Days passed slowly so far from home. Galinda felt, after her time in Munchkinland and now more thoroughly in Quadling Country, she had been flayed of her habits. Habits that had taken up hours of the day. And so now, every day seemed longer.
She had stopped curling her hair. She realised it retrospectively. She was not entirely sure when she had stopped. Had she simply been carried away by the excitement of everything and forgotten? Had she even brought her straightener? She had no idea.
She stood in the bathroom staring at herself in the mirror. She turned her head this way and that, observing how the muscles moved beneath her skin, how shadows fell across her. All done up in her daily makeup as she was now, she felt like a marble statue in movement, hyperrealistic but not quite real. She hit a certain angle, and it brought out her jaw in stark relief, the thickness of her neck, the ridged column of her throat. Her chest seized, and she blinked, startled, and let her face fall forward. She made a mental note to never let anyone see that angle again.
She rubbed her eyes carefully with makeup remover, coated her face in cleanser, washed it with warm water and coconut oil. She observed her bare face. Freckles, pale lashes, blotchy rosy cheeks. She was not sure if she loved this face or hated it.
They had breakfast together at the table each morning. Shell - glued to his phone, as he was most mornings - cried out victoriously, and announced, "Rejjo says I can live with his family."
The table in general blinked confusedly at Shell. "What?" Elphaba asked.
"Rejjo, my best mate. I was talking to him about what I'm gonna do now since dad carked it. Said I could live with him."
Elphaba seemed alarmed. "And he has permission from his parents?"
"Of course!"
"That's great Shell," Galinda said with a smile. He grinned back happily. Shell had probably wanted to live with them for a while now.
"Yes, it is…" Elphaba murmured. She was looking at her plate, her expression peculiar. Galinda noticed Nessa staring at Elphaba with concern. Their eyes met - Galinda felt caught somehow - and Nessa's face became impassive.
Galinda decided to take over the dishes for that morning. Turtle Heart had taken Shell and Nessa down to see the waterhole, after they'd heard how wonderful it was from Elphaba and Galinda. Elphaba was making herself tea. She seemed distracted, not noticing the boiled kettle until Galinda pointed it out to her. She blinked. "Ah, thank you…"
"What's the plan with Nessa?" Galinda asked causally.
She saw Elphaba tense in her periphery. "What do you mean?"
"Her living situation."
Elphaba sighed. "Heavy conversation first thing in the morning. What fun."
"We don't have to-"
"No, it's… okay. I've been dragging my heels on the matter."
"To be fair, you've had a lot going on."
"I like to think I can handle it," Elphaba said quietly. She blinked. "But, Nessa." She continued after a long moment. "I suppose I'll have to take care of her in Colwen Grounds."
"... Are you really okay with that?" Galinda turned to look at Elphaba properly, fully registering what she'd said. "Wait, in Colwen Grounds? You'd move back to Munchkinland?"
"I'll probably have to," Elphaba said.
But what about me, Galinda wanted to ask. What about us?
What about them? They had only been in a relationship a couple of months now. And they had become more distant. Not that distant - not hugely or even largely - but enough to throw things into question for Galinda. What place did Galinda have, to demand any kind of commitment from Elphaba? She didn't, really.
"Your uni course…" But she'd been dissatisfied in her studies for all the time Galinda had known her.
"Honestly, I have no concern over that. I can go to university in Munchkinland. It'd be cheaper, in fact, since I'm actually a citizen of Munchkinland."
Galinda blinked at her. "You're not a citizen of Gillikin?"
"No. I'm there on a study visa. But it's easy for Munchkinlanders, since we're part of Loyal Oz. It's not too bad. If I were just a Quadling citizen, though…" Elphaba shook her head, as if shaking away the issue.
"Are you a Quadling citizen?"
"I am. So are Nessa and Shell."
"I see." Galinda stared into the soapy water. Elphaba remained motionless, leaning against the counter with her cup of tea between her hands. "Is that what you want?" Galinda asked quietly.
Elphaba laughed, void of humour. Just exhausted. "It doesn't matter. It really doesn't. Nessa is a disabled orphan, and a minor. And she's my sister. I can't put what I want above her."
