AN: This chapter contains minor spoilers for some dialogue of Mass Effect 3. It might be safe to assume that there will be more spoilers in the chapters to come.
We are also pleased to report (well Helena author is because she was the one causing the delay) that we will resume posting once a week until the completion of this tale. We are slowly but surely nearing its end (for now). For those of you who noticed the ah, slight problem with the names previous chapter, we do apologise once again. We posted a chapter aimed at a different audience here. So, we do apologise for the inconvenience caused.
Chapter 24
Katelyn had done what Samara told her and waited until she could feel she had her temper reasonably under control. In the meantime, the commander attended to the other tasks that were waiting for her. The Illusive Man had heaped both praise and more instructions or 'suggestions' on how they could proceed.
An immediate assessment needed to be made on which of the Cerberus crew were physically unable to continue their work on the ship and needed to be replaced. The doctors' reports looked promising in that regard.
There were also some discussions surrounding the repairs and some hints on the need to have the Normandy continue that process at a more secure facility. Katelyn ignored that outright and the Illusive Man hadn't pressed the issue.
The Alliance and the Council were also asking for their respective pounds of flesh. The commander was requested to consider following their joint spin on her return. She had been rather flat in her answer. She had no interest playing along. She would do what she needed to. They could do what they wanted.
Helena and Rinn remained in the forefront of her mind throughout. Gnawing at her. She needed answers, but Samara was also right. But what if I need to go against myself? What if what holds me back is what'll make me fail? It's what has made me fail every other time and I've still been foolish enough to hold on to it.
Katelyn noted the time and paused, staring at the clock. She was as calm as she could be, she decided. I can't delay this. She felt that prickle of anxiety and need. I have to get answers.
She stood and made her way down to the observation room. Despite her confrontation with Samara, she did not feel that her fight with Helena could have gone any other way. I need to have my answers and, if I have that bitch stew for long enough, I'll get them. Shepard gritted her teeth at the thought and, despite herself, felt her blood begin to boil again.
Samara stood as the door slid open, her eyes meeting Katelyn's. For a moment, the commander wondered whether the asari would kick her out again. There was another prickle of annoyance at that. At the justicar's gal, but she suppressed the feeling with a sigh. Samara was right. Katelyn couldn't step into this discussion led by fury – no matter how justified.
That didn't mean that it gave Katelyn extra strength to draw on. At least her anger gave her that. Now...
She turned her gaze from the justicar and walked in towards the figure who sat close to where she had been before – staring out at the ships beyond. An omnitool was clasped between her knees and it appeared that she had been scrolling through it with her undamaged hand. The remains of a meal were on a chair nearby and a part of Katelyn noted that at least the woman's appetite seemed unaffected by events. Rinn stiffened slightly as she looked up at the commander, green eyes quietly watchful, but made no move beyond that.
The ginger simply looked at her, studying her features for the umpteenth time, feeling the familiarity nag at her. I know you. I know I know you. And I know you know me. So why?
"Why can't you just tell me?" Katelyn said finally, her words soft and tired.
The green eyes flickered slightly and it was clear that Rinn was doing her level best to keep her features neutral. But she wasn't a poker player. The commander frowned, noting the sadness there and... What? Regret?
Somehow she knew that was it. Regret over not being able to answer. Or not being willing to.
"Why can't you just tell me, Rinn?" the commander asked again, this time her voice strained as a wave of frustration lapped at her again.
The dark-haired woman shifted uncomfortably, her eyes flitting down to her hands. "Because..." she said softly, then halted and Kate could see her mouth working before she swallowed. "There is nothing I can say that would do you any good."
"I will be the judge of that," Katelyn replied firmly. If Helena could, then you can too. Her reasons hardly involve helplessness. She simply doesn't want to be helpful. And neither, it seems, do you.
Rinn looked up, meeting her gaze unflinchingly.
"No," she said simply. "You won't."
