Authors note:

I am very sorry that I have let almost an entire year pass without posting another chapter. I know I have said it before, but it's true, my muse ran off I don't know where on a long and extended vacation and refused to return. She must have been very happy wherever it was, the little brat. I am currently in deep immersion therapy (watching SVU reruns) so that I can get back my mojo. I hope to finish this story before the end of the year. We sill have six months! Thank you for your continued support if you are still haniging in there.

Disclaimer see part 1

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Chapter 17

Solitude

The echo of her steps on the sidewalk was lost in the cacophony of the daily New York City traffic, the city that never slept. For just a moment she felt disconcerted and out of place, even lost. Acknowledging the feeling was irritating, it had only been a year ago that she had been running at least 4-5 miles in the morning through Central Park with her iPod on without even blinking an eye or even being aware of the traffic noise, much less worried about all the people that walked by her on the sidewalk.

For just a second Alex felt like the deer caught in the cars' headlights in the middle of the road, paralyzed and not knowing how to react. It was in that second of irrational panic that made her square her shoulders imperceptibly and continued walking, she was just a day shy of completing a week back, the truth was that it was her return from Wisconsin to NYC that had left her in a total fog, her mind too worried about Olivia's condition to even notice what was taking place around her.

If she had been asked to recall anything, she would only have remembered a few odd bits and pieces. Aside from walking through the airport hanger to board the private plane that Hammond by some strange scheme had reserved for her. She couldn't even remember having thanked him, actually she couldn't remember much except for how cold and anguished she had felt. She could remember the lancing desperation, like a physical pain when she first laid eyes on Olivia for the first time in more than a year.

Even though she knew Olivia was now out of danger the pain and fear of almost losing her was too great, stronger than when she had first entered WPP, then the hope that someday she would see her again gave her strength to leave, and realizing that the reason for doing so was to keep her alive. However, upon her return she was begging God, one that she didn't even know existed, to please not take Olivia away from her.

"Olivia." She whispered with nostalgic desire, even after only having left her a few short hours ago. Alex was already feeling the acute need to be next to her side, she didn't want to analyze her feelings at that moment, she didn't want to think how weak and dependent she had become, she knew probably was PST, but that didn't matter right now, the only thing that mattered now was Olivia.

Before she knew it, she was in front of the coffee stand that Stabler had told her about. With a pleasant smile she stopped and ordered her coffee. So many mornings she had stared out her window of her suburban colonial house in Wisconsin with a view of the hills as she held a cup of hot decaf coffee and wished she was standing at one of the many coffee stands so famous in New York. She wasn't sure now if she should be grateful to be back in the City. The reasons were totally unfair because not only she hadn´t returned like a hero after having slain the dragon but also because she had returned under the veil of secrecy and under more danger than before. Dangerous because after all, she was supposed to be dead; and her friends and colleagues were putting their pensions at risk both for herself and Olivia.

After paying for her coffee and quickly glancing over she saw the taxi waiting for her as she had been told. She approached the taxi and told the driver to pick her up on the other side of Central Park at the E. 97th St. entrance, without even waiting for his acknowledgment she walked off.

She however had noticed the arched eyebrow when she gave him the instructions. Alex was not about to go into hideout anywhere else. She wanted to be out in the open, to think, to slowly immerse herself in the sounds and feel of the city once again, to recover some of the balance that the last few traumatic days had prevented her from doing so. Not that it wasn't distressing living in a small town in Wisconsin without any friends or lovers, however at that time her only hope was Olivia, the memory of her kept her sane and hopeful. Fearing that she might lose Olivia the last few days had left her drained of whatever calm she had achieved during the months in exile, the resignation born of hope and not from despair.

Once she had given the cab driver the location she began to make her way over to Central Park that was just across 5th Ave. where the hospital was. She walked slowly without any hurry to get anywhere, just enjoying the fact she could stroll through an old and familiar route…

It wasn't the first or even the last time she would find Olivia sitting on a particular bench watching people go by, what she did find odd was the lost look in the detective's eyes, so much so that she didn't even look over when Alex sat at her side.

