Fix You

Jade

I've never actually been on an airplane.

I guess that's why I came to Santa Fe Municipal. It's not like I could afford a ticket out of here. But I guess it's nice to dream Sitting here, by the window, watching the planes take off, I can almost pretend that I'm free.

So I left him.

I walked out. I… asserted my independence, made my own decision, I…

Does that make me brave or just incredibly stupid?

I keel over until my head's in my knees and I cry.

I can't believe what I said to him. It was hypocritical and awful and god I practically called him a… I can't believe I…

I sit up and wipe my eyes with the sleeve of my dress. No. No, I… I had to do it. I couldn't betray them like that. It wouldn't be right. I've done just as many awful things as they have. And I know more than anyone that doing bad things doesn't mean that you're a bad person. That's something I believe. So I have to stand up for that.

But…

Carefully, I touch my stomach with my hand. It almost hurts.

It's his.

It's his and I just left without telling him.

I don't know how I'm going to do this. I don't have any money. I don't anything but the clothes on my back. The real reason I picked the airport is just because it's open all night, and I felt more safe indoors than wandering around on the streets. There are other people wandering around, dirty and tear-stained and alone. This is where homeless people go, in the middle of the night when their too scared to be by themselves. I am a homeless person.

I think… I think he was my home. And without him, I'm…

I'm homeless.

I fight back my tears again. No. No, I can't think like. I need to be strong. Independent. For me and… And for my baby.

My baby.

I'm going to be a mom.

I guess I need… Well, I need to get a job. A real one. Maybe I could waitress, even here at the airport, just until I get enough money to get an apartment. Or a plane ticket. Yeah, I'll get the money for a plane ticket and then I'll go… Somewhere. Far away. New York. Where no one would know my name or even that I exist at all.

A plane takes off. Wouldn't it be something, to just fly away from all of this? To just disappear and watch the world fade into fog.

Even in the middle of the night the plane leaves a visible streak in the sky, white and soft like a cloud. Like the smoke from his cigarettes.

It's his baby.

Doesn't he deserve to know?

It's ridiculous, really. How when a girl gets pregnant the guy can just walk away but she doesn't have that option. What if he wants the baby and she doesn't? Isn't it just as viable for him to raise the kid on his own as it is for her to? You never hear about single teen dads. Only moms. Like guys are all nothing but deadbeats.

I'm writing him off as a deadbeat.

If I were him I'd want to know. It's not fair of me to not let him know. I can't…

Some decision I've made. I sure picked a shit time to start making decisions.

I touch my stomach again. It feels fragile, tender, different. I am carrying a human life. There is something kind of beautiful about that. I guess. There would be, anyway, if it hadn't happened like this.

I…

I guess I would have wanted a baby, years from now. I guess I figured we'd be married, have a little house somewhere, with a white picket fence like in a picture book and I wouldn't have to hurt myself or sell myself anymore and I'd be safe and happy and we'd want a kid, and, god, would I even be a good mom? I don't know how to do this. I'm only seventeen, I'm only… I'm starting to cry again.

He'd be a good dad.

I see him with Emma. He's so gentle and supportive and caring. He doesn't even realize it, just how good he is to her.

He's made some mistakes the last few weeks. I can't deny that.

But he's hurting.

And it's not fair of me to deny that either.

Not just unfair to him, but to my baby. I never had a real family, a real childhood. And I can't do that to someone else. Roy deserves to know. He deserves a choice. Maybe he'll walk away, and if he does… I guess I'll be able to live with that. But I will have given him a chance. Given our baby a chance.

I stand up, still crying, but it doesn't hurt so much anymore. A plane takes off outside the window, noisy distance. I wonder who's on it, where they're going.

I guess that's the beauty of making a decision. You can't go back, but you always course-correct. If you don't like where it takes you, you can always buy another plane ticket and go somewhere better.

He's not here.

Emma lies in her bed, sound asleep with the TV still on. It hums, vibrating like an insect and casting a bluish glow across her face.

Did he just not come back?

Well, I didn't either, at that. But it's four in the morning. Where could he possibly be?

His jacket is on the floor. He was here.

I pick it up and wrap it around myself, breath in his scent, leather and chocolate and cigarettes.

Something isn't right about this.

I kiss Emma on the forehead before I leave the room, closing the door as quiet as I can so not to wake her.

Where could he be?

I'm still in my lavender dress and heels, dolled up for an evening that never happened. I wander the hallways, feeling cold, inexplicably so. It's dark. Hotels at night always make me think of The Shining, empty and just a little too old-fashioned and something feels so off. My shadow slithers across walls as I walk and if I didn't know better I'd think it was a ghost, the sound my footsteps someone's dying wails.

Something's wrong.

I can feel it, like a sickness in my stomach.

My stomach already feels sick.

I slip into the lobby. It's just as empty as the hallways, not even a receptionist. There's a door, looking out on the pool and the moonlight makes the water look like diamonds, gleaming and glittering and sharp.