Shepard snarled at her. "Do not underestimate me." She stepped forward menacingly and suddenly had to snap her gaze up as the other woman stood, the omnitool clattering on the metal deck. The movement was so fast, that it caught Katelyn off guard and she halted instantly, her muscles alert.
But Rinn made no further move. Instead of aggression, Katelyn only saw discomfort as her left arm covered her right almost protectively. They stood staring at each other until Rinn slowly shook her head again.
"I wish it were that simple," she said softly, her eyes holding within them that damnable knowing. "I wish we could save you from all of this." She sighed soundlessly. "But we can't, Kate."
"No," Kate felt her lip curl. "No, I don't accept that." She jabbed a finger at Rinn. "You said that Helena could help us. That she knows things that can help us."
"And she can," Rinn answered quickly, then paused. "Helena has a... unique ability to see the bigger picture. She is an asset to you, yes," the taller woman nodded, then squared her shoulders and dropped her hands to her sides. "But as a person. She can help, but not by you tapping her dry."
The words, while perhaps not false, did not quite ring true. This circumlocution is bullshit, Shepard thought darkly.
"You speak in riddles and lies," she replied coldly.
"I speak the truth," Rinn insisted.
"So speak!" Shepard snapped back and her hands clenching. "Tell me what you know. Tell me who you are. How do you know me? Why do I feel I know you? What are you hiding? Why are you hiding it? Tell me!" she snarled up at the woman. "By god, I'll have it out of you and Helena soon enough!"
"And then you will be no better than the reapers you're fighting!" Rinn's voice broke. "They also wanted her mind," she said, clearly trying to ignore her emotions. "They also wanted to use her. To break her. That's why I-" She cut herself off and turned her head, a trembling hand resting her knuckles against her mouth.
Katelyn watched her silently, her emotions caught between anger and heartache as she watched Rinn struggling. Don't break her any further, Samara had told her and Katelyn wondered how close she was to doing just that.
"She is worth more than that," she said finally, turning her eyes back to Katelyn. "And as are you. You are better than this. You are better than the reapers. You are better than Cerberus. They should be beneath you, Katelyn. Why aren't they to you?"
There was no heat in the accusation. Only despair. Disappointment. You have it so wrong, Katelyn drew a shaky breath as Rinn's eyes pierced into her again.
"Why are you playing right into their hands?"
"I'm not," the ginger shook her head in flat denial.
"Then why didn't you destroy the base? Why did you hand it over to Cerberus? Damnit, Katelyn," Rinn's voice became stronger, firmer, and Kate felt the slightest hint of surprise as she watched a woman she had never seen angry begin to flare at her. "You saw it! That place is an abomination. What justification do you have for handing it over to Cerberus? You know what they're capable of! You've seen what they've done a million times over! Why would you give it to them?"
"And how is it that you know what I've seen?" Katelyn shot back, shaking her head as she zoned in on the truth she was looking for. "How is it that you know what I know?"
"I've read and watched and absorbed everything I could," Rinn answered harshly and Shepard was ready to call bullshit, when the dark haired woman's temper began to snap loose. "Only an idiot would think that handing them that place would be a jolly good idea! What's your excuse?!"
An idiot, Katelyn blinked at her, then glared. "That technology could save thousands of lives! It could save y-"
"That technology cost thousands of lives, Katelyn!" Rinn interrupted her with a snarl. "Did you not see the tubes attached to that fucking Reaper?! What the fuck do you think that was? Hot sauce?"
"How do you know that?!" the commander pushed back. How do you know about the human reaper?
"Because I was there!" Rinn shouted. It was a harsh, guttural sound. "Because I saw that thing! Because I saw what was happening to the people in the pods! Because I saw what was going on and thought it magnificent!" Her own words seemed to stab at her and the commander saw tears beginning to trickle down the woman's cheeks. But Rinn ignored them. Instead she pushed on, her tone loud, harsh and unforgiving. "Because I was a fucking monster and thought what I was seeing was awesome. What the fuck is your excuse for keeping that thing, Katelyn?!"
