A/N: I know this chapter took longer than usual to come out. Sorry about that :( Enjoy it anyways.
Thank you, PaperFrames. Without you, this chapter wouldn't be here.
To: ElliotStabler
From: OBenson4015
Subject: I Miss You
Date: 8 January, 9:30 PST
El,
The subject line says it all. I really miss you. It's barely been two months, but I can't stand this.
I miss your voice, your hands, your eyes. I miss the way you look at me. I miss how warm you always feel. In bed, on your couch, outside. Do you remember the night we spent outside? Who am I kidding, of course you do. Well, I just want to go back to that night and lay there together forever. Why can't we do that, El? Why can't we just lay there and forget everything?
Why did you have to go?
I know, I know why. But I hate this. I can't wait until the summer to see you again.
Please come home.
-Liv
Olivia takes one look at the words that poured from her keyboard and deletes them immediately.
Come on, Olivia, pull it together.
It's Friday night, just about time to clock out. She should be getting excited for their usual routine right now: stopping at the store to pick up a six pack of beer and fighting with him over which brand to buy- bitter Guinness that he enjoys or the Miller Light that she prefers, that he often comments "tastes like water". She never thought she'd miss their playful banter so much.
Raúl sighs, drawing her out of her reverie, and stretches at his desk before settling his gaze on her. "Doing okay?"
"Fine," she answers, glancing at the empty email form in front of her. Tonight's just not the night for her; she's frazzled. They haven't spoken in days and concern has started to pool in her stomach. This is expected, she knows. He warned her that, while there can be days where he can send emails one right after the other, there can also be times when they will go days, even weeks without speaking.
Olivia wishes she's prepared herself more for that. Then again, how could she have? It's like trying to prepare for a root canal. She knew what was coming, but that doesn't make it hurt any less.
"Looks like Casey's here."
"Huh?"
When Olivia turns, both Casey and Murph are walking through the double doors to the squad room, hand in hand. Olivia stands as they reach her. "What are you guys doing here?"
"We're here to get you out of your self-imposed solitude," Murph says. "You're coming to dinner with the two of us and your partner, if he wants to join in."
"Guys, I appreciate the thought, but really, I'm fine," Olivia says. "I'm just gonna go home, and-
"Sulk, by yourself in that house?" Casey finishes. "I don't think so. C'mon, Liv. You're coming with us."
"I'll tag along," Raúl says as he holds out her jacket. "Let's go have some fun."
—-
The end up at a little pub that's more of a bar than a restaurant. Next to the bar, there are three pool tables, a couple of dartboards and tables scattered around. It's nearing seven o'clock, and there are plenty of patrons scattered around. The place instantly reminds Olivia of somewhere she used to go to back in New York.
The hostess seats them at one of the tables in the corner. Off of the menu, Olivia orders a steak with steamed vegetables and eats half of it before pushing it away.
"You're not gonna finish that?" Murph asks, digging his fork into a piece of the meat before she gets a chance to reply.
"Help yourself," Olivia says. She makes a mental note never to eat supermarket sushi for lunch again. Her stomach is flipping dangerously.
Raúl finishes his drink and sets his glass back on the table. "Hey, Olivia, there's a pool table open. Wanna play?"
"No, that's all right."
"C'mon, manita," he says. "What are you, scared?"
"Scared? In your dreams."
"Prove it, then. C'mon."
Olivia glances at Murph, then Casey, and sighs, throwing back the rest of her drink. "Alright, let's go."
She follows Raúl to the empty table. He racks up the balls, hands her one of the sticks on the wall, and says, "Ladies first."
When Olivia breaks, she gets a striped and a solid ball into the two corner pockets. "I'll take striped."
"You play a lot of pool back in New York?" Raúl asks. He aims the cue for one of the striped balls near the edge of the table, and sinks it into the corner pocket. His next shot isn't so lucky. The red striped ball rolls in the complete opposite direction, clicking with two solid balls as it comes to a stop.
"A little bit," Olivia says as she takes careful aim. She manages to land the solid green in the side pocket furthest from her. She gets another in the corner pocket at the other end of the table, and misses on her third shot. "I guess I'm not as rusty as I thought I was."
