Tales from the Club Room
Episode 75: Angela in Wonderland-The final chapter
Author's note: I hope you all have been enjoying this brief yet rickety Segway before the season's climatic crossover arc with Kent Paranormal. Just as a side note, Kent Paranormal season 1 will conclude with an arc tentatively titled "To Kent a Predator" which will involve the titular alien being from the famous film saga. Thanks for your patience and cooperation on this story- Steve
The Red Queen sat and watched the video monitor. She had thought that the Mad Hatter had no way of removing the torturous ear bugs, but she forgot about his needles. As he jammed the large hatpin into his ears the bugs made a squee sound, he squished them under his pale fingers. He then turned to the camera and flipped the queen off.
"That's it; I have had enough with this bullshit!" The queen said and turned to her man at arms. "Stayne darling, be a dear and tell the axman to prepare the chopping block. Off with his head!" She shouted. Stayne raced off, he hated her when she was mad. More often than not he wanted to read the forbidden books of Manganan and play adult games of cards but she wanted him to stay away from Wonderland's otaku friendly past, and she wanted to fuck like a bunny all the time. Every fifteen minutes or so she'd make a comment on how she was hot for him or he looked good in that suit of armor. She was one horny bitch and he hated her for it. He was more attracted to the White Queen than he was her sister but he could not get away from her, or could he. Walking over to the axman's cottage, he saw a dodo bird sit on a gnarled, leafless tree. This dodo bird was wearing round spectacles; in his wing was a copy of a book "The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo" printed on the cover in raised blue letters. He was not of this world.
"You there, what part of Wonderland do you hail from?" Stayne said.
"Wonderland? No my dear boy I hail from Ohio, Coshocton to be exact. I take it you hate your job?" The dodo bird said placing a bookmark with a small man who had mushroom on his head in the book.
"Yes, how did you know?" the Knave said.
"Trust me the superdodo knows all. How did I wind up here you ask? I just float from realm to realm looking for ideas. I am a storyteller and one must always be on the lookout for good stories. Trust me, betray her, it will make for good drama. As for the axman, you can see him, but I doubt it will do any good. That Hatter is a wiley one; he'll get out of it. Anyway this area is boring, if you will excuse me I saw a nice perch on the mountains north of here and Steig Larsson and I are just getting comfortable. Tah tah." The Dodo said and flew off his wing still clutching the paperback. Stayne walked back to the castle to the dungeon and went to the Hatter's cell. He was resting on a tuft of straw.
"Psst Hatter? Hey, Hatter?" Stayne said. The Hatter looked up.
"Bugger off!" He said, and then heard the tumble of the lock opening on his cell. "What in the bloody hell are you doing." The hatter said as Stayne removed the prisoners bonds.
"Go to the White Queen, I am going to convince the big head to attack early, I don't know why, but her sister seems to have found her champion, I can feel it." Stayne said.
"May the Otaku gods shine upon you this day, good sir!" The hatter said and gave a V for victory sign. Stayne returned the gesture and raced upstairs.
"So it has come to this eh?" The Red Queen said as she sat in her plush throne.
"Yes m'lady, she had found her champion and wishes to battle as soon as possible." Stayne said kneeling down and propping his hands on his sword.
"Prepare the troops, if she wants to die, so be it!" The Red Queen said and got up to prepare the Jabberwocky.
"I am nowhere near the blasted castle, by now the queen will have decimated her!" The hatter said, it was then he looked up and saw a dodo bird sitting on an oak, a copy of Stephen King's "Cell" in his wing. The dodo was a blond color and had his head feathers wrapped in small ponytail and had a small tuft underneath his lower beak.
"I know a way there!" The dodo said and sat his book down.
"Really, how?" The Hatter said. The dodo pushed up his glasses.
"Take this mirror and set it on the ground, if you truly think about it, you will arrive." The dodo said and pulled a mirror out from under his bottom.
"How do you know these things?" The hatter said.
"The dodosniper knows many things. Speaking of things, have you seen my friend, he wears glasses and was reading a thick paperback?" The dodo said.
"No haven't seen him at all. Thanks for the mirror though." The Hatter said and sat it on the ground and jumped on it. He disappeared quick as a flash. Just then, the dodo with the glasses arrived.
"Lance, do you ever get the feeling that authors write themselves and their friends in their work too often," The superdodo said, "I mean what if what we are doing right now is all some whacko twenty-three year old college student's fantasy?" Lance and the superdodo looked at each other.
"Nah." They said in unison and picked up their books.
