~* Reasons to Live For *~

Epilogue I - Birth

3 standard months after Order 66

She had been in the kitchen with Parja when it had happened.

Parja had been stirring the gihaal soup for dinner - to serve fewer people tonight, as Ordo, Kal and Gilamar were out in Keldabe for a few days sourcing equipment for Uthan's lab - and Besany had been peeling potatoes to add to the leftover stock for Fi's meal, as he couldn't stomach the pungent fish soup. Parja said it had something to do with the Kaminoans, and Besany didn't press. She'd been feeling waves of dull pain in her middle all day, which she attributed to having eaten too much of the spicy dishes they'd served the night before, and wasn't really in the mood for conversation. She was content to listen.

Parja had made an off comment about how she could never get the smell of raw fish off her hands whenever she made it, and then Ka'ra gave a huge kick and Besany's water broke.

She gasped at the sensation of what felt like water running down her legs – but not, thicker than water, some distant part of her brain concluded – and she dropped the peeler in shock. Parja said something to her, but Besany couldn't seem to hear properly. Her blood was pounding in her ears; her hands fell to her belly and all she could think was not now, I'm not ready, Ordo's not even here.

Oh, Gods.

She was having the baby.

Parja turned around. "Bez, are you even listening to-?"

Parja stared at Besany's legs for a slit second, her loose pants dark with wetness, and then had snapped into action faster than Besany had ever seen her before. She'd taken Besany's arm and led her to her room, calling out for Rav as she went. Besany gasped as another stab of pain hit her midsection, and she realised now that she hadn't been having stomach cramps all morning, she'd been having contractions. And now they were getting worse, because she was going to give birth.

She lay down on the bed, taking deep breaths, her heart still in her mouth. She wanted Ordo, wanted him to hold her and squeeze her hand, making her believe everything was fine, because he could always do that. Yes, she wanted him here. She'd made her decision. She was too scared to do it without him.

Rav came in, and gave her a look-over.

"How are we doing, then?" she murmured, oddly quiet. Besany was used to the no-nonsense, strapping, hearty attitude Rav usually displayed, and could see now Rav's more motherly side. She took more deep breaths.

"All things considered, I'm okay," Besany grit her teeth and braced against another contraction. Rav cocked her head.

"Mandokarla. But we've got a long way to go, yet." She stood up. "I'll have to call Mij'ika and Ord'ika. They'll have to drive fast to get here, but I reckon they'll make it in time. Can't miss this, now, can they?"

Besany didn't really have an answer, but Rav didn't seem to need one and left her with Parja, who was sitting on the end of the bed. She gave Besany a smile.

"Don't worry. We've done this before."

Holy Force, I'm having a baby. "So I hear."

Parja helped her change into more suitable clothes, and then she slipped under the covers and braced against contractions that grew more painful by the hour. She stared out of the window, and wondered where Ordo was right now, and if he knew how much he was going to have to deal with from now on.

Mij came back into the shop clutching his comm in one hand, just as Kal'buir finished haggling for a box of lab medical supplies. Ordo looked round at him as he entered.

"Everything okay?"

Mij clasped Ordo's arm, and rested his hand on his shoulder as the three of them left the shop. "Besany's going into labour. We're going home."

Ordo stopped walking, his mind suddenly wiped blank like a whiteboard. Cold, prickly adrenaline trickled down his spine, and his chest swelled as his blood rushed to his head. He couldn't form words for how he felt; everything jumbled into one and then vanished as he tried to seize it.

"What?" He managed to choke out.

Kal'buir was patting him on the back. "Let's get going. She can't wait forever."

They piled into the speeder just as Ordo's mind managed to grasp whole sentences again. Many of them started with 'what if' and 'oh, shab'. He didn't know what to do with himself, or where to turn his thoughts, and sat tapping his foot in agitation while his mind worked at twice the usual speed trying to figure out what to do when he got there and what to say and how he was supposed to be feeling.

How was he supposed to be feeling?

