Chapter Twenty-Four - Trust

Alex awoke the next morning. She was still tired. She exhausted. She couldn't understand how Liv had kept everything so bottled up inside for so long. She was also beginning to doubt that she would be able to handle the knowledge of what happened to Liv while she was undercover. The more she thought about Robin touching her, hurting her, the more she wanted to hurt Robin.

Alex stared out the patio doors to the ocean before her. She tried to let the waves' movements calm her. It wasn't working liked she'd hoped. There was just something about knowing in the daylight that made everything different. She couldn't shake it. The light of day didn't make it any worse or any better. It didn't hide the pain or the suffering that Liv had endured. If it did anything it made it more open. Alex didn't like. No, she didn't like it one bit.

She stood in front of the doors watching the ocean. She needed to talk to someone, but she knew the one person that she could and should turn to was the one person that she couldn't. Liv couldn't help her deal with this. She knew that she should talk to Liv about it, but she didn't want to upset her more than she already was. No, she would call Abbie. Abbie would help her.

Alex went back into the guest room. She watched Liv sleeping, peacefully for once, and smiled. She grabbed the baby monitor and then checked on Xander. He was sleeping as well. She went back into the kitchen, made a cup of coffee, grabbed her cell off the counter charger and went out on to the patio. She wasn't trying to hide from Liv, if she would wake, but she needed the air, the space, the calm of the ocean view to help her make the call.

"Hello?" Abbie answered groggily.

"Abbie?"

"Yeah, Alex, what's wrong? It is like…seven in the morning. What are you doing up with the sun on Sunday? Should you be curled up with a beautiful detective right now?"

"Abbie…"

"What? Did I say something? Alex, why are you calling me so damn early in the morning on my day off? What happened? What's wrong?" Abbie asked, suddenly becoming more awake.

"She wants to come back so she can talk to Huang. I know that she needs to do it, Abbie. I do. I just hoped that she would tell me what happened. I know that she knows that I want to help, but I can't effectively help her if I don't know what is causing the nightmares," Alex told her on phone.

"Nightmares?"

"Yes, she's been having horrible nightmares since we went to town the other day."

"Do you know what triggered them?" Abbie asked her, hearing Alex pace the patio.

"Yes. We were shopping for groceries. We were at the car when a bunch of bikers pulled in the parking lot. I've never seen her like that. She was scared. Abbie, I didn't know what to do."

"It'll be okay. We'll help her through it. We've all come together for her. She knows that."

"I know that. But, Abbie, you didn't see her. I've never seen her like that. I've seen her close to that, but she completely froze. I don't know…I just don't know."

"Talk to her, Alex. Make her understand that you are there for her. She'll tell you. She loves you."

"I know that, Abbie. She has been talking to me, finally. She is opening up, but Abbie, I just don't know if I can help her. I want to so badly, but I don't know if I can be enough for her."

"Alexandra Cabot, you wouldn't be there if you weren't. Stop being so hard on yourself, Alex. You didn't do this to her. We are trying to pick up the pieces and put her back together. It is going to be a long hard road. You knew that when you agreed to come with Agent Lewis. Don't give up on her or yourself. I know you can do this. Now, come on, Ice Princess. Don't let this get to you. Be there for Liv. I'll be here for you for the stuff you can't go to her about. Alex, I know it is hard, but you are strong enough to deal with this. I can't think of anyone else who could do this. Now, buck up and take the bull by the horns. I'll see y'all tomorrow."

"At the agency?"

"Yeah, I want you to help me in drawing up the charges. I know that will help you get your mind off what Liv has told you. Plus, I'm sure that you'll have more information than Ike and Russell. The more I can tack on, the more I can charge them for. The more I can charge them for, the longer the sentence I can ask for," Abbie told her.

"Do you think it'll work?"

"Come on, Alex, where is my Ice Princess?"

"She is in New York and not here."

"Then, she needs to come to Quantico and help me nail the bastards that hurt her lover."

Alex actually laughed for a second. She knew that Abbie was right. She needed to do this because it would help her process everything that happened to Liv without breaking down.

"Calm down, Alex. You take of Liv and I'll take care of the case. I could use your help, but if you can't deal with it. I'll understand. I'll call in someone else to second chair with me."

"Like who? I'm an international prosecutor and an EADA. I am sure that USA's office could afford me one case," Alex stated.

"I know that, Alex. I am sure that they would. The ball is in your court. I'll make that phone call anyway. Besides I'm getting a little lonely in Quantico all by myself."

"You want to bring Serena in?"

"Well, yeah! Who else can deal with my bullshit? You aren't going to keep me in line like she can and you know it," Abbie told her.

"I know. Call her. It would do us all good for some more help. Just make sure you clear it with Dana first. I was supposed to be processing this case. I'm glad she gave it to you, though. I'll second chair as much as I can. But, we both know that with a case this big, the more help the better off we are in court," Alex replied.

"Now, there is my Ice Princess. Take it easy, Blondie. I'll see you tomorrow," Abbie replied hanging up.