I don't understand why but I just know that something… Something wrong, there's something…

Something…

Someone's outside.

A figure, another ghostly shadow, is lying on the gravel beside the pool. Not moving. The moon seems to distort itself through the window, shifting until, for just a flicker of I second, I can just barely make out a shock of coppery hair, nearly glowing in the light.

No.

I rush outside, as fast as I can, tears beginning to trickle down my face. I fall to my knees at his side. No. No, this can't be happening. How did he…

His eyes are closed and there's something that looks like blood streaked across his bare arms and I'm not sure he's breathing. He's wearing the locket I through at his feet around his neck, and in the darkness it looks like a slit throat, a noose. A murder weapon. God, no, he can't be… Trembling, I reach for his wrist, touch a finger against it, praying for a heartbeat and…

There's a needlemark there.

Something catches my eye, another sharp glint in the moonlight. It hurts my eyes. Diamond, after all, is the hardest substance on earth.

A suitcase. Full of…

No.

No. No he couldn't have, how did he, where did he get… I'm crying so hard I can't see. How did this happen, how did…

I stand up and wipe my eyes. No. None of that matters. What matters is that he doesn't die.

He's saved my life enough times. It's my turn now.

Calmly, his jacket warm around my shoulders, I walk into the lobby and pick up the phone and I call 911.

I guess I should be more afraid of hospitals than I am of hotels. But hospitals are clean, and brightly lit and even in the middle of the night there's always people around and maybe it's full of ghost but at least they're ghosts that didn't die alone.

I'm holding one of Roy's hands in both of mine, pressing the rough skin of his fingers against my lips. His been out cold for hours now, but his hands are warm and his heartbeat is a steady tone from the moniter and the doctor's said he'd be fine, said I'd found him just in time. He's not going to die, he's not…

His eyes flutter open. They're grey today, dull like dingy metal. He looks at me, the color still drained from his face, his lips pale like his blood flow is off.

"Am I dead?" he asks, slowly, his voice gravelly and quiet. "Or is this just a nightmare? Because you can't possibly be…"

I shake my head, tears welling up in my eyes as I grip onto his hand "It's me, Roy, it's me"

His eyes narrow, like he doesn't quite know whether to believe me. I kiss him, first on the tips of his fingers and then slowly down the palm of his hand until I reach the puncture-mark on his wrist. He touches my face, brushes a lock of hair behind my ear.

"You came back."

I nod. I'm crying now but I manage to smile. "I came back."

He looks at the IV line in his arm, at the heart rate moniter, at the bloodstain on his wrist. "You shouldn't have," he tells me. "I'm a junkie, I... You were right to leave me."

"No," I say, shaking my head again. "No, I…"

"Jade, I hurt you," he says. He winces, like he's in pain. "I couldn't control myself and you almost… I almost..." He can't finish that.

"But you stopped yourself," I tell him. "Every time."
He's crying. "Jade…"

"And anyway, you were right tonight, too," I continue. "I was being hypocritical. You're hurting, Roy. You need help. And I'm not going to walk out on you because of that. I can't expect you to protect me and then not be there to protect you when you're the one who needs it. This relationship goes both ways, okay? Just… Just promise me you'll go to rehab when we get back to Steel?"

His eyes widen. "When we… You mean… You're not leaving me? You're coming back with me?

I blush, and give him a shy smile. It's such an innocent question, for once I feel like a normal girl. "If you'll take me back."

He smiles, and takes my hand in his again. "Of course."

I kiss the tears off his face. "So why'd you overdose?"

He pulls himself up, so he's looking me in the eye. "I didn't mean to. I guess I just overestimated my tolerance. All I wanted was…Was to get high. To forget the pain I was in."

I nod. "I understand," I say. "And, um… Where'd you get the drugs from?"

"Heather," he answers.

"Heather?"

"We uh… We met at the saloon. It was in the suitcase from the train." He bites his lip. "She's taking the fall for us, Jade."

My eyes widen. "She's okay with it?"

He shrugs, glances at his feet. "Yeah."

I don't understand. "Why?"

"I don't know what game she's playing, Jade, but I guess sometimes you have to make sacrifices to capture the king." He looks at me, eyes glassy with tears. "And I had to save you, didn't I?"

I'm crying too. "We had to save each other."

I look away from him, stare at my reflection in the floor. "Roy?" It comes out in barely a whisper.

"Yeah?"
"Remember… Remember that thing I was going to tell you at dinner?"

He lifts my chin with a finger, locks his eyes onto mine. "Yeah?"

A tear drips off my cheek and splashes onto the floor. "I'm pregnant."

