And now back to Calvin and Hobbes: The Series
Written by Swing123 and garfieldodie
Karma
"This meeting of G.R.O.S.S. is now called to order," Calvin said as he and Hobbes both saluted in the top of the tree house.
"Here, here," Hobbes said, clapping.
"Now, has everyone signed in, today?" Calvin asked, looking around.
Hobbes held up a clipboard, which had both his and Calvin's name on it.
"Yep." He said.
"Good," Calvin grinned. "I'm glad everyone could make it." He pulled out another clipboard. "Now, for the operation of 2010, we will now elect the new officers."
"I elect myself as president," Hobbes said.
"I elect myself Dictator-for-Life," Calvin said. "There, glad we got that sorted out. Now on to old business."
Hobbes held up a piece of paper.
"Yesterday, the enemy was at school." He said.
"Good. On to new business," Calvin said.
"Today, the enemy is playing on the sidewalk." Hobbes said. "Recent sightings have reported to her having possession of snicker doodle cookies."
"That's predictable." Calvin said.
"What's the current plan of action?" Hobbes asked.
"Soak Susie and steal the cookies." Calvin said.
"Excellent suggestion." Hobbes said.
"Good. Meeting adjourned." Calvin said.
And with that, they grabbed some water balloons and started to climb out of the tree house.
"Have you ever noticed that our shortest meetings are usually the most productive?" Hobbes asked.
"Careful, Hobbes, those kind of observations could distort reality as we know it," Calvin warned.
Hobbes rolled his eyes.
Susie, meanwhile, was keeping to herself playing with her dolls on the sidewalk by her house.
Basically, it was she was doing every time Calvin decided he wanted to come after her with water balloons.
Today, she just happened to have cookies with her, which is more or less a summoning for Calvin, unbeknown to her.
Calvin and Hobbes were sitting several feet away in the bushes across the street. Each of them were carrying a water balloon.
"OK, it's come to this." Calvin whispered. "Our whole life we've been preparing for this moment."
There was a pause.
"We have?" Hobbes asked.
"Yes, we have. And finally after all this…."
"But we do this every week," Hobbes said.
"That's irrelevant, Hobbes," Calvin said. "The point here is that we have finally come to this point in our lives and it's going to end with us acquiring a whole bunch of cookies."
"Well, it is a special occasion when Susie has actual cookies with her when she's out here," Hobbes considered.
"It's an extremely special occasion!" Calvin said. "And it's even more special when we get them! Now are we clear on the plan?"
"Erm, I think so," Hobbes said.
"You think so?" Calvin demanded.
"Enough to watch you do it long enough to catch on," Hobbes said.
There was a pause.
"That's going to have to do for now," Calvin said. "On my signal!"
And with that, Calvin rushed off towards another bush.
Hobbes watched him for a moment.
"What was the signal, again?" He asked himself, his eyes going skyward.
Susie continued playing, completely unaware of the conspiracy that was going on around her.
She was pouring imaginary tea for her stuffed rabbit, when a sound reached her ears.
She looked up.
There didn't appear to be anyone around.
She watched the bushes for a second, before going back to her toys.
Then, she heard it again.
Rustle, rustle..... Rustle…
She looked up. Still nothing.
Susie glared, suspiciously at the bushes.
"Calvin…?" She started, slowly.
There was no reply.
"Calvin, is that you?" Susie demanded. "Because if it is, I should tell you my Mom is watching me from the house!"
No answer.
Susie watched for a moment before slowly looking back down at her toys.
There was a short pause as she played.
Then, she noticed something else of particular interest: All of a sudden, something cold and wet came in contact with her head.
SPLASH!!!
"AAAAAAAUGH!!"
"TALLY-HO!!"
There was an explosion of leaves and twigs, and Calvin exploded from the bushes, and raced over to Susie, while Hobbes quietly watched from the nearby bush.
Calvin grabbed the cookies from Susie's side and raced off with them.
"CALVIN!!" Susie screeched, angrily.
"OUR MISSION IS A SUCCESS, HOBBES!!" Calvin screamed as he ran. "RUUUUUUN!!!!!"
Without even looking to see if Hobbes was following him Calvin swung around and headed off towards Sneer Hill.
Running along the base, Calvin twisted and turned through trees and over rocks in order to keep Susie from following him, despite the fact that she wasn't.
Calvin looked over his shoulder and looked around.
Susie was nowhere in sight.
Calvin grinned and turned his continue watching where he was going.
It was at that time that Calvin noticed there was something in the line of his path. Something red.
In the split second it had, Calvin's brain proceeded to work out the problem and let him in on it.
There is a wagon in the way of travel. Please turn 90 degrees to the west in order to avoid running into it.
Unfortunately, the message only got up to "There is a wagon..." before disaster struck.
CRASH!!! "AAAUGH!!'
Calvin rammed stomach-first into the wagon, knocking him off his feet and throwing him and the cookies to the ground.
He then proceeded to tumble down the mountain at an alarming rate of speed.
"OW! DANG! OUCH! OOF! AA! STOP IT! EEK! GAG! HACK! GAH! MOTHER!"
Fortunately for Calvin, it wasn't long before he came to the end of his journey down the hill. Unfortunately, the end just happened to be a cliff.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUGH!!!!" Calvin screamed as he flew off of the cliff and fell fifty feet into a lake at the bottom.