"I guess not," Raúl mumbles before taking his shot.
The game doesn't last very long. Olivia manages to sink the eight ball into one of the corner pockets while her partner still has three solids left on the table.
"You just got lucky," Raúl says. "C'mon, one more game."
"Just lucky, huh?" Olivia chuckles. "I don't think so, Vasquez."
"That's Detective Vasquez to you."
"Hey, hey, hey, show a little respect, Detective. It's Gunnery Sergeant Stabler."
Olivia swallows the lump in her throat and takes a deep breath. "I don't feel like another game. I'm gonna get a drink."
Murph and Casey are playing darts when Olivia sits down at the bar. She watches them for a moment before ordering a beer from the bartender.
Jesus, she thinks. what the hell is wrong with her? He said one little thing, one tiny, completely innocent little comment, and now she can't get her mind off of a certain blue-eyed Marine.
Olivia's just sucking down the last bit from her bottle when a man with dark brown hair and brown eyes slides into the chair beside her. He sets the two beers in his hands onto the bar top in front of him. "How's it going?"
"Fine," she says. "Uh, can I help you?"
"No, I just saw you sitting along over here and figured I'd come and say hello. Oh, and I bought you another drink. Beer." He slides the bottle in front of her. "I'm Brian, by the way. Brian Cassidy. What's your name, beautiful?"
Olivia opens her mouth to answer, but before she knows it, Murph and Raúl are coming down on the two of them. Murph takes the beer in front of Olivia, and slides it back over to Brian. "Hey, buddy. Nice try, but she's not interested."
"Yeah, trust us, you don't want to try to hit on my partner," Raúl adds.
Olivia grabs both Murph and Raúl's shoulders and turns them towards her.
"Really? You guys know I can speak for myself, right?"
"We got this, Liv," Murph says.
She rolls her eyes and scoffs, shoving Murph away from her. "At least Elliot isn't obnoxious."
With that, she grabs the beer that Brian offered, and stalks out of the bar.
There a light rain falling outside. The sky is dark and overcast and the lights in the parking lot are bright, but Olivia still manages to see a few dull stars shining in the night. She takes a long swig of the drink in her hand, then sets it onto the pavement against the brick wall of the building. She's suddenly not feeling like drinking. Instead, she crosses her arms over her chest and paces slowly, the overhang of the building keeping her safe from the rain.
Who the hell do they think they are? I can take care of my damn self, I don't need anyone to protect me.
The rumble of the crowd, clinking of glasses, and tapping of pool sticks and darts from inside have all been replaced with swooshing as cars pass by and low murmurs as group of people make their way in and out.
Well… there is one person.
What's he hearing right now? She tries to imagine the sounds of deserts and towns in Iraq, something peaceful, but gunfire and the blasts of IEDs and mortars explode in her ears. What does he do when those things happen? Yell for the guys to put their heads down behind cover? Tell them to return fire?
Would he be afraid?
"Are… you scared, El?"
"I'm just happy to be done packing."
The door speaks open once again, and Olivia looks up just as Murph steps outside. He takes a deep breath, hitches up his pants, then finally turns towards her.
Sometimes he's more like Elliot than she ever thought, and this moment is definitely one of them. She's not sure why that is, maybe it has something to do with growing up together in the same place and being such close friends. When she's next to Murph, it's almost like Elliot's there, too. Both of their auras, the way they speak, even the experiences that make their lives are nearly the same. That includes the way each of them can hit just the right buttons to annoy the piss out of her.
"I need a babysitter out here, too?" Olivia says, watching Murph as he sits down on the bench set against the wall.
"No." He pats the empty spot beside him as an invitation for her to sit, but she doesn't. Instead, she crosses her arms over her chest and glares at him. Murph doesn't even flinch. Instead, he chuckles. "He's given me that exact same look, y'know. Right before he beat the shit out of me sparring. I think that was when you guys were having your little disagreement."
"Don't try to bring him up to change the subject."
