Guys, I'm kind of devastated right now. I don't know what the fuck is happening in my country. I don't know why there's such a mess, why there's so many bigots, why we decided a global market crash was a good idea, what's going to happen regarding our Prime Minister, what it means for everyone, who lives here or doesn't, who has travelled here from other countries. I woke up feeling sick. I'm comforting myself slightly in an AKF top right now. I voted remain. I'm posting this chapter because I can't concentrate properly on writing but I need to do something at least slightly normal. If you're not English, and this affects you in some way: I'm so sorry. I'm also planning to emigrate, if I can.
Things calmed down after a few days, and for the first time in a long time, Sam actually enjoyed himself at his parents house. Gabriel kept helping Mary in the kitchen, learning her cookie recipes and teaching her some of his favourites too, and Sam took to propping himself at the counter with a book, listening to them exclaim over vanilla and the pros and cons of cocoa powder while he did some cramming. It was nice to hear them bonding, to know that his mother was still making the effort and that Gabriel felt that he could involve himself.
Sometimes Dean and Castiel would sit with them too, Castiel happily decorating a batch of cupcakes while Dean ate all the decorations, and Sam would listen to them all talking and laughing together, chiding Dean for eating all the frosting and comparing Mary and Gabriel's efforts. The only person conspicuously absent was John, but no one wanted to bring up the topic, as though they could all sense how fragile this easy happiness was and knew that thoughts of their father's attitude would destroy it all.
"So, when do you get published, Castiel?" Mary asked as she rolled out some pastry for Dean's apple pie.
"It was a couple of months ago, to coincide with the tour. I have a copy for you. Dean, could you go get it?"
"Why me?" Dean asked around a mouthful of marshmallow.
"Because, I need something to top these cupcakes with."
Dean moved off, grumbling, and Sam shut his book, watching as everyone else moved around the kitchen, still baking.
"Nicely done, Castiel."
"Thank you. Although, he's been talking non-stop about your pies for about two weeks, he might be a little mad at me." Castiel pursed his lips for a moment, but then continued decorating his cupcake, as though Dean's anger was irrelevant. It probably was, Sam considered, to Castiel anyway. A little mad probably meant that Dean's irritation would last the length of time it took to retrieve his book. "I hope you like the book anyway."
"Is it a torrid love affair between two guys?" Gabriel joked, sneaking a mouthful of cookie dough while Mary's back was turned. Sam watched as he closed his eyes in a moment of bliss before swallowing, and found himself smiling.
"Of course. I think homoerotic porn is the perfect gift for my mother-in-law," Castiel shook his head in exasperation. "Ask Dean what it's about."
"Ask me what what's about?" Dean asked as he walked back into the room, placing Castiel's book gently on the counter, away from the flour spills. Sam craned his neck and looked at the front.
"That's Cas' book?"
"It's a pen name," Castiel said absent-mindedly, concentrating on his current cupcake. "And please, don't let on to your friends that it's not real. I'm trying to get used to being called Jimmy."
"Jimmy Novak can't remember his own name," Dean quipped.
"Jimmy Novak ate all the frosting." Castiel shot back. Sam looked up at Gabriel and his mother again, and they both shrugged back at him. Clearly, Dean and Castiel were speaking their own language. Again. "Your mom wanted to know what it was about."
Dean frowned, and reached for the book. Sam swiped it before he could get it, knowing his brother was planning on trotting out the blurb.
"Okay, um, Russian revolution in … it's not a real time? Something about … I don't know Cas, I barely followed any of your conversations about this."
Castiel smiled at his cupcake.
"Don't eat all the frosting."
Sam smirked at Gabriel, who raised his eyebrows back. Castiel and Dean had seemed so perfectly united for so long, it was strange to hear them snarking at each other like this, however good-natured they were being about their miniature argument. It was still reassuring for Sam, when he and Gabriel were still tenuous. He looked down at the book in his hands and started to read the blurb, pleasantly surprised by what he read. He hadn't expected that Castiel would write a political thriller, and he wanted to read it himself. He cracked it open as they all began talking about pie fillings, and was soon submerged in the story.
Castiel could write. Sam didn't feel like he was sitting in a warm kitchen in the middle of Kansas while his odd little family prepared for their festivities. He felt like he was freezing in a small town near Moscow and viewing all the desolation that led to the crux of Castiel's novel. He'd managed to plough through two chapters before he came back to the real world.
"Have you looked for a place yet?" Mary was asking. Sam looked over the top of the book, as his mother turned to Gabriel, sliding the pies into the oven and pulling out another batch of cookies.
"Not yet. Sam said he's happy for a studio apartment, but I want something a bit bigger." Gabriel was scooping cookies off of the baking tray, onto Mary's cooling rack.
"Not quite what I was saying," Sam said absent-mindedly.
"So, giant sprawling mansion is okay?" Gabriel teased.