SPLASH!!!
Meanwhile, Hobbes was sitting up in the tree house, reading a Captain Napalm comic book with the MTM by his side. He had missed the entire ordeal, and was completely unaware of where Calvin was.
Suddenly, Hobbes noticed a scratching at the tree.
He looked over the side of the tree house and saw a soaking wet Calvin climbing in the tree house towards him.
Hobbes stared, expressionlessly, as Calvin climbed in, creating a giant puddle of water as he landed inside.
He glared at Hobbes.
"I assume you lost the cookies?" He said.
"Shut up." Calvin grumbled.
"What happened?" MTM asked.
"I was making the perfect getaway with the cookies, when I suddenly ran into the stupid wagon," Calvin groaned, sitting down. "I tripped on it and fell off a cliff into a lake."
"And the cookies?" Hobbes asked.
Calvin glared at him.
"Where did the wagon come from?" MTM asked.
"I don't know," Calvin sighed. "It just appeared out of nowhere as if someone had...."
There was a short pause.
Then, Calvin's eyes narrowed.
"Socrates," He growled through gritted teeth.
"Who?" Hobbes asked.
"Socrates put the wagon there!" Calvin yelled. "When I get my hands on him....!"
"No, it wasn't Socrates, Calvin," Hobbes said.
Calvin glared at him.
"How do you know?" He demanded.
"Well, for one thing Socrates and Elliot are out of town this week," Hobbes said. "Remember? He spent like an forty five minutes telling us not to get too comfortable while he was gone,"
Calvin paused.
"Oh, right." He said.
He thought for a moment.
"Well, then there's only one other logical explanation!" He said, finally.
Hobbes and MTM listened.
"We're being attacked by ghosts, again!" Calvin announced.
Hobbes and the MTM moaned.
"Alright, MTM! I want you to do a scan of the entire property and Sneer Hill for all abnormally magnetic spots and locations!" Calvin ordered.
"Alright," MTM sighed.
There was a pause.
"Done. There is one abnormally magnet spot on the property." He said.
"Ah! Good. Where is it?" Calvin asked.
"The toaster," MTM said.
There was a pause.
"I'll have Dad look into that," Calvin said.
"So it wasn't a ghost?" Hobbes asked.
"No," Calvin grumbled. "And I'm out of theories,"
"Well, Calvin, would you like my opinion?" MTM asked.
Calvin stared at the MTM.
"Sure. What do you think it was?" He said.
"I think your case is a classic example of karma." MTM said. "If you do good things, good things happen to you. If you do bad things, you end up having something totally unspeakable happen to your person."
Calvin thought about that for a moment.
"Really?" He asked.
"Oh, sure, there's even a science out on it," MTM said.
"A science?" Hobbes asked. "What kind?"
"Oh you mean karma? Sorry mate, I was thinking about something else," MTM said. "Karma is just something you put total and complete faith in."
Calvin and Hobbes rolled their eyes.
"Well, what do you think, Calvin?" Hobbes asked.
"I think there may be some truth to that," Calvin considered.
Hobbes stared at him in disbelief.
"Oh, don't tell me you believe it!" He said.
"Well, there's a pretty simple way to find out," MTM said. "Go do something good for humanity."
Calvin considered that.
"Yeah, I think I will," He said, finally. "I'm going to go test this little theory."
And with that, he climbed out the tree house, and raced towards the house.
Hobbes and the MTM watched him go.
"Ya know what I think?" MTM said, at last.
"What?" Hobbes asked, turning around.
"I think they're going to discover chocolate milk is the cure for the swine flu." MTM said, sounding as if he was nodding. "That stuff's going to be more precious than oil, it is,"
Hobbes rolled his eyes.
Calvin then spent the rest of the day in his bedroom. He basically tore everything apart and put it back together again. He cleaned out all his drawers, he cleared off his desk and other surfaces, he made his bed, he cleaned out his closet, he put all his toys away, and so on.
When he was done, he raced downstairs and got Mom to come examine it.
"Wow, Calvin, I'm impressed," She said, looking around the room. "You put everything away."
She checked under the bed.
"Nothing's been stuffed under the bed," She stood up and looked in the closet. "Nothing in the closet, I can see you really worked hard.
"Yes well, I try," Calvin said, proudly.
"You succeed," Mom said, smiling at him. "Now I don't have to do it,"
Calvin paused.
"Here, if you wait here a minute, I'll get you something for all this trouble you went through." Mom said, leaving the room.
Calvin blinked.
About thirty seconds later, Mom returned with a plate of cookies.
Calvin's eyes burst open.
"Here you are," She said, handing him the plate. "Reward for doing such a good job without me even asking you to do it,"
"Wow! Thanks Mom!" Calvin grinned, eagerly taking the plate. "I've learned a valuable lesson!"
"That's good," Mom said, rolling her eyes and walking out.
Calvin looked down at the plate of cookies in his hands, a wide grin spread across his face.
A bit later, Hobbes came climbing up towards the bedroom. Once there, he was shocked to find Calvin sitting on his bed in his clean room munching on a cookie and reading a comic books.
"Have I missed something?" Hobbes asked.
"Of course you've missed something," Calvin said. "When are you not missing something?"
