Disclaimer: All Characters within the world of Twilight belong to Stephanie Meyers, I do not own, nor do I make anything from my works.
A/N: While I've never had a song for a chapter the majority of this chapter was inspired by 'Jar of Hearts' by Christina Perri and also 'Heavy in Your Arms' by Florence + the Machine. Take a listen to them but it's not required to read the chapter.
Ch. 25
The Me I No Longer Am
"Bella" He breathed. It sent a shiver through me the way he said my name, but I didn't know if it was good or bad. I immediately tensed at the thought and put up my defenses there was no way I was going to let him in. I made sure to lock my feet in their spot to ensure I wouldn't unconsciously walk towards him. I wouldn't get to do what I needed if he dazzled me, if I fell under his spell again.
"I didn't think you would come." He said earnestly.
"Well I figured that was what your little display pacing the border was for, for me to come to you."
"I meant I didn't think he'd let you." The words fell bitterly from his mouth.
"Is that what you expected from him?" I asked.
"I wouldn't have let you meet with your ex even if he wasn't my enemy."
"Well he's not you. Did he like the idea? Hell no. But he trusts me, he knows I can make decisions for myself, he won't control me, but just know he doesn't trust you." I responded.
"Well he surely has made his possession of you obvious." He snapped after inhaling deeply. Now I was just annoyed by his actions.
"What are you doing Edward?" I asked harshly.
"I am speaking with you Bella, is that not why you came out here?" I rolled my eyes at his tone.
"I mean, why are you…why are you on the treaty line every day bugging my friends? What are you trying to accomplish?"
"I just wanted to know how you are. I went by your home several times after you left last week but you never returned. With you on the reservation it was not possible for me to find out if you were safe? Are you no longer living with Charlie?"
"How is any of that your business? But for your information, no after my accident I moved down to the reservation so that my friends could help me with things I couldn't do with the cast." I replied stonily.
"Why are you running the line, why are you even here? Didn't you do enough damage last week? Do you even realize the mess you created, the mess I had to clean up? What were you getting at, what were you trying to do?" I spat.
"I was trying to prove to you what I said the other day. The wolves are unsafe, the scars on one of the mates is evidence of that. I had to show you that you aren't safe with them around. I mean Jacob nearly phased on top of you. You shouldn't trust them with your safety."
"You really are a pompous ass aren't you? You antagonized him into phasing while he is next to me to prove he's not safe for me. You think I don't know how to read him after over a year. And you knew Charlie was coming around the house, didn't you? What were you hoping for? That Charlie would see him phase and rip me away from and never let me see him again and then you could come to my rescue? You weren't that naïve to believe that'd happen?"
"I just wanted to make you see."
"See? See what? What did doing what you did do make me see anything than other than how much of a jerk you are. Because of you I had to tell Charlie everything. Everything I never wanted him to know. He now knows that I've lied to him since nearly the beginning. You've made me hurt my father in the worst possible way all in order to try to prove something that didn't need proving, all in order to try to look like the better man. I can tell you, you're not. You aren't even close to the man Jake is, or even the rest of the pack."
"I just wanted you to see that I am the better option and I wouldn't hold those dogs in such high regards love; you have no idea what they think about you." He sneered. I ignored what he had first said and dealt with the other part of his declaration.
"I know exactly what they think about me, it's you who should question what you see and hear." I shot back cockily. I had hated that order with every fiber of my being until this very moment. Edward would learn that he'd been played. I could almost hear the pack laughing evilly in response.
"What are you talking about love, I'm the one who can hear their thoughts; they can't hide the truth from me."
"Then why don't you enlighten me, what kind of things were they thinking about me?" My hidden joy bubbling in me ready to break out, the current form of my thoughts was shocking when I realized all this was directed at Edward. I wanted to knock him down, the man that I had waited for, for nearly a year and now I wanted to feel some of my ire and malice. I wanted the man that I thought I'd spend forever with see what he had done to me.
"I mostly heard indifference to you any time you were brought up in the thoughts of the pack. Several of the wolves are outright hostile towards you and don't want you here. Only two wolves had positive thoughts towards you, they are Jacob Black and the alpha Sam Uley; otherwise there were no positive thoughts. They are not your family Bella."
"You think your gift lets you know all. You know nothing Edward. Didn't you find it odd that their thoughts never contained anything new, it was all old information, all old memories they thought about. I spent dozens of hours with them since I found out about the pack and I've lived with the Alpha for two weeks now and not one new memory was in their thoughts was it?" I asked cockily waiting for the truth to hit him.
"What are you trying to get at, Bella?"
"I've known about the wolves for over a year, I was being hunted by a vampire, don't you think that in order to help them protect me I told them everything I knew about vampires including the fact that some vampires had special gifts, gifts like mind-reading." I could see cracks form in his carefully constructed façade.
"You are trying to tell me that they were purposely thinking those things to throw me off? That is impossible. No one can control their thoughts that much."
