Chapter Twenty-Three

I had been so furious with Jimmy (James? It was hard to even know what to call him anymore) and yet as the days passed and I waited for a trip to Hogwarts to speak with the portrait of Dumbledore, I felt my anger fade. Part of it was that it was hard to stay mad at Jimmy for decisions James had made, since as separate as I felt to Lily at times, I felt the same towards him. It seemed unfair to blame him for things that he was only now starting to remember. But time was a confusing thing at the moment, as things that happened literally decades ago were so fresh in my memory that it seemed as if it had just happened. The other part was that, like it or not, Jimmy was the only one who understood my situation, who I could talk about it with.

It had been so foolish of me to get so mad at him, but I felt so jumbled up and confused and out of sorts that I flashed hot and cold so easily. Could I still use the excuse that I was a redhead even though my appearance was different? Now that I had a plan of action, and yet at the same time couldn't act on it right away, it gave me some much needed reflection time. Instead of focusing on my upcoming appointment, and, you know, answers about who I was and my destiny and IMPORTANT stuff, I was focusing on the fate of my relationship with Jimmy. God, at times it was amazing to remember that even though I was technically in my 40s, I had the body of a woman in her early twenties, and god even knows what the state of my mind was. So yes, here I was focusing on my relationship problems like a teenager. I was disgusted with myself, and yet not enough to stop my thoughts and redirect them to the actual important things.

But how would I apologize? I felt too awkward and guilty to just approach him, and I had considered inviting him to go to Hogwarts with me, but I quickly rejected it. Somehow it felt wrong, that my conversation was something I needed to do alone. So two afternoons after our argument, I was sitting on Hermione's couch, frowning and biting my lip as I considered. The TV was playing, but I was ignoring it completely, so it was just white noise. What if I brought him flowers or chocolates after work? I dismissed that thought, it was too "man messes up in a romantic comedy" for me. CLEARLY I had been watching too many of those while Hermione was out.

"Someone looks pensive," Hermione said from behind me, making me jump. I hadn't heard her come in.

"Oh, I had an argument with Jimmy a few days ago and I'm not really sure what to do."

"About what?" She asked. Once again I wished I could tell her everything, partly because just getting it out would be nice (and could, maybe, give me a bit more perspective), and partly because having Hermione's brains would be amazing. She had the envious position of being somewhat involved and yet not too involved to see. And also it made it so frustrating to talk, since I had to consider what half-truths I would say.

"I guess I got frustrated at my lack of memories and got mad at him for something he didn't even do, after he was honest with me and I didn't know how to react. Well, not mad, I just walked away, but I'm not sure how to contact him again," I finally replied.

"I'm not very good at that kind of thing. Merlin, Ron and I had the most horrid arguments at school, and we would give each other the silent treatment for months until usually Harry got so fed up that he'd force us to talk, or whatever danger we were facing that year got in the way. So I'm probably not the best person to ask for advice," Hermione laughed.

"Is it better now that you're dating and also no longer in school?"

"Yes and no, he likes to think that he can bribe my forgiveness with a book."

"Does it work?" Knowing what I did about Hermione's feelings towards Ron and Harry, it was hard to imagine them snogging.

"Sometimes, but don't tell him that! It's the principle of the matter. Other times one of us will try to shut the other up mid argument by snogging, which is NOT me telling you to do that, by the way. I'd like to hope that someday we could be the type of friends, ah, couples, to just be able to contact each other the next day acting as if nothing had ever happened, but unfortunately we're both too stubborn and proud and convinced that we're right to ever do that. So it just stays unresolved for ages."

Hermione's words gave me an idea, that I could just start out by acting as if nothing had happened, and THEN tell him that I had forgiven him. As much as I hated to admit it, I was also too proud to just straight up admit that I was wrong. I mean, I still would if for some reason he wasn't ok with it. Teenage mind still, remember?

"Thanks, that was actually really helpful, surprisingly," I teased. Hermione bumped my shoulder with hers and we sat in companionable silence for a bit.

"Oh! I meant to tell you this right away but your pensiveness distracted, I heard back from Minerva, and we can go in tomorrow if that's alright?"

I bit back the temptation to make a sarcastic comment about consulting my extremely busy schedule, since this was such a huge deal. "That's wonderful! Thank you so much for setting this up, you're the best!"

That night I didn't sleep very well, as I tossed and turned and considered what I would say to Dumbledore. It would be so nice to get answers, but at the same time it was hard to know what questions to ask when I only had half of my memories back!

