XXV. Lost in Dreams
Cullen kept waking on and off during the night, sometimes knowing where he was, and others, he had no clue. His dreams were all strange, at least, mostly they were, and it was hard to tell when he was actually awake if he was still dreaming or not because everything was so disjointed in his mind. One of his dreams entailed time spent in the training yards as an adolescence when he was first beginning to learn how to wield a blade, and that had been a pleasant enough dream, but it was a frustrating one because, in it, he apparently couldn't keep his sword in his hand, kept dropping it no matter how hard he tried to hold onto it, and in turn the Commander kept yelling at him for it.
He also dreamt about the Lyrium. He went to Aislinn in her study to try and attain some more, but she kept telling him no, and it made him angry, but for some reason, he couldn't argue with her. He kept fearing that if he did, she would hate him, and he didn't want that even though he wanted a dose of Lyrium so badly.
Finally, he opened his eyes and saw a fire burning in the hearth across from him. It was crackling and popping in a languid manner, and he let his eyes close again. Despite his confusion and his withdrawal, he felt a sense of calm washing over him for once, one that perhaps his forgetfulness had brought on. It was hard to continue worrying about where the next dose of Lyrium might come from when you could barely remember it to begin with.
Wasn't he supposed to have been tied down? He couldn't remember, but his hands were free now. Must have been another dream.
He lay there quietly, trying his best to fight off the urges he'd been having, trying to tell himself that he was stronger than this, before drifting off in thought again. He felt a bit of shifting beneath him as this happened, and groggily, his eyes reopened. He could see the outline of a chest where his head was resting, one covered with the bodice of a dark blue mage's robe, and he felt a set of fingers trailing across his back and slowly up into his hair before running back down again in a soothing manner. Aislinn, he thought. Turning his gaze down, he noticed his hand was resting against her bare thigh, which had just shifted a little beneath his touch, uncovered from the slit of the same robe with his hand resting on the warm skin she had to offer.
Finally, a dream he could at least find some kind of escape in.
Cullen never admitted it, but he'd had more dreams of Aislinn that were similar to this than he could count. Especially when he'd been in Kirkwall, maybe because he felt it was a bit safer to let his mind wander over these kinds of things whenever he was farther away from her. He drew his hand up her thigh slowly, across the silken skin, and felt a few chill bumps forming in it when he did. He didn't know why, but he liked that, and let his fingertips trace back down again, then up and over the top of the slit, against her robe covered hip. These were always good dreams, even if they frustrated him.
She didn't move much in response, and he came to a stop, casting wearied eyes up to see her peaceful face, her eyes closed, chest lifting and falling slowly in her sleep. She was gorgeous, that was the only word he could think of for it - as if he could think of much else anyway. Something in him felt as if he might've known he didn't want to think of anything else just then. The rest of the world was ugly for Cullen right now, and he didn't want to see it.
His eyes locked on her bodice when he noticed her breathing. His head lifted a bit more, looking down over the swells of her breasts at the top of her neckline, the robe tailored with a dark blue corset that tied around her waist, which gave her a nice shape, and he felt himself stirring for something other than Lyrium as he admired it. Why the Maker had to make women like her so beautiful he'd never know, but it was irritating. Wait, were there other women like her? He drifted off in thought, unable to process the question, so he let it go.
Instead, he stared back down at her. It wasn't proper for him to look at her the way he did, but like his feelings for her, he couldn't help but see her as anything less than arousing whenever he considered it, not to mention the distraction was completely welcome at that point in time. His mind wasn't letting him think straight, so he'd just soak himself up in this dream, lose himself, and easily forget that anything else but her existed like he'd wanted to do for so long now.
It felt so natural, no matter how improper he thought it was. He'd always wanted her, and he probably always would. With his face already so close, and without any reservations holding him back, he let his eyes close and pressed a kiss to her collar, then let his lips drift down, over her chest and against the swell of her breast. Her skin was as soft as it had been in every dream he'd had of her, and he felt completely comfortable where he lay, able to catch her scent with every breath he took.
As he ran his lips over her skin slowly, he felt her pushing her fingers through his hair at the nape of his neck again, sighing over it before he turned his head to kiss her on the opposite side, which allowed him to rest his cheek against the swells he'd been paying attention to. Somehow it felt like the more he touched her, the more it didn't seem like enough, and he drew his hand up and cupped her breast, pressing it up just a bit more, kissing her skin again.
