ASLEEP

Chapter Twenty-Four – Cunning Plans, Giant Birds and Odd Discussions

This explains some things. Standing at the bottom of the gate, General Mustafa glanced up at myself, Chrom and Phila. His attendant was waving a white flag.

"Fighters of the alliance!" He bellowed. "You are facing superior numbers and cannot hope to prevail. If you surrender, handing over the exalt and the Fire Emblem, we will allow you all to leave. If any individual soldiers wish to surrender themselves now, they will be treated kindly. You have half an hour to reply."

Chrom glanced around the walls, made sure nobody wanted to surrender themselves – they didn't, no surprises there – before turning back.

"There's no need for the half hour, General." He said. "We shall not agree to those terms. We do, however, have an alternate offer."

"I'm listening." Mustafa grunted.

"Soldiers of Plegia, you are facing superior soldiers and cannot hope to prevail. If you surrender, we will take your weapons and place you in protective custody until the end of the war. You have half an hour to comply." Chrom, that is the single most trolling reply you have said...not to mention I think I've read that before somewhere. Reality and fiction seems to cross over a lot.

Mustafa stood there dumbstruck for a few seconds before letting out a laugh. "Ha! I like you, Prince. I'm afraid I cannot accept those terms, although I'm loathe to kill you now."

"That's a shame." Chrom deadpanned. "I'm loathe to die."

Did he seriously just quote the Princess Bride?! Mustafa laughed it off and waved his hand.

"Well said, Prince! I'll see you on the battlefield!"

With that, the general turned and left. Phila gave Chrom a disapproving glance.

"That was poorly done, your highness." She said reproachfully. I sighed and shook my head.

"Commander, I can't help but think you don't get how career soldiers work." I grinned. "It's a whole different class than knights – they'd rather drop the formality for some banter and good intentions."

Chrom nodded in agreement. "I picked up that much from interactions with you and Vaike." He grinned, before sighing. "It's a shame, he seemed like a good man."

"That's war for you, Captain. Sometimes, good people are just on the wrong side." I shrugged, turning to leave.

And then Hurricane Nowi struck once again.

"Hey! Wotcha doing?!" She asked, dangling off of the flagpole right in front of Phila's face, making her give out a very un-knightly shriek before collecting herself.

"We are dealing with very serious matters, child."

Nowi puffed out her cheeks and unhooked her foot from the ropes, dropping the five feet and landing like a cat on her feet. "Child? I'm at least a hundred times your age."

Phila glanced at Chrom, who sighed. "She's a manakete."

"Oh...oh!" Phila straightened up immediately, flushing. "My apologies, madam!"

Nowi grinned. "Oh, respect...nice. Why don't you all treat me like that?"

"Because age doesn't equal respect, Nowi." I grumbled. "What do you want?"

Nowi frowned and tapped her chin. "I...think Robin sent me to tell you he wanted to see you?"

"Thank you for the message." Chrom nodded. "Now, was there anything else?"

"Um..." Her face scrunched up in concentration as she tried to remember. "...I need to find Donnel's rock? No, I did that yesterday...uh...oh, right! I have to find bald guy too!"

"You mean Basilio?" I ask after a second. Nowi nodded.

"Yep! Robin wants to see him too! NOWI AWAY!"

With that she bolted off the wall and ran on top of the snow. Wait, why isn't she sinking into it?

Whatever. Phila stood there for a few seconds, shaking.

"What...just...happened?" She asked eventually. Chrom shrugged.

"You get used to it. Right, Robin should still be in the war room, right?"

"I've got a cunning plan." Robin grinned. Okay, you see, you'd think that is reassuring, but all I can remember whenever you say that specific sentence is Baldrick from Blackadder, and none of his plans make sense or work. Okay, some of them work, but – STAY ON TARGET. "And I'm sure you're all dying to hear it."

"We're trembling with anticipation." I deadpanned. "Get on with it."

Robin glanced at me. "You're going to hate me."

"I hate you already." I smirked. "I hate everybody to some degree or another. That's kind of my thing."

