Disclaimer: I do not own Teen Titans. Also, very triggering chapter.
Chapter 24: Rude Awakenings
After Raven had left the common room, she shook all the way to her sanctuary. She had a month long need for The Blade. It was like being on meth for so long, then forced to stop. She need it. She wanted it. She craved it to no end, and now, she would fulfill her hunger.
She had finally made it to her room, her things left untouched. Except her bed. She had noticed that it looked as if it had been slept in several times. She pushed the thought to the back of her mind for the time being.
She opened her beloved drawer for the first time in what felt like an eternity, pulling out the X-Acto knife, leaving the alcohol and paper towels. Her feeding, she knew, was purposefully going to be a messy one.
Leaned up against her bed and sat like she always did. She rolled up the sleeves of her fresh leotard. The realization that she was unable to hide the scars that he gave her now hit Raven in the face. At first her cutting was going to be out of pure pleasure, pure love for the sensation and rush that the bite of The Blade gave her. But now, it was out of hate. She kept looking at her scars for a short moment, then brought the cool X-Acto knife up to her warm skin. One slice made. She felt it all come back. Her head swam in an ocean of ecstasy as she felt the endorphins run to her head. She sat there, quite still, as the first cut took effect, feeling like an addict after a heroin shoot up, but she did not care.
Another cut she made. Then another. And another. Then so many that she lost count and stopped caring where on her body they ended up. Never, though, did she let The Blade sting her wrist. Never.
She cut so much that the world around her seemed to shut off. She could hear nothing. Seeing nothing (aside from her actions and the effects of them). Feel nothing except the rush she was given over and over again, ignoring the throbbing it was giving her. Going in for a very deep cut, she noticed that light from in front of her was streaming into her room. Raven looked up and saw Beast Boy in her doorway.
Her heart dared to stop beating at the sight of the changeling standing before her. The blood still slithered down her arms and legs and she wished, for once, the blood didn't stream. It wasn't until her mouth took shape of a frown did she notice that she had been smiling intently.
Fear towered over Rage and Sadness rose to be her loyal servant. Raven was exposed; it was all over now. Her violet eyes only caught sight of his emerald ones for a moment—long enough to know that she could never look into them the same way again. The emotions inside of him frightened her. She quickly looked back down at the stained sheets, suddenly horribly ashamed of the splattering around her.
She had never planned on having anyone catch her—especially not him of all people. She had been so careful every other time, being very aware of what was going on around her, as well as staying in her zone.
She sat there at the end of her bed, in shock for a second, then tensed up, ready for him to laugh or call her a freak. He said nothing, though, and walked away, shutting the door behind him.
Raven stood up and panicked, her whole body shaking.
"What if he went to tell everyone? What if he holds it over my head? Robin will think that I'm a threat to myself—I'll get kicked off the team. Starfire will cry. Cyborg might too. And Beast Boy...he'll laugh. And laugh. And laugh," Raven thought. She pictured Beast Boy in her mind, as joyful as ever. She wanted to blot him out, scream at him, shake him so that he wouldn't utter a word. She knew though, that no matter what, he had the upper hand. The girl sat again, Fear sprinting from one end of her mind to the other, paralyzing her. She heard the door open this time.
In his hands, Beast Boy held a white box with a red cross on it.
"I had to get the first aid kit," he said quietly, shutting the door. Raven's mouth gaped open—something it never did. The boy sat beside her, carefully taking the X-Acto knife out of her hand and set it beside him where she couldn't reach. He opened the first aid kit, taking out Neosporin, gauze, white tape, and a dressing roll. He reached out for her arm, but she pulled away. She could see the sadness fill behind his eyes, though he tried to look like nothing was wrong. She slowly moved her arm in his direction apprehensively.
Beast Boy, ever so carefully, started tending to one part of Raven's arm.
"You didn't laugh," she said so softly, it was almost like her lips were moving, but nothing was coming out of her mouth. He heard her, though, and the worry in her voice. He looked up from her arm for a moment and gave her a puzzled look.
"You...you thought I would laugh?" he asked her in disbelief and hurt. Raven couldn't utter another word. Her brain couldn't come up with anything to say, and her mouth was too much in shock to let anything else flow from it. Beast Boy went back to playing doctor.
She wanted to push him out again, rip her skin open even more, pull away from his touch.
"Are... are you going to tell the others?" she asked, almost as quietly as before. Beast Boy had to think for a moment.
"No," he said simply. Raven let out a sigh of relief, then tensed back up as he started talking again.
"How long?" he asked slowly and quietly as he examined her other arm. She sighed, replying quietly as well.
"A few years." Raven avoided the question with an overly direct answer.
"Do you keep them clean?"
"I don't normally need to. I use a spell to turn them into scars and hide them."