"When I'm hanging out around you?" Hobbes guessed.
"Right, now what have we learned today?" Calvin asked.
"Find someone else to hang around with?" Hobbes asked.
"Har, har," Calvin grumbled turning back to his comic book. "Anyway, the MTM was right. I got a big plate full of cookies just because I cleaned my room up and did the right thing!"
"Huh," Hobbes said, sitting down next to Calvin.
"It's even the same amount of cookies that Susie had, too! How lucky is that?" Calvin grinned.
"Can I have one?"
"And they're snicker doodles, too! How often do we have snicker doodles?"
"Can I have one of them?"
"And then there's the fact that my room's a lot more comfortable. Did you know my room was this big? I sure didn't!"
"I refuse to answer you until I get a cookie," Hobbes said, crossing his arms, defiantly.
Calvin sighed and gave Hobbes a cookie.
"But isn't this the greatest discovery of the century, Hobbes?" He asked, grinning at him.
"Not really," Hobbes said.
"Oh?" Calvin said, his eyebrows jumping. "And why do you say that?"
"Well, mostly because people have always known about karma," Hobbes said.
There was a pause.
"But still, it's one of the greatest discoveries I've ever encountered in my life! I now have a ticket to free stuff! All I have to do is always make sure to be a little angel, and I'll always get whatever I want!"
"Sure," Hobbes said, rolling his eyes.
"It's like Christmas, except I get paid back instantly!"
"Not necessarily," Hobbes said. "There's not really a rule book telling you how long or quickly it'll come back to you,"
"Yeah, well, even so, we still have valuable information that we mustn't ever forget!"
"Yeah, I don't think we'll forget," Hobbes said, rolling his eyes.
"Good! I'm glad we've cleared that up!" Calvin grinned. "Because from now on this is how I'm going to be living my life!"
That night Calvin went to bed when he was told to do so. Not ten minutes afterward. Not twenty or thirty minutes after. As soon as Mom said, "Bedtime,".
Needless to say this was a major relief for her, as she tucked him into bed, performed her nightly "monster inspection" and left the bedroom, turning the light off as she did so.
The next morning, Calvin woke up bright and early. Well… It was early, at least, and he was surprised to find himself not being yelled at by Mom that he was going to miss the bus.
After a few minutes of lying in bed, Calvin finally got up, stretched, and began getting dressed for the day. He felt refreshed. He wasn't as tired as he normally was in the mornings, and there was a certain upbeat spark about his smile.
He put on his clothes for school that day, which he had carefully laid out the previous night, and climbed down the stairs towards the kitchen.
There he found Mom and Dad sitting at the kitchen table, sipping on their coffee, both evidently still half asleep.
"Morning, Mom! Dad!" Calvin said, cheerfully, walking with a kind of spring in his step as he approached to pantry to get his cereal. "Quite a lovely day isn't it?"
Mom and Dad stared at him blankly.
"Did…did we sleep in?" Mom asked, checking her watch.
"Oh, god! I'm going to be late for work!" Dad yelled, grabbing his coat off the chair and racing out the door with it.
Calvin simply grinned.
Mom looked at him unsurely.
"What are you doing up so early?" She asked, suspiciously. "I don't get you up for another hour."
"Well, early bed, early to rise does something good for you," Calvin said, pouring his cereal and reaching for the milk. "Care for some milk?"
Mom's eyes rolled into the back of her head. Calvin was getting weird on her, again.
"No thanks, Calvin. I'll stick to my coffee," She sighed.
Calvin shrugged.
"To each his own," He said, pouring the milk and beginning breakfast.
Mom sighed.
Later that day at school, Miss Wormwood was doing her usual round around her classroom, handing out grades.
Calvin was sitting straight up in his seat, grinning happily as he waited for Miss Wormwood to hand him his paper.
"Calvin, congratulations, you got an 'A'," Miss Wormwood said, handing him his paper.
"I thank you immensely, Miss Wormwood," Calvin grinned sweetly taking the paper from her. "May I also add you look lovely, today?"
Miss Wormwood concentrated on just staring straight ahead as she continued handing out the papers.
After school, Calvin deliberately let everyone else sit down in the bus before he did. He sat down near the front of the bus, and simply sat there, grinning like a lunatic.
Everyone else was incredibly unsure of his behavior.
A bit later, Calvin and Susie were both dropped off near their houses, where they both walked down towards it. Calvin a bit more happily than Susie.
"Isn't it a beautiful day?!" Calvin grinned, looking around happily. Getting a bit sickening, now, isn't it?
"Don't talk to me," Susie growled.
"The birds are singing, there are squirrels leaping from tree to tree around us, and the subtle signs of spring are starting to show!"
"Shut up," Susie grumbled.
"I'm just making innocent observations," Calvin said. "Am I not even allowed to that?"
"If you say one more word, Calvin," Susie warned.
Calvin shrugged, and they continued walking.
When they reached Susie's house, Susie angrily turned and stormed off towards her house.
"I'll see you tomorrow, Susie!" Calvin called, cheerfully, waving after her.
"Go away!" Susie spat.
Calvin shrugged, and continued on his way.
Finally, after a couple more houses of walking, Calvin finally made it to his own location of residence.
