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Sodapop's Fear
I was bawling like a baby and I didn't care. If any of the guys wanted to rib me about it, they were welcome to. Not that I really thought they would. Steve looked almost as upset as I did, which was kind of a surprise. I mean…I knew him and Pony didn't really get along, even though it was like he'd actually been making an effort to be nice to my brother lately. He kept looking down at his hands, still shaking, and I remembered how he'd been sitting on the floor, hands red, his back against the counter. I remembered how Dally had been sitting back, watching the paramedics sit with my little brother…the pool of blood growing under Ponyboy's back. They'd stabbed my baby brother.
They'd told me they were taking him into surgery first thing. Sitting in that ambulance beside my brother had been the scariest thing I'd ever done, and I felt for Darry who'd had to do it the first time. Nothing dramatic had happened…I'd thought it would be full of yelling and pounding on his chest, but the paramedics murmured directions to each other as they sat by his sides, Steve and I crammed in the back against the door, sitting at his feet. "Keep pressure." That's what they'd said several times, holding my brother on his back and holding a rag to his lower back. Another had sat by his face, the woman, fiddling with the mask over his mouth and holding his wrist, looking concerned but not flat out terrified like I was.
As soon as we'd gotten to the hospital, the woman had rolled him away while the man had turned to me, dropping a hand on my shoulder. "He has to go into surgery. We believe that knife hit his kidney. He's lost a lot of blood. You can wait in there." He'd pointed toward the waiting room, running off between the closing doors, being met by doctors who took a chart from his hands as he listed off words like 'bp' and 'heart rate' and 'transfusion.' Words I'd wanted nothing to do with.
Darry had put his arms around me as soon as he'd burst into the room, finding me in a chair beside Steve and holding me close. I'd been bawling since the ambulance, so I doubted I could stop now. He'd dropped into the chair beside me, keeping an arm around me and rubbing my back. My kid brother couldn't be dead. He couldn't be. He read poetry for fun, damn it! He sat on our porch and watched sunsets and had nightmares about fire and I had to hold him for almost an hour to get him to calm down...he wasn't the kind of kid to get involved with shit like this, except they'd attacked him and he'd just been trying to save Johnny! And as soon as I saw him again…as soon as Ponyboy looked up at me and told me in that voice he used when he was beyond sick of being asked that he was okay, I was gonna beat the ever living shit out of Eric Jacobs. Hell, I might even kill him. But not yet. First, I had to make sure my little brother was okay.
The social worker, the guy from before, Adam Summers, was actually pretty cool. He'd showed up when the cops had, after Dally had brought Johnny up, and after Two-Bit had somehow known to come. I'd guessed Dally had gotten ahold of Tim somehow. For a minute, I'd thought Dally was gonna go after them socs, but Darry had asked him to stay, even though he hadn't said so outright, and so Dal had dropped into a chair with the rest of us, camping out in the waiting room until the fuzz and that social worker had showed up. Right before all those people came, Darry had tried to get a nurse to talk to him, but she hadn't had much information, just that Pony was in surgery. Something about his kidney. I knew it hurt like hell to get punched in the kidney, so I hated to think of Ponyboy getting stabbed there. Could they fix it? Or could you live without one? Why the hell hadn't I paid attention in biology?
Mr. Summers, or Adam, as he asked us to call him, ushered us over to a secluded spot in the waiting room while Dal and Steve talked to the cops and Two-Bit sat by himself, watching it all silently, his jaw tight, his chin against his chest. The social worker had leaned with his elbows on his knees, looking genuinely worried, which was kind of weird. Even though our usual lady was okay, I never got the impression that she'd actually be upset if something happened to one of us. "I just heard about your little brother. I'm so sorry…have you heard anything?" This was a good sign. I'd been afraid he was just going to haul me off and then I'd have to punch him in the face. Then they'd really take me away from Darry.
