AUTHOR'S NOTE:
I am still and again absolutely amazed with and incredibly grateful for all those reviews and kind words you're leaving!
As a thank you, here is the speedy update I promised you. :-)
Let me know what you think!
The sound of water splashing onto the porcelain surface echoed through the closed door. She knocked, not really expecting an answer.
"Holly?" Another knock, still no answer. She opened the door slowly and entered the bathroom, sitting down on the closed toilet and staring at the shower curtain behind which Holly was hiding.
"Holly, I can't come into the shower, I can't get the bandages wet. So, would you please come out? Please, Holly. We need to talk about this." She spoke quietly, pain and helplessness evident in her voice, but still loud enough so she knew Holly would hear her even through the running water. There was no reaction for a long while and Gail was about to speak again when she heard the squeaking sound of the tap being turned off. The shower curtain didn't move though and she couldn't detect any movement behind it either. She waited a few moments until she approached the bathtub and pulled the curtain open.
Holly was sitting in the tub, hugging her knees close to her chest. Gail sat down on the opposite side of the porcelain wall, facing the brunette.
"Hey. Thank you." She cupped her cheek with her hand, brushing her thumb across the soft skin and seeking out Holly's gaze which she only caught briefly, before the brunette looked away again. Not getting any reaction out of Holly, and not exactly sure what to say next, she climbed into the tub, all dressed, and sat across from Holly, her legs framing the other woman so she could sit as close to her as possible. Both her hands came up to Holly's cheeks, tracing the contours of her cheekbones, her jaw, her neck, her shoulders, until they came to rest on the brunettes forearms, tracing soothing patterns on the damp skin with her fingertips.
They sat like this for several minutes, Holly finally looking up and holding Gail's gaze for a few moments before she let her eyes roam across Gail's face, taking in her features in every detail, and then found those blue eyes again. The blonde opened her mouth several times in an effort to start the conversation, but the other woman shook her head no each time, silently begging her not to speak. So she didn't. She stayed there, sitting in silence, watching the woman across from her. Her look was pained, apologetic, full of sorrow and question, and Holly couldn't take it any longer. She moved to sit in Gail's lap, her legs wrapped around the blonde's hips while her strong arms pulled the blonde into a tight hold. Again, they sat in silence, focusing on the other's breathing, on the feel of the damp skin, the smell of disinfectant and coconut oil.
It was hardly noticeable at first when Holly's hips started rocking against the blonde's, but soon her movements became more distinct, leaving Gail uncertain as to how to react. She certainly wasn't in the mood for sex when there were obviously things they needed to talk about, when there was so obviously a dark cloud hanging above their heads.
She briefly huffed at herself silently. This must have been the very first time in history that she wanted to talk instead of heaving sex.
"Gail, please." Holly desperately begging an unresponsive Gail was all it took for the blonde to cave, though. Her injured arm held on to the brunettes back while her other hand came down to dip into Holly's wet core. There was no doubt about what Holly wanted. And Gail would give it to her, whether she enjoyed it or not. She went straight for her entrance, pushing into the brunette with two fingers. Holly groaned as she entered her. It was a feral sound, coming from deep within, Holly's soul laid bare. She held on close to Gail as she rode her, ground down on Gail's fingers rampantly in an effort to bury them deeper inside her still. And the blonde followed suit, thrusting into her fiercely, the way she knew Holly wanted it, needed it. Her wife's groans and the hot ragged breaths on her neck intensified as she fucked her. She wants to say made love to her, because really, she did. She poured all of her love for Holly into this, into satisfying her intense need for release, her desperate attempt to feel something other than fear and anger. So Gail made love to her while she fucked her until Holly reached her breaking point and her walls clenched around Gail's fingers as she came.
She stayed there, in Gail's lap, unmoving, for a long while, the blonde's fingers still buried inside her as she kept her centre firmly pressed into Gail's. Without notice, she placed a brief kiss on the crook of Gail's neck and pushed herself up, letting go of Gail's fingers before she stepped out of the bathtub. Gail was dumbfounded for a moment, expecting the brunette to just walk away. She stopped in her tracks, however, extending her hand behind her without looking at Gail, but still indicating she come with her. She led her to their bedroom and got into bed, naked, moving to lay down on Gail's side of the bed. And the blonde didn't need words to understand. She quickly swallowed a painkiller, slipped off her wet clothes and followed Holly, who huddled her body against the blonde's while she lifted her head so Gail could thread her uninjured arm underneath her. The bandaged arm came to rest on Holly's stomach as she held her as close as she could, making the brunette feel every centimetre of her skin, her warmth.