After walking merrily towards the front door, he opened it, and yelled as loud as he could, "I'M HOME!!!"
Now, before I go on, I should probably consider, do I really need to tell you what came next? I don't think I really do. I think that anybody who has read more than twelve Calvin and Hobbes comic strips can kind of assume what occurred after our hero said those two words.
POW!!!
There was an explosion of orange as Calvin and Hobbes both went sailing away from the door in the opposite direction.
CRASH!!!
Another explosion occurred soon afterward as Calvin and Hobbes both landed in the grass in the yard across the street.
For a moment all fell silent as nothing happened within the small crater that had just been created in the Earth.
Then, Hobbes leaped out.
"WHOO HOO!!" He yelled. "Look at that!! We cleared the street this time! I'm telling you, we're on a roll, now!!"
Calvin then came climbing out of the dirt, and dusted himself off.
"Yes, I agree one hundred percent!" He grinned, seeming to still retaining his positive attitude. "You might want to hit a bit harder, though,"
Hobbes blinked.
"Really? How come?" He asked.
Calvin glared at him.
"Because I don't think they felt the shockwave in SCOTLAND!!!"
"I'll make a note of that," Hobbes grinned.
And with that, Hobbes helped Calvin up, and they both headed back towards the house.
"So how's this whole karma thing working out for you?" Hobbes asked.
"Very well!" Calvin grinned. "In fact, I'd go as far as to say it's going quite well! Everything is turning out perfectly for me!"
"Really?" Hobbes asked.
"Oh, you bet!" Calvin said. "All I have to do is act happy and do a good deed every now and again and my life becomes perfect!"
"You don't say?" Hobbes said.
"Yep!" Calvin grinned.
"You're not having second thoughts about it?" Hobbes asked.
"Oh, no." Calvin shook his head. "I have complete and unwavering faith in this. It has become my new religion Hobbes!"
"Karma is a religion?" Hobbes asked.
"It is, now. I declare myself a Karmanian." Calvin said.
Hobbes rolled his eyes.
"And from here on in, you will see nothing but good deeds and happiness from me!" Calvin said, proudly.
"That's good to know," Hobbes said. "So, what's the current plan of action?"
"Eat dinner, do homework, take a bath, brush my teeth and go to bed," Calvin said. "Maybe watch some TV if I have time.
"I see," Hobbes said, sighing.
And with that they walked into the house and closed the door. Bringing it all to quite a happy little story. However, Hobbes was not too sure about this new Calvin.
Calvin came upstairs after dinner, feeling very good about himself.
"Guess what I had for dinner tonight!" he exclaimed.
Hobbes looked up from his comic book.
"I'm assuming it wasn't eggplant casserole," he said, looking Calvin over.
"Nothing of the sort! We had hamburgers!"
"Did you indeed?"
"Yep! And get this: the grill didn't take forever to light up! It lit just like that!"
"Fascinating."
"And so, after a good meal like that, I think I'll get started on my homework."
Calvin sat at his desk and began pulling out his papers from his backpack.
"Do you want my help?" Hobbes asked.
"No thank you," Calvin replied. "I think I got enough from Miss Wormwood's teaching to get me through it by myself, but I thank you for your offer."
Hobbes stared at him in bewilderment.
Calvin then went about his math homework, never once looking up to ask Hobbes for any help, nor to complain about the educational system trying to drain of him of his originality.
In fact, after thirty minutes of working diligently, Calvin had finished his homework.
"Done!" he said proudly, putting it away. "I think that went rather well."
"CALVIN! TIME FOR YOUR BATH!" Mom shouted from downstairs.
"OKAY!" Calvin shouted back.
Calvin got out of his chair and headed for the door.
"What, that's it?" Hobbes asked. "No yelling? No screaming? No trying to hide in the vacuum bag?"
"I'm a good boy now, Hobbes. I'm going to take my bath like a good boy."
And with that, Calvin left.
Hobbes shrugged and followed.
Calvin sat in his back, scrubbing himself with soap and playing with the bubble bath.
Hobbes sat off to the side of the bathtub so that Calvin could make conversation, as per usual.
"You know, Hobbes, this karma thing has really taught me a few things," he said.
"Such as?" Hobbes asked.
"Well, as it turns out, if I go to bed when Mom tells me to, Karma wakes me up the next day feeling refreshed and ready to face the day ahead!"
"You don't say," Hobbes sighed.
"And as it turns out, if I actually do my homework, Karma gives me an 'A' for it!"
"Interesting."
"I tell you, Hobbes, this could be the best thing ever! Karma is my new favorite thing in the world!"
"Well, bear in mind, it works both ways," Hobbes said, leaning against the side of the tub.
"What do you mean?"
"Well, the other day, when we tried to steal Susie's cookies, Karma put a wagon in your path and rolled you down a hill."
"Oh. Erm…"
"And then, of course, there was the time you locked Rosalyn out of the house, and then your parents grounded you for a week."
"Um…"
"And then there was the time you kidnapped Susie's doll and held it for ransom, and then I was kidnapped and you had to pay a ransom to get me back."
"Hey, you had your chance to get yourself out of there…"
"And then there was that whole business concerning the Noodle Incident…"
"THAT WASN'T ME! THAT WAS AN IMPOSTER!"