She was about to say something when Olivia's soft voice startled her. She truly had thought that Liv had not been aware of her presence.

"When I was a kid my mother would bring me to Central Park to feed the ducks. On Saturday's she liked to take me, when the weather permitted, to the children's theater and then she'd take me to get a hot dog and she'd read a book and I would fall asleep on her lap under the shade of a tree.

Alex remained silent not sure what to say but she did place her hand on Liv's thigh so that she knew that she was listening and to continue… "It's been just under two years that she passed away and sometimes I wonder if she hated me or just hated the reason I was here. If I had been in her place I wouldn't have given myself the chance to live. I know that and that makes her an even better person than I am.

"Liv…" Alex opened her mouth to say something when Olivia's voice halted her.

"But I also know that she loved me, she loved me enough that she didn't abandon me when she easily could have. She loved me enough to refuse to give in to anything except her alcoholism. I never wanted for anything, she never stopped working and she never forgot that I existed even though many times I'm sure she wished that I didn't. Even when she yelled at me or ignored me I would see how much it hurt her to feel that way. Alex…" Olivia took the blondes hand and squeezed it gently. "I'm not worth it, not enough for you to make enemies with your mother for me. I beg you…"

Alex gasped incredulously and almost doubled over in pain when Liv uttered those words in defeat, almost as if she expected her to tell her she was right. It was at that precise moment that Alex made her decision to pull away from her mother if the decision came down to choosing between her mother and Olivia.

"Listen to me and listen to me good Olivia Benson," Alexandra looked directly into the detective's chocolate brown eyes that in that moment reflected the agony that the very idea of losing Alex was causing her, convinced that it was the end. "We can't choose the family we are born into just as we can't choose who we fall in love with. It probably would have been much easier to stay with George, but he is not who my heart chose to be in love with. It's you, and to make it clear, there is no one that I would rather be with." She cradled Liv's face in her hands and without caring who was looking at that moment, there was nothing more important than to reassure Liv that there were no regrets or doubts. "I love you, just you, exclusively you, I don't love anyone else, I would not be able to live without you. Please don't ask me to."

Olivia threw herself at Alex and hugged her tightly, letting a painful breath escape her. She took in a lungful of fresh air as if she had been suffocating, filling her lungs until they were ready to burst.

After the emotional rollercoaster ride, she and Alex walked hand in hand towards Alex's penthouse that was just around the corner. They made love until the early morning hours, reaffirming their love with tender caresses and passionate sighs, oblivious of the storm that was brewing in the days to come.

Alex knew that it wasn't healthy to stop and think of what ifs, but she couldn't help that feeling of regret when she recalled that night. The night she should have taken out the ring she had hidden, thinking to ask Liv to marry her. If they'd only had more time they would have escaped that weekend to Canada to get married as she'd planned.

Just then something caught her attention in the distance, distracting her from her bitter thoughts.

She stayed there for a good while watching the people pass by, enjoying the setting summer sun. With a heavy sigh she got to her feet and started walking towards where the taxi was waiting. If it had been up to her she'd take the subway not far from there to Liv's place, but she knew that Liv wouldn't take long in finding out and she didn't want to cause her unnecessary anguish.

As she walked she took out the disposable cell and sent a text message to Liv.

"I'm on my way home, I miss you."

She didn't expect a response however she wasn't surprised when she did. She smiled indulgently at the thought that Liv undoubtedly refused to rest because she was worried about her.

"And I you, take care of yourself. XOXOXO."

Feeling slightly better, she didn't wait to find the cabbie who when he saw her pulled up slowly so she could get in. During the ride to the apartment Alex looked around curiously like a little kid on her first trip around the big apple, a smile of happiness and feeling slightly disconcerted at the same time, she wasn't sure if she should be happy or disappointed. Not that it was strange or that she couldn't accept it, but it was unpleasant to find out that life continued even if you felt as if your life had been put on hold. That was perhaps the most maddening for Alexandra Cabot, knowing that in spite of it all she couldn't control everything, no matter how meticulously planned.