He'd ask Kal'buir. He'd done this before, three times. He turned in his seat.

"Kal'buir, what do I do?"

Kal patted Ordo's shoulder. "You'll be fine, son."

"I know, but what do I do?"

"When you get there, you'll know," Kal said, squeezing his son's shoulder. "Trust me, when you get there, you just know. It'll all fall into place."

For once, Ordo found his father's words did nothing to soothe his nerves. He recognised a level of panic in his gut, panic for Besany and panic for himself and panic for the baby. So many things could go wrong. He might not be there if they did.

But if he was there when something went wrong, he wouldn't be able to stop it anyway.

That was what scared him – helplessness.

He couldn't do anything for her but hold her hand and talk to her, and the realisation sank like a rock in his chest. He wasn't ready, he wasn't, he couldn't just-

"Son?" Kal'buir was looking at him in concern, and as Ordo turned to look at his father he caught his reflection in the mirrors of the speeder. He hadn't realised he'd gone that pale.

"Is she going to be in a lot of pain?" He found this thought was uppermost in his mind right now, and he wished it wasn't. The thought that Besany was, right now, screaming in agony made the rock in his belly sink lower and an odd kind of anger at nothing in particular race through his veins. He knew from experience that this was probably due to his fierce protectiveness of the ones he loved, and the image of Besany going through hell to deliver his child almost made him regret ever having made her pregnant. He almost felt sick.

Kal said nothing for a while, taking in the look in Ordo's eyes that was probably, Ordo thought, one of sheer terror. Then he said, "Yes. A whole lot of pain, and she's not going to be nice about it, either. Pregnant women forget their manners once the pain kicks in."

"Kal'buir-"

"Hold her hand. Hold her hand, son, and try to think of nothing else but the beautiful baby girl and the future. No, you won't be able to do anything to help her, and yes, you'll probably feel like screaming yourself. But the end goal is so, so worth it." Kal took Ordo's shoulders and gave him a little shake. "Be strong."

Oh, shab…

Six hours later, Rav finally managed to get Besany to eat something.

In between contractions, Besany conceded to some nerf steak and vegetables, pausing only to get her breathing under control in time to groan as each wave of pain hit her. Parja was periodically sponging her forehead with an ice-cool damp cloth, which Besany found she appreciated more and more as time wore on. She had a few visitors, mainly Etain and Jilka, though Jilka seemed as though she was waiting for something to go wrong, poised to jump up and leave should Besany shriek. She lost track of time; it was just one contraction after the other, and one person after the other coming to see her.

Etain took over from Parja at one point so that Parja could stretch her legs and get something to eat. She smiled ruefully as Besany closed her eyes against another contraction.

"This brings back a few memories," she said. "If you like, I could use a little Force magic to help with the pain."

Besany looked at her. "Is that what you did with Kad?"

"No," Etain shook her head. "I didn't want to feel it any less. If that makes any sense. I wanted it to be as real and visceral as it could be, so I could understand what I was doing, for Darman, for all of us. So I'd never forget it." She gave a quiet laugh. "Not that I could, anyway. Maybe next time…"

Besany leaned back into the pillows and took more steadying breaths. She hoped Ordo wasn't too far away now. She missed him. "Then no, I don't want you to do that, because if I can't take it, I'll feel like I don't deserve being called Mandokarla and I don't deserve Ordo. Women have been doing this for millennia." She took another deep breath, and hoped she'd made the right decision. "Just because it's easy, I don't want you to. But thank you, anyway."

Etain smiled. "I know. But if you change your mind, just call."

"Can it really hurt any more than this?"

"Oh yes. A lot more."

"Great."

Rav came in, and proceeded to check Besany. Besany looked over at her.

"Is there any chance we could-?"

She stopped as a powerful contraction hit her, so painful she couldn't even talk through it. It felt like someone had taken both sides of her insides and pulled them away from one another, tearing, ripping, raw. She threw her head back into the pillow and tried to breathe, suppressing a groan with every ounce of will power. It didn't quite work.