"Say what you will. You still had to come up with a way out of it. That story you told… Man…"
"It was the truth, I tell you! You weren't there, so you can't disprove it!"
Hobbes grinned teasingly.
"Just face it, Calvin, if anything, Karma is more like Santa Claus."
"How? In that they both give me stuff?"
"No. Karma is watching you."
"W-Watching me…?" Calvin asked, sinking lower under the bubbles.
"Karma knows when you've been sleeping. Karma knows when you're awake. Karma knows when you've been bad or good, so be good for your safety's sake."
"Okay, you're just trying to psyche me out."
"Then only real difference that I myself can see is that Santa only really cracks down on you in December. Karma is a year-round thing. It doesn't stop. It doesn't rest. It's always there. It's always following you. It's always judging. It's always ready. It can reward you beyond your wildest dreams, and it can punish you in more ways than one."
Calvin stared at Hobbes with wide horrified eyes for a long time.
"So…you're saying…now that I've accepted Karma, Karma will control me for the rest of my life?"
"That's entirely up to you. You control your own person. You can decide."
Calvin stared at the dissipating bubbles in his bath with him. He gulped nervously.
"I think I'm done with my bath," he said.
He pulled the plug at the bottom of the tub and let the water drain out. But he didn't leave the tub. He continued to sit there quietly, watching it whirl down through the drain, sitting amidst the crackling suds.
Finally, all the water was gone, and Calvin was sitting in an empty tub.
"Wow," he said quietly. "There is no more depressing act than sitting in the tub and waiting for the water to finish draining."
"Plus, I'll bet your butt is really wrinkly right now," Hobbes added.
"Yes, Hobbes, there is that, yes."
That night, Calvin got into his pajamas and climbed into bed with Hobbes. They both got themselves settled.
"Well, goodnight," Hobbes said, turning over to settle in for the night.
"Yeah, goodnight," Calvin said, not really looking at him.
Mom came in to tuck him in.
"Goodnight," she said, "and be sure to get a good sleep. It's another busy day tomorrow."
And kissing him on his forehead, she turned out the light and shut the door.
Calvin let out a weary sigh and settled in for the night.
The next day, Calvin was up bright and early again, once again feeling refreshed, and he once again credited Karma for looking after him. He climbed into the top of his dresser, opening the top drawer, and then he closed himself inside. Each drawer opened a little until he reached the bottom, emerging in his normal clothes, sans shoes, which he pulled out and started to put on.
"Time to face the day," he sighed. "A day of being good, paying attention, being friendly, and conforming to the ways of everyday society."
"Shut the door on your way out," Hobbes said with a yawn.
Calvin sighed and gathered his things. He headed out the door and downstairs.
When he got there, Mom and Dad were still half-asleep, drinking coffee, grunting, and mumbling incoherently.
Calvin entered, smiling pleasantly at them.
"Good morning!" he said cheerfully.
Dad stared at him, and then at his watch.
"Late again?!" he cried. "I need to get this thing fixed!"
And with that, he fled the room.
Mom sighed.
Calvin got out the cereal and milk, preparing his breakfast of Chocolate Frosted Sugar Bombs.
"So, what are you doing today, Mom?" Calvin asked politely.
Mom raised a skeptical eyebrow.
"Um…I'm going to a book sale, and then I'm going to do some shopping."
"Ooh, sounds fun. I hope you enjoy yourself."
"Er, thanks."
Calvin finished his breakfast and picked up his backpack.
"Well, I'd better get going," he said. "See you this afternoon."
"Have a good day."
"I plan to."
And with that, Calvin was out the door.
Mom stared after him, bewildered.
"I'd better give his doctor a call…," she considered, "or my own."
Calvin walked up to the bus stop at the same time as Susie.
"What are you doing here?!" Susie exclaimed.
"I'm going to school. Why?" Calvin asked, genuinely confused.
"But…but don't you usually need someone to drag you out here?"
"Oh, I was up early enough. I should be alright."
Susie made an effort not to look at him.
"Isn't it a wonderful morning?" Calvin continued.
Susie looked at him unsurely. "Um, yes, it is, I guess…"
"Indeed, it is. Birds flying, the leaves are growing back, and there are pinecones everywhere."
Calvin then began to notice something.
There were pinecones everywhere.
Pinecones.
They were like projectiles.
Calvin found himself staring intently at one of them. It was but a few feet away.
Then he glanced at Susie, who was waiting anxiously for the bus to arrive.
All he had to was reach, grab, throw and run.
It was that simple.
So why wasn't he doing it?!
Because Karma wouldn't like that.
Hitting Susie upside the head with a pinecone? What was there to like?
Realizing he was about to lose that particular argument, he focused on what would happen if he did, if Karma weren't involved.
Well, Susie would be angry and upset. She might start to cry. She might try to beat him up. He'd get in trouble with his parents. He'd be grounded for awhile. Susie would despise him even more.
Wait, why did that one matter to him?
Racking his brain, he realized that this extreme decision-making was causing him to sweat and make a weird face.
Susie was staring at him.
"Calvin, are you okay?" she asked.
Calvin thought fast. He had to say something.
Smile.
Nod.
DO SOMETHING!
"You look pretty this morning."
And there it was.
The compliment hung in the air between them.
They stared at each other. Planets were born. Stars died. No one spoke. It was WEIRD!
