In Her Eyes

by Forever without him

Love is not selective. The heart sees everything, but when it loves, it loves fully. For high school senior Alison DiLaurentis love is a weapon she wields for power. Until Emily Fields comes into her life and leaves her totally defenseless. But secrets from the past are bubbling beneath the surface and the two soon learn that it's not love that is blind. It's navigating it. AU.

25. Hindsight

A/N: I warned you you were going to be pissed at me. But hey, I wouldn't be me if I didn't have Emily facing certain death in all ages/carnations. I've officially now had her playing checkers with Death when she's a kid, teen, early twenties, and in her thirties. I feel like she belongs on "Supernatural" at this point. This one is probably going to hit ALL the feels.

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Chapter 25:

Hindsight

Alison's ears felt like they were buzzing and she couldn't…or wouldn't hear what Emily was saying to her.

"…it's rare, especially for girls…predominantly found in adult males…"

Cancer? She had fucking cancer? And she hadn't told her? Her initial reaction was anger. All she could think about was how delicate she must truly be, and she'd been hiding it.

"…in children it's usually benign, but a small percentage are malignant…"

Jesus. What if she'd gotten too rough with her? Hurt her? Made it worse? What if she'd gotten her sick? That's how immunocompromised bodies worked, right? She could have gotten her sick. She had gotten her sick. And it could have killed her. No wonder her fever shot up to 103. Alison was so mad that she couldn't see straight.

But then the anger dissipated and the weight of the situation hit her and her fear became overwhelming. Emily was sick. People died from cancer. What did this mean for the future? Their future? Suddenly, all Alison could think about was what Emily had said about her dad at the hospital after Ben attacked her.

"Only thing that would keep them from holding off on his orders would be if I was dead or dying."

Her dad was home.

Alison made a noise that was a mixture of a cry and a squeak.

Ohgod. OhmyGod.

"Alison…" Emily reached out in search of her hand nervously. "Say something. Please."

Alison couldn't think. Couldn't breathe. She certainly couldn't form coherent thoughts. The only thing that came out was a surprised whimper.

"When…when did this…how…when did you find out?" And why hadn't she told her?

Emily reached up and nervously ran her fingers through her hair. That was a loaded question with a very complicated answer. But she owed it to Alison to tell her everything.

"It's a long story."

"I'm not going anywhere."

Emily nodded, almost mindlessly. She'd gone over this in her head hundreds of times. She'd created an entire script of what she wanted to say, and how she wanted to tell her. She'd always known there was a possibility the cancer might start to grow again, but she'd been feeling so good since she'd moved back for her senior year.

Even when she found out it was starting to come back a part of her had hoped the experimental treatments she'd been on before would work again. She was certain she wouldn't have to say anything. She thought she'd be able to spare Alison the pain.

Deep down she also knew she had to be prepared for this moment. But she hadn't planned for this. She never imagined it would be like this, right after their first time together. She always imagined she would have told Alison before then. Or that she'd be better. She'd felt confident about her chances until her last PET scan in Baltimore two weeks ago.

"Emily…" Alison prompted her. She could see that she was getting lost in her head. "Just…talk to me."

"You're right." Emily nodded. "I'm sorry. I owe you an explanation." She rubbed Alison's trembling hands. "I'm so sorry. I never meant for it to come out like this. I thought…I thought I would be better by now."

"By now?" Alison questioned. What did that mean? How long had she known about this? "I don't…I just…I'm having trouble understanding this. Why…why would you lie about this?"

"I never intended to lie," Emily said. "I never wanted to hurt you…"

"Hurt me? You're the one with a goddamn tumor."

A tumor.

A fucking tumor.

"That's why you…you're blind because of it?"

"When I was twelve I had a CT scan that showed an abnormality." Emily's chest heaved as she took a deep breath. She still got anxious when she thought about it. She always felt so claustrophobic in those machines. "They…the doctors weren't sure of anything at first. It was just…something on the optic nerve. I was steadily losing my vision. Literally saw it coming." She laughed darkly. "My family and I talked about it. We knew we needed to be somewhere familiar, but also have access to a good school for the blind and be near an accredited hospital specializing in the treatment of juvenile oncology. We went to Baltimore to have a second scan, a PET scan, done a few weeks after the first one and they confirmed the mass wasn't benign…"

"Baltimore…" Alison muttered to herself. That's what Emily had spoken about in her sleep when she'd had her fever. "So, when you told me you were taking trips out to Delaware…" Alison started putting two and two together.

"I was really going to Baltimore." Emily confirmed it. "Johns Hopkins Medical School and Hospital, to be specific." She paused. "Except once I really did go to Delaware afterwards to see my mom's family." She wasn't sure why it was relevant, but she blurted it out.

Alison tried to wrap her head around it. She knew people got sick. She remembered when Cece's mother had been diagnosed with breast cancer when they were in elementary school. She hadn't been close to Cece at the time, but they knew each other. And it was weird for Alison to have feelings about Cece's mom dying, but she did. She felt sad for her.

And then she'd heard she'd died. The cancer had taken her quick. It wasn't a complete shock to her because she knew people died. But it still felt like it was outside her realm of reality. She'd never really experienced grief, outside of her grandmother dying. But her grandmother had lived to a ripe old age. She'd lived her life. Emily still had her entire life ahead of her. Kids dying just…didn't feel natural. Emily dying didn't feel natural. It wasn't fair. The world deserved her. They deserved each other.

Alison's eyes burned, though she wasn't sure whether they were tears of despair or anger. A little bit of both, maybe. Something inside of her cracked.

"What the fuck, Emily?" She snapped. "You…you've been living with cancer for five years?"

Emily's face scrunched into a ball of pain. She cringed.

"A little longer actually." Emily admitted. "My first diagnosis was when I was seven."

"Oh my God." Alison croaked. "You've had this before?"

"Not the same kind. They caught it sooner. It was smaller and easier to treat."

Alison shook her head. She tried to comprehend it. Her brain refused to process any of it. It didn't make sense. Emily was healthy. She jumped off of cliffs and beat up boys and put together epic elaborate Christmases and promposals.

"But…no. That…that can't be right. You…you're sick?"

"I am." Emily sighed. "I mean, I was. And then I wasn't. I was fine for a while." She grimaced. "I know it doesn't make sense. It's complicated. I was in remission when I came back last year. But I've been in and out of the hospital since I was six."

Alison immediately thought about what Emily had told her in the hospital the day Ben had attacked her.

"I don't exactly have great memories when it comes to these places…I've just never been a fan of hospitals. I've had this thing about them since I was six."

Alison's chest seized as she suddenly forgot how to breathe.

Her fear of hospitals. Holy shit. Oh my God. It wasn't just the psych hold. She grew up in them. This is real. She has nightmares about this. She has nightmares about dying in the hospital. She really has cancer. Oh fuck. Cancer. Oh God. Oh my God. She might die.

Alison trembled. Terrifying things were leaping out at her. Worse than any demon she'd ever faced in her nightmares. Words started swirling around in her brain. Words that didn't seem to have meaning, but still scared the hell out of her.

Benign. Malignant. Treatment. Radiation.

Alison's head was spinning. She felt like her world was crumbling in on her. It felt like her lungs had quit working and that someone was sucking the air out of them with a vacuum. It took her a minute to realize she was hyperventilating. She was pushing herself into a panic attack. She'd never had a panic attack. She guessed it was a panic attack. She hoped it was. Because the other option was a heart attack.

"Ali, breathe." Emily could hear and feel her heaving breaths as she struggled to get air into her lungs.

She put her palm on Alison's cheek and her other hand against her side. Alison felt her chest relax and she was able to take a breath.

"I can't. Em, I can't…"

This wasn't real. It wasn't true. It wasn't happening to her…to them. It was like some next level Romeo and Juliet not communicating properly bullshit. They were fine. Emily was fine. She had to be.

"Easy. Just take a second to breathe." Emily clutched her cheek.

Emily's touch flowed freely through her. It was comforting and terrifying at the same time. Alison felt like her brain was misfiring. Emily was comforting her. But if Emily was sick, wasn't she the one who was supposed to be receiving the comfort?

Of course, Alison hadn't been given that opportunity, because Emily had been hiding it from her. A ball of anger solidified in the pit of her stomach again, overshadowing the panic. Because it was easier to be angry and frustrated than it was to let her fear win.

Reality hit. And it hit hard.

"You have fucking cancer…" Her breaths came out harsh and angry, but terrified and lost.

Emily felt a tear roll against her hand. She could feel how much Alison was trembling underneath her touch. The bone-crushing guilt she'd been carrying around for the past eight months hit her with a force that nearly knocked the wind out of her. But she held the panic at bay, because Alison needed her right now. She'd never wanted to hurt this girl, this sweet beautiful girl. She felt Alison's breathing start to steady.

"Hey, just keep breathing."

Alison nodded. She reached up to touch Emily's chest, lying her palm flat against it, feeling her breathing pattern, trying to mimic it. God, she was so warm. So soft.

"I know it's a lot…"

"All this time…" Alison shook her head. "You had all of this hidden from me?" She was exasperated. "Why?"

"It's not just you, Ali. No one knows…"

"You can't compare me to everyone else, Emily! I'm your girlfriend!" It came out almost as a shriek. She took a breath to try and calm herself down. "What you and I have…" Her throat felt tight. "You're the love of my life."