It subsided, after what felt like an age, and Besany found she was shaking and sweating, her arms weak. Etain sponged her forehead.

"We may still have many hours to go yet, ad'ika," Rav patted her knees. "Just hold tight. The others are on their way."

Kyrimorut was now about four klicks away. They were nearly home, and Ordo didn't feel any more prepared.

They'd stopped at the nearest town for Mij to see if he could find any painkillers. Ordo wondered if what they had would be enough; he had no idea what a woman in labour was feeling, and never would. He found himself worrying about the oddest of things; like if he would have time to change out of his beskar'gam, or if she would be hungry, or who else would be there. Kal'buir just kept patting his shoulder and telling him he would be okay.

When they pulled up, Mij jumped out and ran inside to get his medical bag. Kal clambered out and went to hug Laseema, who had come out to greet them.

"Hello, ad'ika. Where is she?"

Laseema smiled. "She's in her room. She sounds like she's in a fair bit of pain, but that's to be expected. Etain says she refused her help."

Kal shook his head. "She's crazy."

"She's trying to prove herself, Kal'buir."

Ordo watched as Kal shook his head again, but he was smiling. Laseema led him inside, but Ordo stayed sat in the speeder by himself for a while.

It was the middle of the night, and the lights from the bastion looked peaceful and welcoming in the crisp night air. It was hard to tell that there was anything out of the ordinary going on inside, that the whole family was waiting for the arrival of a baby that had survived through its father being in a coma to its whole family nearly getting shot down on the night of Order 66. Ordo didn't know if he was ready to be a father, but he'd find out anyway soon enough.

Just a little bit longer, then he'd go in.

Besany didn't actually know it was her screaming until Rav placed a cool cloth on her head with a gentle "Shhh, ad'ika." Mij was checking her dilation, something she wondered distantly if she should be embarrassed about, but was in too much pain to care.

She focused on breathing to a rhythm – one-two-three in, one-two-three out – and stemming her scream so she didn't wake anyone. Why she was worried about that, she had no idea.

Mij looked up. "You're about eight centimetres. A while to go yet, Bes'ika. Hold on."

Parja raised an eyebrow and lifted her hand, which Besany was gripping with white knuckles. "She's got that down already, Mij'ika."

Besany actually managed to laugh.

The stars were out.

The stars were out for the birth of his star. Ka'ra.

Ordo took a deep, steadying breath, and considered getting out of the vehicle now. Besany, his Bes'ika, was in serious pain, and he was sitting here panicking about what he was going to do. He needed to be with her. That much was certain. He always needed to be with her.

Someone tapped on the window, and he jumped. Mereel's face peered back at him through the transparisteel. Ordo unlocked the door.

All four doors opened, and all five of his Null brothers piled in to the speeder.

Mereel clapped Ordo on the back. "Better get in there, Ord'ika. You're about to become a buir."

"I know," Ordo sighed somewhat nervously and stared at his hands. "I just…" He shrugged, unable to find the words for the fear and emotion swirling inside, and puffed up his cheeks and exhaled loudly.

A'den nodded. "Can't blame you for being scared, Ord'ika. I, for one, would be terrified."

"I'd be shocked, because it would mean you slept with Besany…" Jaing nudged A'den, grinning.

Mereel laughed, but he looked sideways at Ordo. Then he squeezed his brother's shoulder. "Hey, vod'ika. You don't have to be there. She said she didn't mind what you wanted to do, as long as you were happy."

Prudii, in the back, leaned forward to clasp Ordo's other shoulder. "Do you want to be there?"

Ordo paused, and then nodded. "Yes," his voice was hoarse. "Yes, I do. It feels wrong thinking about her doing this without me."

"There you go, then," Kom'rk said softly. "You can do this, vod'ika."

Mereel smiled at his brother. "It can't be any worse than N'dian." Jaing groaned.

"Nothing could be worse than N'dian."

