Tuesday 18th March – Entry 2
Jane and I went out for Dinner last night and she stayed over for the first time. The first few times we kissed I couldn't get John Paul out of my mind but I thought I'd gotten past that, I haven't been kissing her and thinking of him for a while so I thought I could do it last night, but I couldn't. I didn't want to disappoint her but as much as I like her, think she's really pretty and sexy and I wanted to sleep with her, I couldn't make my body co-operate, till I closed my eyes and he was there, smiling down at me. He always made me feel safe when we slept together, he knew just where to touch me and how to drive me crazy and the more I thought about him, the harder I got, she thought it was her, but in my mind she was gone and he was here, like we'd never been apart. Everything I've been holding in since he left me I let out with her, cause I thought she was him and she told me this morning she's never had it so good. God, why do I do this to myself, I need to get him out of my mind, I need to let him go!
Wednesday 19th March
Steph called, Jake tried to kill himself and Charlie the other day, he then tried to get mum to help him run away, but she called the police on him and got him sectioned! Apparently he's been going off the deep end for a while and he tried to rape Nancy, I can't believe he'd do that, I mean he's my big brother, the only sane one in the family, I always looked up to him, if he's gone crazy what does that say about the rest of us!
Thursday 20th March
I snapped at Lexie last night!
She knew something was up so tried to talk to me about it, but I just told her to leave it alone. She wouldn't let it leave, kept telling me to talk to her, she could help but I just couldn't deal, not only with what happened with Jake and Jane but I spoke to mum and she told me not to come home, told me they were fine and I hadn't to interrupt my studies, I wanna be there for my family, I want to help them through this but mum won't let me! I always wanted to get away, get out on my own and not be tagged with the reputation and history the Dean name has in Chester, but now I'm away, all I want to do is go back!
I told Lexie I was fine and even if I wasn't, I know she's not been fine for ages but she won't open up to me, so why would I open up to her! I feel horrible about that, she was so hurt, but I was just so mad, I said it without thinking. She told me that I knew where she was when I was ready to talk and regardless of what was or wasn't going on with her; she's still my friend and will be there for me. I totally broke down at that, other than John Paul I've never had anyone outside my family offer me that kind of unconditional love and support. I told her everything about Jake and the section, Mum's response and what happened with Jane.
She was supportive and told me to give mum some time, its not easy to see your kids locked away and she probably just wants to spare me the heartache of seeing him like that, I guess I kinda understand that but I want to be there to help them! Lexie said I should write to Jake and mention to him about going for a visit and I can go after exams are finished, then just pop in and see mum and everyone, she's sure they'll be glad to see me when I'm there, regardless of what they are saying now, I guess she's right.
RE: Jane she didn't have much advice. She told me it isn't healthy for me or fair to Jane to keep imagining John Paul when I'm with her. She said not to try and sleep with her again till I get thoughts of John Paul out of my head and I can think only of Jane. She told me not to lie to her completely but be fair to her, or else just bite the bullet and call John Paul and try to rekindle that if that is what I want to do, I don't know what to do for the best.
Saturday 22nd March
Steph is getting married to Max, I can't believe it, I'm so happy for her. She's going to call me with the wedding details; she wants me to give her away
Saturday 5th April
I did it, I slept with Jane without thinking of John Paul, I think I'm finally over him, it's strange, I thought I'd feel relieved that he's finally really out of my life and out of my head but I feel like I've lost something, like there is this little bit of me that will always be his and now I've let him go, its gone as well. I just need to get on with things and look towards the future with Jane.
Sunday 13th April
I got a letter from Jake, he doesn't want to see me till he's better, he said to keep in touch as it was great to hear from me and maybe if he's better during the summer I can go visit him. He told me not to muck up my exams cause of family drama; I know he's right, I just wish I could be there for them.
Things are still going well with Jane, she's so much fun to be around, I just wished I could talk to her like I do Lexie, but I guess that trust will take time.
Friday 16th May
God Jake, why did you do it?