It didn't matter that she should be celebrating her First Anniversary with Olivia under the same roof, or that she could have been celebrating the first anniversary of her promotion to Major Cases. Planning is worth nothing when you forget that your life is not dependent on you as much as you try to convince yourself of it. It was true that you are the one that makes the decisions but unfortunately, you are not the only one.

The traffic wasn't too heavy for the time of day, it was still early and the idea of buying something at the Deli that was just down the street from Liv's place was tempting. However, she also remembered that Jamie from the Deli knew her very well and her voice might give her away so she didn't want to tempt fate, not when Liv still needed her so much.

Once more when she was at the entrance to the building she opted to take the stairs but not before checking Olivia's mailbox. With quick and sure steps she climbed the stairs to the 6th floor. Damn she was in good shape, running was the only thing she had in Wisconsin that still belonged to the old Alex and no one could take that away from her.

Old habits die hard, Alex recalled giving the door a slight push to open it and with nimble fingers she removed the security chain from the inside. Liv didn't play around with her safety nor did she play around with Alex's either. Olivia had installed that chain when they had started spending the nights together and she had to go out in the middle of the night when she got called out on cases. Again making her recall what could happen in her line of work. Alex stopped protesting when she saw the look of terror in Liv's eyes just thinking of the possibility of anything happening to Alex. Now she knew that Liv's terror had been prophetic.

Alex opened the door and out of force of habit she took off her coat and was suddenly hit by Liv's familiar scent. A scent that made her feel secure, loved. She turned to hang up the coat and it slid from her hands when she came face to face with her blue blazer, the same one that she had left only two days before leaving the apartment for the last time as Alexandra Cabot. With shaky hands she picked up her coat and hung it up next to the blue jacket. She blinked several times and turned towards the living room, something on the coffee table caught her attention, her reading glasses were still where she always left them, almost as if they were waiting for her to put them on next to the…unbelievably…the book that she had been reading.

She froze in the middle of the hallway. Slowly she ran her eyes over the room, only moments before, she had been damning her bad fortune for feeling out of place in a city that had not stopped for her. Now she was feeling quite the opposite, almost as if time had stood still and everything had frozen in time. Her coffee cup still hung in its customary hook, the chair slightly turned facing the direction she always sat, the book that she was reading next to the coffee table. Hesitantly she headed for the kitchen and opened the cupboards, noting her box of cereal, the creamer, the Lady Earl Gray tea and other things that she liked lined up neatly and ready for her use. She closed her eyes as if she was looking through a slow motion camera, reviewing each section of the apartment.

Everywhere there was something that belonged to her, everything that was part of her life with Liv, that it was a stable and permanent relationship. Her umbrella behind the door, her boots next to it, she continued on to the bedroom and with a bit of fear she glanced into the bathroom. Here lined up perfectly were her French bath products, but what made her fall to her knees in front of the bed was Liv's t-shirt, the one she "stoled" on top of the bed, the one that she liked to wear to bed. A bit rumpled and laying on top of the pillow that Olivia apparently hugged in her sleep. It was also very obvious that her detective had not had the chance to make up the bed since she had last been there but aside from that everything was in its usual place.

On shaky legs she approached the bed and picked up the t-shirt, bringing it to her face, taking a deep breath, her blue eyes opened wide when the scent struck her senses. "Oh Liv" The item in question smelled like she did, it was impossible not to tell, it was as if she had just worn it just a few short hours ago and not a year and a half before.

Unable to stand it any longer she let herself fall on the bed hugging the t-shirt against her chest, wailing violently, her body shaking uncontrollably, cries ripped from her soul breaking the ghostly silence in the bedroom. The bedroom haunted by her own ghost.

"Oh Liv, what have I done? How did you manage to live like this? How?" Alex gasped out between sobs.

She had thought that living in exile far from the woman that she loved and everything that was important to her had been painful but she had truly thought that Olivia would have made it through the anguish and depression of her solitude with the help from Elliot and the guys.

How wrong she had been, this was real solitude. To live surrounded by everything that you love and to know that you have nothing. To know that every morning, every day, every night you come home to be greeted by the emptiness and the phantom of your past happiness. Alexandra knew that she would have gone crazy if the situation had been reversed.

