AN: I'm so glad someone finally got the reference in these shitty chapter titles oh my goawd
also i have plans to rewrite this story as a humanverse au and post it to AO3, I'll leave my new penname when i finish this motherfricker
Chapter Twenty-Five
Germany suddenly looked up from his desk and looked from Italy to Japan as a thought occurred to him. "Did my brother call the house at any point during the week?" They both shook their heads.
"Was he supposed to?" Japan inquired timidly, setting down his reading.
"Yes, I told him to call me as soon as he got home, he's in this complicated situation and I'm apparently his babysitter, I just wanted him to call me if there was any major change so I knew where the war was coming from."
"Yikes, Miss Hungary, still?" Italy asked, then suddenly inhaled sharply and looked around as if he had realized too late that he'd let something slip.
"Huh?" Germany asked, narrowing his eyes at him. Did he know something? He had to be very careful what information he revealed in response; the situation was still rather sensitive.
"Oh! Nothing, I just assumed…" Italy trailed off, looking pensive. Okay, he definitely knows something.
"Italy." Germany spoke gently, yet firmly, trying to keep his hands from shaking. He'd abruptly realized that the only time Prussia and Italy could have possibly been alone together, and consequently the only time something about Hungary that Germany hadn't heard before might have come up, was when he took the second Allied call in his office the day before Prussia left, which was the same day and within a few hours of the conversation they'd had earlier. He could infer easily that Prussia had said, intentionally or accidentally, something about his feelings for Hungary. Which meant, by further speculation, that he might have also, intentionally or unintentionally, said something about the other person they'd been talking about. That is, Italy himself. "What did he say to you?"
"N-nothing, I don't know what you mean!" Italy was blushing. It was unmistakeable. And also quite adorable. But he had to stay focused.
"Italy, he's always saying stuff, he doesn't mean anything by it, it's easier if you just tell me."
"Oh. Well…" Italy was definitely avoiding eye contact now. Whatever Prussia had let slip, it was serious. "He didn't actually say it to me. But it's not like I was eavesdropping or anything, I was just, um, well, it was, uh," he started stammering. What the fuck did he say to him? "It wasn't something he said, it was more something he… He wrote." Shit. What'd he do this time?
"Something he wrote? Did he write it to you specifically, or was it—" He hardly dared to finish the thought. "—Was it a diary?"
"It might have been." Italy said, just above a whisper.
"Italy." He forced himself to keep his voice even, although inside he was panicking. "Did you see something you shouldn't have seen? You're not in trouble," he added, "I just need to know."
"Nothing, it—it fell open on the floor, and I picked it up to give it back to him, and I just happened to glance at the page, while I was picking it up, maybe. I totally didn't mean to, it just kind of happened." Add a few 'Awesome's and that last sentence could be my brother's motto. "Anyway, it wasn't anything really bad, it was just kind of, um…" Italy paused, discomforted. "I don't want to out him on anything, the diary was in German and I can't read it that well even though I pretty much understand what I hear and I mean I barely saw anything at all but I know what it said because I could read the names and there was something in there about Hungary and I saw a few other words and they were really strange to me because I've never really seen either of them that way so I thought it was kind of disturbing I guess but yeah that was really it I mean there wasn't anything bad it was just kind of weird, yeah that's it, that's all it was." Germany had to think for a second to fully register the intended meaning of one of the longest sentences he'd heard all day.
"But what did you actually see?"
"Nothing! Just a page, it was nothing! He was writing, and he dropped his diary, and I picked it up for him and I almost dropped it but I didn't, I just handed it back and didn't say anything. It was about Hungary, that's all I know for sure." Okay. That's not too bad. Hopefully it wasn't anything obscene, but that's a separate issue.
"Oh. Okay. I see. Nevermind then. Should I call him? I'm not sure what's going on at his house right now."
"If you want to." Italy shrugged.
"I'm going to call him. It's not like him not to let me know what's happening." He sighed and walked over to the telephone, then sat down to dial, setting the phone so that Gilbert's voice would come through clearly to the room.