"I wanted to tell you…"

"You should have." Alison's voice was hollow, though it was nothing but fear. "I could have hurt you…"

"That. That's exactly why I couldn't bring myself to tell you." Emily shook her head with a sigh. "Or…at least why I was scared to. When you have a disease…that's all people tend to see. I didn't want to be treated any differently. I'm not fragile. I'm not breakable. I'm still the same person I've always been…"

"Except you're not!" Alison exclaimed angrily. "I mean…Christ, I took you on a boat in the middle of nowhere. What if you had crashed or had an aneurysm or something? You deliberately put yourself in danger rather than tell me…"

"I've been dealing with this my whole life. I know my limits. Besides, Hanna was there. She knew what to do if anything, though it wasn't likely, had come up…"

"She couldn't have saved your dumb ass if you'd had a fucking brain bleed!"

"It's not like that." Emily sighed.

"Then what is it like?" Alison hissed. She couldn't believe this.

Emily paused to try and compose her thoughts in a way that Alison would understand. She furrowed her brow and pursed her lips.

"I spent my entire childhood being treated like a porcelain doll. Rosewood is the only place I'm not that person. I'm not sick. I'm not the girl with cancer. I'm just me." She clenched her jaw. "I don't know. I just thought…I thought I could be the same five-year-old I was when I lived here as a kid. I have so many things about me that are abnormal. I just wanted to feel normal in one way."

For some reason that quelled Alison's anger. Normal. She latched on to that. What did that word even mean? She sat in silence for a few seconds. Her face twisted in confusion. She had so many thoughts running through her head. But there was only one thing at the forefront of her mind.

"Who said you weren't normal, Em?" she asked softly.

"It's not what people say. It's how they act," Emily said. "Look, I don't expect you to understand." At least not right away. "When you spend your whole life under the microscope being stared at, being poked and prodded, and having people watch your every move you get to a point where you just want to blend in, to be invisible."

Alison scoffed, but not because she didn't understand. Because the thought of Emily being invisible or not standing out in a crowd was preposterous. Everything about her was exceptional. She could pick her out of a crowd of a million people. Easily.

"Well, you failed miserably at that." Alison laughed darkly. "You're anything but ordinary. I could see you with my eyes closed."

"I swear that day at the park wasn't…" She shook her head, "…I wasn't trying to lead you on."

Sometimes she wished she'd just kept her head down and kept to herself, because she always knew there was a possibility that her cancer could come back. And the last thing she wanted to do was bring someone into her life to have to deal with it if it did. But in other ways she was glad that Alison had seen her. She didn't regret what they had.

"That doesn't make this okay." Alison glared at her.

Emily could feel her glaring. She could hear her tension.

"I just wanted people to see me for me," Emily said. "And you did."

"You didn't even give me a chance…" Alison huffed. "You don't know how I would have reacted because I never got that chance…"

Emily felt the bed shuffling. Alison wrapped the sheet around herself and moved towards the edge of the mattress. Emily followed her motions, really wanting to reach out to her, but she was unsure of whether or not she'd be reciprocal to her touch right now.

Alison hung her head and sighed. After a few seconds, she stood up, dropping the covers. She walked across her room and reached into her hamper and pulled out an oversized nightshirt.

"Ali?"

"Give me a goddamn minute, okay?" Alison snapped.

It wasn't every day someone found out that their girlfriend had cancer. Or shit, maybe it was. What were the statistics? How many people were out there in the exact same situation? How many people died from it?

Alison grumbled under her breath. She knew nothing about it. Nothing. And Emily hadn't prepared her for it. She was so angry. But she was so scared.

She turned several small circles nearly burning a hole in her carpet as she tried to walk off all of the energy she was holding inside. Emily pulled the bed sheet up against her chest and started to move to the edge of the bed. She wanted to put her hands on Alison, comfort her, do anything other than be a lump in the bed.

"Don't." Alison warned her, her voice a low growl. "Just don't. I can't right now."

Emily nodded and moved back up against the headboard, letting Alison do what she needed to do. Alison balled her hands up into tightly wound fists and turned around, desperately looking for something to take a swing at, but all she was faced with was her reflection from her vanity mirror above her dresser. She angrily slammed her fists down against the top of the wood, knocking several things to the floor. A snowglobe fell next to her feet, narrowly missing her toes. Alison leaned down to pick it up.

The fall had created a whirlwind of snow around a happy couple ice skating outdoors. She stood up, staring at the tiny fake people inside. She hated them. She resented the smiles on their faces. They didn't deserve to be happy. She let out a strangled yell and then turned around and hurled the snowglobe against the wall with all of her might.

Emily jumped, jostling the bed. The snowglobe shattered, the glass exploding into small fragments of shrapnel. The liquid inside splashed against the wall and spilled all over the carpet. Glitter went everywhere. But Alison didn't care.

"Fuck." Alison growled under her breath, tangling her fingers into her hair.

She pulled her hand away from her face so violently that she'd nearly pulled chunks of her hair out. She was losing it. She had to get out of the room. She had to catch her breath. Emily heard her pacing towards the door.

"Where are you going?" Emily asked, slightly alarmed, but not surprised. She had just dropped a huge bomb on her.

"I'm going to put on some coffee." Alison replied, partly out of anger and partly out of not knowing how to handle the amount of energy coursing through her body. So, naturally, putting caffeine into her bloodstream seemed like a good idea. Or maybe she'd just throw it like she'd thrown the snowglobe. Because fuck logic. And fuck coffee. And fuck her walls and carpet. Fuck everything. "And then we're going to talk about this."

She looked at the mess on the floor and then at Emily's bare body. The body of a stunning Goddess who had given herself to Alison fully tonight, and was probably still sore, though she'd clearly never admit it. After all, she'd been hiding her cancer for years.

"Just stay here." Alison shook her head with a sigh. "There are shards of glass all over the floor. I don't want you stepping on them. I'll clean it up when I get back."

Emily wanted to follow her, but her gut told her to give her a few minutes alone. She sounded hurt, vulnerable, and angry. And Emily was responsible for that. She knew she needed to let her breathe.

She wasn't sure what to do. She felt awkward sitting naked in Alison's bed without her. The room felt empty without her. She felt empty without her. She could still feel the remnants of the physical touches from their love-making.

She moved, feeling a slight tension in her thigh muscles. She moved around to try and get comfortable. She could still feel a slick wetness in between her legs from their encounter. And she was still sensitive, her insides feeling like a rubber band that had been stretched to its limit.

The flesh between her legs burned, but not in the way she expected it to. It was like the stinging sensation of a bandaid being ripped off where for a split second it was sore, but then the fresh air hit it and nothing had ever felt more right. Alison had taken very special care of her. She didn't feel any lingering pain or uncomfortable chaffing.

She was certain that Alison had been more nervous than she was. She'd been able to sense it. She'd been so loving, so afraid that she might hurt her. Emily had been more than ready. She had expected a wild intense romp, but it had been nothing but pure beauty. Ecstasy. Bliss. And all the other dumb cliché things she heard in love stories.

Alison had been so soft and kind, despite the fact that she walked around with a wild sexual prowess. Alison had a fierce electrifying fire within her, but Emily knew she'd probably held back since it was her first time. Emily wanted to explore the true depths of Alison's most inner desires.

If she got the chance.

Did she even deserve the chance? And was it selfish of her to stay with Alison? Alison was right. She hadn't given her a chance to decide. How fair would it be to stay in her life only to cause her nothing but strife? Alison hadn't signed up for "for better or worse, in sickness and in health". She hadn't let her sign up for it. She kept thinking everything would be okay, until it wasn't.

She had fucked it up. She had been so afraid of losing her that she hadn't prepared Alison to lose her. She didn't blame Alison for being angry. She was angry at herself. She wouldn't blame her if she kicked her out and never talked to her again. But she knew that wasn't her girlfriend's style. She'd slap her and then kiss her. She'd tell her she hated her, but then in the same breath tell her that she loved her. And she did. She really did. But what did that mean for Alison?

"The way that girl looks at you? She's not going anywhere." Her dad had assured her.

That was part of the problem. Alison wasn't going to be the one to leave. So how could Emily protect her from getting hurt any further? Did she really want to subject Alison to all the horrors she'd been through when Maya was dying? Watching her deteriorate and die had been what had driven her to her overdose. She'd already been so weak from her treatments, and she'd been recovering from a setback she'd had when she collapsed the night of Maya's death.

Everything she'd been through had caused a deep depression, because she didn't feel like herself anymore. She'd stopped eating and drinking and had started to give up. The pain from her heartache didn't help. And the pills had just been right there. She hadn't been thinking at the time. She hadn't wanted to die. She just didn't want to be her anymore.

She was so wrapped up in her thoughts that she didn't hear Alison walking back into the room. She heard something that sounded like a heavy brush against the carpet and she realized that Alison was trying to sweep up the shrapnel on the floor. She heard a tinkering noise and realized it was the shards being poured into the small garbage can next to Alison's make-up vanity.

Seconds later she heard Alison putting a cup down on the table next to her bed. She felt the bed shift. Alison ran her fingers down Emily's arm and lifted her hand, gently pushing something warm against her palm.

"It's French Vanilla. We didn't have any Espresso, so I couldn't make an Americano…"

"It's fine. Thanks," Emily said quietly. She took a sip and then reached out to put her coffee cup on the other end table. She reached up and rubbed her eyes. "What time is it?"

"Uh…" Alison looked at the light from her cell phone on the ground, "…two."

"I'm two hours past my curfew. My parents are probably freaking out."

Alison grabbed Emily's cell phone from the end table. When she'd gone to make coffee she'd gotten it from Emily's purse, which had been tossed on to her sofa the second they'd come through the door making out.

"I texted them pretending to be you. Told them you were running late because of an issue with my car."

"They're never going to buy that…"

"It doesn't matter. Because you're not leaving this fucking room until everything is out on the table." Alison put Emily's phone in her hand. "All the lying stops now, Emily," she said, her voice firm, but still vulnerable in a way that Emily couldn't put her finger on. "We need to be completely honest with each other. About everything."

