Sandpaper and Bedtime Stories

I'm sure you're all super confused about that title. Just a short one for Christmas (because I felt obligated). It's Christmas of the gang's senior year of high school. I have to apologize, but my OC, Steve Marcis, makes a brief appearance in this story. (And no, this is not related to P&F Industries at all.) Don't worry, he in no way affects the plot and he's only in it for about half of a scene. I just couldn't resist adding him (and Candace) to this opening scene.

It was a week before Christmas, and the Googleplex Mall was as jam-packed ever. Phineas and Ferb threaded their way between the last-minute shoppers from store to store, finally finishing up their Christmas shopping. It was late in the day and both brothers were burnt out.

"Did you get something for everyone on your list?" Phineas asked as they took a seat on an empty bench for a quick breather.

Ferb held up a piece of paper. Every name had been neatly crossed off with a pencil. "How about you?"

"Almost. I've got a gift for everyone except Isabella."

Ferb smirked. "You know what she wants."

"Yeah, yeah, everybody knows what Isabella wants," Phineas said with a sigh.

Last year, Phineas had casually stated without thinking that he thought Adyson was pretty. Isabella had yelled, "Why don't you ask her to marry you, then?" and ran off in tears. He couldn't figure out what had sparked the waterworks until Ginger yelled at him, "Because, you idiot! She's in love with you!" Phineas was dumbstruck. He hadn't even meant anything by his comment, it was just an observation. He quickly found Isabella and apologized.

"Ginger told me," he said. "I'm so sorry, Isabella. I…I had no idea!"

"It's okay," she choked. "I guess after all this time I'm just starting to get a little frustrated."

Phineas wrapped her tightly in a hug until she stopped crying, and then took her by the hand and they rejoined the rest of their friends. They were both very quiet for the rest of the day, holding hands all the while. In fact, as weeks and months passed, it seemed to become a habit. Every time they were together, they would hold hands. But the subject of her love for him was never brought up again and their relationship went otherwise unchanged.

"It's not like I don't want to go out with her," Phineas explained. "But, she's my best friend and I don't want to do anything to mess up our friendship." He sighed and looked up at the Christmas decorations hanging from the mall ceiling. "She does have really soft hands, though."

Ferb gave a small laugh. "Sounds to me like you've already given it some thought."

"Yes, yes I have. And I'm going to give it a little more thought before I do anything. I've still got a week before Christmas." He stood up. "In the meantime, I do know what I'm going to give her." He never finished the thought as something in the crowd caught his attention. Ferb followed his gaze.

"Do you see what I see?" Ferb asked, unintentionally quoting a Christmas song.

"If what you see is Candace, who appears to be here with Steve for reasons I can't explain, then yes."

They picked up their bags and made their way toward their sister and friend. Candace was looking in the store window of Victoria's Secret while Steve, who seemed to be carrying almost all of her bags, averted his gaze.

"Hey, Sis!" Phineas called.

She turned. "Oh, hey guys. Fancy meeting you here."

"Sup?" Steve muttered.

"Hi, Steve." Phineas turned back to his sister. "Are you guys shopping together?"

Before Candace could answer, Steve interrupted. "No. She just dragged me here against my will."

Candace shrugged. "I can't shop for Jeremy with Jeremy, and someone had to stay home with Amanda. Besides, Steve's the only person I know who has a pickup truck."

Phineas cocked his head to the side. "What's that got to do with anything?"

Candace laughed. "Phineas, please. I'm doing all my Christmas shopping at once since I was sort of, you know, in labor on Black Friday." She pointed to the piles of bags that Steve was struggling to hold onto. "Do you really think all this would fit in my Neblington Nymph? It barely has a trunk at all."

"Good point."

"I told her she was more than welcome to borrow the truck, but she dragged me along because she needs a pack mule, too."

"Oh, quit complaining, you." She motioned to the Victoria's Secret doorway. "Come on, I want to look in here."

Steve shook his head and took a step backwards. "Uh-uh! I ain't going in there! I'm not even comfortable facing in its general direction! That place scares me!"

"Who are you, Baljeet? Too skittish to look at women's underwear?" She grabbed his arm and dragged him toward the door. "Suck it up and get in here!"

Phineas and Ferb laughed as they watched Candace drag Steve into the store, Steve's face contorted in fear. "Phineas! Ferb! Help me! Don't leave me with her! She's nuts!"