"Who says they had any control over what they thought. You don't think that as soon as you came back that the pack saw you as a threat to me. They made sure you wouldn't get anything from them. You're lucky the treaty is in place because otherwise most would have torn you apart for what you did to me. Since they couldn't destroy you they kept you from what you wanted most, information on me. They weren't going to give you free access to their memories."
"Do you really hate me that much?"
"I don't hate you Edward, I've never hated you. I just didn't think you deserved to have any information on me without me telling you. You didn't deserve to make comments on my life since you left. I wasn't going to allow you back into my life the way you were before. I don't hate you but I am so furious with you. What you did last week was sickening and cruel. My father should be free from this world but you did what you did and drug him into it for yourself. Just to let you know that you should probably stay away from him because if he see's you he will shoot you. He hates you almost as much as the wolves do. But what you did last week pisses him off. You acted like a spoiled arrogant child who wasn't getting the toy he wanted and destroyed the blissful ignorance of a man who should be able to live free of the monsters and protectors he is surrounded by. For someone who is over a century old you were less mature than even the youngest of the pack. You did what you did, once again, without the thought of the consequences. For that I'll never forgive you."
"I am sorry I did that Bella. I know what I did hurt you, I didn't intend you any harm. Everything I have done has been done to ensure your protection, to keep you safe from harm. I never wanted you to hurt Bella." I couldn't stop the scoff that flew from my clenched jaw. He was trying to placate my feelings and I wasn't having any of it.
"You may have never wanted to hurt me but hurt me is all you've done. I don't think you understand the pain I was in when you left."
"If you were so hurt then how was it so easy for you to move on?" He accused.
"God you are acting like a child. Yes I moved on but don't for one fucking second believe that it was fucking easy for me to move on. I died nearly every day after I realized I had to let you go, but hanging on and waiting for you was killing me."
"If I had come back sooner, would you have forgiven me and taken me back?" He asked out of the blue but I could tell he had been thinking about it for a while.
"I…don't…I have no clue how I should answer that." I said and then paused and really thought about it. I didn't know if I should be truthful or not. I knew ultimately that I'd hurt him with the truth but he needed to hear it.
"I think had you come back before…before I was forced to see that I had to move on or I was going to die that I'd have taken you back without thought of what had happened. Before I realized I had feelings for someone else. After that I…I'm not sure it would have been that easy…after a year I know I wouldn't have, I had already chosen Jake by then and I was no longer in love with you." I replied simply. I couldn't tell him how long I actually held onto the hope he'd come back. It wouldn't do anyone any good.
"So if I had come back when I had Alice looked for you?" He asked hopeful and hesitant.
"What are you trying to do here, this won't fucking help anything. I don't know what would have happened then okay? I have no fucking clue what I would have done but you didn't so there is no reason to put us both through this." I yelled exasperated, I didn't like where he was trying to take this, I wasn't his anymore and I was never going to be his.
"What is with you and all this foul language? The Bella I know never used such words and hated them even more."
"Well that's the most important thing right, me swearing? News flash for you Edward, I'm not the Bella you knew. She died that day in the forest it just took most of a year for me to realized it. I think that's why I had such a hard time once you left. I was trying so hard to hang onto the Bella you loved, the Bella you left that I couldn't see anything clearly. I couldn't see that trying to be her without you was destroying my soul. So you have no fucking right, none whatsoever to say it was easy for me, these last two years have been nothing short of living hell and the only light was Jacob and the pack.
"I was haunted by you. The moment you walked from me you ripped everything from me. All the plans I had for my future, gone. The ones that had become my family, ripped from me. My hopes and dreams about the rest of my life, existence, torn apart. The man I loved and believed to be my reason for existence, disappeared saying nothing more than he didn't love me and didn't want me. And yet I clung to all of that hoping and praying it would come back every time I woke up screaming from my nightmares. I wanted it back so much I quit living. I only got up and went through my day so that Charlie didn't send me to my mother because if he did I wouldn't be here when you came back, but I wasn't trying to live. I was a spectral, a ghost, of who I once was. I wasn't living but I wasn't gone either I was just floating through every day just waiting. I think I was struggling to die. I gave up the moment you turned away from me. I was so haunted by you, I…I could hear you whenever I was in danger, or doing something reckless and stupid and it nearly drove me to jump off a cliff. Clinging to your memory and our love was destroying the Bella I had been before I met you. Trying to hang on to your Bella sucked the life from me and I finally realized after months of heartache that I had to let you go or I would be in a box in the ground. In letting you go I found someone that loved me and let me be the damaged heartbroken girl I was and helped fix what you broke. Now I'm no longer haunted by you, I'm not the spectral of your Bella anymore." I just stared at him through the tears that had formed at the memory of my pain and desperation.
"God Bella, I am so sorry, if I had known…,"He started but I interrupted him.
"You'd what? You wouldn't have left me? You wouldn't have lied to me? What would you have done if you'd known what your leaving would have done, what it almost cost me? I know you Edward, I know you felt what you did that day was for the best and nothing I could have said or did would have changed your mind. Once you made up your mind to leave, nothing or no one could dissuade you, not even the truth of what my future would be. So don't make promises two years too late." I snapped.