She had cursed the fact that she didn't even get a photograph to take with her when they had practically drugged her and taken her far from Liv. For months, she had drowned in misery, so much so that it didn't matter whether she lived or died. One day she just happened to turn on the TV and found herself staring at Olivia. Olivia was being interviewed after solving a case that had gained national attention. After that incident Alex seemed to recover from the depths of depression she had been in for the past six months.

It was only then that something that still remained deep inside began to emerge and allowed her to feel and dream once again about someday returning, because Liv was asking her to. She could feel it, even hundreds of miles away that wave of love and need somehow managed to reach her, which was irrational but it gave her the strength and courage to do it. Giving her, her only reason for living.

Reclaiming parts of herself that she had temporarily left behind, habits and routines that had been part of her, things that she thought were and always would be Alexandra Cabot. Reminding herself that she was only pretending to be someone else. Like those games she had played with her cousin Judith as a child.

She went out jogging in the mornings and read the NY Times online and also the Legal Review in order to keep up to date until she could return. She did this as a promise to herself and Olivia. And every night she would stare out the window at the hills looking east, thinking of her even though they couldn't see each other and Olivia would be thinking of her.

There were times when the pain was too great, the need to have Olivia or the fear of losing her keeping her off balance. There were times that when she woke up in the mornings she would feel disoriented then she would remember…she would remember the smell of antiseptic and calling out for Olivia in her dreams. She would remember a man's voice telling her it was the only option.

Others were nightmares, dark and surreal, with grotesque images or sometimes-just images of Olivia starring at her coldly from afar, as she ran and ran towards her screaming her name, but Olivia would always turn away without looking back.

Perhaps it was incomprehensible to some, but for Alex the fear of being found by her enemies did not compare with the fear of losing Olivia. She knew she feared that more than any paid assassin that might be after her. She also understood that she needed to be levelheaded for her own sanity and find a midpoint. She couldn't afford to be careless enough to leave clues that she was now Emily Perkins. Once she had accepted that she could no longer continue to be Alex Cabot it also meant that she could no longer hang on to her past either. She had to embrace the present and just hope to recover what was rightfully hers.

Her real life.

Emily Perkins wasn't nor could she ever be the real Alex Cabot, she was just a character she played, a divorced woman from Oregon who was only trying to forget a huge mistake. Being an only daughter and without family it had been easy to move to another state without looking back. She wanted to begin anew she would tell her co-workers and acquaintances.

Emily was a homebody, a woman that enjoyed caring for her small garden, who loved to try new recipies and had a taste for subtitled movies. She had no intention of getting remarried and she was not looking for a boyfriend or anything of the kind.

Emily Perkins was many things, but Emily and Alex had something in common, both of them loved and always would love Olivia Benson.

Overwhelmed, exhausted and totally crazed she cried herself to sleep.

Alex sighed and murmurred Liv's name when she suddenly felt someone shaking her lightly. She was startled and opened her eyes.

"What?" she jumped scared "Elliot?" She questioned when she recognized him. "What the hell?" She sat up trying to clear her head. "I thought I'd be safe here."

Elliot had the decency to blush and decided not to mention that she looked like someone who had cried her eyes out, which is exactly what had happened.

"I'm sorry, Liv tried to call you several times but you didn't answer, she got histerical and they had to sedate her, but not before she sent me over to check to see if you were ok." He offered as an explanation.

"Oh Liv. I need to call her, I guess I didn't hear when I fell asleep." She frantically began to look for her cell in her pockets.

"Don't worry about it. I called Munch. He's staying with her while I came looking for you. She's sedated, her blood pressure went crazy and she's still a bit weak."

Alexandra became pale when Elliot told her this. How could she have been so careless? Poor Olivia probably believed that something had happened to her.

"I'm so sorry. I never intended to…I…"

"I know Alex, I know. It's just that things are complicated right now." He looked at her intently, debating whether to confide in her without putting her in danger. Come what may, Alex had the right to know. He couldn't keep her in the dark forever, it would be too dangerous.

"What's going on Elliot?" Suddenly Alex once again wasn't Liv's girlfriend anymore but the ADA who he knew and respected.