She let a little sound out of her throat that he hadn't expected, but one that he couldn't have classified as anything short of beautiful, or arousing. It drew a little more heat through him than before, made his ardor harden a good bit, and he drew his hand back down her side and up again while taking in her shape quietly.
"Cullen?"
When Aislinn felt warmth at her chest, she opened her eyes slowly to realize she was receiving an affectionate kiss at her breast. Not only that, but he'd cupped it, squeezing, making her feel lightheaded with arousal. That's when she'd asked his name. It was then that, as he'd pressed her breast in his hand, the pink tip began to peek out of the fabric. Aislinn gasped in response and took his shoulders into her hands, getting his attention as she drew in her breath deeply.
He lifted his head when he heard her voice, looking up at her face, her silver eyes holding his disoriented gaze, and she realized he was still out of it, not that she'd expected him not to be. He must have thought he was dreaming, otherwise she knew he never would have done that, and she shifted until she was properly confined in her robes again.
Unexpected, he asked her the most humorous question as she did this, one that Aislinn found incredibly sweet at the same time. "I didn't...hurt you...did I?"
"No," she shook her head, "but you need to try to rest a little more." She briefly wondered when he'd ended up laying half over her anyway. He'd already awoken her on and off through the night with his twitching, shifting, and incoherent mumbling, so she knew he'd been having strange dreams to begin with - not uncommon in these situations. Sometimes she'd held him, and sometimes he'd taken her to do the same, so he must have done so again while she'd been asleep.
Cullen just stared at her in his confusion, reaching up to push his hand against her cheek, and Aislinn wanted to stay focused, but she closed her eyes and took another deep breath, then felt his thumb against her lips. That made her open her eyes again as a chill swept through her, looking at him to see that he was completely focused on what he was doing, or at least, vaguely so. She could only imagine that perhaps, if he thought this was a dream, it was distracting for him in a way.
"Your lips are...so soft."
She almost couldn't get herself to speak. Had he been in his right mind, she got the feeling he would've jumped back like a bolt of lightening had hit him to realize what he was doing now. A part of her didn't want to tell him either. She'd awoken in a state of ardor from the way he'd touched her and, given the amount of time it'd been since she'd had sex, if this were a normal situation, she wouldn't have stopped him at all.
But he wasn't completely well, and taking advantage of that was simply out of the question, so she kissed his thumb, then took his hand and said, "Cullen, you have to–," and was broken off when he leaned in and kissed her.
Aislinn closed her eyes, gently turning her head to the side to break the kiss, and when she did, he kissed her cheek, asking her against her ear, "Why have I always wanted you so badly? It makes me ache to think of."
Damn him! Aislinn was already hurting from frustration, so she didn't need to hear him saying something so erotic like that right against her ear. The thoughts it put in her head were driving her crazy.
"I...I hope it's because you love me," she mustered softly in reply, and then sat up. He moved back a bit to let her, and she was thankful for that. The last thing she'd thought of when she fell asleep was that she'd wake up to find him becoming more handsy than his normal reservations would have allowed him to, and she looked back at him to see a questioning look on his face, almost as if he were disappointed that she'd sat away from him.
Those puppy dog eyes were not helping her resolve. "Don't give me that look, Cullen."
"You don't...want me too?"
She let a sigh of breath, then pushed herself forward and rolled him onto his back by placing a hand on his shoulder. As soon as he was settled there, she draped an arm against his chest and looked down at him, saying, "Of course I do, but only when you're better rested. You look too tired for anything right now, love."
"I...am tired," he replied in agreement. "But...I can't rest. I keep thinking I need...something...and I need it badly. I keep thinking I should...be concerned..." He sighed after he said the words and lifted his hand up to push his fingers through her hair. "You make it stop a little."
That told Aislinn she'd been right. Kissing her was distracting him from his cravings for the Lyrium, at least enough for him to get by for the time being. She looked into his eyes, seeing the way they were slightly glazed over as if he might've had a fever in a sense, and she decided to lean down slowly and kiss him in order to try to distract him, parting her lips against his to roll her tongue out, finding his own after a moment. When she did, she slanted her mouth over his, using more skill than she previously had with him. She wanted the kiss to distract him completely after all, flicking her tongue against his teeth before slowly stroking it into his mouth.