Finally, Susie cleared her throat and spoke.
"Th-thank you…Calvin," she said, clearly taken aback.
Calvin looked frantically down the road for the bus. Thankfully, it was coming up the road. It came to a stop next to them and the door slid open.
"Well, bus is here! Let's go!" Calvin cried nervously, scampering aboard, hoping for dear life that Hobbes didn't find out about this.
Susie was still blown away by the experience and cautiously followed after him.
Needless to say, they sat far apart from each other for the rest of the day.
Calvin arrived in his classroom and sat down at his desk, trying to remain upbeat and cheerful. The effort was consuming him from within. Nevertheless, he sat down at his desk, pulled out his books and homework.
"Alright, class," Miss Wormwood said, "let's begin our class today. First, I want you all to pass forward your homework."
Everyone got out there homework and passed it ahead to the person in front of them.
Calvin collected the papers of those behind, added his own, and passed it to the student in front of him.
As the homework was collected, Calvin noticed something.
The door was still open.
Calvin felt something in his mind click.
The room seemed to morph and took a new shape.
We rejoin our intrepid hero, Spaceman Spiff, on the Prison Planet Delta-54. Our hero has been captured by the Intergalactic Space Wardens, who plan to rob Spiff of his individuality. To make him dull and bland, so as to add more order to the universe. Never one to conform to the ways of the alien menace, Spiff prepares for his escape…
Calvin smirked a bit and checked to see that no one was there to be in his way and stop him. He felt the itch. It was getting more and more difficult not to ignore.
Spiff prepares his rocket shoes…
But then, Calvin's smirk disappeared. He was just about ready to flee, but something in him stopped him from running. He looked around the room. No one could stop him. No one was paying attention to him.
Why wouldn't he run?
Then Spiff makes a horrifying discovery. The prison's name is Karma! Karma always equips its inmates with electric shocks. One hint of insubordination and our hero will be fried to oblivion!
Calvin looked around unsurely. He geared down a little bit and settled back into his seat.
On the other hand, if our hero obeys the rules, he will be allowed back into society within at least eleven more years, free to do as he pleases, and possibly to reject the lifestyle they have forced upon him.
Sighing with disappointment with his new restrictions, Calvin sat up straight, smiled politely and waited to learn.
Miss Wormwood stood up and began to teach class.
"Is everyone ready?" she asked. "Let's begin. Calvin?"
Calvin didn't look startled. He looked ready.
"Come up to the board and work this math problem."
Calvin nodded and got up and went up to the board.
A math problem stared back at him.
7 + 6 =
Calvin at first felt as though everything in the world was collapsing around him. He prayed for a fire drill to come…
Nothing.
Where was Karma when he needed it?!
Then he realized. Karma wanted him to finish the problem.
Gulping nervously, he began to work out the problem from within his head.
Seven and six combined?
He started with seven. Then he began to count forwards, adding six more numbers to it. His eyes widened in shock as if he'd just uncovered a great truth.
So that's what addition meant to do.
He wrote the number down under the equation.
13.
Everyone stared at him.
Calvin was unaware of just how religious he'd just become as he began to internally chant prayers from various churches.
Miss Wormwood looked surprised.
"That's right," she said. "Well done, Calvin. You may sit down now."
Letting out a breath he didn't know he'd been holding Calvin walked back to his seat, sitting down heavily.
At recess, Calvin felt extra relieved to be away from everyone else. He immediately went to the swings. He enjoyed being on the swings. They allowed him to leave reality for awhile and just enjoy the isolation.
He had just jumped on and was getting ready to begin, when he felt someone grab the swing chains. He looked up and saw Moe's big ugly face glaring down at him.
"Get outta the swing, Twinky," he ordered.
Calvin didn't know what to do. He just stared at Moe with fear in his eyes, hoping someone would do something. Hoping that Karma would do something.
"Y-you can't tell me what to do, Moe," he said, hoping he didn't sound like a canary.
"Oh no?" Moe sneered, rolling up his sleeve.
Calvin gulped. He didn't know what to do. He decided to stand his ground. Maybe Karma would do something save him.
Maybe Moe would get incinerated by lightning or something.
POW!
Calvin found himself flying out of the swing and across the playground, landing in some mulch. He found himself grumbling and mumbling as he got up and walked away in disgust.
"Ha, ha! What a weenie!"
Calvin felt betrayed.
Where was Karma? He'd been working his socks off, hoping something good would come from it, but now there was nothing!
At least, that's what he thought at first…
Later that day, Calvin was at his locker, getting his things ready to go home. He was grumbling still, considering taking his frustrations out on Susie by throwing that pinecone after all.
But then he heard someone walking up behind him. He half-heartedly thought it was Susie, and he prepared himself to go into a blistering insult.
But it wasn't Susie.
It was Moe. He was glaring at him.
And Miss Wormwood was standing over him, looking very stern.
At first Calvin thought he was in big trouble. He pressed himself up against his locker, bracing himself.
"OKAY, YOU TWO! JUST DO IT! GIVE MY LOVE TO MOTHER!"
Miss Wormwood sighed and nudged Moe's back.
"Say it, Moe," she said sternly.
Moe seemed to be growling as he seemed to struggle to get the words out.
