Chapter twenty three: Distraction

JPOV

June 22, Friday

When we got home Leah asked if I would be okay and then left to be with her family. I promised to call her if I needed anything. First I had to call someone else, to tell her my news.

"Hey Jake, back from Chicago?" she asked cheerfully. I thought about not letting her know, she was a part of my world that was not yet grey, I wanted it to stay that way. I longed to see her smiling face.

"Hey Nessie. I'm back yeah. When do you get off work?"

"Um… I'm not at work today."

"Oh. Are you sick?"

"Not exactly no." She laughed, as if I made a joke without knowing. The sound made me a little bit more alive.

"So you are at home now?"

"Yes. Are you okay? You sound weird."

"Can you come over?" I didn't want to be alone and I didn't want to drive either.

"Sure, I'm on my way."

When she arrived I had cleaned myself up a bit. I decided not to tell her right away. If I would, there would be no more chance to see her smile and hear her laugh, like she had on the phone. She was in a happy mood, and I would drink from that like a parasite.

And then kill it.

"So tell me what made you so happy today," I asked. I hit the jackpot. She smiled ever so sweetly and started blushing furiously. Beautiful.

"Um… I had company." Oh, it's a sex glow. Beautiful nevertheless.

"Last night?"

"And this morning."

I think I knew who she meant, because she had slept with boys before, but never looked like this. "Anyone I know?"

"Alright. You're on to me. It was Jasper."

Thought so. "And Alice?"

Her smile faded instantly.

Damn, killed it already. Couldn't I just be happy for her? And maybe not judge her? I know how long she had wanted this, and how many times she had controlled herself.

"I'm sorry. You look like it was an amazing night."

"It was." She sighed dreamily. "And you know, the sex wasn't even the best part. The best part was that he held me all night. I never knew how much I needed that."

"But he can't be with you every night."

I didn't know she was so lonely. But of course she had to be. Josh was her one and only boyfriend. She had slept with boys the last five years, but hadn't cared about anyone enough to let him hold her. Maybe I should be thankful to Jasper, even if what he did was wrong.

"No. But he said he would be back. Probably not tonight. It's weird. It's just been one night, but I am really reluctant to go to bed alone today."

I wanted to ask her to stay with me. I didn't want to be alone either, and I couldn't ask Leah because she was home again, finally reunited with Alec and Dean. But I wouldn't ask Ness.

She loved me, and I would be using her. That is what she had done to me five years ago. It had hurt me. When she stopped needing me and went back home, she had broken my heart. She didn't know I loved her then, but I know she loves me now. I won't use her.

"I have something to tell you Ness, but I'm not ready. Do you want to watch a movie with me?"

My favorite passed time with her was, and always had been, watching her get caught up in something. That's what I needed now. To get caught up in her.

Before she could answer her phone rang, and I couldn't help but overhearing her side of the conversation.

"Hello Jazz."

"I'm fine yes. How could I not be?" she smiled in her phone. I was glad he cared enough to check up on her. She wasn't a booty call to him, I knew that.

"I'm with Jake now, I think I'm staying here this evening" she looked at me questioningly and I nodded, thankful.

"I don't know what me and Tina have planned this weekend. But maybe we shouldn't come over."

"Alright. I miss you too."

"Bye Jazz."

She sounded crazy in love. And she would get hurt. For sure.

Because he would not leave Alice. And even if he did, then she would be hurt for breaking up the family and stealing her friends boyfriend.

But it was too late to save her heart. She loved him already, she was in this illusion already.

I would let her have it. And I would make sure she knew where to find me if, or when, the bubble burst. Maybe it would fade out like me and Leah had. She had craved Jasper for years now, but I had loved Leah for years too, almost fifteen years, and now it had simply faded out, without much hurt. From my part at least.

See, it was working already. I was already caught up in her, forgetting my own pain. Leah had done miracles for me, done all she could, but she couldn't heal me like Nessie does.

We watched the movie. Correction, she watched the movie. I watched her.

She was so intense, so expressive, so beautiful. I was more and more thinking about asking her to stay. Using her didn't seem so bad anymore now. I needed her, needed the company, isn't that what friends do for each other? She wanted to be my friend.

It's not like I will sleep with her. I just want to hold her.

As I pulled her closer a little bit, she leaned her head against me, closing her eyes. She enjoyed my company as well. I was indecisive.

Anyhow, I had to tell her soon, and we would see from there.

She knew something was up, she looked into my eyes and saw pain, she never asked about the baby, she never asked where Eve was. It was past seven now.

I reluctantly got up and took out the printed picture of the echo. I wanted to show it to her. I hadn't looked at it since Monday when I left. And apparently Eve hadn't taken it to her mother's house.

Ness took the picture and studied it. Her face lit up completely as she recognized the head and the arms with the tiny hands.

"That amazing, Jake. Boy or girl?"

"It was a girl."

"A girl!!!! Wait. What do you mean, was a girl?" her eyes grew, and she lowered the picture to look at me.

"There was no heartbeat."

"What? What does that mean? Is she…?"

"Yes. We lost her..." My voice broke at the last word.

She wanted to embrace me, but I held her at a distance, I would let her hold me later, but I needed to say everything now. I took a deep breath to repress my tears, and told her about the echo, the birth, how we both had reacted, about how Leah had taken care of me in Chicago, and that Eve was with her mother.

Both our cheeks were stained with tears, but I managed to keep enough control to finish my story.

"Is there anything I can do for you Jake, anything?"

"I don't know. I just wanted to see your smile when I called you."

"That's kinda hard now."

"I know. I just really don't feel like crying another night. Can we maybe watch another movie? You distract me when you're captivated like that."

"Alright. I'll pick a nice movie to captivate me. How about Titanic?" she picked one of my favorites. I was thankful that she didn't try to get me to cry in her arms. I nodded and tried to smile at her.

"Aren't you hungry?"

"Yeah, maybe a little bit." Hungry seemed like something surreal. But now she mentioned it, I noticed I was.

"I'll make you a dinner. I can get captivated while cooking as well. Come on, let's see what you got left to work with."

She understood what I wanted from her. That she be herself, no pity, no drama, just Nessie.

My best friend.

She experimented in the kitchen, mixing leftover ingredients, until something good appeared. I didn't eat much, but it was welcome anyway. Every now and then I saw her look up from what she was doing, to check up on me. She looked at me with love and compassion. And when I gave a small reassuring smile, she carried on.

We started the movie, she lay curled up against my chest. By the time it was finished, it was past one.

I didn't ask her to stay over. But eventually she fell asleep in my arms in the couch and I didn't ask her to leave either.

I restarted the movie and listening to the voices I played with her blond hair.

Soon enough, I fell asleep as well.

AN: So she's his sunshine now...