"You are right, nothing could have changed my plans that day but I would have come back, I would not have stayed away. It was hell being away from you love; the only thing that kept me away last year was Alice's vision of you happy and healthy with your mother. That vision kept me going and gave me the strength to stay away. I believed you were having the life I wanted for you. If I had known that you were in danger, being hunted by Victoria and in the clutches of those mongrels I would have come back." He supplied, I could tell he vehemently believed what he said, but he could see what I saw.
"You keep saying if this and if that. It doesn't matter because you didn't know, you couldn't see-which I don't understand by the way- so there was no reason as you say to come back. In your head you probably reasoned that because you promised me 'it would be as if you never existed' that you intended to keep it. You can't hindsight a promise to me and I would be incredibly stupid to believe any promise you've made because you have broken every single promise you made me. I'm not the naïve girl you left Edward."
"Love, I know I have hurt you and that I left you in pain and I am incredibly sorry for that. I know I can never make up for that…"
"Stop. We've already talked about this. I've already forgiven you for leaving, but that doesn't mean that we can be what we were if that's what you're trying to get at. I am not your love anymore so will you please quit calling me that. I don't belong to you. I quit belonging to you when you left. There are some things apologies can't fix."
"You said the last time that you knew that I lied to you, that you knew I loved you. If you knew that then why did you…why did you move on?"
"I said stop Edward and I mean it. Rehashing this isn't going to get you anywhere. When you told me what you told me that day in the forest I believed every word you said. I believed you didn't need, want or love me and I believed it for a very long time. It wasn't until I did what you had done; that I truly understand what you had done. It wasn't until then that I realized you loved me but by then I was already in love with someone else."
"You left Jacob." It sounded more like a question than a statement.
"Yes I did." I said but didn't elaborate.
"The day Alice and I arrived, when you spoke about leaving, Jacob had a quick thought about you leaving him and the panic that quickly followed. He's afraid you'll leave again."
"I know he was that day, we have issues to work on; they are our issues."
"Why'd you leave him Bella?" He asked quietly but curiously.
"Why do you want to know? I don't want to get into this with you." I was getting frustrated with the way this conversation was headed.
"I just want to know you Bella, know what your life was like while I was gone."
"When dealing with him and our relationship I didn't always react as I should have I have punished him relentlessly for a very long time for your sins and your actions. I almost always reacted as if he would do what you did. So I left him before he could leave me."
"You say you have punished him for my actions, you left him, and I want to know why." His voice was calm but demanding.
I was quickly losing my calm demeanor and I could feel myself weakening under his intense gaze. His eyes bore into me, demanding of me and I was fighting him. The familiar feeling I had always felt when I stared into his golden orbs was filling in the tips of my extremities and working its way up. I had to keep reminding myself that I had to fight this; that I was in control of this meeting and he wasn't going to get anything out of me that I didn't want. But a tiny part of me knew I'd give in to him. I just hoped the hour was up before that happened.
"Something happened between us and I got scared. Scared he'd leave me, scared that what happened would be too much for us. After you left he was the one that fixed me, that picked up all the broken pieces he found and put them together into the semblance of a happy eighteen year old girl. If he left me and I was broken again there would be no one left to help fix me. He showed me the beauty he found in me, the assurance that I'd be okay one day, and the promise that he'd love me. He was-is-my best friend and the thought of losing the only person that was able to fix me caused me to panic and run." I answered him like he wanted but as vaguely as possible like I needed.
"What he do to you that made you scared. I swear if he hurt you I'll kill him." He growled out.
"What…god no…do you think I'd be with anyone that hurt me? He didn't do anything to me. Something just happened that caused a drastic change in our future and I freaked out and didn't trust him enough at the time to get through it together. I don't really want to talk about this anymore. I only came here to…" He cut me off.
"Does the reason you left have anything to do with what you told Charlie last week about Jacob being the father of your children?" He asked hesitantly, like he didn't really want the answer.
"I was wondering when you'd ask about that."I paused. I didn't know if I wanted him to know the truth but knowing that he'd just read the truth in the minds of the wolves meant that he'd learn it any way. "Yes is does, its most of the reason I left."
"You are a mom." His voice was filled with sadness as he spoke.
"Yeah, twin girls," A smile broke across my face as I pictured my daughters.
"Not only did he steal your virtue, your innocence, but he also hasn't made an honest woman out of you and married you. Yet you defend him as say he's the better man, the better choice."
"When will you get it into your teenage vampire brain; Jacob Black did not steal my virtue, he didn't take anything, I gave it all to him as he gave me his. He couldn't have 'made an honest woman of me because I left him the day I found out I was expecting and didn't come back until after they were born. I've been back a total of three weeks and I've been a little busy hiding from vampires who are intent on making my life chaotic and hellish. Get off your fucking moral high horse because he is not you and this is the god damned twenty-first century not 1918. If I had stayed he would have tried to make an 'honest woman of me', but I didn't.
