No matter what they wish for, no matter how far they go, people can never be anything but themselves. That's all. – Haruki Murakami
Eleanor wakes with a start. She'd forgotten something. She'd forgotten something very important, and now Aiden was going to get hurt because she'd let herself be stupid for a few minutes.
Tom's legilimency.
He'd been practicing for over two years now. He rarely ever used it on her, for obvious reasons. But if he was angry enough about this, about not knowing what she'd been doing for the week, she could see him resorting to it. And, well, she knew he wouldn't be happy with the results.
Half shaking, Eleanor climbs out of bed and grabs her robe. Despite knowing she shouldn't bother him, she paces along the hallway until she gets to Aiden's room. She finds him still awake, reading on the bed, and he can see the trails of tears still fresh on her face.
"What's wrong?" He whispers as she sits down next to him.
"Tom's going to know and … I just don't want him to hurt you," she mumbles, head sinking into his shoulder.
"How would he know?"
"Legilimency."
"Shh, darling," he lifts her head up, kissing her forehead. "My father thought me occlumency – part of the requirements for his job – so I'll just teach it to you. We'll practice. It will be fine."
"No. No, it won't be. Things are never fine."
"We will figure it out, okay love? But the best time to think about this probably isn't two in the morning. Go back to sleep."
"I can't."
Aiden looks frustrated again. He hates this so much, hates that prick and the way he treats her. "Why are you still friends with him if you're this afraid of him?"
Eleanor looks up, clear-eyed again. "Sometimes, people are worth standing by. Not because of the things they do or don't do but because of who they are to you. Because they are more to you than they are to anyone else. It's the potential that makes you stay. And, well, I don't know if that's good or not good, because I know that you shouldn't take things you don't deserve from people. But I also know you shouldn't give up on them. So that's it, for me, that's all that matters – I'm not giving up on Tom."
"We will make it work. Do you want to read a book with me until we fall asleep? It's about house elf rebellions – a truly captivating subject for you, I am sure."
She laughs and cuddles up closer to him. "Sure."
Tom knows he needs a grand gesture. He needs something more than that actually. He needs a grand day – a grand week, in fact. Something to show her that he is the right one. Something to show her he has changed. Something to show her that he loves her.
He knows what he wants to do, and what he would have done in the past. Interrogate her as soon as she stepped off the train. Use legilimency to see what she had done. Perhaps sulk over it for a day or two, or curse her and tell her she couldn't see that stupid lion he hated so much ever again.
But he knows he can't do that, because that would prove right all the poisonous things he was sure that little lion was saying to her right at this very moment. It would prove he was spiteful and vindictive and cruel and didn't deserve her love.
He had been so close. For those few blissful weeks before this whole holiday ordeal, he had believed he had nearly convinced her to love him. She had kissed him and woken up by him and trusted him again. It hadn't made it impossible, but the whole affair had certainly made it harder – and now he knows he has to act quickly, before the kitten gets his paws in her and makes her turn her back on him again. He doesn't have time to wait anymore. He has to make her realize that he is the one before school starts again.
So, of course, he can't even question what she has done. He can't be jealous or angry. He just needs to focus on being happy – happy to see her again in just a few days.
Eleanor stares at herself in the mirror, pulling at her dress. She was nervous about what these people would think of her. After all, this was her first real foray into wizarding high society. Would they recognize her name? Would they mention her parents? Would they have known her, when she was younger? Her father had worked at the ministry after all, just like Aiden's father, and they were bound to know some of the same people.
For a minute, she contemplated asking Aiden not to use her last name. Perhaps that would make it better, or perhaps make her at least a bit less nervous. But of course they would know who she was without anyone ever mentioning her name; she looked too much like her mother for people not to figure it out.
She wondered what they would all say when they learned what had happened to her; how they would react if they found out she had been in an orphanage. They undoubtedly wouldn't like her; after all, purity was everything here, and though her name may be the purest in the group, her upbringing certainly hadn't been. What if they really didn't like her? What if they laughed at her for trying to fit in? What if Aiden was embarrassed by her? Perhaps she ought not to go. Perhaps she ought to take off this pretty dress and go buy herself a broom and then fly back to Hogwarts, where she at least felt like she belonged.
This was ridiculous, she told herself. It hadn't been her fault at all that her parents had died, so surely no one could blame her for her upbringing. Besides, everyone she had met that knew her heritage had been understanding; even apologetic that no one from the wizarding world had taken her in. She was the purest of them all. Everyone in her family tree was a pureblood who had married a pureblood; she had no dark spots in her family history like many of the people who would attend the ball. She was the date of the descendent of one of the oldest surviving English wizarding families. If anyone downstairs even questioned her purity, it would be almost laughable.