Alex put her cell in her pocket and admired the salty air and water again. She slowly sipped on her coffee. Yes, she would help Abbie and in helping Abbie, she would be helping Liv. It was a win-win situation. She would help try the case. It would give her a sense of protection and justice for not only Liv and Xander but for Frankie as well.

Liv watched on her the porch. She knew that it had been a lot to take in. She also knew that there was more that Alex would have to hear. She wouldn't have to go into graphic detail, but she would have to tell them that she had relations with Frankie. It broke Liv's heart to know that she was causing Alex pain, but she didn't know how to spare her either.

Alex had made it clear that she wanted to know what happened. She didn't care how bad it was; she needed to know so that she could help Liv. Liv knew that, but she didn't have to like it. There were just things that didn't need to be said. There were things that Alex didn't have to know, but then again…Liv loved her and no matter how bad she wanted to spare her the pain and the evils of the undercover operation, she knew that she couldn't fully.

Alex had come on her own to help Liv like she had helped so many before. Liv had to trust in Alex's power and strength. She had to trust that Alex's love would be enough to heal them both and help them through this tough situation. She had to trust Alex…Liv just had to trust. That was going to be her test.

She had to trust the same system that she was trying to protect, the same system that she went undercover for, the same system that she had to trust would bring justice. She knew that it would try her patience, but she knew that the only person she trusted with everything now was Alex. It was a leap…a gigantic leap of faith on Liv's part after everything that happened, but she couldn't think of anyone else that she would trust to stand up for her and get the justice that was deserved.

Alex finished her coffee. She watched the gulls and other water birds playing. She remembered why she liked coming here as kid. It was peaceful. It was away from the City. There wasn't a darkness that the City had. The Cape was light. Alex knew that even as a child, before she understood and fought the horrors of the City. It must have been her father's way of finding peace. He must have known that here, the City couldn't hurt him anymore.

"I owe you, Dad. I wish I could still share this with you. Thank you for giving me my light back. Thank you for giving me a place that I could find the light again. Thank you for giving a place to share with the ones I love. I only hope that it brings them the peace that it has so often for me. I love you, Daddy," Alex told the clouds, "Give Mom a kiss for me."

She turned to go back into the house. She turned back around and grabbed the monitor, before she saw Liv standing in front of the door. She smiled, weakly at first and then more genuinely. She walked to the door and opened it. Liv didn't move out of the way.

"I woke up and you weren't there," Liv said like a child.

"I'm sorry. I needed some air. You were sleeping. I didn't want to disturb you."

"I like it when you disturb me."

"Liv…" Alex stated, holding up the monitor.

"He's fine. He's still asleep. I already checked on him."

"Are you okay?" Alex asked her.

"Are you?"

"I'm…okay, now. I just needed to process everything. I know that you need to tell me more. I am not leaving though, Liv. I am staying with you. I love you."

"I know. I am sorry that you have to do this. I am sorry for…everything."

"This isn't your fault."

"Isn't it?"

"No, it isn't. You didn't ask to be beaten, kidnapped and strung up. You were doing your job. You were fighting the fight. You didn't ask for any of this to happen."

"Didn't I?"

"What do you mean?" Alex asked her, puzzled by her line of thought.

"I went undercover. I went to Dana and told her I would take the assignment. If I hadn't run, then none of this would have happened," Liv told her.

"If you hadn't done, someone else would have. It still would have happened, but just not to you. You needed to get out of the City, I understand that. No one could have predicted this is what would happen when you left. No one could have known how things would go down. Liv, you can't blame yourself for someone else's actions. You can't control everything, no matter how hard you try. Trust me on this, I know all too well," Alex explained.

"Yeah, well, how do you deal with it?"

"Well, I come to you. I talk to you because I know that you keep me grounded. You help me in ways that no one else can, because you've seen what I've seen. You fight the same fight that I fight. We understand each other, even though we might not always agree on the best way to get the results we are after, we still understand why we fight and who we are fighting for."

"Yeah, well, that doesn't make it any easier," Liv replied.

"No, it doesn't. It makes it harder. I know. I had to learn that the hard way. I lost so much when I had to leave and go into Wit Sec. I was too damn stubborn to listen to reason. I came back and had to claw my way back to you. I was determined that I wasn't going to lose you again. I realized that I needed you, then. I needed you because you could take my bullshit and you were willing to fight anyway," Alex told her.

"Then, why did you go to the Congo?"

"I felt I had to. I had to help those women. I knew that you would understand on some level. We weren't together and honestly, I was afraid of committing to you. I was running from my feelings. I knew I loved you, but I couldn't tell you. I didn't want to jeopardize our friendship. I saw the Congo as a way that I could feel like I was actually making a difference in the world, again, and I could give us some distance."

"But, you went back?"

"I did. We weren't ready. We kept fighting it. It was like every time that we tried before I went back, again, that we just weren't ready to make the leap. I think we had both finally come to our senses and knew what we meant to each other, but we were still in denial."

"It took me leaving to realize how much I needed you," Liv declared.