The words hit her like a sledgehammer and it was all Katelyn could do not to stagger backward. And then Legion was there, barely an arm length away, standing in between her and Rinn. The geth head plating cocked up and threatening. "Shepard Commander. Threat perceived in subject. Advise caution."
She was awake now, with words drifting through her memory.
It is just important that we contain the situation.
Helena, with her heart beating a thunderous taboo in her chest, lay with her eyes closed, fully aware of the fact that she couldn't really move. She remembered vaguely the guards strapping her to the bed, the nurse telling her to settle down. She remembered her dreams of a future that was inevitable.
And she remembered half of a conversation, one from the past and the other from the future.
It is just important that we contain the situation, Miranda Lawson had said to an unknown entity, a shadow Helena could not remember or place. The person who had sat beside her, a blur because of her fleeting consciousness. She could not remember that person, that presence that she had felt even in her dreams, but she remembered Miranda's words. Because, in the future, she will speak them again.
Just once, Miranda had said in the beginning of Mass Effect 3, when she announced to Shepard that she had only had one run in with the Illusive Man since she had left Cerberus. He said that it had been a pleasure to work with me, but he needed to contain the situation.
Containing the situation.
I need to be contained.
Helena finally took a steadying breath and opened her eyes, squinting in the light, seeing another dark figure sitting beside her. Her eyes, lazy because she didn't have her glasses on, struggled to focus, but she didn't need to try too hard to imagine who it would be. It made sense. It was logical.
Miranda Lawson would sit with her until she knew what had happened. Or to get the information out of her that Shepard could not.
I've been a fool, Helena thought as the woman's features finally came to focus. She's still with Cerberus. Regardless of where her future will take her, she is loyal to Shepard. And, through that, still loyal to the Illusive Man. I have respect for who she becomes, for who she has the potential to be. But, I love a dream. It's time to face the reality.
Miranda's eyes turned to her and she looked painfully relieved, shifting immediately to take Helena's hand. The fabric of her glove felt warm and frighteningly alien.
"Helena," she whispered. "Hey." Her words were kind. Concerned. And possibly fake.
Can she fool me? She did.
The combination of her fear and the drugs made her emotional and she almost started crying. She could hear herself begging the nurses to let her go, to take her back to Rinn. She'll kill her.
Of course Katelyn won't kill Rinn, Helena thought coldly, pulling herself back together. But she'll use her. She'll use her against me. Rinn can't tell her anything. She might've if she could, but she can't. That's the balance.
"Helena?"
Anger burned inside her as she looked up again and met Miranda's gaze. Who are you here for? Me? Or Commander Shepard? Miranda recognized her anger immediately and seemed to sit back, her hand going limp in Helena's.
"What happened, Helena?" She queried, her voice stoic. "What happened to you?"
What's happening to you? Helena thought, her anger slowly turning to fury. What's happening to your commander right under your nose? It takes months for you to realise that something's wrong. Months.
Helena moved her hand away from Miranda's, clenching it in a fist the moment the handcuff stopped her movement.
"What do you want from me?" Helena asked coldly, her mind beginning to work in other directions. Why were you kind to me? Why did you save Rinn? You could've just killed her. There's no logical reason why you tried to keep her alive. The Cerberus soldiers came to mind, those who had been modified by technology.
Did you know that they were doing that?
Miranda blinked at her tone, her eyes narrowing slightly as she tried to place it. "The truth," she said eventually, her tone also carrying a chill.
Helena tried to sit up, but felt a little bit of pressure on her chest. Looking down, she could just make out the strap that they had put over her to keep her down. Immobile.
"About?"
The future, she predicted and Miranda didn't disappoint. Or, not quite
"Everything," the Cerberus officer said. "Everything, Helena. What happened?"
In the last of Helena's dreams, when the future filtered away to an imagined nightmare, Katelyn and Rinn had both faced her with their eyes glowing the same kind of sickly green, the technology in their bodies corrupted and focused on one single thing. To destroy the whole universe. That memory came to her now and that of a burning London, a city she had walked in herself.