Now, knowing the kind of week Gilbert had just had, it seemed perfectly understandable how he forgot to check in with his brother when he got home. But Ludwig did not know any of that, and had in fact been quite busy with some other affairs, and neither of them realized that Gilbert had forgotten to make the call until several days later. This struck Ludwig as rather odd when he realized it, and he was actually quite worried. Gilbert may have been impulsive and difficult to predict or control, but he wasn't flaky. And it's not like he had that much going on these days, right? If he made an arrangement, he either kept it or cancelled properly, and if he promised to call someone he usually would. Even if it was just to say 'no, he didn't want to see them again', which was occasionally appreciated.
Of course, this much drama can throw even an experienced actor's life into chaos. A few things were bound to slip through the cracks.
Still, Ludwig didn't know any of that, and he was stressed enough without worrying about his big brother's safety. So he thought it would be best to just get this out of the way and make sure everything was fine, or find out if something was wrong. It took seven rings for Gilbert to answer.
"Hello," he said flatly. "Please state your name and your business."
"Guten tag, you know who it is, and where the hell have you been all week?" Ludwig began, but he was cut off.
"Shut the fuck up, I'm at my house, you ass, that's where you've called me from a dozen times a day for a week and for the hundredth time, I DID NOT ENTER INTO ANY VERBAL CONTRACT WITH YOU, NOR DID I ENTER ANYTHING ELSE, I LEFT BECAUSE OF REASONS WHICH ARE DECIDEDLY NO BUSINESS OF YOURS AND HOW YOU DIDN'T NOTICE YOUR HOUSE HAD BEEN EMPTY UNTIL SEVEN HOURS AFTER I LEFT IS BEYOND MY COMPREHENSION, I DECIDED I DIDN'T WANT YOUR EXPIRED TEA PACKETS, WE ARE NOT IN LOVE OR EVEN ON AN ENEMIES-WITH-BENEFITS BASIS AT THIS TIME AND FOR THE LAST TIME I DID NOT KIDNAP OR SLEEP WITH YOUR WIFE!" Everyone stared at each other, then back at the phone, waiting for Gilbert to elaborate further.
"What the fuck are you talking about?! It's Ludwig! What the hell is going on over there?!"
"Oh mein Gott, West! Shit, I'm so sorry!" Gilbert sounded mortified, and in the background a woman's voice could be heard admonishing him. "I heard German and angry and I just assumed you were Roderich, I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to say any of that to you, or for you to hear any of that even, that was totally an accident! Please just forget I said any of that stuff. I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, shut up, Liz, it was an honest mistake for fuck's sake! Will you let it go?"
"Liz? Liz is there with you? What's going on? You never called me."
"I never what? Oh! Oh shit, I'm sorry, it's like Seven Weeks all over again up in here, I've got the door barricaded and all this shit but I can't cut the phone lines because we're getting all our food by delivery and almost every single time I've gotten a phone call in the last week it's been from Roderich, he's so pissed man, I've hit a whole new level. Hasn't anybody told you?"
"No! What the hell did you do? Who's 'us'? What's going on?"
"Oh shit, things heated up after I left, it's a pretty long story though, are you sure you've got time?"
"Don't tell your brother about how you banged my husband, he's emotionally scarred enough!" The female voice interjected again, and everyone stared at each other in astonishment.
"He's my kid, he can handle it! Don't you have some sandwiches to make?"
"You've got a fucking death wish today, don't you? Why can't you just have a normal conversation with someone the day after seducing them and eagle-diving out their window? Why do you turn everything into a battle?"
"That was a pretty fucking disconcerting experience! And I didn't mean to say I was doing his wife, it just slipped out! It's not like it was true or anything! It was just a—what do you call it? West, what's the name of that psychologist from like, Austria or whatever, this dude who was like, obsessed with sex? He wrote like a whole bunch of books on it or something, I'm drawing a blank, my brain's too awesome to remember all this shit."