With their sister and her captive gone, Phineas said, "Come on, Ferb. Let's go home. I've had enough for today."

"Don't you still have to get something for Isabella?"

"Yes, but I'm going to make her something. There's nothing in this mall she'd want from me."

As they walked away, they passed a mall security guard. They could hear his radio crackle.

"Could we get some security at the Victoria's Secret?"

"What's the issue?" he asked.

"There's a woman yelling at a man to open his eyes and he's threatening her with a coat hanger."

"I'm on my way."

Phineas and Ferb exploded into laughter.

Around noon on Christmas Day, Isabella strolled across the street to the Flynn-Fletcher house as she did every year to exchange gifts with Phineas and Ferb. She was a bit surprised, however, when Ferb opened the door instead of Phineas.

"Good morning, Isabella. Happy Christmas."

"Merry Christmas, Ferb." She hung her coat and scarf by the door and removed her boots, expecting Phineas to appear and greet her any second, but he did not.

"Where's Phineas?" she asked Ferb as she waved good morning to Mrs. Flynn in the kitchen.

"Oh, he ran over to Candace and Jeremy's. He'll be back in a little while."

She followed him into the living room. There were empty boxes and various gifts strewn around the room from earlier that morning, but there were two wrapped packages beneath the Christmas tree. One was a normal sized box, the other was huge, easily the size of a refrigerator box.

"Whoa," Isabella whistled appreciatively. "Who's is that?"

"Yours. From Phineas."

Isabella suddenly felt a bit self conscious as she repositioned the two gifts under her arm. She couldn't imagine what Phineas possibly could have gotten for her, and she knew that whatever it was, her gift wouldn't stack up in comparison.

Ferb sat down on the floor beside the tree. "Before Phineas left, he said to tell you to open it and not to wait for him because he might be a while."

She looked at the giant box again. "No. I couldn't do that. I should wait for him."

"He said you'd say that. He also made me promise that I would make you open it."

"Why?"

"Because I can't breathe in here!" came Phineas's muffled voice from somewhere nearby.

Isabella whipped around, her eyes landing on the giant box. "Phineas?"

"Please unwrap the gift," a slightly annoyed voice replied from inside. "Sooner rather than later."

Quickly kneeling down on the floor, Isabella tore the wrapping paper from the box. It was in fact a refrigerator box, and it had been tapped shut. Ferb handed Isabella a pair of scissors that was still sitting on the end table from earlier that morning and she quickly sliced open the tape. Phineas popped up from inside, taking a deep gulp of air.

"Whew! It was getting hot in there!"

Isabella helped him out of the box. "Phineas! What did you do that for?"

He rubbed the back of his neck. "Well…I couldn't think of what to get you this year, so I got you me. In retrospect, I probably could have just tied a bow around my neck. That would have been a lot simpler."

Isabella put her hand to her mouth in surprise. "Phineas…does this mean…you want to be my boyfriend?"

He placed his arms on her shoulders. "Yes. Yes it does."

Ferb watched with interest as Isabella threw her arms around Phineas's neck and pulled him into a kiss. He took this as an opportunity to check out the kitchen for something to eat. He probably wouldn't be missed.

When the kiss finally broke apart, both Phineas and Isabella were beaming. "I just finally kissed my best friend," Isabella sighed dreamily.

"I just kissed my best friend," Phineas realized, his smile fading and a sort of perplexed expression crossed his face. Isabella was suddenly scared that she'd pushed too quickly. But then, Phineas's smile returned. "And it was awesome."

Isabella couldn't help but let out a relieved sigh, and then she kissed him again.

When they broke apart again, Phineas reached into the refrigerator box and pulled out a much smaller, wrapped gift. It was wide and flat, like he'd wrapped a thick magazine. "By the way, here's your real Christmas present."

"Oh, Phineas, I already got exactly what I wanted."

He smiled. "I knew you'd say that, too. Just open it."

She tore off the wrapping paper and was instantly confused by what she held in her hands. "You got me a package of sandpaper?"

"Yup."

"Okay…why?"

"Well, when I was trying to decide if I was ready to do this…" He paused and kissed her again. "…I was also trying to figure out what to get you for Christmas. I was thinking, 'Isabella has really soft hands.'"

