25

I mill through the cafeteria, looking for Tris until I hear Zeke's voice calling out to me. Tris sits at a table with him and the others and I make my way through the crowd, trying to ignore the plates of Dauntless cake that beckon me to skip out on the meeting I have planned.

I lean down over Tris, a hand on her uninjured shoulder. "Sorry, I can't stay," I say. I see Tris's eyes flicker to my knuckles, which is split and still bleeding. I had just gone through my fear landscape again. I need a clear head going into the meeting, and thought that was definitely the quickest way to get it. It always had been, I would face my fear and feel a strange calm.

But this time my fears were a little different.

I bend my neck close to Tris's ear. "Can I borrow you for a while?"

Tris gets up and murmurs a quick good-bye and when Tris turns Zeke gives me a quick, mischievous wink. I smile a bit and shake my head.

"Where are we going?" Tris asks.

"The train," I say. "I have a meeting and I want you there to help me read the situation." We walk to the path that will take us up and into the Pire.

"Why do you need me to-" she starts, but I cut her off.

"Because you're better at it than I am."

She doesn't say anything after that. Either because she understands that I need her quick mind and instincts, or she's confused as to what we are even doing. We pass the fear landscape room, and I try not to look at it for too long.

"Did you go through your fear landscape today?" Tris asks me. I look down at her but can't bring myself to make eye contact.

"What makes you say that?" I ask. I open the door of the Pire to stagnant summer air.

"Your knuckles are cut up and someone's been using that room."

"This is exactly what I mean. You're far more perceptive than most." I look down at my watch. "They told me to catch the one leaving at 8:05. Come on." I didn't quite answer her question, but she knows she's right. And she is perceptive. That's why I'll never be able to keep her out of the fighting. She'll know what I'm doing… and, she is a great fighter. I push the thought away from me. I don't want to think about her in a war that I know is coming.

"Perceptive enough to know you're evading the question," she says.

I sigh, knowing that nothing will get past her. "Yes, I went through my fear landscape. I wanted to see if it had changed."

"And it has. Hasn't it?"

I run my fingers through my hair, not ready to talk about this yet but it seems I may not have an option.

"Yes," I say. "But the number is still the same."

It's getting dark, and we hear the train before we see it. The front light is not on, but I can see the shape of the train well enough.

"Fifth car back!" I yell, and we start to run. Tris goes first, Tris slipping and her foot almost catching against a wheel; her knee slides along the floor as she catches her balance. I spring in after her, heart pounding. I squat down next to her, hoping she doesn't notice my shaky breath when I speak. Here, let me see." I push her jeans up to look at her knee. While I look down, I can feel her gaze on me.

I think back to the first time we were on a train like this one. How things were so simple. How I knew, watching her gazing out of the boxcar door that she was going to be someone important to me. I look up at her after examining the scrape on her knee.

"It's shallow. It'll heal quickly," I say, wishing I had something to stop the bleeding, but it'll clot soon enough.

She nods and rolls the jeans so they'll stay up on her leg. She lays down on the floor, and I look down at her. She looks even smaller sprawled out. But only in her stature, I've only known her a few short months and I can already see a difference in her features maturing. Dauntless has toughened her, made her stronger, taken away some of her youthful innocence. I wonder whether she thinks of that as a good thing or not.

"So is he still in your fear landscape?" she asks.

I see his face in my mind's eye, and it feels like a bolt of lightning running through me. "Yes. But not in the same way."

But his simulation wasn't even the worst one this time.

"You're in it though." I can't look into her eyes, because in my head I see the light dying out of them. "Instead of having to shoot that woman, like I used to, I have to watch you die. And there's nothing I can do to stop it."

I don't try to keep the shaking from my breath, and it's spread from my lungs to my hands. I can't steady them. My legs feel like they're about to burst into flame, and I wish I could just sprint next to the train, find a way to get this nervous energy, crackling like fire, out of me. She says nothing in response, and I know it's because there's nothing she can say that would be both true and reassuring. Tris may not be cut out for Candor, but she knows better than to try to tell me comforting things when I already know the terrifying truth: that we might not make it to next summer alive.

I look down at my watch, trying to distract myself. "They'll be here any minute."

We stand and in a flurry, Edward and Evelyn are in the train car with us.

"Hello," Evelyn says, her eye contact making me squirm.

"Nice meeting location," I say. The train turns, but not toward Erudite, towards the abandoned buildings.

"It seemed safest," Evelyn says. "So you wanted to meet."

"Yes. I'd like to discuss an alliance." I know it's not exactly what everyone will want, but at this point, what choice to do we have?

"An alliance," Edward says, practically spitting the words. I remember the bright and bouncy boy I met early on in the initiation process. That boy is dead, factionless life has changed him. "And who gave you the authority to do that?"

"He's a Dauntless leader," Tris says, her confidence giving me strength. "He has the authority."

Edward looks impressed, but my mother looks more like she's… amused.

"Interesting," she says. "And is she also a Dauntless leader."

"No," I say. "She's here to help me decide whether or not to trust you."