"The neat thing is that your undergarments turn into weapons!" The White Queen said as she observed Angela in her sexy maid cosplay outfit.
"My undergarments, like Panty and Stocking?" She said. The White Queen tilted her head in confusion.
"It's an anime where I am from; two angels fight monsters with weapons that manifest themselves from their undergarments." Angela said.
"You sure come from a silly place." The White Queen said just as a thud came from the courtyard. The doors burst open. Brushing leaves off himself, the Mad Hatter flipped his top hat off his head and watched it roll down his arm before catching it with his hand.
"M'lady, your humble servant awaits your orders." The Hatter said.
"Thank Miyazaki you are all right! Did she torture you?" The White Queen asked.
"A little Suzanne Vega ear bugs, but I got them out. We have a man on the inside." The Hatter said.
"Really, who is it?" Angela said.
"The bloody big head's right hand man. He told me he had a sixth sense you were ready so he's starting the battle early." The Hatter said.
"Bloody Hell!" Angela shouted.
"Now, now dear, you know what to do. Just believe in yourself and things will work out." The White Queen said, and then tilted her head to hear the goose-stepping of the Red Queen's army. "Ready the troops, this is our time." She said.
Angela stood in the wings watching the troops assemble; The Hatter had a shy look on his face, his chalk white skin in the Queen's candlelit chamber made him look ghostly. If it were not for his lean, strong frame, he would look like death warmed over.
"I want you to know that whatever happens, I will always be with you, always." He said. Angela walked up to him and looked him in the eyes.
"Could you spare a kiss for luck?" Angela said. The Hatter smiled. He pressed his mouth to hers, passionately kissing her, just like her Lance would.
"Battle Stations!" A small mouse dressed in a small chainmail cloak said. Angela stroked the Hatter's shock of blue hair and smiled. Together hand in hand they made their way to the battlefield.
The Red Queen stood at one end, her men dressed in blood red cloaks made by Vera Wang and armor designed by Alexander McQueen stood at the ready. The White Queen was at the opposite end her men dressed in simple armor and chainmail.
"Give up now sis, this otaku thing will destroy us all. Give up and submit to my will." The Red Queen said. The White Queen smiled as Angela stepped forward.
"I have my Champion, where's yours?" she said. The Jabberwocky made large thunderous steps towards the front. He was a large man; his face made him almost French looking. Angela recognized him immediately; he was the gang's sworn enemy, one that would never die.
"Not you again, didn't we kill you a few years ago?" Angela said. The Jabberwocky laughed.
"Never met you before in my life, I suggest we end this now." He said. The Red Queen raised her sword.
"Attack!" She shouted, and the battle began.
The Jabberwocky pulled a knife out from under his scaly thigh. Tossing it from hand to hand, he raced towards Angela. She dodged, somersaulting and landing on the body of a dead red cloaked solider. Angela slid her stockings down off her thighs and snapped her wrist. The two swords appeared in a flash of light she ran towards the Jabberwocky slicing two of the Red Queens men in half. Blood and viscera littered the grounds. Jumping in the air, she planted her feet on the Jabberwocky's chest. She raised her swords and slammed them both into his neck. The monster man made gurgling sounds from his neck throat. Slipping off her panties and snapping her wrist again, she pressed the gun to his head.
"Say goodnight, Kuchiki, again!" She said and pulled the trigger. Blood and brains spattered the battleground, the fighting stopped.
"No, not my beloved Jabberwocky!" The Red Queen shouted, she did not even notice the Hatter behind her. He sliced off her head with one swish of his sword.
"Off with your head, bitch!" The Hatter said and spat on her body. The Battle was over; good triumphed over evil and soon all would be normal. Just then, Angela's body began to shake uncontrollably. A voice called her in the distance, it sounded like her husband.
"Angela wake up, you need to get packed! The Jet leaves in less than twenty-four hours!" Lance said. Groggily she looked up, a piece of paper clung to her forehead.
"How long have I been out?" She said.
"Three hours, we got an early flight to Cleveland tomorrow, remember?" Lance said. Angela smiled weakly.
"Okay love, no need to get your knickers in a bunch." She said and looked at the papers in front of her; she read the title aloud to herself. "An analysis of Lewis Carroll's 'Alice in Wonderland', that explains everything." She said and went to the bedroom to pack.
Meanwhile in Kent, Lance James and his friend Steven Shroyer lay in their rooms, dreaming they were dodo birds who read books, not knowing what tomorrow would bring.