I was groggy the following morning as I munched my toast and drank my coffee, so I didn't talk much. The nice thing about living with Hermione was that she didn't mind and would just happily continue to read whatever she was reading at the time instead of trying to engage me in conversation.

Before too long we were at the Headmaster's (or now Headmistress, as Professor McGonagall was now in charge. It was strange to think of Hogwarts without Dumbledore!) and for a second all I could do was gape. I had the feeling that I had just been there (after all, it had only been a few days since my last flashback) and yet at the same time it felt like I was home after so long away. I guess in a way both were true, but it just added to the jumbled feelings I'd had since my coma that somehow seemed to get worse as more information led to more questions.

We were there only a minute before McGonagall greeted us and led us to where the portraits were. I inhaled deeply as I faced Dumbledore's portrait, but while he smiled at me politely, his face showed no signs of recognition. I tried not to be discouraged, after all, I didn't look like myself and it didn't mean that he didn't have the answers I was looking for. It'd be better if I could have talked to the real Dumbledore, but sadly I was a few years too late for that.

"Professor, this is Kendra. She recently recovered from a coma and has been staying with me while she recovers. She wanted to speak with you about a few things," Hermione said to the portrait. If I hadn't been looking so closely at Dumbledore, I wouldn't have noticed the quick flash of grief when Hermione said "my" name. I briefly wondered what that was about, but then reminded myself that that wasn't what I was here for, and that certain mysteries would have to wait and were none of my business. "It's a pleasure," the portrait responded with the usual twinkling blue eyes, "I would shake your hand but alas." I gave a nod of greeting in response, still too nervous to say anything else.

"Well, I'll leave you to it," Hermione said, and she and McGonagall walked out. It spoke of how well McGonagall trusted Hermione, who then trusted me, that she would leave me alone for this. I felt a quick flash of pride for my friend, knowing that getting such a high opinion from McGonagall was rare. But then they were both gone, and suddenly I felt the weight of this conversation again. For a moment the portrait and I didn't speak, just observed each other. I hoped that the spell preventing me from talking wouldn't happen here, with someone who knew. But, I reminded myself, there was no way to know unless I actually started talking.

"Professor, you're probably wondering who I am and why I am here," I started awkwardly. I took a deep breath. "I'm Lily Evans, sir." He looked at me sharply and said, "Ah, I wondered but I wasn't certain. You have questions I imagine?" I nodded. "Yes, I found Jimmy, that is James, and he told me a bit of what happened. That you and he came to an arrangement, found some spell that would protect us. But I don't understand. I know that Harry managed to escape the killing curse, the only one to do so, yet it didn't impact him the way it did to me and James. What happened? Why can't I talk to anyone about it?"

"Do you have all of your memories back yet?"

"No," I admitted.

"The brain is a magical and mysterious thing. The truth is that you and James both went through a traumatic experience that night, and your memories will come back as you heal, as you're ready to face those memories. The spell is to prevent you from talking to people who might hurt you while you're still recovering. I can answer some of your questions, but, unfortunately, some will have to wait as you remember more. I will tell Minerva to expect you again."

I nodded, feeling glum that I still had a long road of recovery and unanswered questions ahead of me, relieved that another person knew who I was, but also not surprised at his vagueness. While I might not have all of my memories of Dumbledore back, he was someone who held a lot of secrets and would only give them to you as he felt was necessary.

"Alright, what can you tell me?"

"It is wonderful that you've found Mr. Potter, he will be important to your recovery and you to his. I know you must feel frustrated with him. Remember that love is powerful, and has played and will continue to play an important role in your lives." I nodded again. While I had already been determined to forgive and make up with Jimmy, his words gave me the extra boost I needed.

"Thank you, sir. I hope I'll see you again soon."

"Good day, Ms. Evans."

I walked out, only to find Hermione and McGonagall chatting amicably. Hermione looked up with the sound of the door closing behind me. "That was fast! Did you get what you needed?"

"Yes and no. I'll have to come back. You know how he can be," I said. She agreed to my statement and, after saying goodbye to our former professor and now friend, made our way home.

A/N: Wow, sorry it's been so long! I had awful writer's block (for everything!) for like 6 years and only recently did I start writing again. I've been wanting to continue this since it bugged me that it was unfinished, but I lost my notes and only recently did I start feeling inspired again. But I have some free time so I hope to get a bunch of writing done!