Galinda drew in a breath. She tried to force a smile. She couldn't manage it at all - she just grimaced. "You're right." Galinda glanced up at Elphaba. She hesitated. "It's gonna be hard, having to travel to see you, with university…"
Elphaba's mouth fell open, and she did the worst thing - it cut through Galinda like a knife - she looked away, her eyes falling to the ground, not saying anything.
"Elphie…" Galinda stopped. She had too proud and scared to finish whatever sentence that would have been. She went up stairs the moment she was done with the washing.
Galinda woke up groggy. She hadn't intended to sleep, only to be alone. The blinds on the windows were down and the room was a warm half-dark. Was it already the evening? How much had she slept? Galinda turned on the bedside lamp and tapped her phone. It was only midday, thank god.
As she descended the stairs she heard conversation from the livingroom between Turtle Heart and Elphaba. She paused on the last few steps, eavesdropping shamelessly.
"... don't mean to sound callous. It's just honestly how I feel. I'm not sure how long I could stand staying with her."
"You should tell her, Fabala."
"It would crush her."
"Sometimes it is necessary to crush those we love."
There was a stretch of silence. "I'm glad she came on this trip."
"As am I. It has been good, getting to know her…" Galinda stepped into their periphery, and they sat up, their eyes snapping to her. Elphaba looked anxious. Turtle Heart smiled. "Galinda! Where have you been?"
"I was resting," Galinda murmured back, her eyes on Elphaba's.
"We were just discussing Nessa." Elphaba's eyes flicked nervously from Turtle Heart back to Galinda. Turtle Heart… she couldn't read him. She believed him, almost.
She sank into an armchair and forced nonchalance. "Oh?"
"We were talking about where Nessa could live," Elphaba said. She hesitated. "And who she would live with…"
"It does not need to be Elphaba, I think," Turtle Heart said to Galinda. She could kiss him for it.
"But what kind of sibling would I be, to abandon her in such a way?"
"You are a young sibling. It is not abandoning if you help her, if you stay in contact. As long as she is comfortable, is this not more important?"
"Of course-"
"And perhaps the most comfortable is not with you."
Elphaba squinted. "In terms of money, I'm not the best candidate, no. But I have the most experience taking care of Nessa."
Turtle Heart conceded with a tip of his head. "Still, my point stands." He glanced at Galinda. "What are your thoughts on this?"
Galinda crossed her arms over her stomach. "I don't think I have much of a say."
"This decision affects your future, does it not?" Galinda couldn't deny that. Elphaba shifted in her seat. "So you must have some say."
Galinda hesitated between the truth or a lie for Elphaba's benefit. She spoke haltingly, and straight to Turtle Heart, not looking at Elphaba. "I would prefer Elphaba didn't move back to Munchkinland, of course. Unless they really want to." Galinda couldn't help glancing at Elphaba then. She was glaring off into the corner of the room.
"Thank you for being honest," Turtle Heart said. Galinda nodded, crestfallen. "I do have one idea, though it may be impossible, the two of you would know better." He paused, then took a breath, pressed his hands together. "Nessa could live with me, under my care."
Elphaba and Galinda looked at each other at once. They'd obviously had the same thought; Elphaba voiced it. "She would never agree to that."
Turtle Heart hummed softly. "People can surprise you, Little Frog. But we must ask to let them, hm?"
Elphaba's eyes fell to the floor, her brow furrowed in thought. Galinda hoped, desperately, she could sway her stubborn sister.
They were going to the museum.
Galinda was dreading it. She was not exactly sure why. She knew it was partly because of the content of the exhibition, and partly because of the chisel that had been wedged between Elphaba and her. At least it felt like that to Galinda. She had no idea if Elphaba had any concerns about their relationship. She seemed intent on ignoring its existence. Galinda supposed she couldn't really fault her though; Elphaba was not in the clearest mindset or situation, and their relationship should have been more stable than this. Galinda should have been more stable than this.
They stopped at a restaurant within central Qhoyre for lunch before they hit the museum itself. Their public transport was impressive; Galinda had watched the documentary Elphaba had suggested, and so she had heard about the importance they had put on infrastructure. It helped that Qhoyre was far from overpopulated. Shiz had decent trains but they got packed during peak hour. The Emerald City, she had heard, was a nightmare in every possible way.