"Calvin…I'm…sorry…I pushed you out of the swing," he grunted. "It'll never…happen…again…"
Calvin stared at Moe incredulously.
Did Moe just apologize?!
Did Miss Wormwood just make him?!
At first, he wanted to mock Moe mercilessly, but then he found another way to enjoy this.
"That's okay, Moe," Calvin said sweetly. "I'm sure you were only expressing yourself."
Moe grumbled.
"Well, he'll be 'expressing himself' for the next week in detention," Miss Wormwood said. "Off you go, Moe."
Moe glared at Calvin and stormed away towards the Principal's Office.
"But Miss Wormwood…? How did you know?" Calvin asked.
"Susie saw what happened on the playground and she alerted me to it. I'll see to it Moe behaves himself in future."
And she left.
Calvin stared in shock.
"Wait…Susie… What?!"
Calvin didn't know what to think. He had been nice to Susie and did his homework for Miss Wormwood, and Karma had sent them both to his rescue when Moe attacked him. Or maybe, Karma had been punishing Moe as well.
Smiling slightly, Calvin looked up to the ceiling.
"Nice work, Karma, nice work," he grinned.
And with that, he left the hallway and headed for the bus.
The bus dropped Calvin and Susie off at their corner, and they walked down the walk for awhile.
"Um, Susie," Calvin said, feeling rather awkward now.
"Yes?" Susie asked, looking at him.
"Er, Miss Wormwood told me about what you did, and…," he was finding this way too difficult; "…I just…wanted to say…thanks."
Susie smiled a little bit.
"It's okay," she said. "Moe shouldn't do that anyway."
Calvin found himself straining again. He looked around, trying to figure out what it was that was tormenting him.
It was a mud puddle.
It was lining the sidewalk.
It was the goopy sticky mud that took forever to get out of your clothes.
He glanced at Susie, who was looking straight ahead.
Just one scoop, followed by one throw, followed by him hoping a truck to Mexico…
That's all it would take.
But Karma wouldn't like that.
This was getting more and more dangerous for him. He could feel the sweat pouring down his face. Why was he like this?
Susie finally seemed to notice he was at unease.
"Are you alright?" she asked.
"F-fine! Wh-why do you ask?!" Calvin replied, a little too loudly.
"Well, you don't look so well."
"Oh, I'm just feeling a little tired. I need to get home and relax."
Thankfully, Calvin found himself standing in front of his walk.
"Well, thank you for the company, Susie. See you later!"
And he fled back up the walk towards his house.
Susie watched him nervously before carrying on towards her house.
Calvin tore up along his walk, scurried around the corner and up the steps to his door.
"I'M HOME!" he shouted.
WHAM!
Hobbes naturally flew out of the door and grabbed Calvin, and they both landed in the yard, kicking up dirt.
"WELCOME HOME!" Hobbes cheered happily.
"Er, thanks," Calvin said, feeling a little better.
"Come on! We've got stuff to do! Games to play! Let's go do something on Sneer Hill!"
"Like what?"
"Who cares?! Let's just do something!"
Calvin thought about this. He had homework to do. What would Karma want?
That question was really beginning to bug him.
All this being nice just for good things to happen to him? It was tearing him apart inside. It didn't feel natural. He was forcing all this good out of himself and for what? Free cookies? Good grades?
Sure, Moe getting detention had been pretty sweet, but that's just one thing.
But the more he thought about it, the more he realized just how much other people probably wanted him to do this.
Heaving a sad sigh, he looked Hobbes in the eyes.
"I can't. I have homework."
Hobbes' face fell like a ton of bricks.
"No games?" he asked. "But I want to play a game!"
"Then go play a game. You've got time. I've got homework to do. Then I need to have dinner, take my bath and go to bed."
"Are you sure?"
"It's what Karma wants from me."
"But… But… We… But we need to have a GROSS meeting today too! Remember? We scheduled one for today."
Calvin considered this.
"GROSS was founded on the basis that girls are gross. It's just a club we formed to be mean to girls!"
"You formed it on that! I just wanted to be in the club!"
"Exactly. That's why, Hobbes, I've decided…"
Calvin paused. These next words would be hard.
"…to resign my post as Dictator-for-Life."
Hobbes' jaw dropped open.
"WHAT?!" he screamed.
"I'm sorry Hobbes, but I can't do that stuff anymore! I've got to follow Karma. It's the only way I'll feel good!"
"And how do you feel now?" Hobbes demanded angrily.
"I feel great!" Calvin retorted, not exactly feeling it. With that, he stormed back into the house.
Hobbes grumbled through hurt and indignation.
"He is so sleeping on the roof tonight!" he grumbled.
Later that afternoon, Calvin was finishing up his homework for the day. He'd put his all into it. He was just finishing up when Dad came in.
"Ah, Calvin," he said. "I need you to do something for me."
Taking a deep breath, Calvin turned around and faced him. "Yes?" he asked.
"I need you to pick up sticks in the yard for me so I can mow the lawn."
Calvin gulped. Karma was playing with him. Making him work.
"Uh…sure, Dad, I'll do it."
"Good. Get started. I'll check on your progress in an hour."
And he left.
Calvin gulped nervously.
Calvin didn't know why picking up these sticks was playing on his nerves. If anything, it was a normal chore. Not really difficult.