Emily nodded. She put her phone down.

"Okay."

"I'll start." Alison sipped on her drink. "How much do you know about what happened between Jenna and Jason?"

"I know she cheated on him. And I know she made up a bunch of shit to humiliate him. Toby tried to get her to stop…"

"He did?" Alison asked in surprise.

"Yeah. We'd talk about it on the phone sometimes. I didn't really know much about your family at the time. I mean, I knew of you guys, but I didn't put two and two together that he was your brother. But Toby told me she was being really vicious to her ex. He didn't like it."

"She cheated on him on Valentine's Day. She hooked up with one of his friends. And they kept seeing each other behind his back. When he found out he confronted him and threw quite a few punches at his friend and then he confronted her. She twisted it around and made it all his fault. Called him a druggie and a burn-out loser and a bunch of other shit in front of all of his Ivy League friends. He went on a bender. Took a bunch of shit and he mixed it with alcohol and ended up in the hospital getting his stomach pumped."

Emily's eyes widened.

"No one ever told me that."

"Because no one knew. My parents paid a lot of money to keep it under the radar. They didn't need it getting out that their perfect son was anything less than." Alison rolled her eyes. "Sometimes I think they're just as much to blame…" She drifted off.

"Look, what Jenna did…"

"It wasn't just that, Emily." Alison interrupted her. "She kept digging at him. She continued to spread rumors…lies. She kept hurting him. For months. And I had to deal with the aftermath. My parents couldn't be bothered to keep Jason on the straight and narrow. I was the one who dragged him off of the bathroom floor and cleaned up his vomit. I was the one who sat awake at 3 AM wondering if he had wrapped his car around a pole or if he would ever be coming home. I was the one who had to listen to him cry in his room, even though he swore up and down that he was fine. And it got to me. I let Jenna get to me. So I…I was stupid."

She shook her head. What had she been thinking? Looking back she realized how reckless and dangerous it truly was.

"I just…I wanted to scare her. I wanted her to leave my brother alone. I thought breaking a few of her clay molds would do the trick. I waited until the Fourth of July, because I figured there would be fireworks going off everywhere and that even if Jenna heard them go off she wouldn't know it was in the garage. The window was open. I didn't know you three were in there. It was so quiet."

"Yeah," Emily said, nodding slightly. "It was quiet that night." Her forehead scrunched up. "Jenna usually goes into this weird meditation mode when she's working with her clay. And Toby and I were just going through my clothes. He was in this weird emo phase where he didn't like to talk, so he jammed his earbuds in his ears and pretended to be some cool grunge rocker. And I was just tired from all the traveling. I'd just finished my last treatment like six months earlier. We were all kind of lost in our own world."

"I really thought Toby knew. I thought that's why he hated me."

"Toby doesn't hate you. No one hates you, Ali." Emily cupped Alison's hands in hers.

"Not even Jenna?" Alison asked skeptically.

"Well, Jenna hates everyone and everything. I think I saw a butterfly frown at her once." The devil would run from her cousin and Emily knew it. "She doesn't count."

Alison smiled. The warm feeling that Emily brought out in her gave her a brief reprieve from the reality of the situation. She couldn't believe how calm and how patient the girl was. She truly was too good, too pure, for the world. But that didn't mean that the world got to snuff her out. Alison wouldn't let it.

Alison couldn't stop thinking about the fact that she'd nearly killed Emily after she'd survived cancer.

"You have no idea how much I regret hurting you all that night. What I did to you…even if it's not my fault that you're blind…you were still hurt. I put you three through that fire…through that trauma. You must have been so scared." She bit her lip. All she could think about was what Emily had told her about not being able to breathe in the ambulance. She swallowed hard. "I…I need you to tell me about that night again."

Emily frowned. She didn't want to put her through that. The last time she'd talked about it had been when Alison was drunk and upset about Noel harassing her. She didn't realize Alison actually remembered the conversation that well.

"I already told you, I don't remember most of it. It's this big blur. You pretty much know everything already."

"Look, if you're trying to protect me…don't. I need to know the truth, Emily. I need…I need to know what I did." So she could try to make amends or whatever she had to do to move past it.

"Um…" She looked like she was deep in concentration, like perhaps somewhere deep in her mind she did remember it, like maybe she'd closed it behind a door somewhere. "I struggle with my memory sometimes, especially when it comes to that night, so it might not be exactly what happened. I just know that Toby and I were sorting through boxes and then there was an explosion and it all went to hell after that. I made him help Jenna, and I ended up trapped inside."

"How? Did…you…why didn't you just follow him out?"

"I was right behind him. But a beam fell and blocked my path. I remember…" She had to think really hard, because a lot of it was fuzzy. "I think I remember him yelling my name. He says he did. He told me later he thought that the beam had knocked me out. He was terrified it had killed me."

"Were you scared?"

"At the time I was more determined to live than anything. I don't remember feeling anything. Just…adrenaline, I think."

"You said you got out through a side window?"

"Yeah. I remember collapsing right outside after I squeezed through." Emily nodded.

"How long were you stuck before you found your way out?" How many agonizing minutes of terror had Alison added to her already stressful life?

"I don't know. Three…four minutes, maybe? I don't remember. All I know is that I knew I had to get out or I was going to die. But it wasn't very long. I mean, it seemed like forever at the time, but when something like that is happening you don't have time to stop and take a count of every second passing by."

"It was long enough for you to pass out from smoke inhalation," Alison muttered. "They had to put you on oxygen, right?"

"That's standard procedure for anyone who has been in a fire."

"You survived a fucking tumor twice and I almost killed you…"

"I know you didn't mean for it to happen. I don't blame you."

"How are you not more pissed about this?" Alison frowned. Any normal person would be in a rage right now, if not for herself then for her cousins. "Do you really care that little about your life?" There was poison in her tone.

She expected Emily to get mad and snap back at her. She wanted her to get mad at her, but Emily just sighed and shook her head.

"In my life I've learned that you have to pick and choose your battles." She had a pensive look on her face. "I'm too tired to fight the past."

Emily suddenly felt a chill in her body and she realized that what had once been warm sweat glistening on her skin was now cool and wet and she no longer had Alison's body heat to keep her warm. Her teeth chattered and she reached down to pull the sheets up around her. Out of instinct, Alison pulled the heavy comforter over the both of them and moved against Emily's body to warm her up.

Emily offered a timid smile. She tentatively reached for Alison's hand, and when Alison didn't pull away she curled her fingers around it.

"You didn't set out to hurt us. I know that. Because I know you. It's a lot to digest. I'm not going to lie. I'm…surprised." She admitted. "But I'm not mad." How could she be angry when she'd been sitting on her own secret? "I can't speak for Toby and Jenna here, but that's not the hill I want to die on." She paused when she realized what she'd said. "Sorry. Poor choice of words."

Alison cringed. Part of her wanted to grab Emily and hold her. The other part of her was terrified to do something that might hurt her. And the pissed off witch in her wanted to slap her and tell her to get out of her house, because how dare she hide something this huge?

"How did it start?" Alison reached up, touching the tattoo on her collar bone. She felt like she understood it now. She understood a lot of things now. And it hurt to understand. "Initially, I mean…how did it start?"

Emily took a beat before she answered. It had been a long time since she'd first been diagnosed and sometimes it felt like a hazy cloud of confusion.

"Headaches," she said. "When I was a kid it started with headaches. I've had them for as long as I can remember, but they started getting really nasty when I was six."

Alison started grinding her teeth to fight back her tears. She didn't want to cry. She was afraid that once the waterworks started they would never stop. She thought about all the times Emily had been fighting headaches. She'd been fighting so much more than that.

"I'd get them so bad that I would cry for hours. The doctors in Rosewood didn't find anything on the initial exam. It wasn't until the headaches started getting worse that they went looking for the source. They saw something on a scan. A tiny little blip. At first they thought it was just a benign cyst. They did a non-invasive procedure to biopsy it, and everything looked fine. And it was fine…for a while. They put me on migraine medication and that was that. But then the headaches came back worse than before and I started having other problems. Nausea. Blurred vision. Trouble sleeping. Flashes of blinding light. Strange things floating in my field of vision."

All of that sounded painfully familiar. She was going through that now.

"So all those times you…" Alison stuttered out, still trying to keep from crying. "The…the headaches, the upset stomachs, the shaky hands, the lack of appetite…that was all…because of…because…" She couldn't say it. It hurt to even think it.

"Yeah." Emily sighed. "I mean, I didn't know it at first. I suspected, but I didn't want to believe it. Because I was in remission when I got back last summer…"

"You never said a word." Alison stared blankly at the wall. "You've been dealing with this for eleven years. And you never said a word. How could you deal with something that long and just live with it?" Alison faced her, tears in her eyes. "My God, Em, you were just a baby."

"What were my other options? I had no choice but to live with it." Emily shrugged. "When a six-year-old goes to the doctor with headaches they tend to think it's either vision related or growing pains. Even when the headaches got worse and my symptoms started getting more severe we never expected it to be…" Emily stopped and took a thoughtful pause. "We just thought maybe the cyst was growing. They scanned me again and it…" She chewed on her swollen bottom lip. "It wasn't a cyst. It was a malignant glibolastoma. We found out two days before my seventh birthday."

"Jesus Christ." Alison huffed.

Seven years old and facing death. What a horrible thing to have to go through as a child. Alison was angry that Emily had kept all of this from her, but at the same time she could only imagine her sweet Emily as a little girl and facing something like cancer.

"The doctors in Rosewood recommended that we go to a hospital that was better equipped to deal with it…more specialized. And so the bouncing around and moving started. Everyone thought we were moving because of my dad. Mom started homeschooling me, because she needed something to keep her mind off of the reality of the situation." Her brow furrowed. "And I think it was her way of trying to make me feel normal…like I had a future."