Turtle Heart walked them to the restaurant. Galinda barely avoided knocking into people as she stared up at the embowered buildings around her. Every part of the city was interesting, in fact, from the solar panelled paths to the street lights. It was a bit like she'd stepped into a utopian sci-fi movie.
In truth, the city was not as perfect as that. The documentary had looked at an ongoing clash between the city council and Qhoyre citizens over their use of geothermal power. Underground waterways were considered sacred within Quadling mythology across the entire country, and geothermal technology wrecked havoc on whatever water source it pulled from. Galinda saw posters for rallies and petitioners standing at path corners as they navigated the city. She was handed a flier about it.
They arrived at a barbecue restaurant. Nessa was immediately excited. "I haven't had Qhoyre barbecue in years! Elphie, when was the last time you had it?"
"Years," Elphaba remarked with a little smile.
As they walked in, Galinda was briefly confused by what exactly Qhoyre barbecue involved, never having been in any kind of Quadling establishment. Galinda perched beside Elphaba at the table they'd claimed, glancing around the interior curiously. There were plenty of decorations she did not recognize or understand. All of them, in fact. She was vaguely aware of Quadling cultural markers that existed in Gillikin, though they were mostly stripped of meaning, but none of them were here. She didn't recognize anything. This disconcerted her somehow.
Two waiters came by and set up a grill in the middle of the table. There was a buffet, an assortment of raw ingredients that Shell lead her through. "That's bluegill. It's pretty spicy. That's venison - it's in yogurt, so it's probably the most mild." Shell had snickered as Galinda went venison heavy. "That's croc stake. Those are really good. They're sort of spicy, it's more garlic." Galinda, at Shell's insistence, got some of the crocodile. And there was more. River bugs, shark, a huge variety of hunted pork, venison, and offal.
At the end of the buffet was a stack of flatbread, a huge tub of black long grain rice and piranha soup. "Father used to insist this would kill every bad thing in your body," Elphaba said as she got a bowl of the soup for her and Nessa. "There's this paste in it. Boq cried when he tried it. I wouldn't bother getting any."
"I can handle myself."
Elphaba arched a brow. "Right."
Shell pushed a bowl of rice into her hand. "Keep that close and you'll manage," he said with a smile. Galinda glared at him playfully.
Galinda watched Turtle Heart and Elphaba as they cooked for guidance. Most of it boiled down to just putting the meat on the grill, but some - like the croc steak - involved more. "You cook one side with the garlic mince-" this was off to the side amongst the condiments "- and then you turn it over and put the spring onions on the cooked side." Nessa got Elphaba to do it for her.
"No, you press the spring onions into the meat, between the muscles. See?" Shell demonstrated. "You cook both sides with garlic and onions."
"You want your onion black and your sear uneven? Sure."
"What about red paste?" Elphaba asked.
"On croc? You'll overpower the meat."
"I've always done the method with the garlic mince on one side," Turtle Heart said. Nessa and him shared a look. They managed to hold a surprisingly pleasant conversation about Qhoyre dishes compared to Ovvels. He even made her laugh at some point. Galinda and Elphaba exchanged looks.
They went to and from the buffet throughout the night, Galinda quickly swallowing her pride and sticking to the milder dishes. She'd been mocked repeatedly by the siblings for taking so long to eat everything. The crocodile was probably her favourite. Shell looked very pleased when Galinda told him as much. "It's my favourite too. And the offal."
"I can't deal with animal organs."
"Eating organs should be standard. It's pure human waste, throwing out so much of an animal," Elphaba said firmly.
"The texture is so weird, though."
Elphaba made some scoffish noise. It came off as critical rather than the kind of affectionate amusement Galinda would've preferred.
They slowly reached a point in the afternoon when everyone was done eating and had become restless. There was an unspoken decision to leave. "I'll pay for Shell and Nessa-" Elphaba began, effectively hiding any frugal anxiety she was certainly experiencing. Turtle Heart cut her off with a confused laugh.
"Of course not. I will pay for everything."
Elphaba blinked. "No, we couldn't -"
"I will pay," he said to her, firm and gentle. "You are young and it is well within my means. Young people should not have to pay for their own adventures, hm? Not at your age. No. I will pay."
