A/N: Really enjoyed writing the 'boys', hope you enjoy it! - RS
Chapter 25 – The Logic of Love
In which John clues in a clueless Sherlock.
Into the shocked silence that followed the departure from 221B of Lady Lillian Fairfax and Mr. Ronald Somers, a stunned Sherlock sank down onto his chair, pulled his legs up, wrapping his arms around them and rested his forehead on his knees. He was so very bewildered as to what had just happened. Why had Lilly reacted like that? As if she thought he didn't want her here? It was quite evident that he did. Clearly. He had even gone so far as to explain his reasoning. And yet, based on the anger she had expressed, she had obviously mistaken his intent somehow. Now she was gone and he was unsure as to what he was supposed to do about it. If anything.
As he attempted replay the conversation in his mind to see where Lilly had gotten it wrong, he was interrupted by John's breathing. Good lord, the man was across the room and he could still hear him breathing. Deep inhalation, forceful exhale, 3 second pause, repeat. Based on this breathing pattern, Sherlock deduced that John was furious at him. For reasons which were not completely apparent to Sherlock. Taking a deep breath of his own, Sherlock composed his face into a blank mask before raising his head from his knees to look at John, who was standing there all but quivering in his anger. Sherlock remained a bit shaken by Lilly's abrupt leave-taking, but he was not about to show that to anyone, not even John. Which of course didn't mean much as he was fairly sure that John would be able to tell anyway. So he met John's eyes and calmly waited for the good doctor to start the lecture that was no doubt unavoidably imminent.
"Well, that went just brill, wouldn't you say? Just brilliant! Bloody hell, Sherlock, what is the matter with you?" John had started speaking with a finger pointed at Sherlock, then lowered it and straightened his spine, pulling his shoulders back, clasping his hands behind his back and widening his stance. Sherlock groaned inwardly as he recognising what he referred to in his own mind as John's modified inspection posture. Settling in as it were for the serious lecture he was about to give, which automatically put Sherlock on the defensive.
"You have to go after her and apologise. Really, I'm serious, Sherlock. Don't even try to argue with me about it. You were wrong." At that word, Sherlock's eyes suddenly turned an icy blue, as they narrowed dangerously and he turned that iciness on John, all but telling him to not go there, but John wasn't having any of that, and continued in a slightly louder voice, "Wrong, Sherlock. Yes, you were. Don't look at me like that. You were wrong and we both know it. And now you need to go after her, tell her you're sorry, that you're an idiot, whatever you need to say, and get that girl back. God knows, Sherlock, Lilly's shown she is willing to put up with an awful lot from you, an awful lot, but even I'm not surprised that she walked out after that display."
Still stung from the accusation that he was wrong, which was the one thing above all others that Sherlock abhorred being told he was, he coldly replied, "I don't know what you mean, John. Clearly Lilly is the one behaving in an illogical manner. I fail to see where I am in the wrong here."
When John snorted with mock laughter in response to that, it was enough to have Sherlock on his feet and advancing on him until they were a mere hand width apart and he was able to look down his nose at John. Height gave him an advantage, though the pyjama bottoms and bare feet did take something away from the intimidation he was trying to project. John just stood his ground and glared up at Sherlock towering over him. Sherlock had to give John some credit for not backing down, even as it annoyed him to continue this conversation. Though perhaps by discussing this episode with John, it might prove helpful in deciphering what exactly it was that Lilly took umbrage to.
Still, he was very irritated with John for telling him he was wrong. How could he possibly be wrong? Perhaps he needed to repeat the logic to John for him to understand. "I was merely trying to reassure her that she had a place here with us. That she did not have to return to her family. And I am using the term family very loosely here."
"How completely clueless are you, Sherlock? Do you even have the slightest idea, the very slightest at all, what you just said to that lovely girl?" John, who was still noticeably angry and not taking any pains to hide it, backed up so he could look Sherlock in the eye to see if any of this was getting through that thick head of his. "Besides calling her ridiculous, which anyone who had any sense, any sense at all, would know not to do by the way, besides that, Sherlock, you basically told her that if she moved in here she would not be an inconvenience. An inconvenience, Sherlock! You clot! You bleedin' git!"