But, even after reassuring herself of that, she still felt like she didn't belong in the stunning dark blue evening gown she was wearing. She felt like all of this pomp and glamour was pretentious, as if she was trying to be someone who she wasn't. She would normally never wear crystal pins in her hair or paint her nails or put on lipstick.
Eleanor stared at the mirror with a feeling very much like contempt, wondering who she had become since she had entered Hogwarts. She had been so busy trying to please Tom, who was her oldest friend, and then trying to please Aiden, who she had to admit she fancied more than any other boy she'd ever met, and then trying to please Rose, who was her only female friend, and then trying to please Dumbledore, who had allowed her to come to the only place that truly felt like home to her. She wondered if she could do it anymore, be the person that each of these people thought she was. The obedient servant, the clever girlfriend (or whatever she and Aiden were, she wasn't quite sure what label to put on it at this point), the funny friend, the model student; those were too many roles for one person to play.
She hated the way she acted around Tom, the way she let him manipulate her, the things she let him do to her body, and the fact that she always hoped that he would go back to being the shy child she had met on her first day at the orphanage. She hated the fact that she always had to hide things from Aiden, hated the fact that he would never understand or approve, and hated the way she felt like she would never be a good enough person for him.
But most of all, she hated her own personality, hated to look at herself in the mirror. She was a whore for letting Tom do whatever he wanted to her. She was a liar for not admitting to Aiden what she did with Tom, because somehow she still felt as if she was cheating on the both of them. She was a manipulative witch, because she knew how to use both of them so well, how to juggle the both of them and control their reactions. She had every quality that the sorting hat had told her made her a Slytherin – and she was so good at hiding who she really was that even Tom didn't know what a Slytherin she was.
She took one last look at her own face in the mirror, examining those gleaming eyes, staring into the eternal emptiness that was her soul and seeing only loathing and fear and loneliness and inadequacy. That void could not be filled, no matter how much her heart wrenched with her own self-hate, and no matter how much she tried to with the friendship of Tom and the affections of Aiden and the lust of all the boys who took second looks at her.
Perhaps it was all because her parents had died and left her all alone, with a gaping hole in her heart that would never go away because nothing and no one was enough to make her feel beautiful and smart and worthy for more than a few seconds. After all, if her parents had left her vulnerable, why wouldn't everyone else? Why would anyone want to stay with such a despicable human being as her, who was willing to do anything to satisfy her own wants without thinking of anyone else? And after all the things she had, all the dresses and books and stupid little toys, she knew that buying something would only temporarily give her the feeling she wanted.
She should just throw it all away and leave everyone she knew and start again. She never felt any better when she was alone, but at least that way she wouldn't have to worry about others. Somehow, sitting alone and facing the emptiness inside of her and knowing that she would never be better was as much peace as she could ever achieve.
Her concentration faltered as the door opened. She looked away from the mirror suddenly, suppressing the urge to break it. She put back on her half-smile, her shining eyes, her wild spirit, and looked over at the man who had entered.
"You look perfect. Like a doll," Aiden said as he walked in, dressed in his suit and ready to walk her down so that they could dance the first dance along with his parents.
Eleanor flinched. Malfoy used to call her that. Tom sometimes did. She knew he wouldn't approve of any of this, of how she looked, or the fact that Aiden was her date, or the fact that she was going to go downstairs and pretend she was the demure, well-mannered, soft-spoken girl she really never had been. But Tom never approved of her fully, so this was just one more blow to add to her aching heart.
Outwardly, Eleanor blushed and pretended to be fixing her hair. "No, I do not. My hair just won't stay up."
Aiden stood behind her and whispered, "Then leave it down. I like it better like that anyway."
He reached for her hair clip and pulled it down. She felt more like herself now; she could deal with the few crystals still pinned near her ears. Suddenly, she felt his arms wrap around her. For a moment she felt better, wrapped in his warm hold. She knew this didn't make any of it better, she still felt empty inside, but somehow this made it okay – to at least have him touching her, to know that he felt something beyond friendship for her. To feel that someone was very much attracted to her, to feel wanted … it made things that much better. Tom had never made her feel better, not really – he was an orphan like her, he too was abandoned, he too was empty. Tom only had her, and she hated the kind of commitment he wanted. She did not want to be some caged bird forever singing the same song.