I lost, Helena thought. I got myself out of the pod, only to be trapped in this. Here. That's what happened. Now, the future will damn me and my friend.
And do I care?
Helena thought of Thane lying beside a crate, dying. She thought of Shepard's focus on getting the artefact instead of listening to Garrus. And she thought about the commander's excuses. Yes, it was the indoctrination speaking, but somewhere in her mind, Katelyn had to have allowed it to happen. Through despair, desperation. Helena didn't care. Katelyn Shepard had faltered and became a tool for the Illusive Man. And those around her reacted too late.
And do I care? Helena asked the question to herself again as she looked at Miranda. Do I care about what happens to this world?
No.
The answer was wrapped in cold anger. In frustration and fear.
"You want the truth?" Helena whispered, meeting Miranda's gaze again. Daring her to comment, daring her to challenge her. "The truth is I don't care. I don't care what happens. I don't care if this world burns. I will tell you the truth. I will give Shepard her truth; tell her her future and fortune. If it means saving Rinn, I will see this world burn." She could not help herself from chuckling, though when she blinked there was moisture in her eyes. "If she can't be saved, I will rejoice in its destruction. In my own." She meant every word, her anger and fear creating a space to her own soul, to the darkest void she carried inside herself. "Because I'd have had a hand in it." I had chosen to sacrifice her, didn't I? To live. To escape. But there's no reprieve. Never.
Miranda looked shocked; her eyes wide as she studied Helena's features. Slowly, she retracted her hand out of reach. Helena could see her struggle, could see her trying to find a way to understand what she had just heard.
"Helena," she said firmly, in a tone that showed the truth of how much patience she had with madness. "Rinn is safe. I don't know what gave you the idea that she is not. Is this what this is all about? Katelyn will never see her come to harm. She must've told you that."
Helena sniffed. "I don't think you know what she told me," she said coldly. "But. You can go and ask her, Officer Lawson, when you go and tell her that she can come back. I'll tell her and Cerberus the truth."
Miranda looked at her, first in confusion, then a moment's despair which was finally converted to cold indifference. Without saying another word, she pushed her chair back and left the room. Helena followed her exit, then closed her eyes and took a deep breath, deciding how she was going to tell the story that would end the world and destroy all hope. Because she knew with a cold clarity that could perhaps have been a foretelling of sorts that, if the truth of the future came out, it would truly doom them all. Doom the world and all the hope it carried of survival.
And she didn't care if she could buy her friend's safety with it.
Katelyn had forgotten it was even in the room. The geth and... Samara. What does she think of this? Of me? She shook herself out of that train of thought, instead wielding the anger she felt at the whole situation like a club.
"Stand down, Legion!" she barked the command and felt temper explode when the AI dared to argue.
"Shepard Comman-"
"The next objection and I'm flushing you out of the airlock!" she snarled at it. "Stand down."
She glared daggers into the geth as he- it turned to face her. Its scrutiny lasted only two seconds before it stepped back quietly and resumed its post in the corner of the room. She watched it go, taking the moment to gather herself, but did not allow her eyes to meet Samara's. Instead she looked back at Rinn.
The woman had stepped away, turning her back on the group. Katelyn watched her body, noting how she too seemed to be trying to reign her temper back in. Don't break her, Katelyn.
But who is breaking whom?
Rinn turned back, her eyes wet, but still she did not seem willing to acknowledge her own tears. What were they for? Anger? Disappointment? She's certainly both. For some reason, that stung Katelyn more than anything. I'm trying to save you, Rinn. I'm trying to save you and others who will be like you. Don't you see that?
And why does it matter that she does? Katelyn frowned. I was willing to rip into her and force her into submission. Confident that I could do that. I don't care for Helena. I don't care for the Council. Why do I care for her? Why does what she thinks matter?
But it did. For some reason it did. And while the commander didn't understand what witchcraft it was, the truth was she needed Rinn to understand.