Good for Pam. Alison considered what it must be like for the parent of a sick child. No wonder the woman watched Emily like a hawk. She didn't blame her for being a helicopter parent.

"She was right." Alison gave her a watery smile. "And apparently a hell of a tutor. Look at you kicking ass on the SATs now."

"She was great in some subjects. But my dad insisted on covering History and Engineering. He made some special requests to come home and be with me and mom while I was getting treatments. For the most part they sorted it out and stationed him at bases near the hospitals where I was being treated. I loved having him with us, but…it was weird." She drifted off.

"Having him home?"

"Knowing that the reason he was home was because I might die."

Hearing that sent a chill through Alison's body. She seized up. That made it feel extremely real to her and she didn't like it.

"I was at Children's Healthcare of Atlanta for a couple of years. I was in a couple of trials. I did a few rounds of chemo. Nothing super intense. They didn't give the full dosage because they were using other experimental drugs. Drugs with less side effects. They found out pretty quickly that chemo wasn't the best route for me. I didn't do well on it. It actually made my symptoms worse and the cancer didn't respond to it like they wanted. But it responded to the other treatments. I was in and out of the hospital for a while. But I got better." She smiled. "And then once my doctor gave me the all clear we came back to Rosewood. Hanna was so excited." She chuckled. "She kept talking about how sixth grade was going to be our year."

"I can't believe I missed out on knowing you back then. I wish…I wish I hadn't been so wrapped up in my own world that I didn't notice someone like you." Maybe she would have gotten more time with her.

"It's not like I was really around much. I was lucky if I could go out to the mailbox by myself. My mom was so overprotective back then…"

"You mean she's chilled out since then?" Alison asked in astonishment.

"Hard to believe, right?" Emily smiled weakly.

It was the first smile that had broken across her face since she'd dropped this bomb on Alison. And it made Alison melt. It made her forget what they were talking about.

"I wasn't here very long. About a year and a half after we moved back to town the cancer came back, so we moved to Texas for an experimental treatment in Houston. When that didn't work they recommended Johns Hopkins in Baltimore. I'd been there before during an earlier treatment the first time. Mom and dad really liked the team there. The medicine is constantly advancing. They've got so many great minds. I was there for…" She stopped to do the math in her head, "…eighteen, nineteen months. They did some non-invasive procedures and a trial of microblast radiation. Then when I was well enough they did an exploratory surgery." She reached up, rubbing the back of her neck, her fingers pressing against her scar. "They got about eighty-five percent of it. And they submitted my case for another trial to eradicate the remaining fifteen percent. I was selected…"

Her throat felt like it was closing up. The memories swarmed her like dozens of moths circling her. They were fluttering around a door in her mind that she kept closed. She nervously rubbed her eyebrow.

Alison picked up on the nervous tic. She reached up and grasped her fingers, pulling them away from her face. She touched Emily's cheek with her other hand and made her sit still, made her focus. She wasn't going to let her shut down now.

"And?" Alison asked.

Emily exhaled heavily.

"It worked." Emily shrugged.

Alison took note of the look on her face. Emily almost looked conflicted that she had seemingly been cured. Like she felt guilty. Perhaps it was the fact that she'd kept it a secret for so long.

She had no idea that Emily was holding back. There was more to it than that. Emily had often felt like she didn't deserve the trial that had saved her life.

"For the most part." Emily added. "There were some minor complications, which we knew going into it. Because of the location and the type of treatment and the likelihood of scar tissue forming on my optical nerve there was a risk of visual impairment…and total blindness. But I was already going blind anyway." She motioned to her eyes. "And it's not like we had much of a choice. It was a really aggressive tumor. My family and I rolled the dice on the trial." There was a strange hesitation in her tone. "Or they did, I guess."

"Did you not want to?" Alison questioned, her face pensive and confused.

"It wasn't just about me, Ali," Emily sighed. She pursed her lips together. "It never is. It's really hard to explain."

It was her life, and even though she had been exhausted and had reservations about the trial she knew she had to think about the people she loved. Coincidentally, that's also the reason she didn't want to take a spot in the trial. Because her acceptance meant that someone else wouldn't get the chance to live like she would.

Maya.

Emily started to tell her about her, and how they'd been up for the same trial. But mentioning her while they were in bed, after they'd just slept together…it didn't seem right. Alison would find out everything about Maya soon enough. But tonight wasn't the time or place.

"All that matters is that it was our better option. And it was the right one. It saved my life. I went into remission when I was fifteen, right after Christmas." Right after Maya died...

Alison saw her clench her jaw and she didn't quite understand it. That sounded like a good thing. Her thumb traced the pattern of her chiseled jaw line.

"Em, what am I missing?" Alison frowned. "How did we end up here?" She moved her thumb underneath Emily's right eye.

"When you spend your entire childhood and adolescence in a bubble of medicine you learn not to get overeager about good news," Emily said. She took a thoughtful breath. "I appreciate every single second of every single day. I do. I always have. But I also knew to be skeptical of any premature happiness. My parents knew that, too, but they've always relied heavily on the power of positive thinking. So even with the possibility of impending worsening visual impairment my family chose to look on the bright side, which ironically I was not going to be able to see in the future."

"That must have been terrible. To lose your sight like that."

"Not entirely. It was something I was glad to trade for my life. I'm not saying it was easy. It was hard at first. And frustrating. There was a lot to learn. I was fortunate that it was gradual. It wasn't bad when I first started having problems. Nothing a few corrective lenses couldn't help. But the doctors told us it would probably get progressively worse as the scar tissue hardened. But other than that everyone was optimistic. My parents were already thinking about our next steps the second they heard the good news. They were so excited. Dad talked to his sister and we made plans to move back to Rosewood, because it's close to Baltimore and to mom's family in Delaware. We came to visit the summer I was sixteen to look at houses."

Which meant Spencer had been right about the fact that Emily had just gotten back to town when the whole Fourth of July disaster had thrown Emily's entire family for a loop. To think that she'd just been free and clear of cancer only to be thrown into that fire…it made Alison's stomach ache.

"Mom wanted me to get back into a normal routine, so I ended up at this small private all-girl's school for the blind for my sophomore year. I think my mom just liked it because the drive took 45 minutes, so we got to spend a lot of time in the car together." Emily admitted. "And she was worried I'd get a little crazy with my newfound freedom and start sleeping around with a bunch of guys or something."

Both of them laughed at the irony.

"I have a feeling if I'd come out then she would have turned that car around and insisted on home schooling me again," Emily said. "The school for the blind really helped me. It gave me the confidence I needed to be ready for the loss of my sight. I was doing great in school and I was doing okay on my meds." She smiled, though Alison could tell that her thoughts were distant. "After I started to get more comfortable with my cane and with Ace I talked to mom and dad about letting me finish up my senior year at Rosewood High. Between the doctor's visits and the school for the blind I was just wiped. I just wanted to be at home. I wanted to be with my family and my friends. I just wanted a normal life."

It killed Alison to hear Emily talk about herself like she wasn't normal. Because Emily didn't realize that not being normal was what made her so special. It softened her anger briefly.

"You're not normal, Emily," Alison said. "You're so exceptionally not normal. That's the girl I fell in love with. This…all of this…it doesn't make you any less who you are. Because you're right. You said you're the same person you've always been." She was her Emily. She'd always be her Emily. "I fell in love with you because you are so perfectly unique. You're the same person who caught me in her arms when I was running from a wasp…"

"It was a hornet." Emily laughed with tears in her eyes.

"You caught me every time I fell." Alison smiled through pained tears. "I just wish I had known."

"I wish I had told you," she admitted. "I knew there was a chance it could come back. But I thought I was done with it." She bit her lip. "I felt done with it. I thought for sure…" She clenched her jaw. "I was feeling fine when I first got back…when we…" She thought about the day they'd met, "…when we were first getting to know each other. But I…uh, I noticed the symptoms a few weeks before Halloween. It was right after our kiss at Spring Cove. I was feeling weak. Tired. My meds make me feel sluggish sometimes, so that wasn't something that scared me."

Alison tried to think back to see if she'd somehow missed it. How had she not seen it? The fatigue? The lack of appetite? The constant headaches? The bad dreams? The forgetfulness? The weakness in her hands? The shakiness? She had chalked a lot of it up to Emily's anxiety after the attack. After all, the symptoms lined up with the concussion and the following trauma. She had never suspected anything like this.

"So…when did you find out?" Alison asked. "How?"

"After Ben attacked me, when we went to the ER and Doctor Gold did that CT she saw something."

Everything was starting to make so much more sense about that day. Emily had begged them not to take her to the hospital and once they got there she'd fearfully tried to back out of it, downplaying her injuries. Had she subconsciously known the tumor was back?

"But I…I was with you the whole time. The doctor never said…"

"It was when you'd gone to get something to eat. When the doctor came back she was acting really strange. And I knew. I had just calmed my parents down about the assault. I had the phone muted. I told her not to say anything to them about the CT yet. I told her that I had an oncology team and that I'd appreciate it if she'd send them the scans for a second opinion, and since she was only technically treating me for the assault injuries she wasn't legally obligated to tell them about the findings on the CT."

"That's why Toby wanted you to stay. Not because of the concussion." It dawned on Alison.

"It's not like this is the first time…" she'd said to Toby that day.

"It's why he was so pissed." Emily nodded. "He was so afraid that I was going to die if I didn't stay."

"I don't think you realize how bad it is…" Toby had said.

"You…didn't think to tell me then?"

"I was freaked out, Ali. I'd just been attacked and then found out that my cancer might be back for a third time. And I was…I was in so much pain." She admitted.