It was satisfying to hear him groaning into the kiss after a moment, to feel him reacting by wrapping his arms around her to pull her in more tightly, but it didn't help her own state of arousal for certain. Her plan to give him something to sate him for at least a few minutes had backfired apparently.
Tugging her lips from his slowly with the thought, she attempted to back up when she found him leaning up to kiss her a second time, and she couldn't stop herself from giving into it. The way he'd leaned up so urgently drew heat through her body as it was flushed tight against his, and made her moan into his mouth, a sound he apparently took as a sign to keep going because he took her hips in his hands and pushed her to the side as if to roll her back over, turning his head against her throat.
Aislinn dug her nails into the back of his jerkin, trying to fight the urge to lean her head back, but thankfully, the movement he'd made gave her what she needed to snap out of it, and she took his shoulders into her hands, pushing him back and shaking her head, "Stop, Cullen."
They were both panting, and as Aislinn tried to get a hold of her roiling emotions, she saw him squeezing his eyes shut as if he were starting to realize more of what was going on. He shook his head and rolled back - thankfully - finally letting a little groan as the back of his head hit the pillows again, and he muttered, "It's...it's not time for...the Lyrium, is it?"
"No," she shook her head, sitting up, and she took his hand. "Cullen," she said gently, and when she had his attention, she asked, "How are you feeling?" Well, she knew one way he was feeling since she was still catching her breath from the activities, but aside from that was what she'd meant.
He didn't say anything at first, so Aislinn lifted a hand to his cheek, but he flinched and turned his head.
"Cullen?"
"I...I don't know," he replied finally, seeming to have no memory currently of what had just been going on. "I don't even know how I...I can't...focus. Everything's hazy." With a deep breath, he opened his eyes and looked at his hands, more lucid memory hitting him as he asked, "Did you untie me?"
He finally looked back at her and listened as she informed him, "Yes. You fell asleep, and I didn't want you to be uncomfortable, or wake up in a panic, not remembering what was going on. If you'd needed to be confined again, it could be arranged. Besides, you've been so out of it I didn't think it was necessary."
Slowly, he sat up, taking his time in doing so as she spoke, and Aislinn sat up with him. Finally, he nodded in understanding, saying, "Nothing...seems right."
"You're shaking again," Aislinn pointed out. The cravings for the Lyrium was probably resurfacing again.
"I know," he drew out, trying to breathe slowly and keep his composure. "I want to...tell you to leave...but at the same time...I don't want to let go...let go of you. I feel as if I'm about to fall a...apart, Aislinn."
The way he'd spoken nearly broke her heart. So she didn't ask when he said that, she just drew herself up and slipped back toward the pillows, then reached over for him. "Come here," he said softly, waiting for him to move. Once he had, she took his shoulders and pulled him down gently, allowing him to rest his head against her chest and shoulder. Cullen took a slow breath, and came to rest against her while she began stroking his hair again. Without hesitation, he drew his arms around her and shut his eyes tightly, holding onto her like an anchor in a storm.
Aislinn didn't let things be silent either. She knew he needed to hear something, anything at all, which he might be able to focus his mind on a little, and she asked him because of that, "Do you remember the song that Sister you mentioned used to hum to you?"
"I...did I mention her?" He couldn't remember.
"Yes, earlier you were humming. Did it go like this?" After she asked, she hummed what she'd heard, and though she missed a few notes, it was very similar and didn't take anything away from it. It was comforting to hear, the sound vibrating through her chest with her heartbeat, and Cullen felt soothed by it.
"Yes," he said softly, tightening his grip around her just a bit. "That's close."
She smiled, then continued to hum for a few minutes longer. She could tell they'd been asleep for a while because it was so dark outside, getting the sense that it was very early in the morning now. Thankfully, this would all be over very soon for him, not too long to go before she knew she could feel safe in giving him a dose of Lyrium which his body was desperately demanding now. It had been hard, but feeling him hugging her in this manner now told her how out of sorts he was, that he had gotten the kind of support he needed from her being there, and she finally felt good that she was able to offer him whatever he'd needed if she could provide it.
She pushed the thoughts of their teasing tumble out of her mind though. She didn't need to mention that, and was really just glad that nothing had attracted the attention of the Templars outside. That would have been awkward.