"No." Darry had cleared his throat, shaking his head. "They took him back to surgery less than an hour ago. He, um…they got him in the kidney, according to the nurse, but she couldn't tell us anything else. That guy, Eric Jacobs, had been bugging him at school. I asked him to stay home the rest of the week. I was worried they were gonna hurt him at school." His voice broke a little and I knew he was fighting real hard to hold it together. That was more than I was able to do. "He was just looking for Soda." Darry sounded like he was begging, but I didn't know for what. I'd flinched at that last part. If I hadn't gone to help that guy with his car, I would have seen Ponyboy. I would have been with him. I wouldn't have let them hurt him.
"I was working…I left the station to help some guy with his car…me and another guy from work. He needed a jump and called us. I…I should have just stayed." I'd all but sobbed, hating myself for being such a baby but knowing that it wouldn't stop until I knew he was okay. Adam had nodded slowly at me, exchanging a glance with Darry. I knew he didn't get it. I didn't know if even Darry got it.
I wasn't good with words like Pony. He was smart, smarter than I'd ever be, and I was so proud of him for that. Still, I couldn't really explain myself very well, even though when I talked to my brother, he always got me. And I knew he felt the same. He'd said it before, back when we were kids and he'd been mad at our parents or Steve or someone for something. He'd turned to me when I'd come in, sitting on the bed and dropping a hand on his shoulder. "You get it, Soda. You always get it."
He wasn't like the rest of us…even Johnny, who was different, wasn't quite the same, but I didn't care. He was my baby brother. He liked poetry and sunsets and read too much and dug movies. He was too smart for his own good, but always had his head in the clouds. He had nightmares, first about things he couldn't remember, then one about a fire that scared me to death. I remembered him waking up a few nights ago, actually sobbing against me, begging me not to send him back to the fire. As far as I knew, Ponyboy had never been in a fire in his life, but for some reason, he'd dreamt about one almost every night since he'd gotten home from the hospital.
Now, with my little brother in surgery for the second time that month, having lost too much blood…it was like I wasn't okay either. It was like I was the one being cut open. It hurt, but in my chest, like it was being cracked open. My heart ached, and every once in a while, the thought would sneak by. What if we lose him? What if I never see my little brother alive again? Part of me was in that room with him, and if he didn't make it, that part of me would be gone, too.
"I'm going to head back to the office. Let me know if you need anything." Adam murmured, holding out a card to Darry, and he took it, thanking him quietly. I hated hospitals. They were too quiet, or too loud, when nurses and doctors ran by, trying to save people's lives. People died here. My little brother could die here.
Darry led me back to our seats as Dally and Steve finished up with the police. They had nothing to ask us…we hadn't even been there. I hadn't even been there. This was my fault. If I had just been in the garage where I was supposed to be, I would have heard. I would have seen him. I would have protected him.
"What if he dies, Dar?" I asked suddenly, the words falling out before I could stop them, and I closed my eyes as soon as they were out, dropping my head against Darry again. My brother didn't answer. I don't think he could.
"The kid ain't gonna die."
"Why weren't you with him!?" I snapped, glared at Dally's meager attempts at comforting me. "Why the hell didn't you go with him to the garage, huh? Was getting a pack of smokes that important? You couldn't wait a few minutes? Was it too much trouble, huh? Was watching my kid brother too much of a hassle for cool Dallas Winston?" Steve elbowed me hard, then.
"Quit, Soda." To my surprise, Dally didn't say anything, just clenched his jaw and glared down at the ground. "You know it ain't his fault."
"It's mine." The quiet voice from beside Dally made me pause and I turned to Johnny, honestly confused, the anger melting away.
"Johnny, it ain't…"
"I didn't go with them 'cause I was still upset with Pony about…well, it don't matter what. I was upset and I didn't go with him. If I'd have been there, I would've walked back there with him, and I could have helped him."