"I would have gotten you more pain meds if you were hurting…" She would have gone to the ends of the Earth for her girl.

"It wasn't just physical." Emily searched for her hand. "You have to understand that on top of what Ben did, I had a whole hell of a lot come flying back at me that night. When you're in and out of remission you constantly wonder if this is going to be what gets you. And I've watched so many other kids in the cancer ward die." She bonded with kids like her very easily. She loved them, fell in love with them, and was loved in return. But that meant it hurt more when they said goodbye. "I always thought that when it was my time I'd be okay. But then I met you. And I fell in love. And it wasn't just me anymore."

No wonder she'd shut down. No wonder she'd been acting so strange. She'd been carrying this with her since she was a child. And the complexity of love only made things more strenuous.

"I almost told you that night in the hospital. When I was drugged up."

"That's what you were trying to explain when you were talking about being in the hospital before?" Alison questioned.

"Yeah." Emily nodded. "I tried, but it didn't come out right. I knew it wouldn't. And at the time I still didn't know anything for sure and I didn't want to scare you. I knew there was a small chance it was just scar tissue. I wanted to be sure before I said anything."

"When…when did you know for sure?"

"I started getting headaches again. After the attack."

All the times she'd seemed distant and tired. All the times she'd looked like she'd had sleepless nights. All those times she'd been suffering. In silence.

God, my stupid stubborn little idiot…

"I started getting these violently painful flashes in my field of vision, even though I can't see. It was just like the last time." She sighed. "I knew for sure around Christmas. And a few weeks later I went in to get a PET scan to confirm it."

"When you took that first trip out to Baltimore."

Alison remembered that she'd wanted Emily to skip the trip to what she'd thought had been to see her family at the time, but Emily had told her it was important that she go.

Emily nodded. She'd been so freaked out that day that she'd pretty much blacked out during the scan. She remembered cursing herself for telling Hanna she could just stay at the motel, that she'd be okay and she needed to talk to Nate on her own. But she'd been so petrified when she was going in for the scan that she'd latched on to Nate's hand and refused to let go. He'd stayed with her the whole time. He'd taken her to a room afterwards to try and get her to calm down, but she'd felt trapped. She'd ended up making a beeline for the bathroom, thinking she was going to puke. Instead she'd just let a cold feeling of reality wash over her. And a calm resignation of her fate had seized her.

Seeing Lily had certainly helped. Cancer kids had special bonds. And that little girl was one of the most special children she'd ever met. The kid never faltered.

Emily hadn't waited around for the results. Because in her gut she knew. So she'd bailed on Nate and told Hanna everything was fine when she'd gotten back to the motel.

"God, I am so stupid. I am so fucking stupid," Alison said in disbelief.

She had never suspected a thing. She was the queen of manipulation. She lied professionally. And she'd been blindsided. But that's not what pissed her off. What pissed her off is that all this time Emily had been facing this alone, without her.

"No, Ali. This isn't on you. I…"

"Four months." Alison uttered, turning sharply to face her. "You found out four months ago that you had cancer again?"

"I should have told you then. I tried. I really did. Several times. But every time I started to say something about it I panicked. I knew it was coming back. And I knew what that meant." Her lips turned into a grimace. "It's never just about me." She squeezed Alison's hand. "I thought of you every step of the way, Alison."

"Then why the hell didn't you say anything? Why wouldn't you just talk to me about this?"

Emily lowered her head and huffed out a sigh.

"Was it all a lie?" Alison questioned. "Just some…get it out of your system, one-last-hurrah before you die thing?"

That garnered Emily's attention. She reached out to touch Alison's face. Because that's the last thing in the world that this was. Emily felt so lucky to have fallen in love with her. It had given her so much to look forward to, to fight for. It gave her so much hope.

"No. God, no. Ali…no…" She clenched her jaw to fight back tears. "I love you. I'm in love with you. I've been in love with you since the day you sat down next to me on our bench at the park."

That's why it had been so hard for her to tell her. Because she knew she was going to break her heart. And she couldn't stand it.

"Falling in love with you wasn't part of the plan." Emily sucked her bottom lip into her mouth.

"So, what? You just thought lying to me was the better option?" Alison's tone was laced with anger, but also with a heavy dose of fear.

She knew she was being a hypocrite. She'd been holding on to the secret about the Fourth of July since they met. She kept waiting for Emily to throw that back in her face. But she didn't.

"I didn't lie to you. I just…I thought I could get a handle on it…like before. I wanted to tell you. I just didn't know how," Emily said softly. "I came back to Rosewood to get my life back. I didn't know that life was going to include you. I didn't expect to fall in love. I didn't…I didn't know you were going to fall in love with me. And when it came back I didn't know how to feel." Emily lowered her head and a tear slid down her cheek. "There was this weird disconnect, like despite everything I knew about the reality of the situation that maybe…maybe I could just do the exact same treatment and I'd go into remission again. But now I'm not so sure…" She sighed. "I'm sorry. I never would have let this happen if I had known…"

Alison had never seen her break like this before, not even after the assault. It was positively shattering. It was too much for Alison to bear. Her anger suddenly dissipated and she felt an instinct to reach out, to comfort her. She couldn't stand to see her sweet mermaid upset. She reached up, cupping her face, pushing her forehead against Emily's.

"Hey, don't cry, sweetie."

Another tear slid down Emily's cheek. Alison brushed it away. She felt her eyes burning, her own tears threatening to spill over on to her face. Emily reached up to touch Alison's face.

"I'm sorry, Alison. I'm so sorry I didn't tell you." Emily cried softly. "I never wanted to hurt you." She had blindsided her. She knew it was eventually going to come to this. "I was afraid that all you'd be able to see when you looked at me was the disease, that…that you'd think less of me. And I was afraid I'd lose you if you knew the truth. And I know that makes me selfish and a terrible person…"

"Em, stop." Alison touched her arm. "Please don't cry. Please…"

Because if Emily kept crying Alison was going to break down, too. Her heart couldn't take it. It was terrifying to see her upset, because she knew now that it was coming from a deep place of fear. And that was horrifying. Because Emily Fields didn't get scared. If Emily was scared that meant it had to be really bad.

Of course it's bad. It's fucking cancer. She sniped at herself.

"God, this is just…so hard." Emily tried to keep it together.

"They've treated it before, right?" Alison asked, a hint of desperation in her tone. "They can…you can just go through the treatment again? You…you can beat it?"

Emily sighed and bit the inside of her cheek.

"I don't know." She could feel her nose burning. Her eyes hurt. "I've been going to Johns Hopkins and seeing Maya's brother. He specializes in pediatric and adolescent oncology. He's on this research team that works on all kinds of trials. He's the one who got me into the original trial when I was fourteen."

At the expense of his sister. Because he couldn't show favoritism, and when the committee took a vote he was the deciding factor. Emily cringed when she thought about it. Had she not been there Maya could have been the one who ended up in the trial.

"He's the one who has been working my case. The meds that I've been taking, the ones everyone assumes are for my eyes, are for a targeted maintenance therapy. They were supposed to prevent the cancer from returning or slow the growth if it did return. But it's not an exact science. Sometimes it fails." She explained. "I was still going for my regular scans and everything was fine. But then Dr. Gold did that CT in the ER and everything just…went to shit."

That day had changed everything. Sometimes Emily blamed Ben, just because it felt like it was his fault. It's like when he'd slammed her head against the lockers he'd awoken all the cancer cells in her body. Even though she knew that wasn't how it really worked. It just felt easier to blame him than to get angry at her own body.

"As soon as I found out I called Maya's brother. I needed a loophole to keep Dr. Gold from talking to my parents. And he was it. I knew I could talk him into looking at my scans without involving them."

She'd been hesitant about involving Nate at first, because she didn't want to risk him losing his license for helping her. But he'd insisted. He wanted what was best for her.

"Your parents don't know?" Alison's eyes widened. Holy shit, Emily. Seriously?

"They do. Now." Emily nodded. "I just…didn't tell them everything when it first started. I didn't want them to panic…"

"You didn't want them to panic about something that could kill you?" Alison laughed darkly.

"You don't understand. I have put them through so much. I just couldn't stand the thought of putting them through it again. So when my mom found out about my first trip to Baltimore I told her that I needed to talk to Nate about a change in my meds and to get routine bloodwork done. She was pissed, but she didn't fall apart. And it wasn't worth her falling apart at that point, because I still didn't know anything for sure." Because she'd dodged Nate's calls. Because she had known exactly what that scan was going to show. And she just wanted to bury her head in the sand, like an idiot. "It was only after I went back the second time and sat down and talked to him about my options that I knew I had to tell them."

"Who else knows about this?"

"Just Toby. And Hanna."

Hanna fucking Marin knew about it, but not her? She tried to remember that Emily had a history with Hanna. They'd known each other since they were in diapers together. They were practically sisters. She had nothing to be jealous of, nothing to be angry about…except…Emily had fucking cancer and didn't tell her.

"She's known since we were kids," Emily explained.

Are you fucking kidding me? She managed to keep from screaming it out loud.

"And Aria? Does she know, too?"

"No." Emily shook her head. "I love Aria and I trust her with my life, but I didn't want anyone else finding out about it. Hanna was with me when my parents and I initially found out. It was just…it's different. She was there. And we never told Aria. I just didn't want her to know." She paused, a strange noise in her throat. "Never thought I'd have to tell anyone." She sighed. "It was so weird dealing with it without my mom and dad. But in a way it gave me this perspective of freedom I'd never had before. It gave me time to think. On my own." She realized what that sounded like and quickly backtracked. "Not that I don't appreciate their involvement. I never would have gotten through any of this without them. My mom, as overbearing as she can be…she's been my rock. And my dad risked everything to be with us. His livelihood. His career. Everything. I'm lucky. His commanding officer has been more than understanding of our situation."