But he had to resist the urge he was a pirate. He had to hold back the urge to throw them up in the air to try and catch them. He had to resist the urge to knock things over with it.
The task was too tempting.
"Be good… Be good…," he muttered to himself. "Don't mess it up. Don't do something bad. Karma will get you… Karma will kill you… Don't falter! Just do it!"
"Calvin?"
"ACK!"
Calvin dropped the sticks he was carrying and saw Susie standing behind him.
"Oh, Susie, hello!" he said, forcing out every bit of cheerfulness he had.
"Are you okay?"
"Never better! Thank you for asking!"
Susie remained unconvinced. "Are you sure?"
"Definitely!"
"Well, you've just been looking rather…drained lately."
"Oh, it's nothing! I assure you! Everything's wonderful! It's fine! IT'S FINE!"
Calvin continued to look at her with a crazed look on his face.
Susie continued to stare at him.
"No, you're not."
Calvin felt his legs give out from under and collapsed in the grass.
"No, I'm not," he muttered.
"What's happened? Why are you trying to be so nice?"
Calvin looked her in the eye.
"Karma."
Calvin went into the sad story of how he'd discovered Karma. He talked about how he was determined to follow Karma, and how he was determined to be good for want of a good life. He talked about how this grew from wanting material things to wanting Karma to not harm him.
"So…," Susie said after awhile. "This whole thing arose from an intense fear of Karma?"
"Yes."
"But Calvin, look at what it's doing to you! You can't live like this!"
"What, by being nice to everyone?"
"Exactly! Calvin, you live by your own rules! You make things up! You create! You destroy! You tease temptation! You do all sorts of horrible things, most of them to me, yes, but then there are days you do good all on your own! You shouldn't let something like Karma run your life! You need to be rude and nasty and gross and weird, so that you can be good on your own accord."
Calvin stared at her in amazement. For the first time in his life, he felt a newfound respect for Susie.
"So…you're saying I should forget Karma, and live my life the way I choose?"
Susie sighed. "At the risk of my own life, yes."
Calvin then began to feel different.
The heavy weight in his chest began to lift.
"Thanks, Susie," he said, getting up. "I appreciate this."
Susie nodded. "You're welcome."
"Now, if you'll excuse me, I have something I need to do."
Calvin gathered up the sticks and carried them away.
Susie watched him leave.
Hobbes was sitting on the bed, quietly reading a comic book. He looked up when Calvin entered the room.
"Hey, Hobbes," Calvin said.
"Hello," Hobbes replied.
Calvin entered his closet and disappeared for awhile.
Hobbes watched curiously.
Finally, Calvin emerged, wearing a mask. In his hands, he held a volleyball, a basketball, tennis rackets and a bunch of wickets.
Hobbes stared, joy beginning to make it's way into his heart.
"Does this mean…?" he asked hopefully.
"We'll have a GROSS meeting to swear me back into the club later," Calvin said. "For now, let's play a game, make up our rules and run around Sneer Hill like a couple of loons!"
"But it'll be suppertime in about fifteen minutes!"
"So?"
Calvin held out a black mask.
Grinning widely, Hobbes got off the bed, took it and put it on.
"Let's hit it!" Calvin cheered.
And they fled the room happily.
The next day, Calvin was back in class, smiling politely at everyone and sitting upright.
Miss Wormwood stood up before the class.
"Okay, everyone, take out your homework and pass it forwards."
Calvin went about his business, passing his homework forwards with the rest of the papers.
As Miss Wormwood was gathering it up, however, Calvin immediately checked his surroundings.
It was all clear.
"Alright, class, let's begin," Miss Wormwood was saying. "We'll start with Math today, and then we'll—"
"SPIFF ESCAPES!"
Calvin's desk was toppled over as Calvin leapt over all the desks that stood between him and the doorway. He fled down the hallway and vanished.
"CALVIN!" Miss Wormwood shouted, chasing after him.
Everyone watched incredulously as Calvin and Miss Wormwood disappeared.
And yet, Susie couldn't help but smile.
"He's back," she said, grinning at Candace.
Calvin fled the building and flew out the doors.
Our hero, having finally disabled Karma's electric bands, escapes the prison and heads for his spaceship.
Once behind a bush, Calvin pulled out his Hypercube and pulled out his cardboard box. Pocketing the cube for later, he started up the box and took to the sky.
What a triumphant escape! Our hero tears across the galaxy and heads back towards his base.
He landed the box at his house in the backyard, placing it safely under the treehouse.
Hearing the noise, Hobbes looked outside and saw him.
"Hey, you're back early!" he said, climbing down from the bedroom window.
"Yep! Come on! Let's go look through the swamps and find something gross to dump on Susie when she gets home!"
"Wheeee! I love it when you're home early!"
And they dove into the woods just as Mom received a phone call.
"Hello?" she asked. "Speaking… HE WHAT?!"
THE END
Voice Work:
Pamela Segall Adlon Calvin / Spaceman Spiff
Tom Hanks Hobbes
Jennifer Love Hewitt Mom
Bill Murray Dad
Dakota Fanning Susie
EG Daily Moe
Mary Jo Catlett Miss Wormwood
Norman Lovett MTM
Coming Up Next: Forecast for Disaster