Two Slayers— One Heart (Version 3.0): Part 25
Rose:
Okay… I was definitely digging this Sh'rin chick! She was just… plain… neat!
(And let's not forget hot!)
It even got my mind off of Mom, for a few minutes, at least.
But not for long. I ate when the pizza came, ate well— Willow, being as used to "hungry Slayer appetites" as Giles was, ordered a ton of stuff to eat, and I ate my fair share and maybe someone else's.
I just didn't really enjoy it, and Monical's is my favorite pizza place ever.
After eating, I sat in Elaine's arms and worried— at least until Sh'rin came over and knelt beside us. (We were on the floor in front of the loveseat.)
"I see you hurt," Sh'rin said, touching my hand. "I do not like. I… you are Rose Fire-hair, you… oh, stupid words.
"Listen… for all of you, the Guardians have own names. Names that tell us who you are inside. See?"
At that point, everyone started listening, but I don't think Sh'rin noticed.
"I understand," I said. "What's mine? Rose Fire-hair?"
"No I say that because not see it before, and it… beautiful, your fire-hair," Sh'rin said. "Guardian name for you… wait, must not say wrong. I . . yes. You are the Undefeated. Not for never losing battles, for all lose some battles, even the Prime.
"No, is for not ever saying you defeated, ever letting anyone else say they defeated. Not say defeated, not truly so— see?"
"I see," I said, smiling at her. "Thank you, Sh'rin."
"I say because you look so hurt, so afraid," she said. "So I must tell you secret thing. I have seen some past this now. I have seen future from now. And I know something that make you feel… Undefeated.
"Your mother… she will be well again! She will survive her hurt, Rose Fire-hair, will find her strength to… to take her hurt and make it strength. Do you see? To take hurt and make angry for strength… it is what you and Kelly have for both. It will be faster than you believe, longer than you like— but you help. I tell you rightly, you give her strength, both by meaning and without meaning.
"She will be well. She will be happy again. She will love again, see love in her own face. She will be like you.
"Undefeated."
I blinked tears from my eyes, leaned forward, and hugged her for all I was worth— and she gave back just as good. Then Elaine hugged her, got the same full-strength hug back.
Then Faith said, "Hey, we all got names from these Guardians— what's mine?"
"I will tell all," Sh'rin said, standing. She walked over to Faith, stood looking up at her. "You are the Renewed. You have found your self again, renewed yourself. Made you whole again."
"Damn," Faith said, much softer than usual. "I… thanks."
Sh'rin just smiled and nodded, went to Buffy. "You are the Prime. It is right so. Without you, none others be here. You are first among powerful. Prime."
"Thanks," Buffy said, and blushed.
"And you, Xander who still sees," Sh'rin said, walking over to him. "You are the Heart. You pull many through hurt, by seeing their hurt with your heart and giving that heart to them to use for their strength."
"Uh… that's a lot to live up to," Xander said.
"You cannot help do so," Sh'rin said. "Is who you are."
"You are the Unexpected," Sh'rin said to Brianne, the blind Slayer, touching her hand lightly. "You will surprise all here, even you. You… never do things how most do them. Never like to do so. You are Unexpected."
"I can handle that," Brianne said. "Thank you."
Sh'rin turned to Vivian, the girl who had been emotionally abused. "You are the Gentle. Always you will fight when the need is, but never will you like to hurt any who do not hurt others. And you… you will make complete the Unborn, who… is not here yet. Yet to meet him, all of you. But you will make him whole, Vivian, make him see that he is people. And you will gentle the hard things in him by caring— for you are Gentle."
Vivian blushed scarlet, ducked her head— but smiled a little.
"You, Sara," Sh'rin said to our smallest and youngest Slayer. "To you I say… there is life. There is hope. You will not hurt for always. These will be your family. Not to replace what you lose, but to stand in place for it, hold that place for it. Never to replace— only to make sure the place where family was does not close.
"With the love of these, you grow to your power as none before. You become the… oh, stupid words, will not make the English!
"You will stand between those who attack and you not fall. You will… change how it is to be Slayer to suit your need. You will Slay— but not first. First you get between others and stop. Make safe first, Slay only once others safe. You…." Sh'rin struggled visibly, then said, "You defend. You are— yes!