"I don't need for him to marry me. I know he loves me. He sees the best in me but isn't oblivious to my flaws. He makes me a better person just by spending time with me. He is happy and his happiness in contagious. He challenges me to be my best. He helps me be strong and brave, to feel beautiful and wanted. He gives me hope for the future. He makes me laugh and makes my worries seem insignificant as long as he's by my side. He is my equal, my best friend, my lover, and the father of my children. Having a piece of paper that says he's mine is redundant because I know he's mine and he knows I'm his. And also you have no say in my life, you lost that right." I spat angrily at him. I was sick of his moral compass trying to dirty what Jacob and I shared.
"I'm sorry Bella. This isn't easy for me. I don't like seeing you with someone else. I don't like seeing you have a life with someone else and I hate that it's a werewolf. And I don't like seeing that your life is less than what I wanted for you."
"What did you expect after two years…you told me to find someone? Did you expect for me to still be here waiting for you, pining for you?" I asked indignantly but pained that he actually believed I'd still be here ready, willing and waiting for him. He looked at me with his deep and soulful eyes with pain. I could feel my anger ebbing away and my resolve weaken but I didn't move, I didn't want to know what I would do if he was that close again. I didn't want to know what kind of reaction his vampire nature would draw from me.
"I know what I said and I meant it that day. I believed it best for you to not be with me, to spend your life in danger from me and my family. You deserved a human life with human experiences, not to be frozen in your experiences with us or limited in your contact with others as you would have been. But deep down, I didn't want anyone for you other than me because there is no one else for me but you and I believed that there was no one else for you but me. Did I expect you to wait for me? No, but I didn't think you would have moved on so permanently. If you had moved on to a human, just any guy I figured I could have won you back if I ever returned. You know, I almost did come back last year; instead I had Alice look for you and her vision of you happy and with your mom was enough for me to stay away and let you be happy. Had you shown any sadness in that vision I would have come back. You have told me how difficult it was for you to move on but what I want to know is if you still…" As he poured his heart out, his voice becoming more and more strained all my anger was gone. We were finally having the conversation we should have had a long time ago so before he asked the question I answered it.
"Edward, I'm not in love with you anymore but I do still love you and care about you. I think that I always will. You were my first love, you were a great love and from the moment I realized I loved you I only saw my future with you, so I am always going to think fondly of you and want the best for you. I think because you were my first love it was that much harder for me to let you go and I can't let go of you completely. I fought so hard to remain in love with you but when I changed; when I let your Bella go to survive I fell out of love with you, but for a very long time I was in love with you and Jacob. Now I'm so completely in love with Jacob and I will never love anyone like I love him, just like I will never love anyone like I loved you.
"It took me a really long time to figure out that you don't love different people the same, you love different people differently. I can't have the love I had with you, with Jacob just like I can't have the life I would have had with you, with Jacob."
"Why can't you see I can give you a better life than he can?" He cried out softly.
"You can't give me a better life; you're trying to offer me a different life. Just like the love you offer me, it's not better or worse just different.
"I don't need or want a walk in closest full of designer clothes. I don't need a car that costs more than most people make in year. I don't need to live in a mansion filled with ten thousand dollar furniture and priceless art. Those are just things. I love my life with Jake; so we won't have the finest things or new things-or hell sometimes things at all, I don't care because he offers me a life full of love and family. I know we will struggle and work for everything we have. I know we will live with his father for the rest of his life and I wouldn't have in any other way, so please don't look down on the life I will have with Jacob just because it isn't how you think it should be because it is the life I want." I stopped as a thought crept into my frazzled brain and I contemplated how I should bring it up. He remained silent after my rant. As his eyes met mine I decided to say it.
"I want to thank you Edward. I want to thank you for what you did that day in the woods. I know I've yelled at you for what you did to me, you did hurt me but if you hadn't done what you did…just thank you. I know you never wanted to turn me, I don't understand exactly why you didn't want to turn me, but I understand now why you wanted me human. I love my family and friends and the thought of leaving them forever to be a vampire sickens me. The thought that I'd have to fake my death so that they didn't look for me tears my soul. I'm Bella Swan, clumsy, neurotic, a little crazy, shy, human, and a ton of other things. I am meant to be all those things. I am meant to blush at the simplest of provocations, I am meant to trip over lint and carry dozens of bruises, I am meant to burn lobster red after twenty minutes in the sun, I am meant to age and wrinkle and grey. I am not meant to be graceful and ethereal, I am not meant to be a vampire and live forever.
"So even though you tore me apart in leaving me you did something I couldn't have done, you got me to see that I am supposed to be human. Because you left you gave me the chance to experience something I never thought I wanted but I wouldn't change for all the money in the world. You forced me to live my life for me for the first time since I was a child. You gave me the chance to be a mother. I can't even explain to you what those girls mean to me or what it means to be their mother. I am blessed in ways I didn't even know one could be blessed in and it is all because you found the strength to leave me when I couldn't even see the other life you offered. I will never be able to adequately show the gratitude I feel for what you did, but thank you from the bottom of my heart." I could see the harsh truth of defeat in his eyes and he remained silent for a few minutes.
