Directionally Challenged
Jack is trying to lead Blackbeard and crew to the Fountain. Unfortunately, he doesn't really know what he's looking for.
Jack: I swear, it's got to be around here somewhere.
Angelica: Maybe you should ask for directions.
Jack: From who? That tree?
Baggs: Or you could try looking a little harder. It's probably not going to be out in the open.
Jack: That's what I was doing, until you distracted me just now.
Baggs: No you weren't.
Scrum: Where haven't you looked yet? Have you looked under that leaf?
Jack: Yeah, the entrance to the Fountain of Youth is gonna be under a leaf.
He sarcastically lifts a leaf and looks under it. Then he sees the entrance to the Fountain of Youth.
Jack: Oh. There it is.
Scrum: What did I tell you?
Jack: I'm telling you to shut up.
A puddle jumps up and splashes Jack in the face.
Jack: Gravity is weird here.
The pirates go into a cave.
Salaman: Guys, this cave is awesome. Can we go to the gift shop on the way back?
Blackbeard: There is no gift shop. This is a random cave in the mid-1700's, not Disneyland.
Salaman: Well, then I'll just grab this stalactite as a souvenier.
Salaman breaks a stalactite off the ceiling of the cave. The cave starts to tip in the opposite direction because of the unbalanced weight, so the cave ceiling compensates by dropping a stalactite from the opposite side. Unfortunately, a random pirate (not Baggs, though) is standing right under the falling stalactite and gets skewered and dies.
Baggs: Nice going, Salaman.
Blackbeard: Told you we should have worn hard hats for spelunking.
Jack: We're not spelunking.
Quartermaster: Look on the bright side. With one less person to slow us down, we should be able to move faster now.
They move on through the cave. When nobody's looking, Salaman goes back and snatches up the other stalactite.
Salaman: Sweet! Two souveniers!
Soon the pirates come to a Dead End sign, and, directly beyond it, a dead end.
Jack: This sign speaks the truth.
Blackbeard: You mean Marcie really does love Tom?
Jack: Huh? Who's Marcie?
Scrum: Is she hot?
Baggs: Not as hot as your mermaid girlfriend, you big dunce.
Scrum: Where's your girlfriend? You don't have one, do you?
Angelica goes over to see what on earth Blackbeard is talking about. He's reading the graffiti on the back of the sign, where "Marcie and Tom" is written in red Sharpie inside a big heart.
Angelica: Yeah, that's definitely still true. Because everyone knows, once you profess your love in graffiti, your relationship can't possibly fail.
Jack: I was actually talking about this side of the sign.
He points, and Blackbeard sees the "Dead End" written on it. Then he sees that they have, in fact, come to a dead end in the cave.
Angelica: Jack, maybe you should have asked that grasshopper for directions.
Jack: Shut up, I know what I'm doing.
He snatches the chalices from Blackbeard and stands in front of the group.
Jack: Stand back!
Nobody moves.
Jack: Or don't. You signed the waiver, so I'm not liable.
He dramatically clangs the chalices together. And, dramatically, nothing happens.
Angelica: Jack, have you ever actually seen the Fountain?
Jack: Of course I have!
Angelica: Sorry, let me rephrase that. Have you ever been to the actual Fountain with your physical body in real life?
Pause.
Jack: What was the second stipulation again? There were a lot of modifiers in there and grammar never really was my strongest subject.
Blackbeard: Quartermaster, you know what to do.
The Quartermaster takes out a pistol and shoots it at Jack. Jack shields himself with the bulletproof chalices. The bullet ricochets off and destroys one of Salaman's stalactites. Salaman pouts.
Angelica: Wait, what's that on the bottom of the chalices?
Blackbeard: Jack, if you got grape jelly on my chalices, so help me…
Jack: I don't even like grape jelly.
Angelica snatches a chalice.
Angelica: These are instructions. It says, "To enter the Fountain, stand behind the Dead End sign and say the words, 'Aqua de Vida.'"
Jack: Oh. Maybe I should try that.
Angelica: *exasperated sigh* What is it with men and not reading directions?
Jack takes the chalices, sticks his tongue out at Angelica, and then reads the password off the bottom of the chalices.
Jack: Ah-kwa duh veeda.
Angelica: Your Spanish sucks.
Fortunately the Fountain isn't a linguistic elitist, and is able to understand the magic words even through Jack's garbled attempt at Spanish. Puddles start leaping off the ground and attaching themselves to the ceiling. An arrow appears on the wall, pointing up, next to the word, "This way to the Fountain."
Jack: If I'd known this was so simple, I'd have come ages ago.
Blackbeard: I thought you did come ages ago.
Angelica: I thought we already established that he didn't.
Blackbeard: Oh. If we did, I missed it. Must've been while I was polishing my mini handheld mirror.
Nobody even asks. Jack pokes at the ceiling puddle and gets sucked up through it.
Pause of awe.
Scrum: Who's next?
Here's another update! We're nearing the close, guys. I'll do my best to have another chapter up for you within the next two weeks! Reviews are most appreciated. :)