Murph's smile fades. "That's what it's really about though, isn't it?" When she doesn't answer, he pats the spot next to him again. "C'mon, just sit down with me."
Finally, she does. He takes a moment to look her over, then rubs his hands together before speaking. "I know it's hard. Being here, safe, while you know the person that you care the most about is halfway around the world, doing what he's doing. But he doesn't want you to lay around the house, miserable all the time."
"Is that why you guys dragged me out tonight?"
The smile is back. Olivia wonders how a man that's seen war can smile and be happy so damn much. "We really just want to see you have some fun. For a while, it looked like it was working."
"It was. But…" Olivia trails off, then drops her eyes to the cement, glistening wet with the rain, and knows that her eyes are similar. They glisten with her tears. She did have fun, until the tiniest of things set her off. Her partner said something stupid, just a stupid joke that shouldn't have meant anything, but it reminder her of him. How can she have fun when…?
"I know," Murph says. "Survivor's guilt. You don't think you should be having a good time while he's over there in Hell on Earth."
"It can't be so bad," Olivia says. "Can it? I mean, he has… air conditioning."
"Let's put it this way: if Elliot hated it so much, he would have gotten out a while ago. Relax, have a little fun. The time will go by a lot faster that way."
"I doubt it," Olivia murmurs.
Murph nudges her lightly. "It will. Now, c'mon, you deserve a drink, and not some cheap bottle of beer, either. Let's go back inside."
"Are you gonna act like my father?" Olivia asks, raising an eyebrow.
"I can't promise anything," Murph answers as he grabs her hand, swinging it back and forth lightly as they head towards the door. "Don't lie, deep down you like having another big, strong, handsome soldier defending you."
"Oh, get over yourself, Murphy."
He gives a big grin. "Never."
No matter how much she tries convince herself, she knows he's right. Deep down, she knows that, besides Elliot, he and Raúl are the two most important men in her life. She loves them and their brotherly antics.
—-
To: ElliotStabler
From: OBenson4015
Subject: Thinking of You
Date: Mon, 8 January, 23:12 PST
El,
I just want to tell you that I love you. And I've been thinking of you. I hope everything is going okay over there.
I went out with Raúl, Casey and Murph earlier tonight. Raúl and Casey say hello, Murph told me that you guys have been emailing back and forth.
By the way, I can take care of myself, you know. You didn't need to tell Murph and Raúl to look out for me.
Let me know what you've been up to. I miss the sound of your voice, hopefully you get a chance to give me a call soon. My phone's always on.
Love you,
-Liv
—-
The door makes a deafening boom as it's blown off of its hinges. Elliot is the third man into the house, weapon raised, heart pounding in his throat. No matter how many times he clears a building, he'll never get used to it. Rodriguez and Allen, the two guys in front of him, veer off to the right, he and Shane take the stairs to the left. Halfway up, he hears male voices shouting in Arabic.
Elliot's trigger hand tightens around his weapon, he holds it ready with the safety switched off, and moves as swiftly and quietly as possible. The only door at the top of the stairs is closed, and upon closer inspection, locked. Holding up his rifle, he places a hard, well-aimed kick to the area below the doorknob. It explodes open with a loud bang.
Elliot takes the left. Shane takes the right. He fires two rounds at the man in the corner, dropping him, but before he can gain his bearings, a body slams into his side, knocking the wind out of him. He tries to get to his rifle, but it's no use; his attacker knocks it away and whips out a huge knife, aiming straight for Elliot's neck. Elliot sends a quick jab to the man's throat, grabs his pistol, and fires without a second thought. The shot makes a deafening bang in the small room.
Elliot shoves the body off of him just as Shane approaches. "Goddamn, Gunny, you blew half his face off."
His blood is roaring in his ears, his heart is pounding and there's a sheen of sweat across his forehead that can be attributed to more than just the scorching hot temperatures. Elliot wipes his face on the sleeve of his uniform, then takes the hand Shane offers. "Somebody should tell these guys that their rifles are a lot more effective than butter knives."
"Shh," Shane says as they make their way back down the stairs. "I like the ones that aren't too bright. Makes our jobs a hell of a lot easier."