"Bella, I don't…Are you happy?" He asked as his eyes once again bore into me.
"For the most part I am. I'm happy with Jacob; he makes me happy, I'm happy with my family and being a mom. I'm also terrified almost all the time but that doesn't distract from my happiness. I know you love me Edward and seeing me with someone else causes you pain but you made the right choice. I wasn't meant to be with you forever. I am meant to be with Jake. Your happiness is out there somewhere, you'll find her and she'll make you happier than I ever could."
"I don't want anyone but you. I don't think I can love anyone but you." He replied sadly.
"You have to let me go. I was never supposed to be yours." I said simply.
"Now I want to talk about why I really came here to talk to you about. I came out here to discuss your presence along the border. I want you to stay away from the treaty line. Your presence along with any other vampire is causing the change in several young men here on the reservation. I don't want any more to lose the childhood that was taken from the pack. I don't want the choices taken from them as well. I'd ask you to leave Forks as well but I know you won't. I also want to ask that you allow the pack to cross the treaty line so that they can return to their old patrol routes. It leaves them incredibly uneasy leaving so many people vulnerable to Victoria and her minions. I know it goes against the treaty but I'm asking you to make an exception."
"Bella it is not my place to make this decision, its Carlisle's so I will ask him when he and the rest of the family come tomorrow. As for staying away from reservation grounds, I will abide your wishes. How shall I contact you with the family's response?"
"Everyone is coming back?" I asked somewhat shocked.
"When they were informed on Victoria's activities and the threat she posed to you they all immediately agreed to come to your aide. They all want to help you in any way possible to clear up the mess we created."
"That's nice…but unneeded." Not really sure what to say.
"Bella we did this to you, put your life in danger. It should be us to take care of the problem."
"Well the pack won't like it."
"I really don't care if they do or not. Now how can I contact you to give you the family's reply?"
"You can call me at the Uley's; the number is in the book. That's where I'm staying right now."
"Okay. Bella I'm sure the family would love to see you. They've all missed you especially Esme and Emmett."
"I don't think that's the best idea. I don't think Jake could handle it. It's hard enough on him now letting me be here with just you, but in a room full of vampires or near seven vampires…no I don't think that's a good idea."
"Okay…" He began.
"Are they moving back permanently?" I blurted out before he could continue.
"They are moving back for as long as they are needed and then we don't know when we'll leave but we can't stay forever." He supplied.
"Oh okay." I still didn't know how to feel about the Cullen's returning. It was something I long believed would never happen and I had come to terms with it. I now had gotten closure with Edward but I hadn't with the family and I didn't know if I even needed to, or wanted to.
We both remained silent after that, lost in our own thoughts and worlds. After what felt like hours I looked up at him. His shoulders hung defeated as his body stood tense. He didn't look up at me but just stood there, still as a statue.
"Do you know how long we've been speaking Edward?" I asked realizing that I was now just waiting for Paul to return. I needed to see Jake and have him take all the uneasy feelings I was filled with at the moment.
"About fifty minutes, why?"
"Just waiting for my ride," I smiled and he sputtered.
"Ride?"
"What never heard of wolf back? It's quite exhilarating."
"That…he lets…he's really irresponsible enough to let you ride a wolf?"
"Let me? He and I are a partnership and he doesn't let him do anything, we talk it out and come to a compromise and the wolf riding he asked me to do because he wanted to show me what it was like, just like you ran with me on your back."
"Okay you made your point."
"I know. You don't need to stay here Edward, he'll be here soon."
"I'm not going to leave you in the forest alone without someone to protect you when Victoria is out there. I'll wait till he comes."
I waited an awkward five more minutes in silence with Edward waiting for Paul. I had never wanted to see him more.
"Izzy?" I heard come from behind me. I whipped around to see Paul walk hesitantly from the thick crop of trees behind me.
"Hey Paul," I called out to him and started walking his way. Once I was in front of him he looked at me searchingly. As if he was trying to detect a change in me.
"Goodbye Bella, either I or Carlisle will contact you with a reply to your question." Edward called out from behind me. Paul quirked an eyebrow at me at Edward's comment but said nothing.
"Ready?" He asked as he picked me up bridal style.
"Your daughters are beautiful Bella." I heard from Edward and I looked at Paul in question.
"Sorry, I just left them so they were on my mind."Paul said quietly.
"Hey its okay, he's going to see them in the minds of the pack soon enough." I whispered.
"Goodbye Edward." As I said it I felt a weight I hadn't known I was carrying lift off and float in the wind. I had finally gotten the closure I had so desperately needed from him since the moment he turned from me all those months ago in the woods.
Paul carried me silently through the woods neither of us said anything for a while. I only spoke when I realized we weren't walking back to Emily's.
"Where are we going?"
"Well after you left everyone decided to head to your place to work on your room. Sam and everyone else will want to know how the talk went; by the way how did your talk with sparkle nuts go?" He grinned broadly at me. I couldn't help but chuckle.