What are you here for? Wasn't the whole point of this thing to get Rinn to talk? How did she turn the tables?
"We need every advantage, Rinn," Katelyn said finally and was surprised to hear the scratchiness in her own voice. She cleared her throat and shook her head. "I need to be able to push them back. We need to learn how to fight them. You might not believe me when I tell you that I did it to save lives, but that's what I did. I can't keep making easy choices. Not when it comes to the fate of the galaxy."
"You will lose who you are, Kate," Rinn replied pleadingly. "We need you and we'll lose you. It is who you are as much as what you can do that may turn the tide."
But how do you know who I am?
"According to Helena, I'm too weak," Katelyn replied bitterly.
Rinn shook her head and sighed. "That just shows you she doesn't know everything."
But she knows something. Katelyn looked at Rinn. And I can get it out of her if I use you. Then the dark-haired woman's words washed over her again.
"What's your excuse?"
Katelyn closed her eyes and sighed, turning away and running her hand through her hair. She allowed her eyes to meet Samara's. Do you think the same? Do you think I failed again by helping Cerberus? She remembered the asari's lips against hers and then she remembered the firm shake of Samara's head when she insisted on leading Katelyn out into the corridor.
"You are upset, angry and not yourself."
She remembered Helena's fear. The satisfaction she had gotten from it. The anger that had pulsed through her.
What was I thinking?
Rinn sniffed behind her and Katelyn turned back, letting herself really look at the woman. The eyes that met Katelyn's glinted with tears, but, despite the awkwardness in her trembling body, Rinn did not drop her gaze. As she watched, the commander felt her anger turn into a heavy lump in her stomach. I was ready to cut into you like I did with Helena. I was ready to strike as much fear into you as with her.
I still can, but...
Katelyn rubbed her face, closing her eyes. What is happening to me? Why is every step a wrong one? She sat on one of the nearby benches and looked out at the ships outside. It's all hopeless, isn't it?
"Do we defeat the Reapers?" Katelyn asked softly.
At Rinn's silence, the ginger turned and looked at her. Please, tell me at least that. The dark-haired woman rubbed at her eyes, then turned her gaze to the commander.
"That'll be up to you," she answered. "I'm sorry, Katelyn."
The ginger sighed and looked down at her hands. Of course. Of course, it would be up to me. "What an amazing sense of humour this galaxy has," she murmured to herself.
A hand slid onto her left shoulder and she looked up in surprise to see Rinn kneel down beside her. The light green eyes were moist, but Katelyn could read in them concern. I don't deserve that.
"Katelyn."
She crossed her own line, Katelyn realised as she felt the squeeze of Rinn's hand. Helena said I'd have to push through, but... The ginger dropped her head, giving it a small shake.
"Rinn... I'm sorry. I don't know what's come over me... I'm..."
Katelyn's vision blurred and felt Rinn's injured hand slide to the nape of her neck, uninjured fingers weaving through her hair and then gently pulling her forward. She leaned her forehead on Rinn's shoulder and the woman rested her head against Katelyn's, shushing her before more could be said.
"It's alright," Rinn murmured to her, Kate feeling the words more than hearing it. And then, even softer, barely audible, "We'll get you through this."
It was the words of the psychiatrist that stayed with her as she exited the room, his features barely able to hide his anger and frustration that he had over losing a patient.
Containment will be difficult if her visitors upset her as much as today's ones did.
Miranda had known that Katelyn had gone to Helena, but had imagined that it must've been whoever joined Helena later that had upset her. The operative had made herself believe somehow that someone other than the commander had upset Helena or that it was truly a nightmare. She could not imagine that Katelyn, of all people, could leave Helena in such a state.
Why didn't she wait for me? She fumed. Why didn't she wait until we had had the time to discuss this?
Everything about it felt wrong and Miranda felt her own fury rise inside her. She had never been the focus of Helena's poisonous temper and being on the receiving end... hurt more than it should've she suspected. And, it was frustrating, she thought that she had made true progress with the woman. That they had reached some sort of accord. That Helena trusted her at least.