"Well, she was being ridiculous, John! Completely illogical." In the face of John's name calling, Sherlock retreated in a huff back to his chair, throwing himself down sideways so his legs hung over the arm. So far, he thought, this wasn't turning out to be particularly helpful to his understanding of what had gone amiss with Lilly. Fine, he could comprehend how the term ridiculous could have possibly upset her, but how in the world could she have taken offence to his attempt to reassure her? Clearly, John was wrong about that! "And for that matter, please explain how my attempt to reassure her that it would be of no inconvenience to us for her to move in could possibly have been the incorrect thing to do."
"Oh my god, for a genius, you are so bloody dim sometimes, Sherlock. Listen to what you just said. How can you not get it? No woman in love wants to have the man she's in love with tell her that she wouldn't be an inconvenience, or to put as you so eloquently did earlier," John put his hands up and did the two finger bracket motion on either side of his head, "Quote we are more than willing to have you disrupt our lives end quote."
Sherlock didn't hear anything John said after the 'woman in love/the man she's in love with' part. It was like his brain got stuck there and kept replaying that part over and over. Lilly loved him? How could John possibly know that? More to the point, what did that actually mean, Lilly being in love with him? The entire concept of love, being in love, falling in love, etc etc, was alien to Sherlock. It was an emotion, a completely illogical biological reaction. One that he didn't have a great deal of experience with. Oh, he was aware that it was possible for someone to become attracted to him and to consider themselves in love with him. There had been a few females, when he was younger and hadn't yet understood to make it clear right away that he wasn't interested, who had expressed that sentiment to him. He was aware that Molly Hooper had some sort of silly notion about him, though she seemed to have gotten over it last night… Hmmm. The Woman, Irene Adler, had shown that she had been strongly attracted to him not that long ago and see where that got her! Ha! So it wasn't that he couldn't understand that someone might become attracted to him to the point of falling in love, it was that it just didn't seem like a very logical thing to do. With him being as he was and all. Not exactly love material, so to say. And one thing he did know for certain about Lilly was that for the most part she was a very logical person. He had found it to be exciting to watch as she logically worked through an idea or a problem. He actually enjoyed observing as she used her mind. So this whole idea of illogical emotion seemed not altogether fitting. Although, if Lilly was experiencing this imbalance of emotional attachment to him, that would go quite a long way in explaining her illogical behaviour this morning.
At that thought, Sherlock turned the analysis onto himself, and his own behaviour. What was he feeling for Lilly? Was it possible that he was in love with her also? It was a struggle to attempt understand all this…raw feeling, this churning emotional wave. In love? Was that the label for what all of this was? All this touching, kissing, showing of affection? This is what it felt like to be in love? He was clueless, apparently. All the feelings that he had been experiencing with Lilly were confusing, because he had never actually had these precise sensations before. What he had felt for the Adler woman was not even close to the feelings he was experiencing with Lilly. He had admired Irene, her genius, her style, but he had not loved her, nor had he been in love with her apparently, though he had quite liked her rather a lot.
Oh, of course, he had felt love before. He loved his mother, he had loved Nanny, and he loved Mrs. Hudson, naturally. The love of a boy, then of a man, for his mother and the other caring women in his life. He loved Mycroft, who in spite of everything was his brother after all. He even loved John, as his best and only friend, not that he would ever admit that though. But this feeling for Lilly was very different from the feelings he had for his mother, Mycroft or John. No, this type of love was new. Compared to the force of what he felt for Lilly, what he felt for the others seemed a mere fondness.
He became aware that John had stopped talking. From the way that his friend was staring so intently at him, it might have been awhile, and he did seem to be waiting for a response of some kind. Time occasionally passed differently for Sherlock than it did for other people, and this appeared to be one of those occasions, though he didn't think it had been more than a few moments based on the angle of the shadows in the room caused by the light filtering in through the window.