"Why are they showing up now, then?"
"Slade took my energy. I didn't have enough to keep them hidden."
They both stayed silent for a few moments as Beast Boy finished dressing her arm, but then Raven created her own question.
"You... you didn't freak out..." she began, talking more to herself at first, "why?" The boy shrugged, trying to shake off her questions. No one liked a sob story.
"Beast Boy," she touched his arm ever so gently, sending waves of shock through his body, "please?" Her voice was so tender, so vulnerable.
He looked into her violet eyes and knew that he could not tell her no.
"After my parents died, and before the Doom Patrol took me in, I fell into the hands of some really bad people. I was six, but learned fast that I had to be tough, so I practiced it—pain I mean. On myself. That way, when whomever was my master at the time needed a punching bag, or I didn't do a trick right, I wouldn't hurt as much," he said, trying to sound as if nothing was out of the ordinary. Beast Boy had never talked about his past. Ever. All Raven knew was that he use to live in Africa with his parents, and was bitten by some crazy monkey, which is why he was green and could change into animals.
"How could a past like this be that of such an annoying, happy, go lucky kid?" she thought to herself. Wisdom stepped in.
"Look into those eyes. Tell me, do you see a child?" Raven did as suggested. She noticed that Beast Boy was no longer wormy and was indeed a foot taller than her now, with very defined arm muscles and a tone body all around. He no longer seemed like a boy to her.
"No, I guess not," she said to herself (well, to Wisdom). She saw so much hurt behind his eyes of emerald, and wondered if it had always been there or if she had just always failed to recognize it. The more she thought about it, the more change in his behavior she had failed to acknowledge. She still treated him like the child she met two years ago, but today, he acted like a thoughtful human being. Bringing her tea, checking on her, displaying honest worry over her. Sure, he was still go lucky, played video games, and didn't mind a good (or bad) prank, but here he was now in front of her, tenderly caring for her wounds. At that moment, she knew that Beast Boy was no longer a child—had not been a child for sometime, but her own spitefulness did not let her see any of that, and suddenly Guilt overtook her, making her want to get to know this new Beast Boy—no, the Beast Boy that had always been there that she had failed to see.
"Rae?" he asked, hoping what he said did not put her off.
She blinked back into focus and saw him staring directly at her. Wisdom was right; this was not a look of concern from a boy, but from a man. The thought sent chills through her spine that trickled throughout her whole body. Although still in shock about the situation, she forced herself to hold his gaze.
"I just thought—" she began, but he stopped her.
"The most happy go lucky kid is just annoying without anything below the surface?" he finished for her. When she remained silent he went back to tending her arm.
"Obviously something made you... like this, and then you ended up with the Doom Patrol, that I knew. All of the in between, I assumed, for a group like us, was pretty... good." she forced herself to talk. Becoming enslaved by Curiosity, she kept going, "why don't you ever talk about it," she whispered.
"Who'd want to hear about it, Dude?" Beast Boy shrugged again.
"I would," she said so softly, Beast Boy scarcely heard her. He smiled ever so slightly.
"Maybe in time, Rae. For now, I need you to promise me something."
"What?" she asked with a raised eyebrow.
"Every time you feel like doing... this," he gestured, not wanting to refer to it, "you have to come and get me. I don't care where I am or what time of day it is. I want you to tell me."
"Why would I do that?"
"Because I know about it..." he said softly, not knowing what other way to explain himself. Raven thought over her options and knew that she had none. Who was to say he wouldn't let the cat out of the bag?
"Why do you want me to tell you? Do you have any idea what you're getting yourself into? I don't want to stop this. Not now, not soon, I don't know if I ever will. This isn't going away just because you saw me. It doesn't work like that I—" she said very quickly in her monotone, becoming defensive and reverting back to her old ways very quickly, but he cut her off.
"I just want to know when you feel sad, or angry, or whatever. I do know what I am getting into, and I never said that you wanted to stop. I never said that I was forcing you to. All I want is to be aware," he said standing up to take his leave. Raven sat stunned at his words, then began to become annoyed with herself at her harsh words. Beast Boy walked toward her door.
"Beast Boy," she called to him as he met the device to take his leave, but she didn't know what to say, and her hands became sweaty as he turned around to hear what she had to say to him.
"Did you miss me?" she ended up blurting out. He gave her a smile.
"Every single day, Raven," he said as he left.
Hope you guys enjoyed this chapter. See, I told you there would be more BBxRae. If you self harm, or just know a lot about it, I hope this was realistic. A lot more chapters like this to come-very heavy stuff, just fyi. Leave me a review, please! Oh, and sorry if you all get late posts. School is life now :/
Special thanks to Gweneveire, luv ta luv ya (a TON!), SuiLon434, and of course, 97TaraMarkov! :D