"I'm going to need a heaping ton of context before I answer any questions! What is Liz doing there? Why is Roderich calling you so often? What the hell happened over there?!"
"You didn't tell him I was staying with you?"
"IT SLIPPED MY MIND. I was busy trying to make rainwater look sexy to get you out of the house, and doing a pretty awesome job if literally every single conversation I've ever had with Roderich is any indication."
"WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?" Ludwig forced himself to take a deep breath, forced himself to calm himself, to try to understand how the entire dynamic of Europe had changed, not because of the war that was already happening, but because of his brother. Somehow, and nobody could say for sure how, in a matter of what couldn't be very many hours, Gilbert had completely destroyed the fragile system of peace that had hung over them for decades. "Gilbert. What happened? What did you do? Start at the beginning, as soon as you left my sight. Leave nothing out."
"I'd rethink that last one if I were you, it was some pretty fucked-up stuff, I wish I could censor it in my brain."
"It wasn't that bad! You'd seen us do that before, what's the big fucking deal? You've always been into that anyway. Fucking weird. I did it for you!"
"Send a gift card next time!"
"Everyone shut up!" Ludwig was getting more irritated the longer he was kept in the dark. "Elizaveta, we'll hear your side later, we need it to add credibility, but right now my brother needs to think hard about what he's done."
"It's just Liz now, I'm reinventing myself. I cut my hair."
"It looks super weird, the ends are all uneven."
"Shut up! It's not that bad. At least it's not that like that same douchey hairstyle you've had for a thousand years."
"Hey, this hairstyle is a timeless classic! While you were off getting married and chilling in your long skirts and bras and doing dishes and shit I was here, for centuries, with this exact hairstyle, doing whatever the fuck I wanted any time of day!"
"Whatever you say, sweetie. Didn't help you out the other night!"
"I didn't need any help with anything, I was doing just fine."
"Not with Roderich, dumbass."
"What the fuck are you talking about?"
"WILL YOU JUST BE QUIET FOR ONE MOMENT AND TELL ME WHAT HAPPENED?"
"He seduced my husband!"
"She made me!"
"I did not!"
"She did too, and he came after me like a tigress on the prowl for fresh meat!"
"You're talking about a cougar, and it doesn't apply because he's younger than you! Just tell the story."
"Fine, stop interrupting me!"
"Stop saying stupid things!"
"Well, I'm tired! I don't even know if I remember any of it accurately!"
"Enough! 'Liz', take a breath. I know my brother is an idiot. I just need to figure out what is going on, and I can't concentrate with you talking over each other. You'll get your turn in a minute. Gilbert, speak. And if either you make innuendos that I don't understand, talk over each other, or overuse the word 'awesome' I'm hanging up and calling Roderich for the story.
"Wait, no, don't do that, we'll be good! Ha, I get to speak," Gilbert gloated before he began. "So basically, I get off the train. It's raining, and yes that's relevant to the story. I'd made plans to pick up Liz on my way home, we had to do… something."
"Oh, nice going, Prusshit! Can't you just say we were going over to take cooking classes or something?"
"No, because we're not middle-aged suburban moms! And I really regret telling you that nickname now! West, we were going to go draw, okay? That's all we were doing."
"You're not artists. You were going to draw conclusions, maybe. Right after jumping to them."
"Why all this mistrust all of a sudden? Don't you believe in your awesome big brother?"
"Frankly, no, I don't."
"What, seriously? That hurts. Well, fine, West! Whatever! Get the rest of the story from Roderich."
"Okay, I will." Ludwig raised his eyebrows and moved to hang up the phone.
"WAIT, NO, DON'T! Please."
"Fine. This is your last chance!"
"Okay, okay!" He sighed. "So, I was going to go pick up Liz… We had made an arrangement previously that I would pick her up that evening and walk her home, where she would be staying temporarily. She gave me some vague instructions and I got to the house and knocked on the door—"
"—Which I told him not to do!—" Liz interjected.
