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25. The first time I argued with Edward, I mean, really shouting, angry arguing, was when he was studying for end of semester exams and told me he couldn't see me for a week. His symptoms were appearing more regularly; I didn't need to see his doctors reports to know that this was the start of a painful struggle that he wasn't going to win. And yet he wanted to waste precious time studying for exams for a degree he would probably never obtain, let alone use.
I yelled at him that he was still in denial, that he needed to accept what was happening and make the most of every precious second. He yelled back at me that studying and achieving something was making the most of his time, and that I was being selfish to ask him not to do his best. I retorted that I would be as selfish as I possibly could be if it meant I got to spend every waking moment with the man I loved, and that he was being thoughtless and hurtful to deny me.
He stormed out of the apartment, grabbing his backpack and books on the way. I was left shaking and wretched, not sure if I was more angry or upset. We didn't have time for this shit. We couldn't argue and sulk at each other and then make up days later.
Thankfully he seemed to feel the same way. He called about an hour later to apologize, and I tried to take back my words but he told me he recognized the truth in them. We were both right. I told him I was scared, I didn't know what was happening, what was going to happen and when. He said he didn't know either, he was such an odd case that the doctors couldn't tell exactly how fast his symptoms would progress or in what order. Most sufferers died within a few years of their first symptoms, but the late onset could make it even quicker. He said he didn't want to know, he just wanted to carry on as normal and deal with things as they happened. I just couldn't cope like that. I needed answers.
We agreed that I would go to the doctor with him and he would get them to explain it to me. It hurt to know, to finally really understand what was going to happen, even if they couldn't guarantee the specifics. But it helped me be calmer about the time we had left. And we studied together in the library as he prepared for his exams.