"You are the Defender, Sara— you will be. It is to be so."
"I… think I'd like that," Sara said, speaking for the first time since she'd said hi to us when introduced. "Thanks."
"You have— will have— earned." Sh'rin turned to Giles, smiled, and went to where he stood by the table. He looked… nervous.
"You… to call you the Watcher… not to say enough," Sh'rin said. "So much more in you than just to watch. You are… the Father. You love, care, watch over. Teach. All these things a father does— and you do them well."
"I… yes, well— um, yes, thank you." Giles took his glasses off, began polishing them furiously.
Sh'rin came and knelt beside Elaine and I again, smiled a merry smile, and said, "You, Elaine… you are the Dancer. In all things, you dance. You move to music always. Always the grace of the wind, in all things. You fight, you dance. You love, you dance. You move… you dance.
"And to see you dance… it is to see magic."
"You've been skewered, Elaine," I said, and turned to kiss her throat.
"Thank you," she said, almost whispered. "Thank you, Sh'rin."
Sh'rin stood, went to Willow. She bowed formally, straightened, and said, "You are wisest woman of your age. Your now. Yes, your friends have helped you be so, but you learned. You listened. You broke past pain of loss, pain of need… and learned from both. You have found your strength in love of those around you.
"You are the Wise. Say no word to argue! You are the Wise… and it is to be honored to know you."
"Yeah, but— I mean— that's not— I couldn't have—" Willow sputtered.
"Hush, Wil," Buffy said. "She's right. It's you. The Wise."
Willow hushed— and blushed.
"And your love… she is the Torch," Sh'rin said. "You may tell her. Always burning. Shining the way. Refusing to go dim. Living to burn. The Torch."
Willow nodded, dimpled, and stopped blushing.
"You, Dawn Summers," Sh'rin said, turning to Sunrise. "Someday, you pass me. I know. I like it so. To have student pass teacher… no greater wish can teacher have. You pass me, and I pass to you the blade. Then… you live to name. You make two ways one, make both strong, stronger than ever could be alone.
"You are the Bridge. The way that joins. To teach you, to make you see how to join, to give you ways to pass to others… I am happy, so happy I cannot say.
"You are the Bridge."
Sunrise blushed deeply— then hugged Sh'rin hard and tight before saying, "I look forward to learning what you can teach me, Sh'rin. Thank you."
"Most welcome," Sh'rin said. "I… Rose would you know the names we have for your family?"
"Yes, please," I said.
"For Kelly is only one name." Sh'rin looked at me, at Elaine, at Sunrise. "She loves all who need love, and who have good in them. She gives love even through horror and hurt that would break many. She gives herself, gives her love… she is the Mother."
"Yes," Elaine said, and Sunrise nodded firmly. "Yes, she is."
"She will be to all," Sh'rin said, while I sat and glowed on Mom's behalf— and Giles, probably because of the mental link between 'Mother' and 'Father,' blushed to match my name. "Laurie… never to stop learning, Laurie. Always she hunts for new things, new learnings. So she is the Seeker. She finds much that was unlearned, forgotten. The Seeker, this is your sister, Rose Fire-hair."
"Sounds about right," I said. "Thank you, Sh'rin— for all of this."
"Always welcome," Sh'rin said.
We all sat and talked for a bit after that, Sh'rin explaining about life in her time, the things she'd done for fun, the way she lived— it was interesting and educational in a way ordinary history could never be… because she'd lived it.
About eight, Kennedy came back, and Dr. Hodges came with her. From the moment I laid eyes on Diane Hodges, I knew I'd like her, because she didn't look like a doctor, or a psychologist. She looked like… well, she looked like one of those absurdly healthy ladies in their forties you sometimes see and just admire right away, because they take care of themselves, and they look confident, competent and capable.
Plus, she wore jeans and a loose, comfortable white blouse, not a suit or dress. Bonus points for that.