"Sparkle nuts, really?" I said, trying not to laugh.
"I've had to smell his stink and had to put up with his stalker ass for the last week I get to call his sparkly ass whatever I want and there is no way in hell I'm ever calling that tick by his first name or hell even his last."
He had a point but I'd never tell him that, so I remained silent for the rest of our walk. We finally emerged through the trees in the Black's back yard. I took in the place that would soon be my home. I could see the boys working on the new room at the back of the red house I cherished and the garage that held so many memories. The moment Paul and I broke through the camouflage of the trees all worked stopped and they all turned towards us.
Paul set me down and held me gently until I gained my footing. I began walking towards the house when I saw Jacob running to me not trying to hide his unnatural speed. He slowed as he reached me, flung his arms around me and drew me up to his chest trapping me to him with his nose buried in my hair.
He whispered "Bells," breathlessly.
"I'm okay Jake." I replied to his unspoken worry.
He pulled back enough to look in my eyes but not enough to break us apart. He stayed silent as he read me. When he saw that I was telling the truth he set me down.
"Let's go talk with Sam and the pack." I said as he laid his forehead against mine.
"God I hated that you were so close to him." He confessed.
"Well I'm fine and nothing happened. You and I both know it needed to happen." I said and then placed a kiss on his lips.
"Just because I know it did doesn't mean I liked it, I don't trust the leech when it comes to you, or anything else."
I pulled away and slipped my hand into his and pulled him to follow me to the house. He responded by letting my hand go and wrapping his arm around my waist and pulling me against him as we walked back to the house.
Everyone had climbed off the concrete slab and came to stand next to it waiting for Jacob, Paul and I to come to them. I could see that Collin and Brady weren't there and I saw that Emily and Rachel weren't outside. I assumed that they were in the house with the girls.
"So how'd it go?" Sam asked. His arms were crossed across his expansive chest as he leaned against the side of the house.
"It went okay. I asked him to stay away from the treaty line and asked if the pack could be allowed to cross the treaty line to resume regular patrol routes."
"Well what did he say?" Embry asked impatiently.
"He agreed to stay away from the line and that he would speak to Carlisle about patrolling outside of reservation lands."
"Why does he need to speak with Dr. Fang?" Jacob asked from next to me.
"He said it is Carlisle's decision as head of the family and that he will call your house to give his answer within the next day. That's another thing...he said that the whole family is returning to Forks as we speak." I finished meekly afraid of the response to the last part.
"What!" The majority of the wolves screamed causing Emily, Rachel, and Billy to walk out of the house-the first two carrying the girls. Seth left the group and grabbed Charlotte from Emily and returned to his previous position.
"He said that they believed the situation I am in is their fault and they will remain in Forks until I am safe and the mess is cleaned up."
"We don't need or want their help or interference." Paul spat. Before anyone can respond, before a thought could even form in my mind, two soul wrenching, blood curdling howls sound from the woods behind the beach. All the wolves tense.
I know it's not good. The pack tries to keep their calls silent to human ears during daylight. Hearing the calls only means one of two things and neither were a good thing. The pack looked quickly from one another before they moved.
Acting quickly Seth moves to Emily and Rachel as Jacob unceremoniously picked me up and followed Seth. Before we were forced into the house Collin came running up from the beach, eyes frantic and looking for someone. Jacob set me down as we waited for what he had to say. His eyes landed on Sam and he focused on running towards him.
"Sam, Adam and Lucas just phased. Brady and I got them into the woods before they phased and anyone saw them but they are going crazy out there."
"Okay, Jared and Quil I want you to go out and patrol. Jake, I want you to go find Leah and join me to help induct our new wolves. Paul, Seth and Embry I want you to stay here. Paul and Embry I want you to keep working on the house and Seth I want you to stay with the girls in the house. You three will stay here until we come back." Sam ordered.
Seth walked into the house followed by Billy, Rachel, and Emily. I turned at looked at Jacob and I saw that his eyes were pained. He hated that two more youths had their choices taken from them. As much as he was glad that he had become a wolf so that he had the ability to protect me, he still resented everything it had cost him.
I wrapped my arms around his waist and buried myself into his chest trying to give him some comfort.
"Everything will be fine Jake." I whispered into his chest, hoping he believed me. He wrapped his arms around me and gave me a squeeze and then released me. He bent down so that his face was level with mine and pressed his lips to mine. I pressed back. I deepened the kiss and claimed his mouth for mine. I was trying to reassure him with my kiss. He pulled away before I did and laid one more chaste kiss to my lips and then led me into the house. He placed a kiss on the forehead of both Charlotte and Juliana and then walked out the front door.
An uneasy silence had settled over the room. I could see that everyone was lost in their own thoughts. It was expected, the pack hadn't had a new member since Collin and Brady joined mid last June. Back then they had had wolves joining every couple weeks so they hadn't been able to settle and form a cohesive unit yet. Now more than a year later after they had formed the tight knit group they were going to have to reorganize to let two new wolves in.
