We went home that night and I walked out back and sat out on one of the chairs the deck thinking of the past two nights. The night was cool and full of starts just how I liked it. I reclined back and looked up at the moon.
"I can talk to you. You don't judge. I might sound a bit crazy doing it, but sadly I don't have many other options. You look just as lonely up there as me, so you will totally understand how I feel. I miss him. I should be happy for him but I guess my brother is right; I am too selfish for that. If he's out there right now and you can see him can you just let him know that I love him..just so he knows " I wiped a tear when I heard foot steps behind me
"Who are you talking to?" my mom said walking out towards me
I looked up her realizing how
"To the moon." I said taking the throw blanket she was handing me "thanks"
"Alright...are you ok?" she asked
"I don't feel like talking mom" I said looking at her and smiling a little
"But you can talk to the moon?" she laughed a little "see tonight wasn't that bad you looked like you enjoyed a little of it"
I laughed "It wasn't the actual fighting I was enjoying; it was more of the leather pants look"
My mom laughed
"You miss him don't you?" she looked at me
I knew telling my mom I didn't want to talk translated to her like saying ask more and you will eventually get it out of me.
I just shrugged "it doesn't matter now"
"Is that who you were talking to the moon about?"
"That is between the moon and I" I closed my eyes pretending to fall asleep
"You know…your biggest problem has been keeping things inside. It eats up at you and until you can't control it anymore. You need to be able to tell people your problems" she said
I let out a sigh. I knew she was right.
"I'm fine mom. I'll be back inside in a few minutes" I said. It was a nice way of telling her to leave.
When she was gone I went back to my thoughts bringing the blanket up to my neck. I sat there for a few minutes and I heard footsteps again.
"Mom, I said I will be in soon" I said closing my eyes annoyed
"I will let her know that"
I sat up and looked back at him. "Seth, what...what are you doing here?"
"Well the talk at the arena got cut short and it just didn't feel like that should have been it" he said sitting in the chair my mom was sitting in before.
"Yes it did feel kind of rushed" I said staring at the trees ahead
He leaned back on the chair with his feet up "I waited for you"
I looked at him; he was already looking at me
"To move on; I waited to see what you were going to do after you got out of your treatment. You never reached out so I figured you really did mean it that night" he said
I took a deep breath and looked out to the trees again. He had just confirmed he had now moved on. That must be what getting stabbed in the heart felt like.
"I was so confused on what to do when I got out. I wanted to call you but I was embarrassed. Still am embarrassed" I bit my lip threatening myself that if I cried I would punch myself in the face.
"for what? What are you embarrassed about?"
"What I did; the drugs, what I did to you that day. I don't know its embarrassing" I looked at him again and now he was looking straight ahead
He shrugged "don't be embarrassed. You took a stumble in your walk and you needed help. How you acted that day was just a result of that. I knew you wouldn't have done that when everything was fine"
I was fighting back tears. The fact that he was always so understanding killed me.
"Yeah, guess I just have to learn to let go of things" I nodded and looked at him "but I am glad I got to apologize"
He looked at me and smiled "yes, apology obviously accepted since it wasn't necessary in the first place"
I laughed a little.
"I should probably get going. Your mom is probably tired from trying to look out the kitchen window" he said laughing
I put my face in my hands laughing "Is she really?! She is on my last nerve. "
He laughed and stood up. I stood up too putting the blanket back down on the chair. Feeling how cold the night was now I wrapped my arms around myself.
He looked at me and put his hands on my arms rubbing them for warmth. "Alright I should really get going. It was really get to see you and you look freaking amazing" he said kissing the top of my head and giving me a hug
I closed my eyes and hugged back. Never wanting to let go I tried to take in as much of his scent and his warmth before pulling away from the hug.
"It was really nice to see you too." I said biting my tongue on what I really wanted to say
I walked him to the front door seeing my mom pretend to be washing dishes.
I shook my head "I seriously think I am like a hobby to her now"
He laughed and looked at me when we reached the front door.
"Ok, well bye. I'll see you around" he said
I smiled. I knew there was a good chance this was the last time I saw him unless I sat down with my mom and watched wrestling with her.
"bye" I knew if I said more my voice would crack.
He leaned down and gave me a hug again walking out.
I watched him walk to his car and drive away. I closed the door behind me and headed to my room I laid in bed trying to be brave. Part of me was happy that I had a nice moment with him that wasn't full of awkwardness and that I knew he didn't hate me. The other part of me was hurting; out of all the times I had to watch him leave this was definitely the hardest of them.