Alison felt a lump forming in her throat. And she couldn't help but think about how Emily had mentioned that the army didn't dole out favors just because they were feeling generous.

"All this is why your dad really came back to Rosewood, isn't it?"

"Well, it certainly wasn't so he could discuss his daughter losing her virginity after prom. I don't think they have a form for that in the military." Emily cocked an eyebrow, a soft smile on her face.

Alison glared at her. She was so fucking hard to stay mad at when she smiled. It's like the ice melted and left Alison in a warm hot spring in the sun.

"Stop doing that." Alison frowned.

"What?" Emily asked innocently.

"Smiling at me." She couldn't be upset with her when she saw that smile.

"Would you rather I scowl? I'm told I look like my mother when I scowl."

"Oh God, Emily, do not mention your mother in bed right now. Or ever when we're in bed."

Emily's lips twitched into a pensive smile. Because the way she'd said it suggested they would be in bed together again.

"Sorry, do you want to talk about my dad and his many weapons and his predisposition to be overprotective of his baby girl?"

"Okay, if anyone seduced anyone, you seduced me, Little Miss Dirty Dancing."

"That's fair."

"You were the most beautiful prom queen I've ever seen." Alison threaded her fingers through Emily's hair. And the most gorgeous woman I've ever seen in the throes of passion.

"I'm sorry this is how it ended…" Emily's head drooped, her chin pointed down. She'd ruined their prom night.

Alison could see the reservations she had written all over her face.

"It must be bad." Alison bit her lip, gently tracing her finger along Emily's temple. "With your dad being back and all."

Emily nodded, the muscles right below her eyes twitching as she blinked.

"It's slow-growing. And rare, especially for someone my age. There's not a whole lot of research on it. And the treatments that were modified for it aren't working anymore. My parents went with me to my last PET scan two weeks ago."

Emily sat up against the headboard, pulling the covers up against her body. Just talking about it made her feel cold. Alison subconsciously followed her movements.

"Okay, so…what do you…" She stopped herself. It wasn't just Emily in this, "…we, what do we do now? How do we fight this?"

When Emily didn't respond Alison felt the blood in her veins run cold. She stared at her, horrified, in shock…because no, she refused to let Emily give up. She refused to believe she could lose her when she'd just gotten her.

"You are going to fight this, aren't you?"

"Ali, I have a lot to think about," Emily said softly. "Things changed after my last scan. My doctors have put together another treatment protocol. But it…" She tried to think of the best way to describe it, "…it's still in the very early trials. They haven't even finished testing it yet. It's experimental and…dangerous in a way. I've talked it over with my parents already. With me being eighteen in a few weeks it's completely up to me." She left out the part where she'd made sure all the legal documentation was in order for whatever medical decisions she made, because that would just make Alison panic.

"You can't seriously be considering just…" She stopped herself short. She was way out of her league and she knew it.

"What…giving up?" Emily knew that's what she wanted to ask. And two weeks ago she would have told Alison she would never give up. But that scan. That fucking scan… "It's more complex than that. I have to look at statistics and facts, and quality of life…"

"Fuck that. You're a survivor…or else you wouldn't still be here."

"Look, I know how this goes…"

"So that's it then? I don't…I don't get a say in this at all?" Alison's voice cracked, raw emotion coupled with anger.

"That's not what I'm saying." Emily reached out to touch her arm.

She felt Alison recoil, her mind unable to process any outcome other than Emily coming out the other side of this. Emily gently pulled back, giving Alison her space.

"You have more of a say than you'll ever know. All I've been able to think about since I found out was how to beat this, if not for me…for you. For the people I love. Because I do love you, Alison. But I…" She grimaced and clenched her jaw.

"Just come right out and say it. Don't string me along. Just fucking say it, Emily." Alison folded her arms in front of her chest, her eyes fixed on the wall, too afraid to look at Emily's face.

"I don't know if I can survive this." Emily sighed.

Alison moved her head back against the headboard and took a deep breath through her nose, hoping that if she kept her eyes squeezed shut the tears wouldn't come.

This can't be real. This has to be a weird sex induced nightmare. She just banged me so hard that I'm in a sex coma…

And though she knew it wasn't logical, that's what she held on to for several silent tense minutes. When she opened her eyes back up and faced Emily she saw her staring back at her, patiently waiting.

"So…what now?" Alison asked, terrified of the response.

"Now…" Emily said softly, thinking it over. "We just keep going. We go back to life. We finish our senior year."

"You're seriously going to parade around like nothing is wrong?" Alison frowned.

"Just until the end of the school year. I need some time to make this call, Ali…"

Alison bit down on her tongue.

"I spent my whole life playing the part of a perfect stepford child." She shook her head. "I can't do that again. Not with you. Because you're the most real thing in my life, Emily. I can't pretend with you. I can't just go back to everything being normal…"

"I don't want anyone to know." She lowered her head. "People already look at me like I could shatter at any moment…"

"Nobody looks at you like that…" All Alison saw when she looked at her was a strong Amazonian warrior.

"No. You don't. But trust me, I've been that 'fragile little girl' for so long that I know. I may not be able to see it, but I can feel it." Emily admitted.

Alison stared at the girl next to her. The curves of her body, still glistening with traces of sweat. The movement of her breasts as she inhaled and exhaled slowly, yet heavily. Her long dark locks that fell in waves against her body, some of it sticking to the dampness of her cheeks. And her cheeks. The flush color of her cheeks and the way it accentuated her defined jaw line. Her lips, still bruised and swollen from the sex. Her eyes, swirls of light that had been hiding such darkness in them. God, her eyes. Her deep and mysterious eyes. All the little things she adored about her that added up to love. She was perfect and whole.

And she had cancer.

But that didn't stop Alison from feeling the way she felt. In fact, she was determined now more than ever to reach Emily. She put her palm against the side of Emily's neck, drawing her close enough that she could smell the sweetness of her breath. She curled her fingers against the side of Emily's jaw, moving her thumb over her full lips. They were still plump and moist from their intense passion. She moved forward until her lips were hovering over Emily's.

"Can you feel this?" She moved her thumb away and pressed a gentle kiss against Emily's lips.

She pulled back and glanced at Emily.

"I know you love me," Emily said softly. She felt it in the deepest part of her soul. "I feel that…"

Against all odds, they had met and they had fallen in love. Emily knew there was a chance this might happen. And that was a problem. Because Alison stood to lose the most. Her heart. Her hope. Her love. Emily knew exactly how devastating it was to watch a loved one go through what she was facing. Because she'd been in Alison's shoes when Maya was dying. That alone should have been enough to keep her from getting too serious with Alison. She'd felt that resistance since day one. She'd tried so hard to keep her feelings in check. But love didn't care about logic. She'd fucked up. She'd fucked up dragging Alison into her mess. She'd fucked everything up.

Alison felt the shift in her emotions. She swallowed hard, gently putting her forehead against Emily's. She peered into Emily's eyes and then lowered her chin and kissed her again. When their lips separated Emily took a shaky breath.

"Ali, we should…"

Alison interrupted her with another domineering kiss. Something came over the blonde. A force of desperation. The sheer will of determination to hold on to her. Emily reached up, her fingertips lingering gently over Alison's jaw. She made a strange noise that reverberated in her throat and she forced herself to pull back. She caught her breath.

"…we have to face this…"

Another kiss. Another heavy breath.

"…we can't just…"

"Shut up. Just shut up." Alison interrupted her again, kissing her again. Please…just please let me have this.

She reached out and cupped Emily's cheeks, gently guiding her face to meet her lips again. She didn't want to talk. She didn't want to hear what Emily was going to say, because she had a feeling she knew where it was heading. She kept one hand on Emily's face and gently laid the other against her stomach, her fingers tracing the outline of her sternum.

She felt Emily's hand grasp the back of her neck as they both got lost in a sense of one another. They turned their bodies to face one another, both still halfway under the covers. Alison moved one of her legs over Emily's left hip and pushed her thigh in between her pelvis. She felt Emily grunt into her mouth, no doubt she was still sensitive from earlier. Alison remembered feeling sore after her first time. So she was gentle in her movements.

Emily's abdominal muscles tensed underneath Alison's fingertips, but she reciprocated Alison's motions, mirroring every frictional rub and thrust. She gripped Alison's thigh, pulling her impossibly closer as their centers met, their pulsing bundles striking each other unabashedly. The slick heat between them increased as they continued in their desperate primal desire to connect, to love.

There was no talking, nor lust of desire. Their bodies were the ones conversing. Their passion was a warm ball igniting between their bodies. The actions of their hearts were easy, natural, as they were each consumed with the other's body, mind, and soul.

The art of conversation had been overtaken by enthusiastic cries, erratic breathing, and the echoes of their pleasure filling the room. They moved and writhed together until both of them were dripping and shuddering and desperately grasping at skin to hold one another tighter. Their tight buds clashed just enough to send them both over the edge once more.

They both sank back into the mattress, legs still tangled together, arms still wrapped around one other. They slowed their kisses to catch their breath. Alison sweetly pet Emily's cheek, pushing the sweat away from her dark caramel skin.

Alison took a moment to soak in the afterglow. She stayed curled up against her. The air around them was quiet. The heat from their bodies was lingering in the air and rolling off of the walls. Alison moved down to rest her cheek against Emily's chest. She wrapped her arms around her and closed her eyes and concentrated on Emily's heartbeat. She relaxed into the motions of her chest rising and falling as her breath steadied.

Emily gently brushed her fingers through Alison's hair. Alison stayed quiet, and Emily didn't push her to talk. She knew there wasn't much else to say. So instead of talking they laid there in silence, Emily stewing in her guilt, Alison swimming in uncharted waters.