"Did you guys bring any of the girls' toys over here?" I asked.
"Huh…Oh, yeah, I put some in their diaper bag." Rachel said after she came out of her thoughts.
I pulled the throw off the back of the couch and laid it on the floor. I moved to where Rachel had motioned where the diaper bag was and pulled out a few of the girls' toys. I grabbed Charlotte from Seth and laid her on her belly on the blanket and then moved to grab Juliana from Rachel and placed her next to her sister.
I spent the rest of the day with my daughters and Seth on the living room floor. I played with them while they were awake. Laughed when Seth played raspberries on their bellies and they giggled happily. I watched them in silence while they napped. I didn't speak about my conversation with Edward and none of them asked. We were all walking on eggshells waiting. For Emily she was the most used to new wolves joining the pack as she was around for every member, for me I had been present for every wolf after Jacob. For Rachel she came back after Collin and Brady joined and even after Victoria attacked for the first time, this was all new and I could see the tension and apprehension rolling off her.
When the time for dinner neared Emily popped up from her position on the couch and marched to the kitchen and began nosily banging pots and pans around. I didn't know if she was making anything or if she had just decided to rearrange the Black's kitchen to keep her busy so I decided to investigate. Making sure Seth was watching the girls I stood and walked the short distance to see that Emily had torn the kitchen apart. The contents of several cupboards were strewn across the floor of the kitchen and she was currently buried in the fridge pulling several items out. The sight would have been laughable if I didn't know she was doing to distract herself.
"Emily," I asked hesitantly, worried to break her groove.
"What…Oh, sorry, I came in here to make something for us to all eat and I went into the cupboard there and they had canned goods mixed with baking supplies and then I went to look for mixing bowls and they were on the other side of the kitchen so I decided to reorganize the kitchen so that everything is easy to find. And then while I was doing that I realized I still had to make something to eat so I was going through the fridge and I found all these expired items so I am now cleaning the fridge out." She spoke quickly and in one breath. When she finished she took a long and deep breath.
"Emily you don't need to do that, I'm sure when I move in I'll do it anyways and I'm sure the fridge has expired food because they've been having the majority of their meals at your place. Just relax, if you want to make dinner then you can do that but you don't need to do the rest."
"But Bella I have to do something, cooking isn't enough." She cried out desperately.
"Emily…what's wrong?" Even though I knew what was causing her quiet hysteria I didn't know why she was this upset over new wolves.
"There are new wolves Bella, two. That's twelve in the pack. That is four times larger than the last pack, three times larger than the largest recorded pack. This is bad. Do you know what this means? It means that what's coming is going to be bad and…and." She stopped as she quietly began crying. Seeing her like that caused a long ago memory to click in my head. I wanted to ask her something so I walked up to her, pulled her into a tight hug and then pulled back to drag her with me to the bathroom.
In the bathroom I turned the sink, shower and vent fan on. Once she shut the door I walked really close to her so I could whisper. I knew if I spoke at normal volume Seth could hear me and what I wanted to ask needed to stay out of the pack mind.
"Emily I want to ask you something?" I whispered into her ear. She just nodded at me questioningly.
I leaned in whispered my suspicion and her eyes widened with shock as tears slid down her eyes. All the panic that I had seen etching her face in the kitchen fell away as she smiled brightly as happy tears trickled out of her eyes as she nodded.
"How…h-h-how did you know?" She asked in a shocked whisper.
"Something about you looked strikingly familiar and something you said the other day just made everything click."
"You can't tell anyone." She begged.
"Why do you think I dragged you into the bathroom and turned all the water on? I knew you wouldn't want anyone to know if it was true. Your secret is safe with me. But don't wait too long or they will figure it out for themselves."
"I know."
"Let's go make some grub and clean up that kitchen." I said smiling and then turned to shut everything off.
We walked back into the kitchen where she began putting everything away and I looked through the fridge to find enough food to feed the wolves and the humans. I found enough food and pulled it out and placed it on the counter. Emily grabbed it and began preparing it. I left her to set the table and then went into the living room.
As the smells of Emily's cooking permeated the house Embry and Paul came in. Both stopping once they were inside lifting their noses and taking deep breaths. They then moved and plopped down on the couch on each side of Rachel who had yet to move.
"Man new wolves, this is weird. It will be good that we won't have two shifts with two wolves any more but I was just starting to enjoy the drama free pack and now who knows what will happen."Embry sighed.
"What do you mean?" I ask. I had a feeling I wasn't going to like what he had to say.
"I mean everyone in the pack has seen every girl on the res. and now we've all see the girls so no drama filled imprinting can happen but now with two new wolves we welcome a whole new world of problems." He explained but I was now gripped in panic as I looked at my daughters on the floor in front of me. As much as I hated that Seth imprinted on Charlotte I had come to terms with it because I loved and trusted Seth and I believed nothing romantic would become of the imprint but these two new wolves were different. They had no familial bond to Jacob or me. What Embry said was true, at the moment all the wolves had looked at Juliana and hadn't imprinted, but that might not hold true for the new wolves and I didn't know them. I had already lost Charlotte to an imprint I don't think I could bare if I lost Juliana as well.