Darkness enveloped them as they laid in silence, both knowing that the other person was still awake.
"I do, Holly. I do get it. I mean, you're not wrong. The idea that I might be the best part of someone's life still seems a little strange to me. But I'm catching on to it, you know?" Holly threaded her fingers through Gail's. "I'm sorry that today scared you." She whispered into the back of Holly's neck and the brunette nodded in response. Or she shook her head. Maybe both. Maybe she didn't know herself.
"I just… I just got you back." Holly sniffed and it broke Gail's heart. Hearing Holly, who had always remained hopeful and positive throughout all these past months, who always managed to put a light spin on a tough situation, who seemed unbreakable to her, suddenly sound this small, this helpless. She couldn't keep her own voice from breaking.
"I know. I know. But… I am here. Okay? I'm here. I'm here and I'm fine and I'm doing my very best every day to make sure it stays that way. Okay?"
"Okay." The confirmation was barely audible but it was there. And there was nothing left to be said. For now. Gail pulled the woman in her arms impossibly closer and as silent tears fell from their eyes they slowly drifted off to sleep.
…
She found her sitting on the sofa, her legs crossed, flipping through one of Holly's science magazines. At the sound of footsteps, she looked up and smiled at the tousled brunette. "Good morning. How are you feeling?"
She cocked her head in remorse. "How am I…? I should be asking you that."
"Meh. It hurts. I need to eat something so that I can take a painkiller." Gail shrugged it off as if it weren't a big deal, but Holly could see she was in pain.
"Gail, I'm sorry! You should have just had breakfast without me. Or you should have woken me up, rather." She just now registered the bowls on the coffee table and sat down next to Gail, patting her thigh.
"It's ok. It's… still bearable. And you looked too cute to wake up." She smiled at Holly endearingly and pressed a quick kiss to her lips before she handed her one of the bowls and held out another bowl with yoghurt.
"Cereal? Look at you, making breakfast like an actual grownup." Holly chuckled and raised her eyebrows while the blonde just shrugged again lightly.
"It was the only thing I could think of that wouldn't get cold until you woke up and that would be ready to eat the moment you would."
They ate breakfast mostly in silence, the conversation to be had still looming ahead. When they had both set down their empty bowls there was that moment. That moment where the silence was threatening to become uncomfortable and Holly knew it was her turn to fill it.
"I'm sorry, about last night." She sighed and rested her hand on Gail's thigh again, squeezing it lightly. The blonde was quick to take take it into her own, drawing soothing pattern on its back. "I know. And you don't need to be. I do get it. Really."
She slumped back into the sofa, letting her head fall back and staring up at the ceiling. After a deep breath, she started explaining.
"I was leaving my office to pick you up, and I just couldn't cross the doorsill. I just, I couldn't. It was like there was this invisible wall. I just couldn't go there and face you. I couldn't go there and face you if things had been… like last time. And I know that that's stupid. I know there was no reason whatsoever to suspect any of the sort. The nurse had told me it was nothing serious. Or at least I think she did. I didn't really listen very well to what she said. But anyway, there was this image constantly popping up in my head, of you, of last time. And if things had been like that, like last time, I just… I just didn't want to know. I just wanted to stay in this place, where I didn't have to know that. Kind of like… Schroedinger's Gail, you know? As long as I don't open that door, everything might be just fine." She chanced a look at Gail who had already been waiting for the brunette to meet her gaze.
"Well, everything is just fine." The brunette nodded, but Gail had a feeling that she wasn't really listening, that she was still lost in her own thoughts.
"I don't know. The last time you were in the hospital, my whole life fell apart. I lost… everything. I just don't know how to do that again." She covered her face with her hands while hot tears escaped her eyes, but Gail was quick to pull her up to face her and she kissed her patiently as she wiped the tears from Holly's face.
"Shh. I'm sorry. It's fine. Everything's fine, Holly. I'm so sorry." Still holding Holly's face in her hands, her thumbs gently caressing her skin, she rested their foreheads together.