Now, one mistake from Katelyn could've undone it all.
I have to find out what the hell happened, Miranda thought as she grabbed a nurse and instructed her to sit with Helena. I have to get our people to sit with her... The angry ginger's words came to her again.
"I'll tell her and Cerberus the truth."
"What are you playing at, Miranda Lawson? "
Miranda had to take a moment to get her breath back by the time she finally reached the elevator, feeling confused, tired and angry. I should be glad that she's willing to divulge the truth. I should be glad. This is what we wanted.
But it didn't feel right. Helena's anger, her contempt had seared into Miranda. "The truth is I don't care. I don't care what happens. I don't care if this world burns. I will tell you the truth." Leaning against the elevator's wall, Miranda tried to regain her focus, to bottle up her own frustration. What price does the truth carry? Who are they really?
Miranda was beginning to think that she didn't want to know, that she should've just let them die on the collectors' base. She took her frustration back to the Normandy, where the ship hung in the dry dock like a broken skeleton. Cerberus was sending their own people to take care of the ship, to repair it and see to all the damage. There was a very big chance that they might not be airborne again for days.
Time to get this sorted, Miranda thought as she went down to the crew deck, instinctively knowing that Shepard was with Rinn. And doing what? Threatening her? Will she leave her in the same state as she did Helena? Or, will she bring back the husk and force us to kill her?
And shouldn't we do just that? Miranda argued with herself. Shouldn't we just kill her or give her to our other agents at Cerberus for study? We need to understand what happened to her, how to combat it. Katelyn would never allow it, but...
Helena had thought that Katelyn was going to harm Rinn.
Miranda walked faster to the starboard observation room the moment she saw that Samara was standing outside. The justicar looked up when she came closer, her eyes calm. Miranda had never seen her with any other kind of expression, even when in combat. The asari was... surreal.
And not at her post.
"Why aren't you in there with Rinn?" Miranda snapped immediately. "You are supposed to watch her."
The justicar raised her brow, studying her approach. "She is having a private word with Commander Shepard," the asari said simply. "I felt it wise to leave them."
Miranda blinked at her and not for the first time since the two's arrival, felt as if the world had gone mad. "Wise?" she said. "Rinn is on a downward spiral to becoming a reaper-controlled husk, with an actual mind to wreak havoc with, and you just left them?!"
Samara didn't blink at her onslaught.
"Yes," she said simply. "Do you not trust my judgement, Officer Lawson?"
That took some of the wind out of her sails because for a moment, Miranda could only stare at her. Then, biting her tongue, she straightened up and asked levelly.
"Can I go inside?"
She could tell immediately by the look in Samara's eyes that she wasn't going to get the opportunity. The justicar simply shook her head, boldly meeting Miranda's gaze. The worst bit was, Miranda didn't get the impression that she was challenging her. It was simply... the law. Samara had made up her mind regarding the matter and her decision was now as cemented in her as her code was.
What happens the day someone like this turns their full attention against us? Miranda thought. What happens when she decides that one of us should die?
She shivered and took a step back, her temper simmering away. The silence around them was awkward now, or it was for her at least. She turned to leave then stopped herself, turning back to the asari.
"Samara, what do you think of all of this?" she said honestly. "About... them."
The justicar looked surprised at the question and for the first time, turned back and glanced to the room.
"I believe that they are dangerous," she said finally. "But not to us. And I believe that they are in danger." Her gaze turned back to Miranda. "From us. I do not believe that it is possible for anybody to have foreknowledge of the future. But, if the goddess has so cursed these two, then it is best for us if we steer clear of their information. No one can predict the outcome of another's life. It is unnatural."
Miranda felt her stomach turn to ice, remembering Helena's words. I will see this whole world burn...
"Do you think we should kill them?" She asked, her mouth dry suddenly and her stomach clenched with a fear she could not describe. "Do you think that's best?"