Elphaba sat and struggled with herself. Galinda automatically placed her hand on Elphaba's thigh. Her fingers twitched. They exchanged ambiguous glances.
Galinda found the whole situation bizarre. She couldn't stand this confusing tension between them. This confusing everything. She had never experienced such an opaque relationship, the wrong and worst kind of mysterious.
Perhaps it was their age. Turtle Heart paying for them - she loved the man more and more - had reminded her how young they were. How young Elphaba was.
Turtle Heart payed for their entry into the museum exhibition on top of that. They received a booklet and an optional headset with commentary and exposition - Turtle Heart and Elphaba both took the additional content. There were disclaimers for confronting images and videos.
The exhibition was a black-walled maze of images, videos and objects related to the infamous war between the Wizard and Quadling rebellion. The very start of the exhibition was about Quadling Country before and after occupation by the Wizard.
Galinda had some vague impressions of what exactly had gone on in Quadling Country, but admittedly, she hadn't thought about it much. She couldn't quite believe the things she was seeing and reading. Not that she doubted any of it - how could she - but it was so far beyond what she expected. She had known there was slavery, to some degree. She had not known how horrific it was. She had not known about the camps, the massacres, the genocide. She had not known the other, more subtle tactics, just as disturbing. She had not known, or not considered, the destruction of culture.
The most confronting piece, the one that caught Galinda, was a painting. It was a an oil painting in the style of the old masters, and depicted Quadlings standing around a mass of graves. They leaned on shovels, their clothes soaked through, her heads tilted down. In the background - and this is when it got her - was a huge house. On the balcony of the house, painted in six marks or so, was a Gillikin man watching them.
It was all a lot more than Galinda had prepared herself for. It was fascinating to learn, in the way all tragedies are fascinating, but it was only fascinating while you were detached. Standing in that building in Qhoyre reading the gory details of how evil Gillikin had been, Galinda realised she was not detached. She had no idea how her attachment manifested in the here and now, only that it must manifest, or else she wouldn't feel so guilty and uncomfortable. She wished she had asked Elphaba more about this.
This self awareness - or self consciousness - built as they continued on. The ignition of the war, how it was won, the costs, the rewards. How Quadling Country had fared. Galinda had been taught that the Quadlings won through sheer numbers, but that simply didn't line up with how effectively Gillikin's occupation had reduced the population. The Quadlings had won through pure tactics.
Qhoyre itself had served as the last bastion, where they had used local knowledge of the Quadling Kells to push the Gale Force back and out into Munchkinland. The city had subsequently received a large portion of the reparations, and had become the urban, ultra-modernised powerhouse of Quadling Country. Ovvels, having not been razed to dust as Qhoyre had, became the cultural heartland of QC.
"Enjoying the exhibition?" Turtle Heart asked idly. Galinda felt suddenly stiff around him.
"Yes. It's… confronting."
He smiled - sort of - at her. "Then it must be important, hm?"
"Yes," she said quickly. "Yes, of course."
Elphaba was bright eyed and righteous once they emerged from the exhibition space. She spoke restlessly to Turtle Heart. "I'd read about most of these things in my own research, but the exact numbers - and the indentured servitude that went on even after they were officially out of Gillikin occupation, I hadn't come across that."
"It's a fantastic exhibition. One of the best you'll find, Galinda - I hope it will inspire you to do further reading."
The group - the room, it felt like - looked at her. "I'll have to. I was already thinking I'd wished I'd looked it up sooner…" She became flustered at their expressions. "I simply never thought to. It's the last thing that was talked about in a family like mine."
Elphaba made a face. "I can imagine. Your family is awful."
"Yes," Galinda said quietly, her chest twisting at the thought of them.
"You can't believe what they were like when we went to visit," Elphaba carried on casually. "We went up for Emerald Week. We had to leave early because -" Elphaba, thankfully, had the sense to pause here. "Well, because they were awful. Fiyero, our Vinkan friend, was telling me these racist horror stories about when he'd been dating Galinda…"
"You date men, too?" Shell asked. Galinda blinked at him.