It was Alison who finally cut through the tension. She had so much she wanted to say, but there was only one thing that mattered to her.

"I'm not ready to lose you," Alison said quietly.

"I know." Emily pulled her close.

It was followed by another blanket of silence. First it was seconds, then minutes, and then more than half an hour passed.

They laid in bed, holding each other without saying a word. Alison's breathing pattern was calm and steady. For a while, Emily thought she was asleep. It was only when Alison lifted her head and moved one of her hands up to her face that Emily realized she was awake. Alison traced the outline of Emily's jaw. Her fingers gently ghosted over her eyes. She stared at her for a few seconds and then sighed.

"You lied to me." Alison accused her again, her thumb delicately moving beneath her left eye.

There was no spite in her tone this time. Emily reached up and put her hand on top of Alison's fingers, curling her thumb into Alison's hand in between her face and the palm of Alison's hand. She gripped her hand and slowly pulled it down.

"I know."

"I deserved to know…to be a part of this part of your life. I deserved the chance to be included. I deserved better than this."

Emily swallowed hard. She did. She really did deserve better.

"I'm trying to protect you." Emily didn't try to talk her way out of it. She reached up and moved her fingers to the side of Alison's neck.

Trying. That meant still in present time. Alison's heart sank. What did that mean? She refused to let Emily shut her out when the brunette needed her the most.

"How?" Alison asked, a heavy bite in her tone. "How do you protect someone from this?"

She saw the look on Emily's face and she immediately regretted asking it. Because she knew exactly what she would do to protect someone she loved from getting hurt if she was a bomb getting ready to explode. Make sure they weren't around when the shrapnel went flying.

"Emily, don't…"

But Emily was already moving to sit up against the edge of the bed. She let the sheets fall away from her body, exposing her bare back to Alison.

Emily moved her foot against the ground until she felt her toes hit the edge of the silky material of her dress. She leaned over to pick it up and then sat back up. In the low light of the room Alison could see the shadows of Emily's muscles and bones. Was her spine sticking out more prominently? Had she lost weight? Why was she just now noticing this?

Emily pulled the dress up over her legs, moving her hips slightly up off the bed to pull it up her body. She felt a slight tension in between her legs and she held back a quiet pained shudder.

"Emily…" She felt Alison's hand against her back where the dress was split open from the zipper.

"This isn't fair to you." Emily swallowed a knot in her throat. Her fingers were gripping the edge of the mattress.

"It's not your call to make that choice for me. I'm not going to let you give up. On this. On us."

"That's not…that's not what this is." Emily shook her head. "I'm not saying that."

"You're not saying anything." Alison frowned, her voice hitching from her emotion. "You don't get to just walk into my life…perfect and beautiful and funny and act charming and smart and…and let me fall in love with you and then just…die and break my heart."

The moment the words came out of her mouth she flashed back to the day they had finally admitted their feelings for one another. Emily had been very persistent in pursuing their love after she'd been attacked in the locker room. But the second it got real Alison had sensed a moment of hesitation on Emily's part, something that Emily had been willing to overlook because…well, her hormones were raging and she was in love with her. But looking back on it the words were like a knife to the chest. Emily had told her that their relationship was a bad idea and when Alison had asked why Emily had responded,

"Because I'm destined to break your heart."

"You're right." Emily didn't argue. "You deserve better."

"You know I didn't mean it like that. I still want to be with you. I just…I need to process. This…it doesn't have to change anything…between us."

"It changes everything." Emily sighed.

All she could picture was watching Maya wither away and die. How traumatic that had been. How much it ate away at her every day. But who would she be without Maya? How could she make that decision for Alison? Who was she without Alison? And who was Alison without her?

"It's not fair to put this on you," Emily said.

"I'll fucking decide what I can handle," Alison snapped.

"Not when it comes to this. You have no idea what you're signing up for. And that's on me."

"But…" Alison's voice faltered, her anger dissipating. Was this happening? Was this really happening? This was her nightmare, "But I love you…"

Emily felt the sting of those words. Loving someone meant all that much more pain when there was loss involved. She turned around to face Alison, her hand sliding against the mattress until she found her hand.

"I know. And I love you. So much." Her voice was shuddering. "But I can't stop this from happening. And this is a lot to take on."

"I'm sorry I got so mad…"

"Don't be." Emily interrupted her. "You were right to get angry. You should be angry. I'm angry. At me. At the situation. I'm angry at all of it. But the thing that makes me the most upset is knowing that I hurt you…I'm hurting you."

After a few seconds she pulled her hand away from Alison's. She moved her arm across her chest and rubbed her palm against her arm.

"I…I should go."

She carefully got to her feet.

"Go? Go where?" Alison felt a flutter of panic in her stomach. She grabbed the oversized nightshirt from the floor. If she had to chase her down the street looking like a whore she would. "Em, I don't want you to leave. This…we're…we aren't done here."

"I don't know what else to say." Emily bit back tears. "No matter what happens I'm only going to end up hurting you."

"You're worth every bit of that pain."

"I can't…" Her breath was shaky. "I can't let you suffer the way I have." She reached for her phone.

"You're seriously walking out on me right now?"

"That's not…I'm not…" Emily rubbed her face in frustration. Nothing she was saying was coming out right. She was mad at her brain for not saying what was in her heart. "This is the only way I can protect you. You said it yourself. You need to process. You really need to think about this. We both do."

"What…what does that mean?" Alison moved swiftly to the other side of the bed.

She nearly jumped out of the bed and tackled Emily. She cut her off before she could move towards the door. She stopped short when she got within a few inches of her. Emily could feel her panicked breaths against her face. She knew that Alison loved her enough that she'd stay with her, but Emily loved her enough to tell her not to.

"What about Paris?" She cried helplessly.

"Alison…"

Alison cut her off with a scorching kiss. She clung to the sides of Emily's neck as her lips took control of Emily's. Emily gently broke it apart, but she didn't push Alison away. Alison stared into her eyes. She knew Emily couldn't see her, but she knew she could feel her.

"You tell me you don't feel the same way. You tell me you don't love me." Alison took a shaky breath.

Emily bit her lip, which was swollen and moist and bruised from everything they'd done tonight.

"I am doing this because I love you." She gently touched Alison's face. She pressed her lips together to keep from crying. "You'll be able to see that when you've had some time to think about this."

For the next twenty minutes Alison went through an entire range of emotions from distraught to incredibly pissed off. She cried. She yelled. She pleaded. She cussed her out. She debated. She pulled her close. She pushed her away. She completely blew her top. And then, when she had nothing left, she settled. A strange wave of calmness washed over her. She helped Emily call an Uber and then helped her get her things together. Because what else could she do?

They sat out on the porch together. Neither one of them had any energy to speak. Emily reached out looking for Alison's hand. After a few seconds she felt her nimble fingers on top of her knuckles. Her fingers curled against the side of Emily's hand. Alison took a shaky breath.

"We have the worst goddamn timing."

"The worst." Emily reached up with her other hand and rubbed her eyes.

There was a beat of silence. Alison put her free hand against Emily's thigh. She could still feel what Emily felt like clenching around her fingers. She had been so magical.

"Are you sore?" It felt a little ridiculous to her, to talk about sex after finding out about her cancer and all the fighting they'd done. She also felt stupid for asking, because the girl had been battling cancer her whole life. Her pain threshold was probably high. "I was…after my first time…"

Of course, her first time neither she nor the girl she was fucking knew what they were doing. There had been a lot of clumsy moments and then a mishap with a strap-on, which Cece had told her later was a terrible idea for a first time. She hadn't been able to walk right for days. She had done her best to make sure Emily hadn't felt the full force of that pain.

"I'm okay." Emily smiled softly. "Are you?"

"Fine." But she wasn't fine. She was pained. Not her body. Her soul.

"I'm sorry…to drop all this on you like this. I wanted to wait…until after we graduated. I wanted you to have the best senior year you could possibly have."

"I have." Alison laced her fingers into Emily's. "Because I've been with you." She heard the sound of a car engine echoing down the street. She clutched Emily's hand tighter. "Are you sure you don't want to stay?" Please stay.

"Even if I wanted to, I can't. My parents are freaked out enough as it is. They worry even when I'm home. Me being out this late has probably given them both a heart attack."

"I can imagine." Alison stated, more to herself than Emily.

"I can't keep putting them through the wringer. I've got to make a choice here. And I can't do that unless my head is completely clear. And you…" She turned towards Alison, her eyes looking slightly past the side of her nose. She touched Alison's cheek, "…you, Alison DiLaurentis, are in every part of my mind, soul, and body. You are my clarity. I want you to know that."

"I love you, Emily." Her voice quivered. She pressed her forehead against Emily's. "I'm always going to love you. Every part of you. I love you because you gave me the courage to love. And I'm never going to stop."

"I know." Emily smiled, a pained expression on her face. Alison couldn't tell if it was emotional or if she had a headache. "And as much as I love you, you need to know it wasn't just me. You were always capable of love. You were always deserving of it." Emily heard a car pull into the driveway. She stood up.

"What happens now?" Alison followed her motions.

"We just need time."

"I still don't understand what that means." Alison frowned in confusion.

"I don't either." Emily admitted.

"We don't have time. Not if you're…" Dying. She couldn't say it. She couldn't give the power to the word.

Emily felt her pain. She felt everything. Her fingers traced across a lock of Alison's hair. She pushed it behind her ear and then leaned in to gently peck her lips. Alison saw a tear threatening to spill out of the corner of Emily's left eye.

"Emily, I…"

"Just think everything over." Emily grasped Alison's hips with her hands. "I didn't give you a choice when we first met. That was wrong of me. I never should have kept this from you. But now you know everything. And I want you to really consider what you want here."