Isabella blushed. "Aww…you think my hands are soft…"

"Well, we spent, like, the last six months holding hands. I was bound to notice eventually. So my original plan was to get you do a little chemistry and mix up some super-moisturizing hand lotion, and then I thought, 'What does she need that for? Her hands are already soft.'" He reached into the refrigerator box again and pulled out something else. "So, if you use that sandpaper as hand towels for a week or so, then you can unwrap this." He dropped another wrapped gift into her hand. It felt like a pump bottle filled with viscous liquid.

Isabella looked at the sandpaper in her hand, then the new gift, then Phineas. She raised an eyebrow.

"Don't worry," Phineas told her, "it's 240 grit sandpaper. It won't hurt you. It'll just take the smoothness off."

She looked at the sandpaper again, and then looked back at Phineas…and exploded into laughter. Phineas joined in, and when Mrs. Flynn came to see what all the commotion was about, she saw the two of them rolling on the floor, holding their sides, and starting laughing herself.

After that, every year Phineas gave Isabella a package of sandpaper for Christmas along with her actual gift. Every year, he would pick a different grit value and a different brand. She never threw any of it away. She kept the entire "collection" on her bookshelf. One year, Phineas watched as she unwrapped ten packages of sandpaper, but nothing else. Isabella was quite confused…until Phineas produced a ring box, that is.

16 years and 364 days later…(meaning, it's Christmas Eve)

Phineas bent down and pulled the covers up over his five-year-old daughter, Kaitlyn. Isabella was leaning in the doorway, a smile on her face as she watched her husband tuck their daughter in.

"So," Phineas asked as he sat down on the edge of the bed. "What bedtime story would you like to hear tonight?"

"I want to hear a Christmas story!" Kaitlyn said excitedly.

Phineas put his hand to his chin. "A Christmas story, huh?" He thought for a moment. "Hmmm…Oh! I know! I've got a great story!" He was speaking to Kaitlyn, but he was looking at Isabella, unable to stop from smiling. Isabella knew that look. It was Phineas's I-know-something-funny, but-you-don't-know-what-it-is-yet look.

He turned back to Kaitlyn. "This story is called, 'The Day Aunt Candace and Steve Got Thrown Out of the Mall.' Once upon a time, Aunt Candace was Christmas shopping…"

"Phineas…" Isabella warned, walking into the bedroom.

"What?" he asked innocently, struggling not to laugh.

"Not an appropriate story," she said, sitting down next to him.

"But it's a good story!"

"Our five-year-old does not need to hear about Victoria's Secret."

"Who's Victoria?" Kaitlyn asked.

"It's not important, Honey," Isabella assured her.

"I think it's very important," Phineas interjected. Isabella gave him a playful smack on the shoulder.

"Ow! What was that for?"

Isabella couldn't help but smile herself. "You know perfectly well what that was for."

Kaitlyn was becoming impatient. "Come on! I want to hear a Christmas story!"

"Why don't you tell Kaitlyn about the time we met Santa Claus?" Isabella suggested.

The little girl's eyes shot open. "You guys met Santa?! I want to hear that story!"

Phineas folded his arms and pretended to pout. "I don't want to tell that story. That episode took up a whole half-hour time slot, not just twelve minutes. It'll take forever to tell that! Besides, I like my story better. My story has tasers and a chase scene with segways."

"There was no chase in that story!"

"There is when I tell it."

Kaitlyn had had just about enough. "Daddy! I want to hear about when you met Santa Claus!"

Phineas let out an over exaggerated sigh, still unable to keep from smiling. "Okay, I'll tell you the story. But only if Mommy sings the songs with me."

Isabella looked at the clock on the opposite wall. "You do realize it's now twenty minutes past her bed time and you still haven't even started the story, right?"

"Alright, we'll do it without the songs." Phineas turned to Kaitlyn and finally started the story. "Now this happened a looooong time ago, when Mommy and I were kids, a couple years older than you are."

"How long ago was that?"

"Oh, two or three hundred years, easily." He leaned closer to her ear and whispered plenty loud enough that Isabella could hear him, "Mommy is fifty years older than I am."

Isabella playfully punched him in the arm again.

A look of pure wonder crossed Kaitlyn's face. "Wow! You guys are really old!"

"Yes. Yes we are. Now, it all started on the morning of Christmas Eve, when your Uncle Ferb and I decided to turn our beds into toboggans…"

Happy Holidays, everyone! I hope you enjoyed this completely ridiculous tale.