"He told me to tell you it was worth it, Johnny." Steve mumbled then, cutting in. I felt Darry stiffen beside me, and I wiped my eyes, turning to look at my buddy. Johnny just shook his head, but Steve went on. "He kept asking if you were okay…it really freaked him out, when those socs almost killed you in that park. He wanted me to tell you that it was all worth it." Steve shrugged, uncomfortable. "That's what he asked me to say before he…before he passed out." Dally jumped to his feet then and stormed over to the wall, bringing back a hand and slamming it into the wall, the wallpaper cracking around his hand.
"Shit!" He screamed it, his voice hoarse, and the nurses at their desk all paused for a second, looking worried. He didn't say anything else though, just touched the place with the hand he'd punched it with, his head falling forward as he slumped against the wall, and they all went back to their business. For a second, I thought about approaching him…but he might swing around and punch me next, considering what I'd said about it being his fault, so I just kept my mouth shut.
Despite everything, I somehow managed to fall asleep, barely dozing but still asleep until Darry was shaking me, squeezing my arm. "Wake up, little buddy. Come on." He mumbled, and I sat up, rubbing my eyes and glancing over at Steve who was leaning against the wall, mouth open as he slept. If we weren't in a hospital, I would have dropped something in his mouth. At the moment, though, my attention was caught by the doctor walking over toward us.
"Time is it?" I mumbled, sitting up and stretching.
"Almost ten." He told me, standing and shaking the doctor's hand. The doctor nodded to me, glancing at our friends who were all asleep in the chairs around us.
"Mr. Curtis, your brother just came out of surgery. We have him sedated but he should come out of it by tomorrow morning at the earliest. He was running a fever, but we have him on fluids and antibiotics."
"Um…can we see him?" Darry asked, running a tired hand through his hair, squeezing my shoulder.
"It would probably be best you went home and got some sleep. He shouldn't wake up until morning."
Darry stiffened, his hand on my shoulder tightening a little. "We ain't going home. I want to see my brother." The doctor nodded slowly, glancing at our friends.
"Family only." He warned. "I can take you to his room."
Darry nodded, grabbing Two-Bit's shoulder, shaking him. "Wake up, man. They're gonna let us see Pony." I did the same to Steve, and Two-Bit groaned, rubbing his neck and nudging Dally who woke up immediately, looking around in confusion.
"What's going on? He mumbled, scratching his head. "The kid alright?"
"He's out of surgery, Dal. They're gonna let us see him." Two-Bit told him softly, then shook Johnny, telling him the same thing.
Steve looked up at me blearily, grunting a little when I shook him, the others standing around us. "Pony's out of surgery, Steve. They're gonna let us go to his room." Immediately he was up, pushing himself out of the chair and shoving his hands in his pockets, staring at the doctor expectantly. The man cleared his throat, turning to Darry.
"I'm sorry, gentlemen, but at the moment it is family only." The doctor reminded us, something I fully intended to ignore.
"They're family." Darry told him dryly, and I lifted an eyebrow, crossing my arms, both of us daring him to argue. Around us, our friends stood, all rubbing their eyes tiredly and looking worried. Nodding slowly, the doctor turned and we followed him down the hallway past the nurse's station and through the double doors that led toward the patient rooms. I stuck close to Darry, the guys walking behind us, until we finally reached his room, the doctor talking the whole way.
"We had to remove your brother's kidney. There was too much damage for us to repair. We will have him on antibiotics and pain medication for the next few weeks, although if he wakes up and is eating on his own by tomorrow, you may be able to take him home as early as Sunday. He will be sore and will need to be on bed rest for at least a week." I smiled a little. He was gonna love that. Glancing at Darry, I knew he was thinking the same thing. He smiled faintly, shaking his head. But we'd keep him in that bed if we had to tie him there.
The doctor opened the door to his room and all thoughts of tying him to a bed vanished. Darry reached out, gripping my arm, and it was a good thing because it felt like my legs might give out. He was so pale…he looked dead. A mask was over his face, once more helping him breath, tubes sticking out of his arms and going to the bags on poles that surrounded him, wires going from under his shirt to the machine next to him. It beeped steadily, telling me that his heart was beating. His chest barely seemed to move…for a minute I thought he wasn't moving at all. Darry squeezed my arm, almost holding me up, and I took a second, taking a deep breath then stood upright, realizing that I'd been leaning on him almost completely.