Samara's blink was very slow as if she evaluated the answer. "It is not within the Code," she said finally and carefully settled down to the floor with her back against the wall. "It is not a matter on which I can judge. There are others more deserving of death than those who have suffered through it. And survived."
Miranda could not find it within herself to agree or argue. Upset, still touched by Helena's rage, she shook her head and realised that she needed to distance herself. That she needed to stop thinking about it. About them.
I should stop caring.
"When she comes out," Miranda said softly. "And when she has rested, tell Katelyn that she should come and find me in Mordin's lab. Please, Samara."
The justicar nodded slowly, still meeting her gaze. "Is it about Helena?"
Miranda blinked and gave her a curious look. How much do you know?
"It is," she said simply and hesitated. "I feel as if we survived what we thought to be the greatest challenge of all only to be faced with more at their hands." She stopped herself before she could speak any further, surprised by how frank she was.
What's more, she saw Samara incline her head slightly, agreeing with her.
Should I tell the Illusive Man? Miranda thought suddenly. Bring him up to speed and have him decide what to do with them? Then it would be out of my hands, out of Katelyn's...
Samara's gaze weighed down on her. Although it was not there, Miranda could imagine the judgement in them.
No, she thought, reaffirming what she had felt all along. We'll deal with this ourselves. Figure it out ourselves. We don't need for him to get involved. Not yet.
The splash of water on Katelyn's face was refreshing. She sniffed as she wiped the excess off her face and looked up at the mirror before her. Her eyes were still red, but there's nothing for that. At least the reflection that looked back at her felt more familiar. The ginger felt calmer, more centred. She had left the observation room with less questions answered, her core scraped raw and her pride more than a little ripped, but she did leave feeling oddly... better.
So the method of feeling better is to have my ass handed to me, Katelyn's mouth quirked at the thought. But then, it was more than that. Rinn's need for contact was something the commander knew all too well. It was a way of communicating she too understood and a method rarely used. As in the other woman's life as well apparently.
It still surprised Katelyn how well Rinn had managed to soothe her without actually saying anything more. By simply being there. Like Samara had been right before we hit the relay. Samara at least had known the commander a couple of months. They had learnt to understand one another. But Rinn just knew. Again, it nagged at Katelyn. That knowing. Regardless of whether they had worked for the common interest or not, it scratched at Katelyn that she had no explanation for it. There was no reason, none at all, that the dark-haired woman should have any effect on Katelyn. Any authority. And yet somehow she just... did.
And with that she managed to neutralise me so effectively, the ginger frowned and then shook her head. For now, if only in the next couple of hours, she was going to force all of that from her mind and try and focus again. There had been enough frustrations and uncertainties and anger for one day. And the day is not nearly close to done. She again considered the possibility of taking stims and again dismissed it.
She pushed back from the sink and left the restroom. The corridor was still empty as she exited, turning for the elevator. It seemed strange to have the ship so quiet. But that silence is only on this deck, Kate reminded herself. Everywhere else is crawling with Cerberus engineers trying to put Normandy back together again.
"Somehow I have the feeling Kenneth is going to be unhappy about others tampering with the ship," she murmured softly and allowed herself a smile. Mercifully, he and Gabby were uninjured, but they hadn't walked away from the base unscathed. It's going to be a long route for them to come close to recovery. But then, none of us can say we're still the same. Katelyn's humour subsided as her memories flashed back to the base. To the hive-like corridors and the thousands upon thousands of pods...
"Shepard," a voice pulled Katelyn back with a start and she whirled to face it.
The asari looked down at her, face calm, but eyes searching. The ginger managed a small smile and breathed slowly, trying to hide her surprise. If the justicar had noticed, she gave no reaction to it.
"Do you feel better?" Samara asked instead.
"Some," Katelyn nodded. I don't even know when you left the room. How much did you see? The ginger wished she knew the asari's thoughts about it all. Wished she knew what observations were made regarding Rinn; regarding herself. "It was... rather unexpected." The commander motioned to the observation room door, hoping that Samara might take the opportunity to comment.