"You must be an absolute dream to have at parties." Robin snarked before turning back to the map. This time, it's me, Chrom and Basilio in the room, no-one else. I'm not sure why. "I found a series of tunnels leading out beneath the walls. They open up in the hills nearby. Chrom is going to lead a force to sortie out through these tunnels, harass the enemy rear, and then retreat in a blatantly obvious fashion that will reveal the tunnels. All of them."

"Thereby giving them an easy access to the castle?" What? "Robin, I'm beginning to think Frederick was on to something and you work for Plegia."

Robin snorted. "The tunnels will be rigged to collapse. I've walked down some of them, and marked the load-bearing supports. Cameron will be spending the next few hours setting up a chain of ropes that, when pulled, will bring the tunnels – and several dozen tonnes of earth – down on the enemy forces. They will either be pursuing Chrom – please wait until we're certain he's back, along with our own men, we don't want to be known for friendly fire-"

Heh, keyboard shortcut for teamkills. Control-f-u.

"-or will assemble a proper army, wait until we'd believe they hadn't pursued us, and send their men down the tunnels. Either way, we should be able to rid them of almost two hundred men that way. Chrom's raid should drop them by another ten or twenty. At this point-" Robin plucked a model up from the map and studied it for a second. "-Phila should have returned with her pegasus knights from that other castle. She will begin an aerial assault from the rear, pushing them into further disarray, before disengaging and retreating inside the fortress to man the walls, reinforcing us with another twenty skilled fighters. At this point, we should be able to hold this fort against the inevitable counter-attack from the surviving general, especially considering that the enemy forces will be demoralized as well as greatly reduced. Any questions?"

Yes, how the hell did you come up with this?

"Why Chrom?" I asked bluntly. "Why not me, you, or Basilio?"

Robin tapped the other three miniatures thoughtfully. "Here's the thing – I'm going to need Basilio's experience if they attack over the walls if they suspect a trap, I'm going to need to be here to replan if necessary, you aren't famous enough, and they hate Ylisse. Sending out a member of Ylissean royalty should get their attention."

"Fair enough." I shrug. "Next stupid question: What makes you so sure they'll counter-attack after this instead of resorting to conventional siege, with us now having twenty more mouths to feed?"

"That's entirely a hunch." Robin shrugged. "If it does turn into a conventional siege, that's where plan b comes into play."
"What's plan b?" Chrom asked after a few seconds of silence. Robin grinned and glanced up.

"Hope that Flavia shows up in time to save all of us." He said conversationally. "Plan c – which would be plan b if it didn't take so long do to – would be to collapse the walls, have everybody retreat to the basements, collapse the fort, and then escape through the one tunnel we're not collapsing."

"...holy crap." I whistled. "You really thought of everything."

Robin chuckled. "I try my best." He scooped the map up and glanced around. "Are there any problems?"

Chrom just stood there, looking awkward. "...other than personal ones? No, not really."

Basilio let out a hearty laugh, slapped Chrom on the back and walked out of the room. "Har! Good luck!"

We were left there for several awkward moments before Chrom turned to me, a bit of desperation in his eyes. "Cameron, you're married, you must know what you're doing. Help."

"Chrom, Anna did all the work in this relationship." I said, raising my hands before relenting at the look of sheer panic he was giving me. "...er, what exactly is the problem?"

"Cordelia came out of nowhere and said she was in love with me." Chrom said bluntly. "She then ran off crying."

...oh, come on.

"Wait, this was new to you?" Robin blinked. "Chrom, the entire army knew. Literally! We all thought you just didn't want to let her down!"

"...how long has this been going on?" Chrom asked, dawning horror in his eyes.

"I'd estimate even before you caught her falling, although that didn't help matters." I groaned, rubbing my temples. "...dear lord. I think it's been a few years?"

"That's what Frederick told me." Robin shrugged. Chrom's eyes widened even more – at some point your eyeballs will just fall out of their sockets if you keep this up.

...what am I, Henry? That was morbid.

"FREDERICK knew and he never told me?"

"...it was really obvious." I said defensively. "Like, we honestly had no clue you didn't know."

Chrom slumped backwards, and would have collapsed to the floor if Robin hadn't shoved a chair behind him as soon as the conversation had started. That...is a scary level of micromanagement and planning, my friend.

