Derpédex Chapter 25: Klefki
Yeah, this one was a given. Probably because we're starting to scrape the bottom of the barrel, and are about to dig through the bottom and begin our descent to the center of the Earth. As the title suggests, today is the day I get to talk to you about Boo Boo Keys up there, so let's have a little fun.
Now that you're done with having fun, let's continue on to talking about keys. Keys kind of suck. You lose them easily, the locks are finicky, they're easy for someone to take and make copies of, you can lock them in places they shouldn't be locked in, you can forget them, and there is no way for you to remove destiny's foot from deep within the confines of your ass if one of these things happens. So, knowing this, why in the name of our non-denominational llama would you decide to get one capable of thought and semi-articulate speech? Do you enjoy losing living things? Are you like a four year old with a pet hamster? Actually, given that you're taking advice from me, that last one is far, far more likely than it should be. And yet, you still decided to adopt some keys. Maybe the shelter suckered you in with the whole, "yeah bro, it totally opens the door to a new car, just take it out of the store and never come back, especially not with the police," trick. I don't know, but I can only think of so many reasons why keys were your top pokémon priority.
Remember that new type they just discovered? The one people are making fun of for being all pink and shit? Yeah, that one. Well, guess what klefki is? If you guessed psychic, congrats, you're fucking stupid. Klefki is a fairy/steel type. Okay, kind of weird. When I think of a floating set of keys (as I am known to do, because keys are damn sexy), I don't think, "yeah brah, this thing flies around and grants children wishes and shit". And yes, that is exactly what fairies do. I would know because I watched the Fairly Oddparents for years and years. I'm like an authority on fairies. And trust me when I say that fairies are supposed to grant wishes, and klefki does not. It won't even get you a new car, or bike, or plane, or locker. It will just look at you like you're brain damaged for asking it to. Hell, it won't even open your car, bike, or locker. Never before in my life have I met a set of keys that has proven to be so impractical…except for maybe the ones to my guitar case, but that's just because I hire midgets to stay in there and watch my gear for a few hours. I also dress them up in tiny suits, because it amuses me. I highly recommend doing this for any important items you may have. Remember - they're midgets, not people.
Now, where was I before I started talking about midgets? Magical floating keys, or something. I don't know. Fuck it, I'll just keep talking about them and hope that I started the entry based off of it. Blah blah no mouth, hurr no nads. General bullshit, and all that. All of my common complaints rolled into one bite-sized paragraph that's guaranteed to be fun for the whole family. Would you care for me to elaborate? Because I'm going to, no matter what you say.
I can't tell which part on its face is which. Where are the eyes? There are two holed near its mouth, could those be them? But, then what's the gigantihuge fucking pink thing in the center of its skull? Is it just for show? Probably, but where's the fun in that? Next I suppose you're going to tell me that fun has no relation to whether something is factually correct or not, but you know what? That makes you the fun police. I'm sorry, Officer, I wasn't aware that this was a no fun zone, I'll just take all this fun I'm having and move it to a place where you can't supply it to Mexican drug cartels like you're so fond of doing.
Was that last part out of line? I feel like it was out of line. If I wasn't already on a watch list, I certainly am now because of it (well, the fact that half my tabs are currently instructions on how to make homemade firearms, explosives, and phallic objects of various lengths out of pieces of a toilet probably isn't helping). Am I tangenting again? I am. Dammit. Is it time for keys yet? Let's go back to keys. What's that giant fucking keyhole in the front for? Does it unlock itself? If not, then what is it for? Do other members of the species unlock each other? Is that a common way of courtship in the world of living keys? "Hey babe, wanna go out for dinner, and maybe unlock after?" That's creepy as balls, and a good way to have someone choke-slam you into a table. Luckily for you, I have a new book coming out, detailing what to do in the event that your unlocking fails, entitled So She Denied Your Obviously Sexual Advances, and Someone Bigger, Stronger, and Faster Than You Choke-Slammed You Into a Vomit-Covered Bar Table: The Complete Guide to Being Creepy and Not Being Choke-Slammed Into a Vomit-Covered Bar Table: The Anthology: The Third. It was written by my klefki, who forced me to publish it, or else he would key the fuck out of my car. Did I mention they like to do that? Because they do. They're like kittens with a ball of yarn, except kittens are cute, and klefki is a keyring, something not generally considered "cute", except by the most die-hard automobile fans.
Apparently, klefki will threaten people by jingling their keys at them. Is that really "threatening"? Because it doesn't sound like it. That's what you do to make babies laugh themselves to sleep - you jingle keys in front of their faces. I simply can't bring myself to be even remotely threatened by something that made me piss myself laughing before I turned two. The only exception would be when it's keying me car, but even then I'll be more pissed (and more heavily armed) than I was as an infant. By the way, if you want a good idea of what I was like as an infant (and I know you do), just imagine a baby sticking its fingers into an electrical outlet and giggling, and you should have a pretty good idea.
Klefki will never let go of a key it picks up. Well, what the fuck? What if it grabs my car keys? Do I need to fetch the circular saw again? Also, does this effect apply to all kinds of keys? I think I still have a beta key for the Halo 3 beta lying around. It's technically a "key", so would klefki attempt to stick it on its ring? What's stopping me from tearing it off when it does, anyway? Fairy magic? Silly reader! Fairies can't use magic. If they could, they'd be granting wishes.