"We've had a series of murders, at first it seemed like a routine case," He rubbed his neck and took a chair in front of Alex, "Rape-homicide, we began the investigation, the husband was conveniently on a trip, so given that he was to return on Sunday we went out to interview him. The door was open, we found him dead too. We found evidence that they kept a lot of money in a secure box. Two days later, through one of Finn's friends we got a tip. When we got to the suspects house we found the entire family executed and a small boy just barely alive. Ballistics came back with some incredible amount of data."

"What happened? Do they need legal counsel, you know that…"

Elliot cut her off. "No Alex, the ballistics showed that the weapon used to kill the Montoya family is the same that was used to kill you.'

"Oh." Alex opened and closed her mouth not knowing what to say. "That means that…"

"The hitter that they sent to kill you is on the loose. This case is related to Velez, Alex. We can't let you remain here." Elliot stated gravely. "Liv isn't aware of what's happening…

"No." Alex refused. "I'm not going anywhere without her. I can't! Don't ask me to!" She jumped to her feet and began to pace around from one end of the room to the other.

"Alex, it's too dangerous for you to be here in New York right now. El Fantasma, that is what he's known by, he's very dangerous. He doesn't know you're alive, but we can't take that risk, please. Do it for Olivia."

"Elliot, you try to understand me. I am not leaving Olivia, not now, not ever again."

Stabler opened his mouth to try to reason with Alex when the cell rang and Alex nearly jumped out of her skin. She answered it with a shaky voice.

—Hey.

"Alex, are you ok? Where are you?" Olivia asked frantically.

"I'm at your apartment, I fell asleep. I'm sorry that I didn't answer you. I didn't hear it."

"It doesn't matter, it doesn't matter now. Alex you're in danger, you need to hide, and he's in NY. Please Alex I beg you." Olivia pleaded in terror.

"I'm not going anywhere without you Olivia." She exchanged a look with Elliot as she mouthed, "She knows."

"Alex." Olivia spat out. "Don't fight me on this. You're my whole life, don't you understand that? Without you I can't live. Please." Olivia begged. "Please Alex, have Hammond take you some place safe."

"NO and that's final Olivia, I'm on my way back. I don't' intend to leave from your side ever again. It was a mistake that I don't intend to repeat."

"Alex!" Liv practically yelled through the phone. "Please baby, do it for me."

"It is for you Liv, for you." And she hung up.

"Take me back to the hospital; we have to make some plans. If Olivia wants me to hide I will, but with her, not alone."

Elliot agreed, he knew how stubborn Alex could be and he knew Olivia would do anything for Alex. Just then his cell rang. "It's Liv."

"Answer it if you like tell her we're on our way." She responded in a no nonsense manner. She had made her dicision.

"Fine."

On the way to the hospital Alex took out her cell and dialed a now very familiar number.

"I need your help and I need it now."

"I told you that if you came back you would be left without federal protection." Hammond responded brusquely.

"I'm not the one that got out of the WPP, you were the one that brought me here or did you conveniently forget? I didn't sign anything, not even an agreement."

"What do you need?" Hammond sighed, after all it was true.

"Olivia and I, she's still very weak, we need to transfer her to Wisconsin withint the next 24 hours."

"Cabot we are not…"

"I'm not asking you for a favor Hammond. Just make it happen." She said in that icy tone that everyone knew her for and feared.

"I'll see what I can do."

Alex raised an eyebrow when she noticed that Elliot only starred at her in surprise.

"What? He knows he doesn't have an option. He brought me back to Manhattan without the proper channels and without clearence."

"He did it because I threatened him."

"It doesn't matter." She shrugged.

Elliot was going to open his mouth but decided to remain quiet. Perhaps it was for the best.

"We'll be landing in Miami in 10 minutes Mr. Velez." The steward for the private plane announced.

"Thank you."

Cesar Velez turned towards his girlfriend.

"It's show time baby." He said with a wolfish grin.

The dark woman only smiled to herself. Yes it is Cesar, yes it is. It's revenge time for you Livia, my love.

To be continued…I promise

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