"Gods, how do I deal with this." He moaned. I groaned and sat down in another chair, glaring at Robin as he attempted to leave.

"Oh no, you are NOT leaving me alone to deal with your best friend." I growled. Robin sighed, turned around, and grudgingly sat back down.

"I'm not exactly experienced in this either." Robin said defensively. "He's got a point – you are the only one in a secure relationship type...thing."

That's incredibly sad.

"Wonderful." I sighed. "Okay, Chrom, first things first – what exactly is going on between you and Sumia?"

Chrom's head bolted up. "...what has that got to do with anything?"

"Oh, gods." I grumbled. "Okay, Chrom, yes or no questions from now on: Do you have a romantic interest in Sumia?"

"No."

...what? "Then how come you spend so much time in her company?" I asked politely. Keep frosty, Cameron.

"She, ah...keeps asking me about Frederick." He mumbled, embarrassed. "The last time she tried to approach him she was exposed to the Fanatical Fitness Hour."

"...the hell is Fanatical Fitness Hour?" I ask. I think I remember it coming up in the supports, but – okay, they're both shivering in fear.

"So many crunches." Robin muttered under his breath. "So little time..."

"The pull-up bars...good gods, the pull-up bars..." Chrom added.

"Okay, so Frederick's Fanatical Fitness Hour is a good reason to avoid directly contacting him?" This was met with many nods. "Okay. So, what, Sumia wants to make a move on Frederick or..?"

"Basically, yes. She, ah, said as much to my face." Chrom muttered, still flushing. "She genuinely did just want to help with the pies, I think she was trying to boost her own confidence." Well, she does have those self-confidence issues, so I can see why she'd want to prove to herself she can do things.

"Wonderful. Okay, so Sumia's not going after you, you're not going after Sumia...I don't believe you have any interest in anyone else?"

Chrom sat there looking thoughtful for a second. "...I've never thought about it. I always figured I'd just find someone eventually."

"Okay." I sighed. "Do I really need to continue with this train of thought?"

Both of them just sat there and looked at me, mystified. "...how am I the one who knows about girls." I said under my breath, slumping even further in the chair and rubbing my nose. "Okay, look, it's simple – you don't have any interests in anyone that you know of because you, Fearless Leader, appear to just lack a sex drive in general-"

I'd like to note neither of them disagreed with me on that point.

"-while she has an interest in you that is quite literally destroying her. For god's sake, take her out to dinner or something. If it doesn't work out, she'll be able to move on, if it does, hey, good job, you found a girlfriend. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go rig some tunnels to collapse."

That has to have been the single most awkward conversation that I have ever had and probably ever will have.

"How's it looking?" I called up the tunnel, wiping away sweat from my head. Julian shook his head – I think – before realizing I couldn't see him that far down the tunnels and settled for waving his torch.

"It's, ah, pretty waterlogged. Guess all the melted snow must have come down here." He yelled back. "I'm gonna say we need to put down some planks to walk on, or they're never going to be able to run back fast enough."

"Good call, I'll see if I can find any. Keep chopping!"

"Yah, yah..." Julian grumbled. Robin had identified which of the supports actually held the tunnels up the most, and had ordered us to cut down the rest. Then we should only need to pull maybe five or six ropes a tunnel to get the rest.

When asked what we should do if we made a tunnel collapse prematurely, he merely suggested we run. Asshat.

Anyway, here's the storage room. "Hey, Anna."
"Robin working you to death?" She asked, curled up in the corner and polishing a coin.

"Eh, something like that. Have we got any planks or anything?"

"Over in that corner." She jerked her thumb towards the other side of the room. "I think they were meant to be used for making temporary shelters or something."

"We just need planks." I sighed, grabbing the first stack – about twenty two-by-fours. Oof, that's heavy.

"You're going to have to pay for that." She smirked as I tried to leave. Groaning, I turned to face her.

"Seriously?"

"Mm-hmm. I'd say a kiss a bundle would do it, right?"

"Tempting, but I'm gonna have to put it on credit for now. Busy." I smirked. Anna rolled her eyes and shoved me out of the room.