"And her dad is a hunter. A hunter!" Galinda's chest twisted again, and her stomach dropped, with guilt and a kind of reflexive defensiveness. "They were the picture of - all of this - this whole exhibition. The exploitation. The arrogance. The lack of empathy. I can't think of how else Gillikin was capable of this. And Gillikin continues to do it to the fauna population. From the exploitation of labour to the limitation of education - it's the same shit as a hundred years ago. And there's still people insensitive enough - cruel enough - to hunt! It's barbaric."
Galinda pressed her hands to her stomach. "Elphie," she said quietly. Elphaba peered at her. "Could we change the topic, please?"
Elphaba was too fired up to stop. "Why? It's true. I know you don't care that much about these issues, but they're real and they're important. Fauna don't get to the change the topic and pretend they aren't real."
"It's not that."
"People like your parents still existing is evidence of how little Gillikin has grown as a society."
"Elphie-"
"You don't need to defend them. They were awful to you. I can't understand how parents could throw out-"
"Shut the fuck up, Elphaba."
Everyone froze. Nessa and Shell's wide eyes flicked between Galinda and Elphaba. Turtle Heart was shocked into silence. Galinda became immediately queasy with guilt. And anger. She did what she usually did in that situation; she left.
She pushed herself out of the museum, into the fresh air where she could calm down. She sat beside a water feature. No layer of coins at the bottom. Her telling Elphaba to shut up replayed in her head. She pressed her hands to her face and gave a kind of sighing groan. She'd never snapped at someone like that. Well, at her parents, once. Pfannee, a few times. But not in ages.
This trip, all of it, had drawn things from Galinda she didn't know she had within her. Confronting was the exact word - the perfect summary for all of the weeks since they'd left Gillikin. Everything was so different. Galinda had grudgingly admitted to herself that she did not deal with different well. Her parents, her upbringing, had been the enemy of different. It had taken her almost a year to convince her parents she would be fine moving to Shiz. If they'd found out she was in Quadling country, they'd probably fly out to save her. She'd still never been to the Emerald City because of her parents attitudes.
But she loved them despite that. She still loved them, somehow, and hated it.
"Are you alright?"
Galinda's head snapped up. Shell and Nessa were standing there, looking at her unsurely. "You're not crying, are you?" Shell asked with a kind of dread. Nessa glared at him.
"No." Galinda looked into the water. "Not yet."
"I'm sorry about Elphaba. As usual." Nessa studied her for a moment, then looked at Shell. "Go find Elphie and Turtle Heart."
"They're having one of their weird intense talks."
"Then go look at the gift shop." Shell frowned. "I want to talk to Galinda," she said firmly.
"Whatever." He gave Galinda a quick hug then went off sulking.
Nessa gave her a wry twist of the mouth. "I didn't think you were capable of getting that angry."
"I try not to make it a habit," Galinda murmured. She moved her hand to Nessa's back as she sat, but it was unnecessary - Nessa knew how to sit. Nessa glanced at her, an invitation to talk. Galinda hid her face again, sighing. "I just… wish they hadn't gone on about my parents."
"Oh, so that was the issue." Galinda looked at Nessa. "I wondered if it was because of all the anti-Gillikin sentiment."
Galinda became embarrassed. "Well. I admit, I'm not sure how to react to that, but that doesn't really make me angry. I understand it a lot more now, hearing about what they… what my country did." Galinda paused. "It didn't help," Galinda admitted. "But, no, I think it was the parents that really pushed it. I have a complicated relationship with them."
"Elphaba said… well, I thought she said-"
"They threw me out," Galinda said with a thin smile. "Disowned me completely, in fact."
There was a stretch of silence. "I'm sorry that happened. It must have felt..." She didn't find anything.
Galinda shrugged. "It felt pretty bad."
"I'm sure," Nessa said, clearly unused to consoling people. Galinda didn't hold it against her. Who would she have had to console?
"It was more stressful than anything," Galinda went on. "I never realised how much I relied on them, even living out of home. No medical insurance, no money for tuition - even small things like emergency contacts. I was tied to them in so many ways."
Nessa's eyes flickered down. "I do know how that feels," she said quietly.
"I bet." She realised where this conversation could go, and was unsure she should take it there. "You're a lot more vulnerable than I am, too. Do you, um, have any thoughts on what you'll do now?"