"I know. I know." The brunette nodded, trying to convince herself that it was. And it seemed to work after a while, when she sought out the other woman's soft lips with her own.
"Okay, I really have to take one of those pills now. Sorry." Holly nodded and she pressed another quick kiss to the brunette's lips before she got up to get a glass of water and take one of the long needed painkillers.
…
"Holly, can you do me a favour? I want you to take a video. Of me. The front camera doesn't make me look very flattering. Also, I want you to hear this." Knowing how drowsy the pills would be making her, she went back upstairs to the bedroom to lie down. Holly had joined her, but got back up once the blonde had fallen asleep and took care of the dishes, did some tidying, even cleaned the windows. Anything to distract her. Her rational self kept telling her that all of this was stupid and unnecessary and unfounded. She didn't have exact numbers, sure, but she knew the likelihood of history repeating itself was, in this case, not only virtually, but quite literally, zero. But still, there was this image of Gail, and the memory of her rejection, and those moments realising she had lost her, that she just couldn't shake.
"Hear what?" She closed the dishwasher, putting away the last of the dishes.
"Just… Point the camera at me, ok?" Gail shoved the iPad into her hand and led her to back to the living room, sitting herself down in the armchair while she ordered Holly to sit on the coffee table and start recording.
I lost everything. Everything. Holly's words kept echoing in her head from the moment they fell from her lips. And they hit her with full force. She knew that there was nothing she could say or do that would make that kind of pain go away. And she knew that she had to say and do absolutely everything in her power to chip it off, layer by layer. But the right words didn't come easy, so she tried holding her, for a start. She held her close, tried to make her feel it, to make her feel that Gail was there, make her feel her love. She held her until the pain, the physical pain, not the emotional one, became too much to bear.
She waved at the camera awkwardly.
"Hi Gail, this is, well, you. And this here is Holly," – she moved Holly's hands to turn the camera lens towards her for a moment before she went back to her original position – "whom I hereby order to play this video to me, or, well, you, if the occasion should present itself.
So. Where to start? It's September 2018. Last year, in November, you've had an accident at work, resulting in partial amnesia. Basically, when you woke up, it was as if the last five years had never happened. Uhm, when I woke up, I mean. Jeez. This is fucking weird. But just bear with me." Holly chuckled and Gail was briefly distracted by the brunette. She shook her head and focused back on the camera.
"Anyway. The truth is, there is still very little I remember from that time. And by now I'm not so sure I ever will. But who knows. The thing is, waking up with amnesia is the weirdest fucking feeling in the world. You suddenly lose your grip on reality somehow. It throws you completely off track and you have no idea what's what all of a sudden." Holly knew that that was how the blonde felt. They had talked about it a lot, but Gail had always been much more vague. And while she assumed that this must have been how her wife felt, hearing her say it out loud, with such clarity nonetheless, made it a little harder for Holly to breathe.
"It's horrifying, really. But there are a few things that, had I known them from the get-go, would have made everything a little less horrifying, I'm sure.
So, in the very unlikely case that you should find yourself in the same situation again at some point in the future, I want to give you some advice.
You will wake up, and one of the first people you'll see will probably, hopefully, be this person." Again, she briefly turned the camera. "Holly Stewart. Dr. Holly Stewart. Actually, Dr. Holly Stewart Peck. Holly is your wife, but don't let that word scare you.
If you're lucky, you know exactly who she is and everything is fine. Because all the rest, you can just figure out with her. If you're really unlucky, though, as I have been, you have no clue and that's kind of where it all goes to shit."
She pauses for a moment to regard Holly intently, hoping she understands. Hoping she manages to abstract from the absurd idea of Gail leaving a message for her future amnesiac self and just hears her.
"So. You'll wake up and you'll see her, and you'll think she's beautiful and a little touchy. She's allowed to be touchy, but you don't know that of course, so you'll find her very weird. But then again, you've always liked weird. Then, somehow, by someone, you'll be told that she's your wife and you'll think it's a joke, so you'll just ignore it.
If you're really unlucky, you'll ask to see Nick. Let me save you the trouble. It's not worth it. He'll show up and all you will think about is how he shouldn't be there. Also, you really don't want to do that to Holly.