"Fine by me, I charge high interest."

Walking back, walking back, walking baack – hello. "Why's everyone running, Gaius?"

The thief popped some kind of hard candy into his mouth before answering. "Long story short, Julian and Vaike are sparring and making it kind of a big deal."

"That sounds interesting." A thought hits me. "Hey...how much would I have to pay you to put these down for me? Just set a trail through the tunnels, so they can step on them without sinking."

Gaius narrowed his eyes. "...why?"

"So I can go watch my best friend get some sense clobbered into him." I'm beginning to just beg here. "Please?"

Gaius sighed. "Alright, fine. I'll do it, but you owe me a cake or something the next time we hit a town."

"Got it." I grinned. "Alright, thanks mate!"

"Sure." Gaius grumbled as I shoved the planks into his arms and dashed up after the rest of them. Alright – wow it's nippy up here. I guess all those torches down below must have helped with the heat. Julian and Vaike are slowly circling each other, wooden axes in their hands – well, Vaike's got a double-bladed axe like the one he usually uses, while Julian's got that single-edged poleaxe he likes to use, but they're still axes. Wonder who's going to make the first move?

"Come on, then!" Vaike grinned. "Come ta teach!"

"I'm not going to negate my reach advantage, Vaike." Julian said calmly, presenting the poleaxe kind of like a spear. Hey, I only just noticed it's got a spike on the end. Dual usage weapon? Not a bad idea. It's basically a lance – proper cavalry lance not Fire Emblem lance – with a large sharp piece of metal on the side, and considering he does most of his fighting from a mount the reach makes sense. "Why don't you make the first move?"

Vaike did so. Okay, so he's actually fast. Like, really fast. Maybe not Lon'qu fast, but he's not a slow bruiser either. Julian whipped out with his poleaxe, scything through the air in front of him, before taking a step back and bringing the blade part closer to his body. Vaike ahd rolled under the swing – yeesh, bare skin on snow, that must have hurt to some degree – before lashing out at Julian's knees, forcing him to block with the blunt end of the poleaxe.
Vaike then promptly proved my theory that smaller weapons just have a higher attack speed by default even in real life by slamming Julian in the side of his head, knocking him down. Ouch.

"Ha! Toldya Teach was better! You could learn something!"

"You could as well, Vaike." Julian grinned as he accepted the hand and let himself get pulled up. "When have I ever fought alone?"

Vaike's face at this moment is the perfect combination of confusion, dawning comprehension and no small amount of horror. Pity we only got to see it for about one second before a 1000 pound griffon landed on him, pinning him to the ground with his talons.

"SKREE!"

I...can't hold in the laughter. Julian grinned as he rubbed Kylar's beak.

"That, Vaike, is why I don't need lessons on how to fight on the ground." He patted Kylar's neck to make him get off. "Good to see you back to strength, bird."

"Skree!" Kylar flapped both of his wings, the bandages on his left one gone. Good to see.

"Alright, everyone, show's over, we've got work to do." I shouted, clapping my hands. "Julian, you were meant to be doing things."

"Vaike started it!" He almost pouted. Not the best argument to use, Julian.

"I don't care who started it, I'll finish it. Kylar will help."

Kylar nodded sagely at this point – can he understand humans or something? Maybe I'll ask Panne. - making Julian scowl.

"Traitor. Fine. Come on, Vaike, make yourself useful and lend me some of that muscle."

The two wandered off, hopefully to actually do what I told them to. Grinning, I turned to leave myself. I've got several more tunnels to make walkways in, after all.

I don't want to see an underground tunnel ever again. We'd been working for almost twelve hours before Robin confirmed everything was good, announced we'd do it tomorrow, and told everyone to get some sleep.

Which, for me, means waking up in the Blue Room.

"You know, you can't just leave a guy for three weeks and then start pestering him every night again." I grumble. Tom grunted and just stayed on the couch he'd summoned, playing some video game.

"Your world has so many magnificent inventions." He grinned. "It almost makes up for the lack of magic."

"I figured at some point we'd reach the Arthur C Clarke quote, and it wouldn't matter." I shrugged. "What is it this time?"