Nessa looked lost for a moment. "No," she said, her voice small. "I think I'm just hoping Elphie has an idea."
"That's understandable. Elphie is your guardian." Galinda hesitated, then decided it was good advice, ulterior motives or none. "Your life is ultimately in your hands, though. You can make your own choices, you know?"
Nessa peered at her. She looked thoughtful. "Yes… yes, I know."
"What do you think you might want to do?"
Nessa pursed her lips as she thought. "I honestly don't know. I'm not sure I could live in Colwen Grounds. It's too big," she said, struggling. "Too much."
"Mm." A beat of silence. "Do you want to stay in Munchkinland?"
"Where else could I be?" Nessa asked, a rhetorical question.
Galinda answered it just the same. "You're a citizen of Quadling Country." Nessa looked away from her. "I just mean - you have options," Galinda said quickly. "I remember you saying you considered Colwen Grounds home, rather than Munchkinland."
"That's true. I have always liked Quadling Country more." Nessa smiled to herself, not a happy smile but a kind of tired, sardonic pull of the mouth. "No, more like… I've always felt trapped between the two. But being here has been nice. It feels so familiar. And it reminds me of dad." Her voice changed her, and she took a breath, cleared her throat. "Before he was sick."
"Maybe this would be a better home," Galinda said, and meant it genuinely, independent of her own wishes. Mostly. Nessa nodded silently. "It's something to consider."
"Yes." Nessa glanced at Galinda. "... Thank you," she said a bit stiffly. "I admit, I did not expect to ever have such a conversation with you."
Galinda laughed a bit, rolled her eyes. "Well, neither did I."
"And I'm sorry, really, about Elphaba."
"You having nothing to be sorry for," Galinda said, waving her hand. "Elphaba is an adult. And so am I." Though she rarely felt like one. "We'll talk about it. We'll be fine."
She hoped. She really hoped.
Galinda wished Qhoyre's trains weren't quite as fast as they were.
To say the ride back had been awkward was a very generous understatement. Galinda and Elphaba could barely look at each other. Shell, the loveable idiot, had attempted to lighten the mood before realising the mood was well and truly dead. Turtle Heart was unreadable, flashing her smiles that didn't quite meet his eyes. Galinda was afraid she had lost his approval in some way or another. She felt a bit like she'd disappointed a father-in-law. Another father-in-law.
She would rather a longer, more awkward trip than having to confront what had happened. At least not yet. She wasn't sure she had the energy. She didn't have much choice, however; the moment they had arrived back, Elphaba had caught her. "Can we talk?" She asked. Nessa and Shell glanced at them as Turtle Heart ushered the siblings inside the house.
"Okay."
They went down to the small brick structure beneath Turtle Heart's house. Galinda had forgotten about it until now. "This is Turtle Heart's studio." Elphaba unlocked the door with an emergency key tucked beneath a brick. The inside was full of equipment, boxes of materials, and shelves of glass figures and sculptures. Elphaba switched on an industrial light in the corner. Clouds of fine dust wafted around her as she went about dragging a couple of chairs into the empty centre of the room.
Galinda sat down stiffly as Elphaba disappeared into a small second room tucked in the corner. She peered at the machinery around her; there were saws, a sanding machine and what looked like a furnace. Elphaba came back with hot drinks. "Coffee. It's instant, but... hopefully how you like it." Galinda sipped at it. Milky and just sweet enough, exactly how she liked it.
"Thank you." Elphaba sat. They just drank their drinks in awkward silence for a bit. What to say. Elphaba didn't seem very angry with her, but she had always been good at hiding her feelings. Galinda was tempted to make her struggle a little, force her to start this conversation for once. She bit the bullet. Elphaba would only do it badly, and Galinda would not allow herself to be petty.
"I'm sorry about what happened earlier today," Galinda said, sounding more polite than she had in months with Elphaba. Had things become that strange between them? "It was… aggressive and out of line."
Elphaba nodded. "You were angry?" she asked carefully.
"I was."
"What angered you?" She was studying Galinda. Galinda knew how it felt to be studied by Elphaba, it didn't quite make her nervous anymore.