"I know, Baby. I know. I could tell by your letter. You needed me, but you needed to feel too. So much had happened to you in the last year. You needed a break, from everything. The undercover mission fell into your lap and you jumped at it. No one can fault you for that. We all understood and understand why you did it."

"Then why do I feel like I betrayed everyone?" Liv asked.

"Because you didn't do the normal Benson tactic. You didn't go after anything head on. You fled into something else. You became Julie and still were fighting for justice. When Benson and Julie finally met again, it was in that warehouse. You knew then that you had to live. You knew then that you would do anything to protect those you love. You did everything you could for Frankie and Xander. You turned into the protector that I have seen so often in interrogations and with victims. I think somewhere deep inside you feel like you've betrayed yourself. And now, you don't think that you deserve everything that we are doing for you," Alex stated.

"How do you know me so well?"

"Because we are alike and we love each other."

"Alex, I don't deserve you."

"No, Liv, it is I that don't deserve you. I am done running away from you and us. The only running that I am going to do is toward you. I am going to fight for you, for us, for Xander. We are a family now. I am not going to let anyone destroy it."

"Alex…"

"I was going to wait, but I can't…not anymore," Alex said.

"What are you talking about?"

"I want you move in with me."

"What?"

"Look, I know this seems odd, especially now, but move in with me."

"What about my apartment?"

"Sold already, per the instructions that you gave Dana. I don't think that you were actually planning on coming back to New York. The instructions you left were a harsh good-bye."

"My stuff?"

"Already at my place."

"What about Xander?"

"I've already made him a nursery."

"You've thought of everything haven't you?"

"I've tried. The only thing that will be missing in my condo is you. Come home to me, Liv. Come home with me. Join me in our apartment and love me as only you can," Alex told her.

"I'm a bear sometimes."

"Who isn't?" Alex quipped.

"I don't know, Alex…"

"What's to know? You love me. I love you. It is a logical step. One that we have denied ourselves for too long. You can even have your own room if you want."

"I keep forgetting that your condo is that big."

"Share it with me."

"Yes," Liv answered, quietly.

"What?"

"Yes, I'll stay with you."

Alec took her by the hands and kissed her. It was a start. Alex knew it. Liv was coming back to her. Slowly, each day they were making progress. She knew that it progress. She knew that their love would be tested by the case, but she was willing to fight for Liv and she knew that she would win. She had no doubts in her mind.

"One condition, though," Olivia stated.

"What's that?" Alex replied.

"I have to pay rent and bills," Liv told her.

"I am sure that I can come up with something."

"I am serious."

"So am I, Liv. I own the condo. It's mine. I don't have a mortgage on it. It's paid for. If you want to split water and electric, fine. But, I won't charge you rent for something I'm not paying for anymore. That just doesn't make sense."

"Of course it's paid for…"

"Does my money bother you, Liv?" Alex asked.

"No, I just forget sometimes. Nevertheless, I am going to give you rent. I would feel wrong not to. Will you humor me on that?"

"I guess. But, I really don't need the money. I mean if you wanted to rent a parking space that would be a different story. I only have one. You could pay for that, then."

"How much would that be?"

"What? Another space? I don't know. Probably around one hundred a year."

"You've joking," Liv responded.

"That is cheap. One hundred thousand to park there is top level parking. It is around three hundred for the level one covered parking in the garage behind the building."

"You pay that much to park?!"

"No, I bought the space. It was much cheaper to do that. It's mine and even has a parking permit sign. I own the permit for my space."

"Wow…so what happens if someone parks in your space that doesn't have your permit?"

"The garage attendants have it towed at the owner's expense."

"So, how much would that run me a month? To get me a spot next yours? I wouldn't want to sun bake my Mustang."

"I'll make some calls. See what I can do. I am sure that Donald and I can come to an arrangement. I do believe he owes me some favors anyway for Daddy."

"Donald?"

"Oh, he owns the building. Well, he owns what I don't. I am sure that we can make some arrangements for you to park without it being cost prohibitive."

"I love you," Olivia told her before laughing.

"I love you, too, but why are you laughing?"

"Because of the absurdity of our conversation, who does this? We are talking about sharing our lives together in your condo. Instead of being happy and celebrating us living together and everything that entails, we are plotting to get me a parking spot. You have to admit, that is funny," Liv told her.

When Alex thought about it, she agreed. She smiled and joined Liv in her jovial laughter. It was good to see her smile and know that there was mirth behind it. Yes, living together was going to be good for both of them. Now, all they had to do was try the case and win.

It was easy. They had learned to trust each other. Now, they had to trust Abbie and the system. Alex knew that it would be a hard road for Liv, but she knew she would walk it with her, supporting her whenever she needed. Liv would have to trust that they would win. She would have to trust herself. She would have to trust that she could handle telling a courtroom full of people what happened to her while she was undercover, even the dirty parts. Liv knew that as long as she had Alex to support her, she would be able to do anything. Even if she had trust in the one person that betrayed her every time: Herself.