Evelyn presses her lips together. "We will, of course, agree to an alliance… under a certain set of conditions," she says, tilting her chin up, not letting my low blow about trust bring her down. "A guaranteed- and equal- place in whatever government forms after Erudite is destroyed, and full control over Erudite data after the attack. Clearly-"

"What are you going to do with the Erudite data?" Tris asks before she can continue.

"Obviously we will destroy it. The only way to deprive the Erudite of power is to deprive them of knowledge."

Knowledge is power, and that's why Erudite seems to have it all. But, if we were to share the information, wouldn't it make us all stronger. Whatever we become after Erudite is taken down needs to be strong, but I decide to table that for later.

"What would we receive in return, under those terms?" I ask.

"Our much-needed manpower, in order to take Erudite headquarters, and an equal place in government, with us."

"I am sure that Tori would also request he right to rid the world of Jeanine Matthews," I say quietly. She told me the story of her brother, and I know that Tori would thank me for bringing this up. She deserves her revenge.

"I'm sure that could be arranged," Evelyn says. "I don't care who kills her; I just want her dead."

I look down at Tris. She doesn't look particularly pleased, but she doesn't say anything either.

"Then we are agreed," I say, putting my hand out in the air. Evelyn takes it and we shake.

"We should convene in a week's time," she says. "In neutral territory. Most of the Abnegation have graciously agreed to let us stay in their sector of the city to plan as they clean up the aftermath of the attack."

"Most of them," I say, knowing who would not be considered part of this majority.

Evelyn gives me a look. "I'm afraid your father still commands the loyalty of many of them, and he advised them to avoid us when he came to visit a few days ago." She gives me a rueful smile. "And they agreed, just as they did when he persuaded them to exile me."

"They exiled you?" I ask. "I thought you left."

"No, the Abnegation were inclined toward forgiveness and reconciliation, as you might expect. But your father has a lot of influence over the Abnegation, and he always has. I decided to leave rather than face the indignity of public exile."

I have no words. I can hardly think.

She… didn't want to leave me.

Edward looks over at Evelyn. "It's time!"

"See you in a week," Evelyn says. The train is down on ground level again and the two of them disappear like shadows, leaving Tris and I alone in the train once again.

"Why did you even bring me along, if you were just going to make an alliance anyway?" she asks, her voice annoyed.

"You didn't stop me."

"What was I supposed to do, wave my hands in the air?" She looks up at me, angry and frustrated. "I don't like it."

"It has to be done."

"I don't think it does," she says. "There has to be another way-"

"What other way?" I ask, folding my arms, shielding myself from falling into another fight with her. Shielding myself from the way it tears me apart every time we disagree. Which has been happening a lot lately. "You just don't like her. You haven't since you first met her."

"Obviously I don't like her! She abandoned you!"

"They exiled her. And if I decide to forgive her, you had better try to do it too! I'm the one who got left behind, not you."

"This is about more than that. I don't trust her. I think she's trying to use you."

"Well, it isn't for you to decide."

"Why did you bring me, again?" she asks, folding her arms too and I wonder if she's mocking me, or copying me without noticing. "Oh yeah- so that I could read the situation for you. Well, I read it, and just because you don't like what I decided doesn't mean-"

"I forgot how your biases cloud your judgment. If I had remembered, I might not have brought you."

"My biases. What about your biases? What about thinking everyone who hates your father as much as you do is an ally?"

"This is not about him!"

"Of course it is! He knows things, Tobias. And we should be trying to figure out what they are." I feel red hot anger inside of me again. I hate seeing her as an enemy, but right now she's talking like one. She can decide to trust that snake, but I never will. And out of the two of us, I definitely know better about this.

"This again? I thought we resolved this. He is a liar Tris."

"Yeah?" she fakes shock on her face. "Well, so is your mother. You think the Abnegation would really exile someone? Because I don't."

"Don't talk about my mother that way."

"Fine." She walks to the door of the car. "I won't."

She jumps out first, and I go after her. She doesn't look back, but walks straight for the Pire and disappears inside. I don't follow her.

I lay down in the grass, trying to hold in my anger. I rip grass out of the ground and wish Tris could see what I do. Marcus is the snake, the one that will trick and deceive and lie and kill us. Evelyn, I thought this whole time she left me to bear Marcus's wrath alone, but she was exiled. She would have stayed with me if she could. She's the one we should trust. The one who can help us.

I stare up at the stars and despite my anger wish that Tris was here looking at them too. I wonder if she's ever done it. In Abnegation, we wouldn't do something so silly and indulgent as sit outside when there was work to do indoors, sleep to have so we could rest up to help others. And her days in Dauntless have been so limited, so intense. Her few nights under the stars have been spent in extreme, focused stress.

Except maybe the night we played capture the flag. I wonder if she saw them then.

A summer breeze floats along the wind and I close my eyes and imagine myself high up, looking over the city, standing on a giant wheel that makes no sense to me, but turns Tris into something alive and beautiful. Something that for a moment, turned her into a star that I got to see up close.

Hey everyone, and happy holidays! Sorry that my uploading has been lacking, my first semester of college was BUSY! But, with the holidays I hope to write more and get more involved with you all! Check out my profile for some fun ways that I hope will help me connect to you all more. As always, thank you so much for reading, your support and enthusiasm mean the world to me 4