Her hair was brown, streaked with a gray so pale it almost looked white, her face lined with crow's feet and smile lines— and she'd made no effort to cover those lines. She was tall and lean, almost skinny, and I knew from looking at her that she loved exercise, the outdoors, and that she had some martial arts skills. Not like me, not… those weren't her first favorite skills, but she had them and she kept them sharp— you could tell from how she walked.
I bounced to my feet and looked at her, which she noticed right away. She came to me, looked me over, said, "You must be Rose. I'm Diane Hodges. I'm here to try and help your mother, Rose."
"I know I'm not a doctor or anything," I said, taking her offered hand, shaking it, then holding on for a minute, "but if I can do anything to help, I will. Anything."
"I'm glad you feel that way," she said. "I'll certainly need your help a few times— and some of those may be hard, Rose, hard for you specifically."
"I didn't kill Jerry when I had the chance," I said philosophically. "I didn't even cripple him, or tear off his dick.
"I can do the hard stuff, Dr. Hodges."
"Good attitude," she said. "But call me Diane, please.
"Rose, I want to talk to Giles and Willow for a few minutes, then I'll need to talk to you and your friend… Elaine, wasn't it?"
"Yes," I said, pulling Elaine to her feet. "Diane Hodges, this is Elaine Marshall, the girl I love. Elaine, Diane's going to help Mom."
"I'm with Rose, Diane," Elaine said. "However I can help, I will."
"Excellent," she said. "So… give me a few minutes with Willow and Giles. We'll call you when I'm ready."
She and Wil and Giles went into the study, and I sat back down with Elaine, realized I was shaking only when Elaine said, "Ssh, Rose. It'll be okay."
Sunrise sat down next to us, and I reached out to pull her close, too. She came, and she hugged and held me as tight as Elaine did.
"She'll be okay," Sunrise said. "It's gonna take a while, I bet— but your Mom, she's tough, Rose. I mean— look, being a Slayer's mom? Not for sissies. And Kelly dealt with it, really well. She's been super-supportive, even though the whole 'my daughter will be fighting demons' thing has to be scary for a mom.
"She'll get through this."
"I know she will," I said. "I do— but I'm scared of the stuff that's gonna happen between now and her being okay."
"That's just being sane," Elaine said. "It's gonna be scary, and it's gonna hurt. But you… you heard Sh'rin. Kelly does beat this. And you, Miss Undefeated, you don't let it break you, either. So… we deal. Me and Sunrise will help. Everyone will help. So… we'll get through it."
"Okay," I said. "Just… don't let go, guys, not right now."
They both held me tighter, and it was all right for a bit.
Then Wil stuck her head out and said, "Rose, Elaine? And if you want to bring Dawn for moral support, that's fine."
"Sunrise?" I asked softly.
"I'm here," she said. "Until you guys tell me not to be, I'm right here."
"Better watch it," I said. "That could lead to you seeing some things you might not want to see. Or maybe you would. But I bet you'd blush either way."
She blushed right then, and I laughed. She followed us into the study, and I sat between her and Elaine, facing Diane.
"All right, Rose," Diane said. "We're coming to a hard part right away, it seems."
"Tell me," I said.
"I've spoken to Giles and Willow, and they told me of your mother's initial reaction to being freed from the potion effects." Diane took a deep breath, pushed her hair out of her face, let it out. "It's… going to be hard on her to talk to me at first, and she's very likely to fight me— resist me, not attack me. I can deal— it's my job.
"But I want you to come upstairs with me— just you, for the moment— and be there when I wake your mom and Laurie. I want you to tell your mother you love her, introduce me to her— and then I'm going to need you to take Laurie and leave."
"I… Diane, I could stay," I said. "I could help, get her to talk to you faster, please—"
"No, honey," Diane said. "Rose… some of the things your mother said when she was first freed… 'I never did that, I never would have done that' and 'what did he make me do'— Rose, your mother is— entirely unjustly!— ashamed of some of the things she did with that bastard, for him, did because she was so completely… subverted by the potion he used."
"I know, I get that," I said, starting to cry. "But I don't blame her, I know it wasn't her fault, I know it was him, that shithead Jerry, I know—"
"Rose, your mother will need to talk about those things, and the sooner she can, the sooner she'll be better, the more chance she'll have of being able to get better," Diane said gently. "Now tell me… do you really think she'll be able to talk about things she did that she's that ashamed of in front of her daughter? Would you ask her to… deal with that?"