Sherlock flipped his legs around and planted his feet on the floor, sitting upright in the chair. Tilting his head slightly down and to the right, he looked up at John suspiciously from under his brow. "How do you know?"
John, caught off guard by the abrupt question, was confused for a moment, as he had been waiting for Sherlock to answer the question he had himself asked Sherlock over a minute ago, which was what are you going to do about this…and wasn't sure what they were talking about now. "What are you going on about Sherlock? I'm still waiting for you to tell me how you plan to fix this."
"That isn't important right now, John. Tell me. How. Do. You. Know?"
John blew a hard breath out and rolled his eyes to the ceiling. "Fine. We'll do it your way. I'll play along. How do I know what?"
"You called Lilly a woman in love, John. You inferred that she was in love with me. How could you possibly know that?" Sherlock's eyes lost their focus for a bit, then he looked up sharply at John. "Based on your failure to find love on your own behalf, I do not know that I should be trusting in your ability to recognise it in others."
"Well, thanks for that, Sherlock. Could you be a bigger arse? I don't know why I bother with you!" John turned away impatiently, then remembered that this was Sherlock he was talking to, a man who most of the time really didn't mean to be such an arse on purpose. Trying to keep that in mind, he took a deep calming breath before turning back to face Sherlock with a fake smile of mild interest on his face and his arms folded over his chest. "Would you like to take a stab at my skills as a medical doctor next?"
"Oh please, John, you know what I meant. I was merely referring to-"
"Oh shut up, I know what you were referring to but we are not talking about me, Sherlock. We are talking about you and Lilly. And I know because, besides that fact that anyone with eyes can see how she feels about you, it's that embarrassingly obvious, except of course to the world's most observant man, that she's in love with you, besides that Sherlock, I know because she told me. She sat right there in the kitchen with me, last night, drinking hot chocolate, and told me that she loved you. Yup. Straight out. Lilly told me, Sherlock. Told me she loved you. So. That's good enough to be going on, don't you think, eh?"
Quite, Sherlock thought. More than enough to be going on. Standing up, he grinned at John, surprising him with the sudden change in his demeanor. Gesturing with an elegant hand down along his body, he continued, "Well, what about me then, John? Based on my recent behaviour and what you see before you now. Would you say that I'm in love with Lilly? Just your expert opinion will do."
John slowly nodded his head as he grinned back. "Oh, yes. Sherlock, my friend, you are. You are indeed. Crazy in love with Lilly. In my expert opinion."
"Hmmm. Interesting. Very much so. In fact, I do believe you to be correct in your opinion. Your assistance in clearing this particular matter up was most helpful, John. Yes. Quite helpful. Clearly, I must be in love with Lilly." Sherlock stood there in his pyjama bottoms and bare feet, looking thoughtful, but not alarmed at the idea of being in love with Lilly. Then with a quick nod of his head, he walked around John and toward the bedroom with the intention of getting dressed, adding over his shoulder, "With that terribly important revelation out of the way, what say you to getting on with the business of wrapping up Lilly's case? Call Lestrade. Have him collect Victoria, Lady Constance and Lord Henry and inform him that we will meet them at the morgue in two hours. Text Somers and have him deliver Lilly there also, and to tell her to wait in Molly's office until we are ready. I've already texted Molly of what we will require from her."
As he heard the bedroom door shut, John just stood there shaking his head and wondering once again what exactly went on in that man's head. One minute admitting he's in love, this man who claims to not feel emotions, the next moving right on to business at hand. But still with no plan on how he plans to fix things with Lilly when all is said and done! He set about texting Ron Somers and was just about to call Lestrade, when the bedroom door opened again, and Sherlock poked his head out.
"And once we have all that out of the way, I'll turn my energies into groveling or what have you, in order to win back the favour of the fair Lady. Though I may require some of your assistance with that as well."
John's first thought in response was that the man must read minds. His second thought was that Sherlock was going to need all the help he could get. The third thought being fairly sure Lilly wouldn't put up too much of a fight if faced with a groveling Sherlock. Still, the final thought, was that he might actually enjoy watching that.