"You were insulting my family and bringing up… personal issues. A recent issue that's still painful." Galinda forced herself not to make this a fight. "Even after I asked you not to."
Elphaba nodded again, her brow furrowed. "Well, I'm sorry. I didn't realise what I was doing… not that that's an excuse. I was callous."
"Yes," Galinda mumbled, her eyes on her lap. "Thank you for saying sorry, even though I acted so…" Galinda sighed at the memory again, her hand coming to her face.
"You've been holding a lot back, I think."
Galinda looked up at Elphaba. "Did Turtle Heart tell you that?"
Elphaba became sheepish. "Yes. Is it that obvious?"
"I could practically hear his voice in how you said it." Galinda cut her eyes away from her. "And you aren't one to notice that."
"No, I'm not," Elphaba admitted.
Elphie looked so troubled, Galinda couldn't quite stay cold at her. "I have been holding things back… but not as much as you. If you can keep it together with everything that's going on, I should too, right? Only I don't think I'm doing a good job. I'm just not strong like that."
Elphaba fidgeted. "It's not strength," she said eventually. "It's just… what I do. But it's not easy for you to hold things back, is it? Not the things that really matter. And I don't think it should be."
Galinda frowned over Elphaba. "And I'm guessing the same doesn't apply to you?"
"I think I'm burden enough already without broadcasting my woes," Elphaba joked.
"You're not a burden," Galinda said with feeling. Elphaba glanced away from her. Galinda put her hand on Elphaba's, imploring her to believe Galinda, for once. "I'm here because I want to be. For you. You're never a burden." Galinda felt her face twist despite herself. "Except when you are trying so hard to keep yourself from me."
"It seems I managed to overwhelm you anyway," Elphaba said.
"You don't get it," Galinda breathed, her hands coming to her face. "You just don't get it. You overwhelm me because you push me away. Because you don't tell me anything, Elphie." She couldn't keep it down, all her anxieties were coming to the surface. "Where are we right now? What are we? Because you haven't talked to me about it for weeks. I don't mind, you know, not kissing and - and not knowing things about you, not prying. Just make it clear. I'm trying so hard to be here for you, to be what you need me to be right now but I don't know what that is! And it's so stressful, Elphie. It's so exhausting."
Galinda kept her face in her hands, reining herself in. She was on the edge of crying and she really didn't want to do that right now. When her breathing was down from a stutter to a deep inhale and exhale, she felt Elphaba's hand cover hers. Galinda turned her hand to curl them together, to press this part of Elphaba she was allowed to press as close as she could.
"Galinda." Her voice was so soft it seemed on the edge of breaking. Galinda peered up at her. A shadow fell across her face, made her eyes seem darkened at the lids, almost wet. "I don't deserve you."
"You don't get to decide if you deserve me, Elphie."
Elphaba's eyes widened briefly. "Yes." She laughed softly, swallowed, her eyes jumping over the room as she sat up. "Yes, very true." Galinda remained silent. "So you want to know…"
"I want to know what you need of me," Galinda said firmly. "And I want a straight answer. The last time I asked you, you said you needed us. I don't think that's the case anymore, is it? Not the us we were before all this."
"No," Elphaba said. "What I need…" She looked at Galinda, and Galinda knew this was going to hurt. "What I need… is platonic."
Galinda felt herself begin to shake. "You need to break up."
Elphaba flinched upright. "No! God no! It's just for now, right now, what I can't do is the -" She sighed hugely. "The emotions, I suppose? The work of relationships?"
Galinda grabbed hold of that. That was something. That was not breaking up, which she had intensely feared all week. That was manageable. "A break," she said.
"No-"
"Not breaking up," she clarified. "We'll take a break. We'll be… something else from a couple. Something without expectations."
Elphaba looked unsure. "Is that possible?" Can you handle that, she meant.
Galinda summoned a smile. "I can handle that, if you promise not to drop me altogether."
Elphaba looked startled, and laughed a bit breathlessly. "I don't think I could," she said. "I couldn't. God." She lifted Galinda's hand and pressed a firm kiss to her knuckles. "Thank you."
"Of course."
Elphaba looked at her strangely. "You might be the most patient person in the world."
Galinda's eyes fluttered away from Elphaba. "Only for you."