Outside, Elliot takes tally of the rest of the guys: Shane, Corporal Slater, Rodriguez, Allen, a new corporal that just transferred to his unit before the deployment named Munch and their Navy medic, Jim Burns. Once the squad is ready, they cross a small alley and bust into the ground floor of a larger, three story building. There's roof access to this one. Elliot takes the front this time, walking up the steps carefully, hand gripped tightly around his trigger. At the top of the staircase, there's another door, which he opens ever so carefully.
Elliot's about three feet past the door, into the scorching hot sun, when fire explodes through his chest. The wind is knocked out of him, he lands flat on his back, and his hand instantly covers the spot on his Kevlar above the intense pain that now radiates through his ribcage. Shit, what just happened?
POPPOPPOPPOPPOP
Burns drops down beside him. "Are you okay? Just stay still."
"I'm fine," Elliot winces. "It hit the kevlar."
There's no blood. Not even a tear in his vest, just a little indent where the bullet made contact. Just the kevlar. The vest managed to save his lise. Burns pats him on the shoulder. "You're one lucky son of a bitch."
"Yeah, not the first time I've heard that," Elliot mutters, jumping to his feet. The bullets have stopped flying and the men around are mostly focused on keeping their roof secure. "Alright, guys, let's move out. Maybe we can get back to the base before it hits 110."
They make it. Just as Elliot walks into the team room, the sun hits its highest point in the sky and the temperature has reached 108 degrees. Elliot sits down at his computer right after he manages to get his heavy, sweat-drenched equipment off.
There's one new email in his inbox. He opens it, reads it, and a smile instantly crosses his face. Suddenly, it doesn't matter that his face is burnt from the sun, his feet are aching and his ribcage still burns with pain.
I just want to tell you that I love you. And I've been thinking of you.
He takes out the tin from his breast pocket, and smiles as he examines the picture once again. He can't wait to see her eyes again for real.
Elliot puts the picture away, then leans over the keyboard to write out a response.
—-
To: OBenson4015
From: ElliotStabler
Subject: RE: Thinking of You
Date: 15 Jan, 21:00 AST
Hey,
Everything's okay.
I'm happy you've been keeping busy. Did you guys have a good time?
You can't blame a guy for caring. I just want to make sure you're not alone over there. It sounds like you're not, that's what I care about.
Gotta go. I'll try to call you when I can get a little more time. Maybe next week.
Love you.
-El
—-
When Olivia opens her eyes, she's standing on a dirt road. Sand and burnt shrubbery surrounds her on all sides, and the sun beats down on her, making her squint.
Where am I?
When she turns, a convoy of vehicles and men appears, heading straight towards her. They're all in uniforms she's seen Elliot wear to work every day, along with big packs, kevlar vests, helmets and heavy weapons. They look tired and weary, but hold those weapons at the ready, scanning the landscape for potential threats.
"Hello?"
Her gaze is suddenly drawn to one of the men heading towards her. His eyes covered by a pair of sunglasses, weapon gripped in both hands, and a frown covers his face. "Elliot?"
Like the other men, he doesn't even acknowledge her, just keeps walking. His uniform is dirty, his face covered in sand and sweat, lips chapped. His skin is cracked and darkened from the sun. Strange feelings well up in her chest; she feels relieved and happy, but tired, scared and worried for him all at once. Most of all, she wants to reach out and hold him, despite the weapon his his hands and the body armor that covers his torso.
A sudden whistle and a CRACK pierces her eardrums, nearly making her jump out of her skin. "INCOMING!"
The men around her drop as all hell breaks loose. CRACK. CRACK. CRACK. Smoke billows from the ground as the mortars make contact, sending the men scattering and falling onto their stomachs, weapons still raised.
"Get to cover!" It's Elliot's voice. She didn't even realize it the moment she hit the ground, but she's next to him now, watching him frantically look around for the source of the attack. She sees nothing, and apparently, neither does he. Her heart is pounding in her throat. Get him, get him, get him.
