*Amy's POV written by me*
Chapter Twenty-Five
Amy's POV
Entry 10,
I can't believe she actually left. I know it's selfish to be upset right now but it's all I can think. I feel irrational, like, really irrational. I keep thinking that it's not fair that she got to leave me again. Like this time was bad or something.
But then I remember that her life is in ruins. I remember that I'm the one being mean.
We've always been the kind of friends who helped each other through hard times. If my mom and I got kicked out of our house Karma would be the first one getting me a job and working with me to save. She'd give me everything. I know she would. And that thought makes me feel so broken. I feel like such a horrible person lately. It's hard to be happy about all that's happened.
I think I just got a little clouded. I dunno…
Reagan thinks I did the right thing but now I'm having all these conflicted feelings. The worst of which is the thought that Karma could've been faking it to get me back home. I know it's wrong to think that but she flew all the way out with the intention to sleep with me. Everything about that was rushed and strange.
I think I just need to talk to her more. But I can't be the one who goes to her. We're friends, that's true, but I can't be the best friend I used to be. Not right now anyway.
Does that make any sense?
I text Karma when I woke up yesterday from a long "fuck-my-life nap." She had text me after landing. When she talks I feel her. Even through text it felt like she had her hand on my chest just over my heart and her eyes drinking me in.
I thought about her text for a long time, thought about her up in that plane.
Then I felt like a complete asshole.
I was being a shit friend. This was a bad time for me to be a shit friend.
Of course Karma had to go back. Her family was on the brink of losing their house and she was working through the summer.
Without Liam she never would've come to see me. And I know she didn't put up money for that trip. Liam must've. Liam is helping her.
But I wasn't wrong to leave, right?
Reagan was really sweet last night. We were at this bar last night for a show and the lighting was amazing. I felt like I was inside a Tarantino film. Every picture I took came out great and the videos I shot of the band have already got way more hits than usual.
Anyway, after the show we stayed to watch the next two bands. I was out of it and really just staying for lack of a better distraction. Reagan introduced me to two of her old friends who she talked about while we were dating. The whole night totally blew me away. We all had so much to talk about and it was easy. They distracted me for a long time before Reagan started to see the wear on my face and the way I was staring off. I didn't drink all night so I had no excuse. I kept trying to say I was just tired but she knew it was Karma, she probably knew the first time she saw me today.
She took me out of there and got me a cab. And she rode with me back to the motel. Somewhere along the line she held my hand without word. She knew it was Karma.
"We're good together," I said, once I knew we were coming close to the motel.
"Naturally," she said back giving me a small smile.
"I wish we were still together," I teased.
She let go of my hand and took her hand away.
"I didn't break up with you just because you were in love with her," Reagan said feeling bruised. She was looking out the window and feeling trapped and probably disappointed. I shouldn't have said it.
"It wasn't a one-sided thing, Amy. Crazy as she obviously is, she loves you. I couldn't compete with that. Don't have the strength…"
I let her words float inside the car and move around in the empty space. I felt them bumping into me, those words, over and over.
"Yeah well, if she loves me, she's doing it wrong," I said, turning from her too and looking out at NOLA as the car drove slowly past other things.
I felt Reagan's hand in mine again and turned to look down at our hands and then back at her. She was noticing me.
I heard her sigh. I unbuckled and move closer to her, hugging her side and laying my head on her shoulder.
"Bad timing," Reagan laughed. I felt her turn her head and rest her lips on my forehead as she sighed again, wrapping me up in her arms, and giving my forehead a kiss.
Sometimes, it occurred to me then, she treated me much like a child.
"You've got time with her still," she said. "If I were you I'd still be in it."
I wasn't sure much what she meant by that. In what? Was this a game? Was I supposed to know what was happening? So often my mom and Lauren would hear me talk about life and they would seem to know so much more about what was happening to me than I ever could.
I'm not stupid. I'm not a child.
Maybe I'm just too used to ignoring people?
I don't even know what to say about all this but that comment from Reagan and the way she treated me just reminded me again that I was most likely doing things wrong.
I wanted to ask her all sorts of questions but she was the wrong person to ask so I just stopped.
We passed the hotel and Reagan got us a room somewhere else. A room with two beds. I could tell she was in no way into rekindling anything. She just knew that motel made me uncomfortable. There were people having sex all over the place at that older motel. I'd even heard a woman offering her services to a man in his car and then later I saw the man leaving a room and the woman smoking a cigarette just outside her door. It was so cliche it hurt. I felt my eyes blink slowly as I turned away and ducked back inside.
Reagan must've seen me then. I must've looked just like I felt, like I shouldn't be where I was.
She wasn't even supposed to be on this trip and right then I felt strange around her, that was the beginning of my day. That and Karma's text.
But the end was okay. I couldn't talk to Reagan and I didn't feel up to calling Karma so I took a long bath before huddling into my bed and hugging a pillow.
At some point I started to cry and Reagan must've heard.
"It's going to be fine," I heard her say. She got into bed with me and held me like she used to. I locked her fingers with mine so she had to keep holding me. She didn't fight.
I don't think I've ever fallen asleep that quick in my life. In the morning I felt a whole lot better and a lot less scared.
Reagan was right, it wasn't the end of the world, I was stiil in it.
Reagan took me to a diner and we talked a lot. She's slowly helping me with Karma, helping me understand.
We're going to be back in the van soon so I'm about to call Karma and I'm really scared…