"—Which I forgot!—And Roderich answered. Now, the other thing I didn't realize, was that Roderich… Didn't exactly know I was coming. And I thought he did. But obviously that wasn't the case. And Liz was trying to sneak past him or some shit, just what the fuck were you even doing, Liz? Anyway, my super awesome reflexes kicked in just in time and I realized that I had to diffuse the situation immediately. So I told Roderich I was there to see him."
"This is the point where he seduces my husband and jumps out the window."
"I was getting to that!"
"Really fucking slowly!"
"Shut up or he'll call Roderich! Anyway, I was talking to Roderich, and we were having this totally normal conversation and I was trying to distract him while Liz snuck away behind him but then he just jumped on me and pinned me against the wall, just kissing me! And I'm like, 'dude, you're married,' and he's like 'who cares' and then I'm like 'okay well we can't just do this go get some protection' and he leaves and then I jumped out the window!"
"THAT'S NOT WHAT HAPPENED, HOLY SHIT! I was there! You didn't say any of that shit!"
"I was paraphrasing."
"That's not even fucking close to what actually happened!"
"West, I swear, she's being so difficult about this whole thing—"
"Your turn's over, Prusshit." Ludwig had gotten all he needed to know. "Liz, it's your turn. Tell me what happened."
"Hey!" Gilbert protested. "Why does everyone keep calling me that?"
"Because it's accurate. Now shut the fuck up while I tell the story."
"You didn't shut up when I told it."
"That's because you lied about practically the whole thing."
"I did not!"
"You did too!"
"STOP ARGUING!" Ludwig shouted in exasperation.
"Yeah, Prusshit, shut up, I'm talking!"
"Just finish the story. My patience wore thin several minutes ago. By the way, my roommates can hear everything you're saying."
"Oh shit. Sorry Feli, if you're there. And, the other one, what's your name? We talked, like, once, I'm sorry. Anyway, hi everyone! I'm here to tell you what actually happened."
"Yes, please, enlighten us." Ludwig said, glancing at his watch.
"Alrighty! So, I'll just start from the beginning, yeah? Gilbert was going to pick me up." She paused. "The reason is not important. Anyway, I told him, specifically, not to knock on the front door—"
"—No, she didn't!"
"—Yes, I did! And he went and knocked. On the front door. And my husband answered. Now, I should explain something that Gilbert conveniently left out of his version… He was half naked, and dripping in water from the rain. He mentioned the rain, but left out why it was important. That was why. So, Roderich answers the door, and—oh shit, I'm sorry, this is going to scar him for life, isn't it?"
"He knows Austria has the hots for me, it's no big deal."
"The what?" Ludwig closed his eyes and put a hand to his forehead.
"The hots. You know the ones. The hubba-hubbas. The tasty egg. I'm the jelly to his peanut butter. The fire to his ice. The fire of desire. He's the whipped cream and I'm the baked potato. The smokin' hot potato he can't have."
"Who the fuck puts whipped cream on a baked potato?" Feliciano piped up.
"I think it's a figure of speech," said Kiku.
"Your guess is as good as mine." Ludwig rolled his eyes, trying to restrain himself.
"Yeah, it was a figure of speech. Also, like, literally, if I'm in the same room, he jumps on me."
"No, he fucking doesn't! It was one time, and he was provoked!"
"Why are you defending him, again? He was about to cheat on you, with me!"
"I know! He wasn't the only one." The last part was muttered, but still loud enough that everyone picked up on it.
"What?"
"Nothing, you jerk! You tried to sleep with my husband!"
"He tried to sleep with me!"
"It's not like you weren't sending signals."
"So now I was asking for it?"
"You were barely dressed!"
"I was fully dressed! It's not my fault."
"I hate you, so much." Liz sounded like she was physically restraining herself from beating him to a pulp. She took a deep breath, and muttered to herself in Hungarian. It sounded like she was counting to ten. Finally she exhaled and spoke again. "Anyway. Roderich's married to me but thinks Gilbert is a silver fox. I can't do anything about that. I must come to peace with that fact. It's a fundamental dynamic of our relationship at this point. Being constantly pissed off with Gilbert. My own feelings have no bearing in the matter." She sighed, then continued with the story. "So anyway, Gilbert shows up, half dressed, soaked from the rain, with bandages in strange places and that stupid smirk and I just knew I was in for a bad time."