"Oh, nothing, just thought I'd lay some of your fears to rest." He said conversationally. "With the whole Cordelia-Chrom thing."

"Yeah, I dun goofed on that I think." I grumbled and sat down at the other end of the sofa. Tom snapped his fingers and vanished the home cinema setup.

"Actually, you didn't. Lucina's entire existence – all of the children – is a variation of a stable time loop. The minute Chrom marries someone else, or any pairing changes to be honest, the future alters itself slightly to accommodate. So, the children are the same, but the hair color and some family relationships change."

"That's...incredibly convenient." I said after a few seconds. "Like, scarily so." It also explains why the father/child and sibling conversations are generic, actually, if it's just reality warping slightly to accommodate minor changes...huh. Never thought of it that way.

"Hey, I don't write the rules of this universe, that's Old Hubba's job." Tom shrugged. "I'm just an intern."

"...so Old Hubba is literally god." I said after a few seconds. Tom blinked.

"Not as such. Think of it more as a Q Continuum thing, with there being a species so far above the others they can warp things." He said after a few seconds. "Gods are above even them."

"So...you're being groomed to become a Q?" I said after a few seconds. Tom shrugged and cracked open some soft drink before passing it to me – is this Irn Bru?

Oh it is. Sweet taste of home, how I have missed you.

"I started as a prisoner because I was interfering too much, but Hubba liked me and decided to put me in charge of his pet universe." He shrugged. "Since I was from there, he figured I could mess around with it instead while he went off and became a creepy old pervert."

"...who the hell are you?" I ask after a few seconds. Tom tapped the side of his nose and winked.

"Now, now, I already answered a question this dream. Shuddup and enjoy your drink."

"I didn't ask a question!" I protested. Tom grinned. "...I did not! You told me that of your own free will!"

"You wanted to ask that question, though." He said conversationally.

"Well, yes, but...I didn't." He just kept grinning smugly at me. "...I DIDN'T!"

"That's how this place works, kid, get used to it." Tom banished his empty can and stood up. "Good luck with the fight. Might want to finish that before I banish you."

Gulping down the last bit, I resist the urge to throw the can at his head. "Whatever. I'm going to ask that question next time."

"There's always going to be something more urgent, I can promise that." Tom smirked. "Bye."

"Don't pull those ropes until we're all back." Chrom said seriously as he finished checking Falchion's edge. The strike force he was taking with him consisted of all the 'veteran' shepherds – Him, Frederick, Stahl, Sully, Miriel and Kellam. A second strike team led by Lon'qu and consisting of a selection of the local guard was going to leave through a different tunnel. Then, they'd escape down a different tunnel then they'd come out of to make sure the enemy knew about all four tunnels we'd rigged.

Plan was good, it just needed to work.

"I don't plan to, captain." I grinned. "Don't want to deal with Lissa if I accidentally bury you or Lon'qu."

"Hrm." The swordsman grunted, sliding his killing edge into one of his sheaths before checking his second sword. Basically he got his hands on a swordmaster rig, so...I guess you could say he's promoted? "I'd imagine she'd make a lot of noise."

"Gods, I don't want to know." Chrom shuddered. "Alright, if anyone wants to back out now's the time."

As suspected, nobody did. Chrom grinned.

"Alright, let's get moving then!"

They headed down the badly lit tunnels, and after a minute we couldn't see them anymore. Well, time to sit here and just...wait, I guess.

So much fun.

A/N: Actual skype conversation with lambentLodestar from earlier today:

[3:10:58 PM] Cameron: 3500 words now, finally hit my intended target for a chapter.

[3:11:15 PM] Lamby: Halfway done, at least this is a really easy chapter to write

[3:11:22 PM] Lamby: and it's totally fucking badass, too

[3:12:11 PM] Cameron: Eh, I'll call this done and do the action sequence next chapter. I've got other things to write as well.

[3:12:18 PM] Lamby: cheater

[3:14:16 PM] Cameron: ...I'm still going to wait until you post your next one to post this. Just to piss you off.

[3:14:29 PM] Lamby: Asshat.

Fanfic friends are the best motivators. Also, I might be a horrible person. Jury's still out on that one.