"But what happens when-" Ordo inhaled, then rubbed his eyes with his hands. "What happens when she's in so much pain I'd do anything to stop it? What if I harm my own child because it's causing her pain?"

"You wouldn't do that, Ord'ika." Mereel shook his head. "You love them both too much for that. You're not crazy."

"I can't stop her pain," Ordo whispered. "Can I?"

"No," Kom'rk shrugged. "But you can help her through it."

A'den ruffled Ordo's hair. "Now go on, ner vod. Just think of how she's feeling right now, waiting for you."

"We've got your back," Prudii said. "We always have done. You can come crying to us later when it's all over."

Mereel got out of the speeder, and went round to open Ordo's door. He offered his brother his hand. "Come on, Ord'ika. Time to give Kal'buir another grandchild."

As the other Nulls got out of the speeder to stand by Mereel, Jaing grinned. "And make us all uncles."

Ordo stared at Mereel's hand for a moment, then made his decision. He clasped his hand with Mereel's, and together all six Nulls made their way from the star-studded night sky into the warm, familial bastion where their future awaited.

His brothers stayed with him right up until he reached the door to his room. And then he went in.

She thought it was Rav 'Shhh'-ing her again, but this voice was deeper and much-missed–

"Ordo!" she managed to gasp. Then the wave of pain peaked, and she couldn't say much except shriek. She clutched Parja's hand hard and felt her nails bite into the woman's skin. She'd apologise later.

When she was able to open her eyes, Ordo was removing his armour plates hurriedly and stacking them on a chair in the corner. Rav dabbed at her forehead again, and Parja extricated her hand from Besany's to inspect the nail marks. Mij said something to Rav, but Besany didn't care what it was now. Her whole body ached.

Ordo settled down next to her on the bed and took her other hand. Parja looked grateful. He kissed her sweaty forehead.

"I'm here, cyar'ika."

The room was spinning. Besany felt nauseous. "This…is horrible."

Ordo buried his face in her shoulder. His proximity made her feel better; she always missed his closeness and she found right now that she needed him there.

Hours passed. According to the chrono, anyway – it felt more like days to Besany. The contractions came in stronger waves, more frequently, and each time Besany thought she was going to black out, the pain seemed to stop just before she could. Gilamar administered painkillers somewhere along the line, but she didn't notice much if they did any good. She was regretting not accepting Etain's help. It felt like she was being sawn in half; it was all she could do to keep breathing and hold on to Ordo with all her might.

She could tell that her screams were affecting Ordo, and at first she'd tried to stop, but by now she just couldn't. Each wave felt like she was being split in two.

Eventually, Mij said she could push. He and Rav switched places, and Rav's experienced hands helped her into a better position, with Ordo behind her so she could still feel him, still squeeze his hand. Parja took her other hand.

"Ready?" She turned to Ordo, breathless and shaky.

Ordo nodded into her shoulder, then kissed her there. "Ready," he whispered.

Besany was screaming, her face contorted with absolute agony. Ordo could feel her shaking violently and her breathing as her ribcage expanded against his; her hand was a beskar grip. He wanted to scream himself, but couldn't, so buried his panic in her shoulder and tried to tell her it would all be fine.

He didn't know what the rest of the bastion were doing, but it probably wasn't sleeping.

Rav was telling Besany, "Push, come on, almost there!" and Besany was almost sobbing against him. She let out a yell that almost deafened him, and he thought maybe he was going to be sick. Or pass out. He didn't think he was going to make it, hearing her like this. He didn't dare look up.

It went on forever. Pushing, screaming, Besany's sweat-slick shoulder pressed to his face. Rav, Parja and Mij said things to one another, but Ordo wasn't listening. Just as he thought he would never make it, that he would never do this again, ever, he would never make her feel like this again for the rest of their lives, Rav told Besany to push one more time, and Besany screamed, and then as it all fell silent the crying of a baby could be heard over Besany's quiet sobs as she collapsed, shuddering, against him.