He had a black eye, and his lip had been split. A bruise covered his cheek from what I could see, and I remembered Dally telling us that Randy had hit him. It wasn't bad enough they'd stabbed him…Randy had to punch him in the face too. Other than that, his face seemed whiter than the sheets he was laying on. I was gonna kill him. Darry let go of my arm, glancing over like he was making sure I wasn't going to fall, then moved over to Pony's side, not touching him but just standing. I joined him, leaving our friends by the doorway, and the doctor said something about visiting hours which I ignored. If they wanted me out of this room, they'd have to tie me up and drag me.
I reached out and took his hand, then reached out to brush his forehead, moving the hair there and flinching when I felt how hot he was. I squeezed his hand gently, trying not to disturb the tubes whose jobs I didn't know. "He's hot, Dar." I mumbled, rubbing my thumb over the back of his hand. Darry moved to his other side, running a hand over our brother's hair.
"He has a fever, remember?" Steve asked, coming up behind me and touching my shoulder. I didn't respond and he took a deep breath, reaching out and tucking the blankets more firmly around him. He always got cold when he had a fever, alternating between throwing off his blankets and begging for them back, grasping around in the dark. More than once, when both our parents were at work, I'd sat by his side, tucking a blanket around him and running a hand through his hair.
Right after our parents had died and he'd started having nightmares, we'd done the same. He's curl up under the blankets and shake while I wrapped a blanket around him, rubbing his back and telling him it was going to be okay. I wanted to do the same thing now. I wanted him to hear me while I told him it would be okay. And he would believe me because I was his big brother and he trusted that I would make things okay. And if I couldn't make things okay, I'd get Darry and he would make things okay because he was our big brother. That's how things worked.
Johnny dropped into a chair by the door, and Dally slid down the wall beside him, crossing his legs and leaning against the wall. Two-Bit and Steve both came to stand beside us, Steve putting a hand on my back and Two-Bit putting a hand on my little brother's shoulder. "He's gonna be fine, isn't that right, kiddo?" He asked gently, squeezing my little brother's arm. "He's just resting for now. Huh, Pone? Man, are you gonna be pissed when you wake up. You'll be back in bed for a week. No smoking for you either, I'll bet."
"You got that right." Darry mumbled, taking my brother's other hand. I just stayed beside Pony, not wanting to sit or even move. I wanted my little brother to wake up. I needed my little brother to wake up. Soon. They'd said sometime before…maybe he'd wake up in the morning. I could stay up that long. I didn't have to work in the morning, and Darry was off the next day. We'd just stay until he woke up, then Darry could take him home on Sunday. Probably. The doctor had said that we might be able to take him home Sunday, if he was feeling okay and eating by then. "You guys can go home if you want." Darry told the guys, clearing his throat a little.
"Not a chance, Dar." Two-Bit grinned a little, patting Ponyboy's shoulder gently, glancing over at Steve who nodded, his hand firm on my back.
"Yeah, man. It's not like Two-Bit's got a job to go to, and we never go to school anyway." Darry chuckled quietly, and Dally snorted behind us. Glancing back, I grinned at Johnny who halfheartedly smiled back.
"We'll get the kid home by Monday and everything's gonna be fine." Dally spoke up, reaching up and punching Johnny in the arm.
"We'll have to reschedule the rumble." Steve reminded us, but Dally shook his head.
"There ain't gonna be a rumble." He told us, and I turned back to my brother, brushing his hair back again and pressing my hand against his head. The others all turned to him, waiting for the shoe to drop, but he just smiled a little. "Tim's gonna take care of those socs. I guess by the time the fuzz gets to 'em, they'll be happy to be off the streets. Tim said to holler if you two need anything."