Back to her, by the way. So when you've accepted the fact that whoever told you she was your wife was apparently correct, you will probably be your usual bitch and push her away. But Holly isn't so easily discouraged. She'll stick around, she'll come back. As much as you let her, anyway. You will realise quickly that you really like her, that you feel completely at ease when you're with her, that she's funny, that she knows how to handle you, that you miss her when she's not around. And then you will realise that you find her really attractive, that you are, in fact, attracted to her, that you think about what it would be like to touch her and to kiss her, that you try to remember the smell of her hair when you're laying in bed at night, trying to fall asleep.
So, naturally, you'll push her away some more. And then you'll reel her back in. And then you'll push her away again, or keep her at a distance. And you'll be an ass and you'll be acting cool and casual and you'll pretend that there's nothing more than friendly feelings between the two of you. Because, of course, you're scared. You're scared because you have no idea how to deal with all those feelings that are rather unfamiliar to you. And you'll tell yourself that you only have those feelings because you think they're expected of you, because you have been confronted with this back story. Because everyone is rooting for the two of you. You will start to question whether you can actually tell what is real anymore."
She pauses again, taking a deep breath, before she puts into words what has always been the most scary part, the hardest part of it all.
"Mostly, of course, you will just feel inadequate. You will see this wonderful person and think you'll never be able to live up to her. You'll never be what she deserves. You'll never be worthy of her and of being loved the way she loves you.
Let me tell you, that's all bullshit. I mean yeah, she seems far too good for you, but somehow, you are everything she wants. And somehow, with her, you are good too, and worthy, and deserving. And yeah, feelings are scary, but with Holly, you can do anything.
Now, through all of this, all of your back and forth, Holly will be there for you. Because that's the kind of person she is. Because that's how much she loves you. She will be patient and she will be supportive and she will indulge you and she'll always have a warm smile for you that makes everything better, all the time. And she'll make it look easy. So easy. But all that doesn't mean that she isn't hurting too. This doesn't come easy to her, either. This whole situation has screwed her over just as much as it has you. So maybe you could try and keep the back and forth to a minimum. Don't let her hurt this much."
Her eyes filled with tears and she knitted her eyebrows together as the realisation sank in.
"Because eventually, this will be the most painful part of it all. Realising how much she has been hurting during all of this."
She wiped the tears from her face and sought out Holly's eyes and finding exactly what she was looking for. Recognition.
"Now that thing about not knowing what's real, feeling completely lost in the absence of memories, that's actually one of the more difficult problems. Because it is a very basic problem of your everyday life, not just related to Holly. And there is only one solution to it. You have to realise that the past isn't what matters the most, that the lost memories don't matter. That you don't need to get them back in order to be a real version of yourself. You need to let go of the past. Now, to be completely honest, I haven't mastered that part yet. Not in the great scheme of things. But I have mastered it with Holly, for the most part. And really, that is the key, that's the answer to everything. You let go of the past and you focus on what you feel right now. And you'll feel drawn to Holly. You'll feel like you're falling in love with her. You'll feel like everything is falling into place when you're with her. Why? Because you are. Because it is. For no other reason."
She watched as a few tears escaped Holly's eyes and felt a watery sting in her own once again. She shook it off, finishing her message.
"I'm pretty sure you are rather shocked and have made puking noises at yourself several times now because it seems like you have turned into a disgusting, hopeless romantic who has all those feelings and says all those cheesy things. Well, I can't really help you there. Suck it up.
So, to sum up. This right here is the coolest chick in the universe." Once again, panning to Holly. "She loves you for exactly who you are. And you love her for exactly who she is. And that is pretty much all that matters.
Don't fuck this up."
She nods emphatically, staring into the camera. Then, just as she's about to take the iPad from Holly's hands and turn it off, she remembers one last thing, her tone considerably lighter now.
"Oh, and, apparently, you and your mother get along now. But that is a whole other story. One that Holly can tell you with all its gory details."
She signalled Holly to turn the camera off and as soon as it was out of her hand, the brunette was straddling her and regarded her with nothing but love.
"I know that I can't completely take away your fears and your worries, I know that I can't turn back time and undo that clusterfuck of a situation that turned your whole life upside down. But I will try my best. And maybe having this helps at least a little." She tilted her head and shrugged shyly.
"Thank you." Holly moved in to kiss her slowly, their lips moving against each other softly and purposefully. And Gail knew that she had understood.