"I already told you. I want you. I thought…" A tear slipped down her cheek. "I thought you believed in happy endings. Pip gets Estella, remember?"

Emily could feel the cracking of her heart. She could actually feel it breaking in her chest.

"Hey…" Emily touched Alison's cheeks. It was moist from a mixture of her sweat and her tears. "This isn't our end. I love you, Alison. More than anything. Do you understand that?"

Alison nodded. She felt like she was having an out of body experience. Or a fucking nightmare.

"I love you, too, Em." Alison's voice cracked.

Emily nodded as she gently pried her hand away from Alison's so she could grab her things. That's when the feeling of emptiness started running through her veins. It only got worse as she watched the car drive away with Emily in it.

She sat down on the porch stairs, pressing her bare feet against the finished wooden panel of the bottom step. She played with the sleeve of her nightgown, which she had changed into after she'd screamed at Emily and called her a liar and a quitter. She'd immediately regretted it.

She hadn't meant all the harsh things she'd said. She was scared, and when she was scared she lashed out. And Emily understood that, which is why she hadn't fought back. She had stood in front of her with a stoic look on her face. And in some ways that was worse than her fighting back. Because at least if she'd fought back they would have been on common ground. But instead she'd just taken Alison's shit. Because Emily knew her well enough to know exactly how she'd react.

Because she loved her.

"Fuck." Alison rubbed her eyes. Why wasn't love enough? Why couldn't love cure shit like cancer?

She stared at the moon for a while. She got lost in the stars, lost in the night they'd shared on the cruise. Lost in all of their nights. She wondered if Emily could see how wonderful she was through everyone else's eyes. She wondered if Emily knew how much she meant to the world…how much she meant to Alison.

The romantic part of her heart was telling her to get in her car and speed over to Emily's house and propose to her on her front stoop, because she wanted their forever. But the logical part of her knew that Emily had a point. She knew that what they had was special, but that they had to look at things realistically. She knew that Emily had a lot to think about, and truthfully, so did she.

She hadn't even processed the fact that everything she thought about the Fourth of July was completely skewed. She had been living with the guilt of blinding Emily for almost an entire year. She definitely wasn't innocent in her actions that night. She had sent three people to the hospital…and ruined Toby's reputation. But everything she thought she knew was unraveling. She couldn't even imagine what was going on in Emily's mind.

If she had ventured a guess she never would have thought that Emily was sitting in the back of her Uber worrying about how she'd let Alison down, how she'd hurt her in ways she couldn't take back. When the driver had picked her up the girl had sensed Emily was in no mood to talk, so she'd been polite, but quiet.

It wasn't until the car was pulling on to Emily's street that the driver meekly asked her to verify the address once more to make sure she got the right house. Before Emily could verify it she heard the girl say something about a man sitting outside.

"Do you want me to drop you off somewhere else?" The driver asked.

"No. It's okay." She knew it was her father.

She climbed out of the car, her head pounding. Her thighs were still tense from her numerous passionate love-making sessions. She was sore, but in a good way. She could still feel Alison on her, in her. Her inner walls were tugging from the strange new elasticity. She carefully made her way to the porch. She could smell the medicated muscle cream her father put on every night before bed. She could hear him shuffling around. She felt for his arm and when she found it she sat down on the swing next to him.

"You're late," he said.

"I'm sorry."

"Your mother and I have been worried."

"I know. I'm sorry," she said again.

"Emmy, you can't keep pretending everything is fine. I know you want to be normal…"

She thought about Alison's words to her earlier,

"You're not normal, Emily. You're so exceptionally not normal."

"But I'm not. I know, dad." Emily sighed. She bit her tongue to starve off her tears. Then she took a breath. "I told Alison." She linked her hands and wrenched them together. "I told her everything."

Her dad was silent.

"That's why I'm late. She refused to let me leave until we talked things through."

"And did you?"

"Kind of?" It came off more as a question than a statement. "I don't know."

"What did she say?" he asked curiously.

A lot. Emily thought to herself.

"I don't know if she understands what it means to be in love with someone like me." Though that was on her, not Alison. "Everything that comes with it…"

"I hope you're not denying her that opportunity because of fear."

Emily swallowed hard, his words sinking in, as they always did. He was so wise. Emily couldn't choke back her tears any more.

"I…I can't do this to her, dad."

"Em…" he said softly. "We don't know what's going to happen."

"Don't we?" Emily wiped some of her tears away.

"Miracles happen every day, baby girl."

"It's not about miracles, and you know it. It's about science."

"It's perfectly fine to believe in both."

"Would you put my life in the hands of a priest over a doctor?"

He didn't take offense. He knew she was hurting. She knew she was being a bitch. She was out of line. She'd just destroyed her girlfriend's heart. This wasn't his fault. This was no one's fault but her own. She pulled back.

"I'm sorry. I shouldn't snap at you. You're just trying to help. I made a mess of everything. If I had just been honest from the start I could have saved everyone all of this grief. I don't know why I had to make everything so complicated."

Wayne sat silently in thought for a few seconds before he responded.

"You remember your first diagnosis?"

Emily nodded with a sad smile.

"I think mom cried more than I did."

There was a pause and then her dad took her hand.

"You didn't."

"Huh?"

"You didn't cry. At all," he said. "In fact, I think you picked up on how terrified we were and your initial reaction was to take care of us." His fingers felt warm against her hand. "You took my face with your little hands…" He picked up her hands and clutched them and continued, his voice shaking, "…your impossibly little hands…and you told me not to worry. You said you weren't scared and you told me to be brave."

"I did?"

"You are every bit my child, down to your very nature. It's in your blood to protect the people you love."

"Yeah, but I didn't protect anyone from anything. People still got hurt. Everyone is scared…" She bit her lip. "I…I wish I could be little again, when I was fearless and not afraid."

"You are the most fearless person I know."

"I'm not." Emily drew in a stuffy breath through her nose. "I wasn't scared then." She took a shaky breath. "But I'm scared now," she said quietly. "I'm scared every minute of the day."

"I know, baby."

"And I'm just…I'm so tired, dad." She felt tears biting her eyes again. "It's so unfair."

She felt her dad stroke her face, brushing away her tears. She'd never been truly afraid of dying. Not until she met Alison. She had so much to lose now, and it was completely terrifying.

"It's not fair," she uttered again. "I don't know what to do. This sucks."

She started shaking, though she couldn't tell if it was from rage or fear. It was overwhelming. It wasn't very often that she crumbled under the pressure of her illness. She'd always faced it head on. The strong front that she put up around her parents was slowly disintegrating into shambles. But she couldn't hold it in. She was more afraid of losing Alison and leaving her heartbroken than she was of dying. She finally let herself break down.

She fell into her father's arms and wept until she couldn't breathe. She was saying garbled words that made no sense. She sobbed and clutched him, afraid if she let go she was going to collapse.

Pam watched from inside. She wanted more than anything to rush out to help her husband and to be there for her child, but she knew it was too much for Emily. One thing they'd learned from numerous stays in the hospitals was where Emily's limits were. So she waited. She watched the clock.

And finally, after what felt like forever, she heard the front door open. She heard Wayne huff out a quiet grunt and she raced into the entryway to meet them. She hadn't expected to see him carrying her, but he had their daughter in his arms. He kicked his foot against the door to get it to close. It stopped a few inches short. Pam quickly shut it. She turned to face Wayne, biting her lip.

"She's okay," he whispered, cradling his grown little girl across his chest.

Her legs were dangling over one of his arms and he had his other arm up against her shoulder blades. Her head was slack against the front of his shoulder, her eyes closed. Pam reached up to touch her puffy cheeks.

"She just exhausted herself." Wayne assured Pam.

Pam nodded and followed Wayne into Emily's room. Wayne stepped out while Pam got her out of her prom clothes. She changed her into some pajamas. Emily barely reacted to being moved around. It scared her mother.

When Wayne walked back in Pam had her hand on Emily's forehead, whispering to her to try and get her to respond. Emily just groaned and turned away from her. Pam sighed and stood up and met her husband at the door.

"Maybe we should take her in just in case. She feels warm and she doesn't seem well…"

"Pam, she'll be okay. She just needs rest," he said. "We all do." He could see the bags under his wife's eyes, even in the darkness. "Why don't you head to bed?"

"I'm not going anywhere." She stared at her daughter. She sat down against the edge of the bed again and gently took Emily's hand.

Emily wrapped her fingers around her mother's hand in her unconsciousness and muttered "mom". And just like she'd always done, Pam stroked her fingers through Emily's hair and whispered,

"I'm here, baby."

Emily had pulled away as she got older, and Pam understood that. But Pam also understood that there were some things that children always craved…no matter how old they got. It didn't matter how old she was, when she was sick…she wanted her mother. Pam remembered the first time she'd fallen ill after her mother died. She'd been in her forties. Half the time Pam didn't tell her mom when she was feeling sick, but a few months after she'd passed, Pam had gotten the flu. And all she'd wanted to do was pick up the phone and call her mother.

Having a child of her own, a sick child, had taught her about how hard it was to have the shoe on the other foot. But she was going to be on the other end of that call for Emily for as long as they both lived.

"I'm here…" She whispered again.

---

A/N: Important little soapbox message here. Be kind. Just in general. I've seen a lot of hate being thrown around lately. And I just want people to be kind.

You guys should win an award for patience, but I'm asking for a little more of that. It may take a little longer to get the next chapter out. Remember those bumps in the road and the suckerpunches I warned everyone about in the beginning of this story? The next chapter has a subject matter that will probably be triggering for a lot of people. It's shocking and raw and painful. So just be on alert and read with caution.