"You look beautiful," Aiden whispered to her, his lips grazing her earlobe.
She pulled away ever so slightly, though she did miss the high of his touch, "After the party Aiden. We wouldn't want any rumors, would we?"
"Actually, I'd quite love if every bloke in the room got the impression that you were my girlfriend. Perhaps they would stay away from you then."
She heard the tension in his voice as he spoke. In an effort to lighten the mood, she chuckled and said, "Well, if I look as amazing as you say I do, I doubt that would keep them away for long. I suppose you'll just have to stay by my side to make sure I don't wander off with any other boys."
"Now that sounds like something I could do."
She was still in her gown as they leaned against the balcony of his room. She's gazing out at the sky, but she notices his hand meet hers as his fingers stroke her skin gently.
"So, what happens next?" He asks quietly, "I mean, after we get back to Hogwarts. Can it be like this there too?"
He moves his hand around her waist so that he can pull her closer. She can't help but to rest her head on his shoulder and sigh before she says, "Do we have to talk about this? Can't we just enjoy the night in silence?"
He turns so that he can press his lips to her forehead softly, "We have to talk about it before you leave. And, seeing as you're leaving early tomorrow morning, I can't see when else we can talk about it."
"But I don't know what to say," Eleanor says, frowning.
He looked at her, his eyes soft, "Well, what do you think? Can we be like this at Hogwarts too? I would really like it if we could."
"I don't think … Tom would never approve."
"He isn't your father. You don't need his approval."
"But he's the closest thing I've got to family. I don't know if it would be practical for us to continue like this at Hogwarts. You know how people are about Slytherin and Gryffindor. We'd be the target of everyone's insults. I don't know if I could handle that."
"You are just making excuses now darling," Aiden says.
"No, I am not. You know it will be like that."
"So you don't want to be my girlfriend?"
She blushes, "I believe I do – but I don't know if I can."
"What do you mean?"
"You know how Tom is."
"Can't we just act like he doesn't exist for the rest of the time you are here?"
"We will, right after this conversation. Tom would never stand for it – I mean, me being your girlfriend. And you know how he is with me. Could you stand that?"
"Stand what?"
She blushes, "Him kissing me."
"Well, that would have to stop of course."
She shakes her head, "I can't stop him. Can't we just continue like this, without having to label it?"
"I'm afraid that would create quite a lot of confusion once we returned to Hogwarts – see, I want you to be my girlfriend, but it doesn't seem like you are quite as committed."
"I'd love to be your girlfriend, I really would. But you know it couldn't work – at least not like we wanted it too."
"I think we could make it work. If we were willing to deal with a few unhappy people," Aiden comments hopefully, "I don't need an answer tonight. Please just think about it."`
When Eleanor steps onto the train platform the next day, she very nearly laughs. Or does she feel like crying? She isn't quite sure really, just as she isn't quite sure whether the dozens and dozens of roses pilling up on all sides of her are romantic or ridiculous.
There, amidst all the yellow and white blossoms, stands Tom with one bouquet of red roses in his hands.
Eleanor steps toward him, shaking her head in disbelief. To her surprise, the only word she can manage is, "Tom."
He extends the bouquet to her with a flourish and a genuine smile. "They're your first gift."
She laughs, "It's only Christmas Eve."
"I thought we could start celebrating early this year."
"How did you do all of this?" She's shocked. He looks silly to all the starring passerby, students coming back to study for OWLs and teachers ready to prepare lesson plans, and Tom hates looking silly or drawing unwanted attention.
"Magic, of course," Tom says, smirking. She moves closer to him. Tom actually dodges her kiss, hugging her tightly instead. Not yet. It had to mean something more when the time came.
Somewhere deep down we know that in the final analysis we do decide things and that even our decisions to let someone else decide are really our decisions. – Harvey Cox
A/N: I think this is a pretty short and disjointed chapter compared to the ones I usually write, but it was meant to be more of an introspective look so I decided to post it anyway rather than waiting until I had the next part together. I realized I hadn't really written that much from Eleanor's point of view and I wanted to convey her characterization more.
I know it was a bit of a wait again – finals and finding a new apartment consumed my time for the last month or so. I will be moving over the next week and working on the next chapter of 1100 Silver Coins (my other Tom Riddle/OC story), so I won't be updating for at least another week or two.
Please review if you have any questions/comments. I'm also still trying to flush out ideas of things Tom can do to win over Eleanor, so if you have any feel free to send me a message or leave a review and I will take them into consideration! And no excuses, because you can submit anonymous reviews! Thank you for reading :)