Elliot crawls towards the Humvee, towards the only safety that the wide open field offers, but Olivia doesn't move. She's suddenly rooted to the spot, reduced back to a simple spectator as Elliot moves further away, trying to find something to protect him from the violent blasts that rain down.
Olivia doesn't know how she sees the mortar. "El-!"
It's too late. Shrapnel, dirt and rock spray in all directions. Elliot's blown back with a surprised yelp. When she reaches him, his sunglasses have been blown to pieces, blood covers the front of his uniform, and he's gasping for breath, clutching at the wounds that tear through his chest.
"Elliot," she murmurs, lifting his upper body into her arms. "Elliot, talk to me."
Finally, his eyes meet hers. "Liv…"
Blood dribbles down his chin. She tries to wipe it away, but even has her finger swipes over his skin, the trickle of red remains. "Hang on. Please, just keep breathing." Olivia looks around, but the men are shooting and taking cover from the invisible enemy. "Somebody help!"
He's going to die. He's going to die and there's nothing I can do.
Warm tears trickle down her face. She feels like like an ice pick has been driven so far into her chest that it will never be dislodged, completely shattering her heart in the process. His breathing is slowing, the life is draining out of him, and the blood flows out, faster, faster, faster., sending him closer and closer to death. His body is already starting to grow cold. Don't give up on me. Please, Elliot, don't leave me.
His eyes close, and his chest grows still. Olivia shakes him gently. "Elliot… open your eyes."
Nothing.
Olivia shoots up in bed, breathing heavily. Sweat covers her forehead, her heart pounds in her chest. It takes her a moment to realize where she is. It was a dream. It was just a terrible dream.
"Elliot," she whispers, grasping her blanket tightly. "Please come home safe."
—-
There are no new emails in Olivia's inbox. She stares at the screen:
Subject: RE: Thinking of You Date: 15 Jan, 21:00 AST
Subject: Hey Date: 3 Jan, 6:13 AST
Refresh.
Subject: RE: Thinking of YouDate: 15 Jan, 21:00 AST
Subject: Hey Date: 3 Jan, 6:13 AST
Refresh.
Subject: RE: Thinking of You Date: 15 Jan, 21:00 AST
Subject: Hey Date: 3 Jan, 6:13 AST
Olivia collapses back against the couch with a sigh. It's been a full eight days since she's heard from him last. Is this what her life has become? Staring at her computer screen waiting for a few paragraphs from a guy half way around the world?
The knock on her door draws out a long sigh. It's probably Murph and Casey again, coming to try to cheer her up. She's entirely not in the mood, especially not after that horrific dream. It had been going on four in the morning when she was startled awake by it, and she couldn't bring herself to close her eyes again after that. There's no way she's going to subject herself to another nightmare again.
Another knock, but harder this time. Olivia stares at her computer screen.
Subject: RE: Thinking of You Date: 15 Jan, 21:00 AST
Subject: Hey Date: 3 Jan, 6:13 AST
"Olivia!" It's Murph. "C'mon, Detective, open up!"
"You want all my neighbors to hear you?" Olivia asks as she flings the front door open. Murph and Casey stand on her front stoop, smiles on both of their faces. She wonders how they can be so happy right now.
"Oh, what neighbors? The closest one isn't here, anyway," Murph says. "C'mon, we're taking you out."
"Again? Come on, guys. Thanks, but I just want to be alone today."
"On your birthday?" Casey says. "We don't think so. Put on something nice and get out here, we're taking you out!"
She sighs. "Alright, give me ten minutes."
—-
"Guys. I don't know about this place," Olivia says. They've pulled into the parking lot for the restaurant at the end of the pier.
"Why, you don't like seafood?"
"No, it's not that-
"Then c'mon."
Murph picks a table for them outside, two tables away from the one that Olivia and Elliot sat at on their very first date.
"We've got a surprise for you," Murph says. "Someone is really excited to wish you a Happy Birthday today."
"Oh, really? Who's that?"
"Turn around."
A/N: I know, I know, it was a horrible place to stop. I'm evil. But let me know what you think anyway! Also, manita is Spanish for little sister. Thanks to Mari on that one.
Have a great morning/afternoon/evening!
-Stabson