While she stroked her fingers through Cullen's hair and hummed the song, she had a thought to put to him, wondering if he had enough sense just then to answer. But he seemed fairly lucid at that moment, so she did.
"Did this song have a name?"
"I don't remember," he said right away, showing that his lack of memory over it wasn't because of a withdrawal. "I think she just...hummed it."
"We could name it," Aislinn suggested, her voice holding a hint of whimsy. "How about just Sister Justinia?"
For the first time since much earlier, Cullen found a small smile. The idle talk was helping him to relax, though he still felt that need gnawing at him still. So he told her, "Aislinn, I can't stop...thinking about..."
"Lyrium," she finished when he trailed. She drew her hands up and down his back, saying, "Think of something nice. Something that comforts you."
"Talk of Sister Justinia does, but it's not working right now." He let a little groan, tensing, and Aislinn could feel it, hugging him tightly as she heard him saying on a somewhat anguished tone of voice, "I never knew the extent of this...addiction...how bad it could be. I'd heard things, I knew what would happen, but I'd no idea it would feel this way."
His words had been spoken with some anger, especially when he said, "It nearly makes me wish I was back in the Circle, dealing with that evil again, instead of feeling powerless against...my own need for more."
Aislinn didn't attempt to tell him anything, because he was getting angry and would probably only snap at her. Instead, she let him continue on, quietly listening as he spoke, "It's not right, and I didn't even see it. There are...other ways. You said that, didn't you?"
"Yes," she replied. "There's a safer way to continue taking the Lyrium, one that doesn't make you addicted to it."
"Why doesn't...," he trailed, and stopped himself short. "Now I know why so many Templars went renegade."
Aislinn frowned, wanted to tell him how sorry she was, but instead, she informed him of something else after a moment of thought about it. "It hurts me too, seeing you like this, because I know you're capable and strong, and witnessing how such a small vial of some dust can cause you so much pain and frustration makes me agree with you completely on that."
He trembled, shuddering against her while fighting those urges and focusing on her voice, and it helped a little more for him to get by all of this. "If you weren't here right now, I'm not sure what I'd do."
"Oh, I think you'd make it," Aislinn told him encouragingly. "Perhaps the path taken would be harder for you, but I know you'd be strong enough to handle it. Besides, I am here, so you don't need to worry about that."
Her faith in him did make him feel better just then, and he realized he'd needed the encouragement. He needed her, too. He would never forget this, as long as he lived, he swore it. When he was off of the dust finally, he would never go back to it, and he would never forget how she'd helped him now. Those were the things he focused on to take his mind off of how shaky he'd gotten, hugging her as if he might've been trying to cling to life itself.
"Cullen?," she asked after they'd been quiet for several minutes as he felt he endlessly struggled against his addiction.
"W-what?"
"I think you'll be needing a dose of Lyrium now. The sun's almost up."
He opened his eyes and looked at the window when she said that, seeing that the sky was much lighter than it had been, just not light enough to really make a difference in the room with the fire that had been going. With a sigh of breath, he felt relief wash over him even through the need clawing at his insides, knowing this was all about to end very soon. But a second feeling hit him, and he found himself saying, "After all of this, I don't even think I want it."
"You'd be surprised how many have said that," she replied, then patted his back. "Let me get up so I can go fetch it for you. It won't take long."
Cullen raised up slowly, allowing her to go though he had to work to get his arms from around her because he'd been holding onto her so tightly, and he settled back, watching her head to the door. She was right about being right back as well, but to him, it took forever sitting there without her, waiting for the dose of the dust he was about to get, his mind wandering once again and making it all seem like he had to wait for another day before she returned, which told him that, had she not been with him, it would've seemed like ten years had passed from the day before to now.
But in actuality, it took her all of three minutes, and she came walking back into the room with a vial that was filled only to three fourths of what it normally would have been, holding it out to him as she walked over.
From there, she turned and grabbed the pitcher of water at the table across from the bed, pouring some into two cups, and Cullen reluctantly took the Lyrium she'd given him, almost feeling as if he'd undo everything that had been done the previous day with the action. Still, he took it, then tossed the vial away carelessly because he wasn't completely happy in that moment.