Ordo didn't dare look up for a moment, instead kissing Besany and fighting waves of relief and sheer curiosity, but when he heard movement from Besany's other side he couldn't help himself.

Parja, Rav and Mij were standing, admiring a small, blanketed bundle with appreciative smiles. Rav nodded.

"That's a very healthy baby girl, all things considered."

Rav walked over to Ordo, and he stood up off the bed, letting Parja settle Besany back down with pillows, and then Rav helped him take the bundle and showed him how to hold it.

And he looked down on his daughter's face, and was filled with so much wonder and love, he burst into tears.

"Ka'ra," he whispered, stroking the side of her face with his thumb gently. He looked up, and through his tears he saw Besany watching him. She was crying, too. He sat down on the bed next to her, and as Rav and Mij tended to Besany he took in the tiny being in his arms. He couldn't ever remember being that small.

He let Besany hold her, and after an age of crying and laughing at the same time and sheer emotional outpouring, they were left alone as Rav, Mij and Parja left with towels, buckets, sheets and various bags.

Besany rested her head on his shoulder. "She's perfect," she whispered, wiping tears that didn't seem to want to stop. Ordo kissed her hand.

"I thought I was going to die," Besany said, shaking her head slowly.

"I thought I was going to die." Ordo buried his face in her hair, breathing in the smell of his wife for the first time in what felt like millennia. He could barely comprehend half of the emotions swirling inside him right now, but he didn't think he wanted to just yet. Looking down at her, at his Ka'ra, he couldn't have felt prouder or happier.

Besany kissed him, on the lips, and he lost himself to the pull of their shared joy, and they both started crying all over again.

Eventually, Besany could barely keep her eyes open, and he'd taken Ka'ra from her so that she could lie down and sleep. He knew he'd be passed out soon, too, but wanted to stay awake with his baby girl just a little bit longer.

He didn't know what to do, but he started by talking to her. He didn't know what he was saying, it was just anything he felt like telling her, because one day she'd be old enough to know what a difference she'd made to his life.

As he looked down at her fondly, Ka'ra opened one eye and stared up at him with big, dark orbs that broke his heart. He started crying again.

Besany stirred. He'd thought she was asleep, but perhaps his talking had kept her up. He smiled at her. "She has your eyes, Bes'ika."

Besany smiled sleepily. "Your hair, though."

Ordo shook his head firmly. "No, it'll go blonde. She'll look just like you. I can feel it."

"Okay," Besany mumbled.

She fell asleep, and Ordo found he was hopelessly lost holding his daughter. She'd captured his heart, just like her mother, and he was head over heels all over again.

When it got lighter outside, Kal'buir was the first one in. He took in the sight of Ordo and the baby, and he dissolved into tears. He ruffled Ordo's hair, and cooed over the bundle of blankets, careful not to wake Besany.

"Can I hold her, son?" Kal's voice was hoarse with emotion. Ordo nodded and handed her to him.

"Oh my…" Kal'buir whispered. "She's beautiful."

"Kal'buir…you were right."

Kal looked up. "Oh, I know. I've been a father three times. I know what I'm talking about, son." He patted Ordo's cheek. "You look exhausted. I'll take her for a walk around the place – sunrise is just in a few minutes – and you get some sleep, okay? I mean it."

Ordo felt washed-out and shattered. He didn't really have any objections. "Okay, buir. Just…bring her back."

Kal laughed. "Always."

As the door closed, Ordo fell back into the pillows and snuggled up to Besany, throwing his arm around her and resting his face in the crook of her neck. She shifted slightly in sleep, and then wrapped her arms around him and pulled him close.

Then he fell asleep.

…

That made me cry. The single most emotionally exhausting thing I have written in my life.

Let me know your thoughts. Please.

A huge, huge thank you to SerendipityAEY for her amazing, generous and very, very helpful insight into giving birth and all that surrounds it. I couldn't have written this without her!

Epilogue II (final one! :O) – Five Years Later.

We're almost at the end. What a journey…

~TheLightIsMine