His eyes cloud over."You're…"

"I'm keeping it," I interrupt, talking so fast the words seem to trip over each other. "And I … You don't have to stay. I understand if you don't want to, I don't expect you to… But I thought… I thought you deserved a choice too. I didn't want to just leave and not give you a choice because if you want to, to, you know, then, then you should have that choice and… And what am I saying, of course you don't want to… I'm sorry, I… I should just go, or…"

Cautiously, Roy reaches a hand towards me. Towards my stomach. "Can I?"

I try to say something but it comes out as just a whimper. I nod.

He touches me, but he misses my stomach and winds up with a fist full of boob instead. His face turns bright red. "Sorry," he says, sheepishly. "The room's spinning. I think I'm still a little high."

That makes me laugh, and then I feel stupid about laughing and I burst into tears. "I thought you were going to die. I was so scared, I… I'm pregnant and alone and… And I can deal with you leaving, but if you had died I don't…"

He wraps his arms around me and kisses me. His lips are still pale but they're gentle and warm. "You're not alone, Jade. I'm not leaving you."

"You're not?"

He touches my cheek. "I'm staying. With you and the baby."

I can't think of a response so I just burst into sobs, heaving against his chest. "I thought you were going to die," I say again.

"And I thought you hated me," he whispers. I can hear that he's crying too.

This time I'm the one kissing the tears off his cheek. "I could never hate you."

"Thank you," he says. "For saving my life. For… Well, for everything."

"Thank you," I say. '"For everything."

He smiles, and reaches for his throat. For the… My necklace. "So do you think you might want to wear this again?"

I smile back. "I'd love to."

He places it around my neck and clasps it in place, letting his hands linger on my skin. "I love you," he says.

"I love you, too" I say. I brush the hair out of his eyes, and smile, because for once they look blue.

I promise you that I will learn from my mistakes.

Tears stream down your face and I…

Lights will guide you home

And ignite your bones

And I will try to fix you

Author's Notes:

I'm so so so sorry for the delay. I really don't know what happened. I've just been kind of out of sorts lately. I feel really bad about it. Sorry, everyone!

So to be honest I think this chapter is a little anti-climactic. I really wish I could have come up with a more dynamic way for Jade to find Roy, rather then just… Going back, non-dymanically? XD I dunno, I just couldn't think of anything more interesting so I just rolled with it. The exact details aren't really the important part anyway. The important part is she saves his life, that she had to be strong and that she was able to do that. I'm quite proud of her.

So this is not what was originally going to happen. Originally, the ending (um, I feel weird making this comparison now. This isn't the last chapter, guys, there's still a few more. just fyi. XD) went something like this: Roy decides to turn the girls in. He calls the Titans to set that up. He meets with Heather and gets the suitcase. He takes Jade out for a nice evening, as a sort of "last night on earth", and they have a lot of sex. Something happens regarding Emma that's still going to happen so I won't say what it is. The Titans/police/JLA/whoev come and arrest Magdalena, Heather and Evelyn. Jade, furious that he betrayed he friends, leaves. Roy goes back to the Titans, heartbroken. He figures out how to open the suitcase, discovers its's full of drugs, and shoots up, with the implication being that he would be using again for a long time. Jade, having fled for god-knows-where, discovers she's pregnant, and is heartbroken. The end. The last line was going to be "He's gone. He's really gone." This was my ending. This was going to be the ending from the moment I came up with the story. If you look through the story, you can see where I was building to this ending. I was all set to crush Roy and Jade and have fun doing it.

And then… I dunno. Something happened. I couldn't go through with it. You guys were so attached to them and I was so attached to them and my friend started squealing over Roy and I kept trying to make myself go through with the ending and… Nope. You guys wore me down. You win. XD

So after ranting about it for like two hours to my wonderful amazing friend (I heart youuu XD), I came up with this. I was really worried that there was no way to have a happy ending without it being unfortunate implications-y. I didn't want Jade to just blindly follow him back, and I didn't Roy to get off without consequences. But I think this is a happy solution. She does go back to him, but she doesn't just default into it, it's a conscious choice. And there are definitely consequences for him- he relapsed, he's planning to go to rehab. I think her saving his life (which was totally my friend's idea because she's the beeeessssttt XD) was the only way this could possibly have ended happily. Because yeah, he's pretty horribly flawed, but here, she's accepting him, not in spite of his flaws, but flaws and all. If that makes sense. (and that works the other way around too.) And I have to say, I am so relieved. I don't think I could've lived with myself if I had broken them up. XD It was never intended to be permanent- and some point, in a story set several years in the future or something, the would have still ended up together. It's not like Gar and Terra, who I take great delight in torturing once a year and who are not allowed to be together ever XD. No, Roy and Jade were always going to end up together, somehow. But I'm really happy to see it happen here. I just love them too much. XD

Title and lyrics from "Fix You" by Coldplay. I'm actually not 100 percent happy with this song choice (it's a gorgeous song, I'm just not convinced it's the perfect fit) but as we have previously established I am totally emo and suck at thinking of love songs XD XD.