"Thanks, Dal." Darry mumbled, and I turned my attention back to Pony who hadn't so much as stirred. "He just got out of surgery, little buddy, remember? He ain't gonna wake up for a while. I'm gonna go see if a nurse can bring us some more chairs." He tilted his head toward Johnny who'd taken one of the only two chairs in the room, but Two-Bit pat my brother on the shoulder then moved past us.
"I'll take care of that, Dar. You two stay with Pony. Steve, wanna help me out?" Steve nodded, leaving us alone, or as good as, because Dally looked like he was on his way back to going asleep and Johnny had dropped his head back against the wall.
For a long moment, Darry and I were silent, both of us holding one of Pony's hands, and every once in a while I leaned in and pushed his hair back. "They won't let him go to school. Walking around town is dangerous. Hell, he can't even walk from the freaking DX to the garage out back!" I fought the urge to slam my hands down onto the bed, but I was scared I'd mess up one of the tubes or wires that, for all I knew, were keeping my kid brother alive. "What the hell, Dar? What's he supposed to do? Hide in the house forever?"
Darry shook his head, leaning in and propping his elbow on the bed. "Pony should be able to tell the cops who stabbed him, even if they don't believe Dally. Without Randy or Eric around, those other socs should lay off pretty fast."
"What if he can't tell the cops it was them?"
"Then we'll take care of those socs ourselves." As much as I agreed and wanted to kill those socs myself, I knew that if we got caught, not only would we go to jail, we'd probably never see Pony again. Still, it was tempting. They thought they were tough, beating up a 14 year old kid. Let's see how they fared against me and Steve.
"Don't even think about it." Surprised, Darry glanced over at Dally, and I turned to him, confused. It wasn't often that Dally wasn't up for hunting down socs, especially ones that had messed with our friends. He ran a hand through his hair, glancing up at Johnny. "Pony needs you two. Let Tim take care of it. You know he likes beating up socs."
"We don't need Tim getting in trouble on our account."
"He can fend for himself. Besides, he likes the kid." He shrugged. "For now, just stay with the kid. He'll want you to be there when he wakes up." Darry just nodded, giving me a look that probably matched my own for surprise. Dally must have been really freaked out.
A few minutes later, Two-Bit and Steve came in carrying two folding chairs each and plopped them down by my brother's bed with an annoying metal screech. Darry gave them a dirty look, but Pony didn't even stir. My heart sank. I would have rather that woke him up. He looked dead. He looked worse than he had on that stupid pain pill that had knocked him out for so long. He'd have to take more pain pills now…right? He'd had surgery again, but this time they'd taken a kidney out. That had to hurt.
I mumbled a thanks when Steve pushed a chair over to me, sitting down at my brother's side and keeping a hold of his hand. At least when he woke up, I'd be there. He wouldn't be scared. He wouldn't be alone. He'd been alone when those assholes had attacked him. They'd stabbed him in the back and…
"You alright, Pepsi cola?" Darry mumbled, and I glanced up, sniffing hastily and wiping my eyes.
"Yeah." I swallowed hard. "I'm fine."
"He's going to be okay." I nodded, praying he was right. Steve pulled his chair over to me, patting me firmly on the back. I appreciated him coming. I knew he didn't always get along with Pony, but I also knew that the two of them had been getting along better than usual lately. Anyway, I knew he didn't want anything bad to happen to Pony. Every one of our buddies had our backs, even if I was pissed at Dal at the moment.
It had been an honest mistake. Who would have thought that Pony would be in danger just walking back from the gas station to the garage? Dally had thought I was back there. He wouldn't have left Ponyboy alone if he'd thought my brother was in any danger. It had been an honest mistake…an honest mistake that had gotten my little brother stabbed.
Two-Bit pulled a metal folding chair over to Steve's other side, leaving one for Dally who climbed to his feet and put the chair against the wall beside Johnny. I sat up straight, seeing the two of them slumped against the wall, wiping my face again and rubbing my thumb over the back of Pony's hand. It was going to be a real long night, but I certainly wasn't about to fall asleep before he woke up.
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