Once he had, he saw her turning around to see that he'd tossed the vial, which had clattered against the dresser and hit the floor before rolling under it. She understood the action, but decided not to mention it while she walked over to him with the cups in her hands. "Here, drink a little water. You didn't have anything to eat or drink at all yesterday."
Oddly enough, when she mentioned food, his stomach rumbled. But he reached out, taking the wooden cup, and lifted it to his mouth, realizing he was actually parched to the point that he wanted another, which she'd apparently considered in the meantime because she'd brought him two. It was simply insane, he realized, that the need he'd felt for the Lyrium had overwritten nearly everything else to the point that he didn't even care if he ate or drank. He just wanted the dust and that was all that had mattered to him.
Such a thing could kill a man.
"The good thing about it is that the next treatment won't be so harsh on you" Aislinn told him as he drank the second cup of water and had his thoughts over everything. "You'll feel a little out of sorts, but most of the men seemed to be able to handle it much easier after their first time."
He started nodding because his mouth was full of water, giving her the cup back which she turned to take over to the table. Already, his head was clearing of the fog that had overcome it, his body feeling much less shaky, and all he felt he could do in that moment was try to be quiet to let it all settle in.
Aislinn watched him with a smile forming on her face, knowing he was starting to feel much better now. She walked over to the bed and knelt just a bit, asking him, "Better now? Just tired?"
He nodded silently, still coming to realize just how badly he'd felt in that moment. But when he did, Aislinn nodded and stood up to turned and go back to the table. As she did so, she said, "I'll take the pitcher to have it refilled. You might want to spend a little while in–," and she stopped when he suddenly took her wrist, then looked back down at him.
He didn't say anything, just drew her over to him until she was sitting on the bed, and before she could ask him anything, he put both hands on her cheeks and leaned in, kissing her meaningfully. Aislinn reacted by taking his shoulders into her hands and returning the kiss until she felt him moving to put his arms around her, even felt him slanting his mouth against hers slowly, and she leaned on him without even meaning to.
Considering what they'd done when she woke up, this was just killing her. She wanted him so badly she couldn't stand it, and she had the feeling it was going to end up making her completely daft.
But Cullen couldn't help it. After everything that had happened, he just wanted to kiss her, almost felt as if he had to. So he did nothing less, kissing her the way they'd shared their kisses a few nights ago, slow brushes that were both deep and meaningful, filled with how much caring he had for her, and the kiss ended after several blissful moments. That was when he heard Aislinn whispering out, "Oh my," softly. "What...what was that for?"
He didn't respond, just laid back slowly, still holding her with his forehead against hers, his hand buried in her hair, cradling the back of her head. Finally, he replied by saying, "I love you, but saying it wasn't enough. I...needed...to show you."
Aislinn opened her eyes and looked at him, seeing how weary he looked, and she whispered back, "I love you, too. But I'm worried about you, Cullen, you need more rest. I mean it."
He nodded, taking a deep breath, then finally looked back at her. "I will. I know it's not right, but...I want you to stay with me. I'm not asking you to, I just wanted to say it."
Aislinn understood that completely. "I don't want to leave. But I have to soon." She smiled a little after saying that and added, "We don't need scandalous talk filling these hallways after all."
"I know," he replied, even if he knew they'd be doing nothing more than resting together.
"I will stay for a short while though," she said, "to make sure you're feeling better. At least until you fall back to sleep. I did the same for everyone else, made sure they were recuperated before I left them."
Cullen watched her quietly, allowing her to lift her head and move over him so she could lay back down next to him again. With the relief he felt flooding him, he knew getting to sleep wasn't going to be hard at all. He felt fine now, normal, just tired, and he despite the fact that taking the lesser dose of Lyrium had made him feel as if he'd undone the entire day, he still felt a sense of accomplishment that he was doing things right.
He looked over at Aislinn after he had the thoughts as she rested herself just across from him, wondering to himself before he closed his eyes just how much he might've loved her. It didn't hurt like it had before either. What made the difference was that he had her here and now, could put his arm around her if he wanted to, could feel her next to him, and it was comforting and better than he'd imagined it to be. When he got the chance, he was going to find a way to make her as happy as she'd ever been before. He vowed he would. The only question was how would he do it?
Maybe he could ask Melrath about that flower she'd told him she liked. What was it called again, Winter's Bloom? If anyone would know more, he would. Cullen fell into a deep, and thankfully dreamless sleep while trying to consider it.