"Sure. I'm sure you'll find something totally affordable in the Bay area."
"How about we compromise on a three bed?"
Sam shook his head, and Castiel interrupted.
"Gabriel, it's not a compromise when that's what you were after in the first place."
"We're going for some viewings. In the new year," Gabriel announced. "When Sam gets five minutes break from studying."
"Are we?"
"Yes."
"When did we decide that?"
"In this conversation. Right now. We just had to clear up the bedsit versus mansion issue."
"To get the three bed walk up you've been wanting all along," Sam deadpanned. "Please can we tell Andy that it's the bedsit? Otherwise he's going to move in too."
"So now I have to decide between you and Andy?"
Sam shot Gabriel a dirty look.
"Andy's mine."
"I am so not following you two at all," Dean interrupted. Gabriel grinned at him.
"If it makes you feel better, Dean, this is exactly what it's like being in the same room as you and Cas. All the frigging time." He raised a shoulder at Sam. "Okay, can we please go looking at places in the new year? It's going to take ages to find a place we both like and do all the paperwork stuff, especially with you laywering all over it."
"I don't 'lawyer' over anything," Sam retorted.
"Well, if you want mould, leave it to me."
Sam sighed, and put the book back onto the counter, looking at Gabriel seriously, aware that their brothers and his mother were watching them, waiting for an all out argument. But Sam was done with arguing, he didn't want that for their relationship. More than anything, he wanted Gabriel to just discuss these ideas with him, rather than announcing them in situations where Sam couldn't contradict him without receiving those looks.
"Fine, I'll go over the paperwork."
"Why are you agreeing so easily?" Gabriel gave him a side-eye.
"Because then I get final say." Sam snatched up Castiel's book, and walked out the kitchen. He heard Gabriel's "dammit" as he headed into the front room, sinking down onto the couch and getting back to the world that Castiel had created.
In bed that night, Gabriel rolled over onto Sam's stomach just as he was trying to sleep.
"Are you mad at me? Again, I mean."
"No."
"Felt like it a little. I'm not going to lie to your mom about us moving in together. She's going to know one way or another."
"Gabe, you blindsided me. We've talked about moving in together, but nothing else. And now we're getting the house you want, in the area you probably want and I just … we should be talking about this kind of thing before you announce it to everyone."
"Well, okay, what do you want?"
"I don't know, I want to shop around. Find somewhere that feels like us. Somewhere we can afford. I already feel bad that you're the one paying out here."
Gabriel started caressing his chest, and Sam watched his face. It was pensive for once, and he was staring at the mole on Sam's chin, not quite meeting his eye.
"I'm not thinking of it like that, Sam. When you're in a firm or a partner or whatever they call it, I'd expect that you'd want to pay towards our rent-"
"Mortgage."
"Fine. But for now, just focus on college, okay? And I guess I want to prove I can take care of you. None of your family think I can, you know that right?"
"I know." Sam said softly.
"Although I think I now have your mom convinced that I can feed you, at least."
"I wasn't mad at you," Sam repeated. "Just a little uncomfortable."
"Sorry."
They were silent for a few moments, listening to the distant creak of someone else turning in their sleep.
"Can we try a new thing?" Sam suggested eventually. "Where you don't have to apologise all the time suddenly?"
"Stop fucking up, got it."
"I mean it, Gabe. If you stop having to apologise, you're not going to get judged by them all constantly. Stop trying to make everything so extreme. Can we not just go along and work it out as we go, just a little? Can you stop making plans without me and surprising me with them? I know you're trying to spoil me, but it's frustrating."
"Okay," Gabriel said quietly. "I'll find other ways to spoil you."
"Christmas presents are acceptable."
"Better get you one."
"I know you already got me something."
"Maybe. What do you really want?"
"A diploma?"
"So, the butt plug wasn't a good idea?"
There was a tense pause for a moment, and Gabriel lifted his head.
"Please say there's not a butt plug under my parents tree. I don't think I can handle Dad having a heart attack. I don't know how I'd explain it to my mom-"
"Sam, I was kidding." He squeezed Sam's side gently.
"It's not off the cards," Sam whispered back. "Just not in front of my parents."
"Yeah? So, as long as it's just the two of us, we can still play?"
"Sure."
Gabriel went quiet, but Sam knew he was awake and thinking from the way he was still positioned above him, from the slight sheen of his eyes that reflected the weak light from the streetlights outside.
"I'm going to wreck you, next Valentine's Day," he promised eventually. "You're not going to be able to sit in lectures for like, three days."
"Then I want it to be February already." Sam pulled him closer, snuggling down. "I also think we should get a pet when we move into our place."
"Hmmm, like a cat."
"Yeah. Like a dog."
Gabriel laughed, and kissed his chest.
"Shut up and go to sleep. I need to go and remove a butt plug from under the tree."