I knew I wasn't thinking very rationally at the moment but couldn't stop the track of my thoughts as panic took me. I stayed in that frame of mind as we waited for dinner to finish.
Emily walked out of the kitchen and I assumed she was going to call us to dinner when the front door opened and in walked Jared, Quil and Brady who moved to sit on the floor. Paul moved from his spot next to Rachel and sat in front of Rachel's legs and she bent over to wrap her arms around his shoulders resting her chin on his left shoulder leaning her head on his. I picked up Juliana and Seth picked up Charlotte to make more room for the wolves. Soon the front door opened and in walked Sam, Jacob and Leah. Jacob's eyes quickly searched for me and then he gave me a small smile and made his way to me.
"Emily, do you have enough for two more?" Sam asked from the doorway.
"Uh…yeah sure, just let me set two more settings." She replied and walked back into the kitchen.
"Hey Embry, could you pull out two more chairs and another table section from the hall closet?" Emily yelled out from the kitchen and Embry jumped to help.
Jacob pulled me and Juliana up and placed me in his lap. He bent around me and placed a kiss on Juliana's head and then one on mine. I relaxed into him but all of the tension that strung my spine tight didn't leave me.
"You ready to meet Adam and Lucas." He whispered into my ear. I pulled Juliana closer to my chest and turned slightly causing a curtain of my hair to fall over her head.
The front door and two man-boys walked into the room looking incredibly apprehensive. Their eyes scanned the room slowly. I was shaking in fear that they'd imprint on my baby girl and I could see Jacob in the corner of my eye give me a weird look.
Sam pulled Emily into his arms as she came out of the kitchen. Then Sam began introducing everyone in the room, it was then that I realized that every wolf with an imprint in the room had them near them.
When Sam introduced Charlotte to the boys Seth turned her so that they could see her. My shaking grew worse. As Sam pointed Juliana out I couldn't take it and jumped and sprinted out of the room, Juliana clutched close to my chest, and ran into Rachel's room because I knew Jacob's was out of commission.
I sat on her bed and just breathed more heavily as my heart raced. I couldn't understand where this mind numbing panic was coming from. I know I reacted badly when Seth imprinted on Charlotte but it had less to with Seth and the imprint and more to do with my fears about Jacob. I was near tears and soon enough Juliana picked up on my raging emotions and started crying. I stood and started comforting her and myself.
"Its okay baby girl, everything is going to be okay." I said as I bounced her up and down against my chest.
The door of the room and Jacob walked in with his brows furrowed and a pacifier in his hand. He walked up to me, gave Juliana the pacifier and attempted to take her from me. When I whimpered he immediately pulled his hand away from her worry filling his eyes. When I met his eyes I realized where my panic was coming from and the conversation I had earlier with Paul came to mind.
"Bells honey, what's wrong? Why…Paul says that I need to talk to you, that there is a reason you are acting like this. Are you afraid of Adam and Lucas?"
"Jake there is something that I need to tell you, something I should have told you a while ago." I said as I moved back to sit on the bed. "You're going to want to sit down for this." I whispered. He sat down next to me and pulled my hand into his.
"Paul when I tell Jacob you can relay what you know to Emily and Billy who won't be able to hear." I said because I knew all the wolves would hear what I was going to tell Jacob and I wanted the others who didn't know to understand what was going on.
"Bella what's going on, what does Paul know?" He asked his voice was thick.
"I know we haven't talked a lot about what it was like for me in California and I have talked a lot about my pregnancy or the…delivery. There is a reason for that. Paul and Rachel know that reason. The first day you watched the girls by yourself…when I came to pick them up me and Paul got into a row and I told him things I have trouble even thinking about. I was scared what you would think about me if you found out so I asked Sam to order Paul not to think about it or be able to tell anyone. I now I should have told you because it is something you should've known from the beginning. I was just afraid that you would hate me when you found out and we weren't at a place where I could take you hating me."
"That's your and Paul's understanding isn't it?" He asked, his voice held some anger in it.
"Yes, I guess it allowed him to see me in a different light then the leech-lover."
"What do you have to tell me?"
"It's about Juliana and the day she was born." I began.
A/N2: Sorry this is out later than the date I said in last chapter, I was looking at the wrong month when I gave you the date. I am also sorry that I haven't been sticking to the schedule I originally told you, I am trying my hardest but these next few chapters may break that because I am setting up a lot of future events and I have to make sure I don't leave plot holes. This is now the longest chapter I've written. The Edward/Bella conversation didn't go the way I originally planned but I like it better. Thank you to everyone who reviewed and read the last chapter as well as has continued to follow this story. I love the responses you leave me; they inspire me to keep working hard. Thank you to everyone who has set this story for alerts and favorites. Please let me know what you think of the chapter. Also I have a quick question, do you want me to write Bella telling Jacob or just skim over it. Let me know either in a review or in a PM.