I sobbed hard, shook my head, understanding— and hating it.
"I know it's hard," Diane said. "And I know it hurts. But I know one more thing; that you love her unconditionally like this, Rose? That's going to be her greatest source of strength."
I nodded, then turned away and buried my face in Sunrise's shoulder, even as Elaine wrapped herself around me from the back.
"You take a few minutes to get this out of your system, Rose," Diane said. "We'll wait in the living room. When you're ready, we'll go up."
I sat, I cried, Elaine and Sunrise held me. I turned back and forth between them, and they never let go of me, either one.
Ten minutes or so later, we went out, I washed my face, and I went to where Diane sat, said, "I'm ready."
She stood, gathered Willow in with her eyes, and we went up to the third floor, and to the room where we'd put Mom and Laurie. Willow stood in the doorway, Diane at the foot of the bed, and I went to sit beside Mom and Laurie. Once I was settled, Willow said something too low to hear, waved a hand— and then backed out and closed the door as Mom and Laurie both opened their eyes.
"Hi, Mom," I said, struggling to sound normal. "Hey, sis."
Mom looked confused for a moment— then that sick, horrified look came back over her face, and I pulled her upright, hugged her hard.
"No, Mom, don't," I said. "I love you, I don't care about what happened— I love you! That's forever, and what someone else made you do doesn't change it, doesn't even affect it!"
I felt Mom shudder, stifle a sob— and I did what I had to do. "Mom… I need to introduce you to someone."
She jerked, realizing that someone else was here.
"Mom… this is Diane Hodges." I took a deep breath. "Giles called her, and she came to help. She's a counselor, and she knows about magic and how it can… be used to hurt people the way you've been hurt."
"Hello," Mom whispered, looking at the bed sheet, not raising her eyes.
"Mom… listen a second? Please?" She looked up at me, tried to meet my eyes, couldn't— and that almost sent me to the land of 'cries like a baby' again. "Mom… I know that you hurt. I can't understand how much, but I can know— and I do. I want— no, I need you to get better.
"That's gonna mean talking to Diane. Yelling at her, maybe. Screaming and crying and throwing things— acting like me when I was three or four, in other words." That got the tiniest upwards twitch of the corners of her mouth, and I felt a little, tiny surge of triumph at getting that. "So… I'm gonna take Laurie, and we're going to let you guys talk. Or whatever.
"I'll come back when you want, and when Diane says it's okay. But… you talk to her. Please, Mom?"
"I'll try, Rose," Mom said, not looking at any of us.
"Good," I said. "Sifu Archer has a saying that might apply, Mom: There's no penalty for failure… but lack of trying is its own punishment."
"I'll try," she said again, not sounding any more sure— but saying it. That was a start.
"Okay," I said. "Hug, lady. Me and Laurie, if your arms are long enough."
Mom hugged us both, didn't even notice that Laurie was crying silently, held on a long, long time— then let go.
"Can I still call you mom, Kelly?" Laurie asked in a tiny, scared voice as we prepared to leave.
"Always, honey," Mom said, her voice breaking. "Always."
"Okay," Laurie said. "Get better, Mom… please?"
"Okay," Mom said. She almost sounded… well, like she meant it. "See you in a while, girls."
"See you, Mom," I said. I hugged her once more, took Laurie by the hand, and led her out in the hall.
As soon as the door closed behind us, Laurie clapped both hands over her mouth to smother a sob— and I pulled her close, hugged her, started walking us away from the door to Mom's room.
Willow was waiting at the top of the stairs, and she looked at us, shook her head sadly, said, "Your room, Rose— I'll send up Elaine."
"And Sunrise, please," I said. "If she'll come."
"She will," Willow said. "I keep half expecting— well, she'll come."
I missed the 'half expecting' remark as I steered Laurie to my room, got her onto my bed, held her.
Sunrise and Elaine came in, laid down with us, and held us while we both cried.
After a little while, I fell asleep.