"Really? Stupid smirk? I'm the one with the stupid smirk?"
"Is that rhetorical or a legit question?"
"Legit, since when is my 'smirk' stupid? And you're exaggerating, I wasn't half dressed! I was almost fully clothed."
"He was wearing a see-through white shirt with no jacket on and it was raining! You could see everything!"
"Ooh, sounds like Roderich wasn't the only one who couldn't take his eyes off me!"
"For fuck's sake, Gilbert, I'm just being accurate! You knew what you were doing!"
"And what exactly was I doing?"
"What were you doing?"
"Yeah, what was I doing?"
"THAT'S THE QUESTION THAT ALWAYS GETS US INTO TROUBLE!"
"For fuck's sake Liz, it was an ACCIDENT!"
"Not entirely. You can't tell me that wasn't at least a Freudian slip."
"FREUD! THAT'S WHAT HIS NAME WAS!"
"Be quiet!" Ludwig hissed. "Liz, what are you talking about? What happened with Roderich?"
"Okay, well, after he showed up and said he was here to see Roderich instead of me, he started undressing himself and using his masculine wiles to coerce my poor husband into kissing him. It was disgusting. Because of the infidelity, not the kiss." She added. "You know we don't judge, right, Ludwig?"
"What the fuck are you talking about?"
"Oh, Ludwig, are you experimenting?" Feliciano piped up. Everybody looked at him, then returned their attention to the phone, too awkward (or in Ludwig's case, mortified) to reply.
"You think my wiles are masculine?"
"Shut up, Prusshit!" Liz snapped.
"Stop calling me that."
"Stop seducing my husband."
"No! If anything, he seduced me!"
"That doesn't sound right," Feliciano interjected mildly.
"Wait, what's a Freudian slip?" Gilbert asked. You? Ludwig couldn't help thinking.
"It's like, when you try to say something but you say something else instead," Ludwig tried to explain over his general exasperation. "Like, what's an example? Will somebody help me out here?"
"Like if someone asks him what he's doing and he says 'your wife'?"
"Well, kind of, I guess—wait, what?" He felt a sickening sense of dread. "East, what the fuck did you do?"
"Your—friend's—sis—wait, no—your…" He was obviously trying so hard to think of a good line, but nobody was interested.
"Be quiet, Prusshit," snapped Liz.
"Shut up, I'm thinking!"
"Any time now."
"Your crush's former secondary guardian figure! That's what! Boom, nailed it!"
"We're not in a relationship! You seduced my husband and now I live with you!"
"I was joking! West, it was just a joke! It's not like we're actually doing anything bad, we're just hanging out! We co-write mystery stories and I make her breakfast!"
"He always burns my toast! And he puts chocolate on it, who does that?!"
"It's because I'm so hot. Are you actually complaining about an excess of chocolate? And you make all the protagonists Mary Janes."
"It's Mary Sues, Prusshit, and I do not! They're realistically powerful!"
"They're all like you!"
"Oh, so that's why the guys are all so douchey!"
"They are not!"
"They are too! And shut up, I'm still telling the story."
"It's a very long story." Ludwig sighed impatiently. "Does it end soon?"
"Oh, no, this is just what happened within twenty-four hours of Gilbert leaving your house. That was seven days ago now. It gets worse."
"What the hell did you do?"
"Nothing and no one!" Gilbert snapped. "It was a joke! An involuntary reflex. I couldn't stop myself."
"That's it, I'm calling Roderich. Generally speaking, I trust him much less than I trust either of you, but when you're together I don't know what to think. Gilbert, call me back later. Alone." Ludwig sighed and hung up before either of them could respond. He looked slowly from Feliciano to Kiku and was met with blank faces.
"What was all that about?" Feliciano asked hesitantly.
"I think my brother is sleeping with his ex-lover's wife."