But Samara was either oblivious to the unspoken request or chose to ignore it. Instead, she nodded at Katelyn and allowed a smile to cross her lips. "I will return to her. Officer Lawson asked for you. She is in the laboratory. I do not believe it is urgent. She said that you should get some rest first."
She must've made some progress on Mordin's idea. A part of Katelyn wanted to head there immediately, but it would be wiser to get some rest too. At least an hour... The thought was enticing.
"I might need to do that," she replied, looking up at Samara's calm face. What are you thinking? The asari merely nodded her own agreement and turned for the observation room.
You're not going to know unless you ask.
"Samara." Katelyn waited for her to turn back, for blue eyes to meet green. "Do you agree with Rinn?"
Samara paused, studying Katelyn again. "About the base?" she asked calmly, but it seemed as if she was hedging. Surely you know what I mean.
The commander shook her head. "About everything she said in there."
It was the silence that struck her, the hesitation. And when Samara's features grew sad, the ginger felt her heart clench.
"Yes," the justicar said softly.
Katelyn stood quietly as she felt something break in her again. She studied the sudden openness in Samara's features, the regret at being honest. Or was it regret in having to disapprove? She took in the blue eyes that so often captured her the moment she met them and the mouth she had dared to kiss. Katelyn remembered how her heart leapt when Samara returned the kiss.
But she does not approve. It was an important decision, a needed one, and she doesn't agree. She will stand with me. I don't doubt that. But... she'll do it because she has to. For the common good. Just like Rinn.
Does it matter that she doesn't, Katelyn? Does it matter that much?
Commander Katelyn Shepard gave the justicar a single, silent nod, then stepped into the lift.
Miranda lost track of time working because Mordin's machine gave her something to focus on. He was, undeniably, a genius and his ideas on how to combat Rinn's 'indoctrination' showed an insight that they had all lacked. She liked to think that it was because he was able to cut out all of the background noise in his life. She had been like that as well during her time working on Project Lazarus. Nothing else had mattered but reconstructing Shepard. Not her sister, not her father. She had a singular task and that was to achieve the impossible.
Since actually meeting Katelyn, however, Miranda found that her life had become... cluttered with emotions. Concern for her sister, interacting with her, caring for her. When she wasn't thinking about the mission, her mind would be on Oriana and what she was doing. Since Rinn and Helena's arrival, her mind was on them. Healing them, curing Rinn... The problem was that working with them wasn't just a task, a focus. It was... personal.
Katelyn had made it personal.
And, am I following suit? Miranda thought as she tried to calibrate the signal according to the data that Mordin had given her. Have I lost perspective through trying to take personal responsibility for Helena and her wellbeing? She remembered her promise to Rinn and still tried to imagine what had possessed her to do so.
She knew nothing of the ginger and even less of her friend. They weren't a part of the crew nor should they have been a priority for the future.
Yet here I am, Miranda thought as she studied the machine in front of her, making sure that the parameters were set according to Mordin's specifications.
When the door opened, she almost expected it to be Jacob. It was just so... natural to assume that he would come in and offer her a break. Their relationship ended years ago yet he still sometimes took the time to bring her something to eat and drink, even on the Lazarus base.
It wasn't Jacob. It would never be Jacob again.
Miranda glanced at the time when Katelyn came in and decided that the woman must've decided to take at least a few hours of rest. She definitely looked better than she had that morning. Miranda wondered how Helena was holding up, but decided that the hospital would've let her know if there were any new developments. We have to decide what to do with them when all of this is done, they can't stay here.
Katelyn didn't speak immediately, but took a moment to study the machine, clearly knowing what it was for.
"Have you and Mordin made some progress?" she asked finally, quietly.
Miranda turned to the machine and her notes, wondering how to reply. Katelyn made it sound like a simple query, but she knew how important this was to the commander.
"He's given me instructions," she said dryly. "But I..." It was hard to admit her short comings. "It would've been better if he was here. I'm taking it to him tonight so that he can have a look. In theory, it should work by then, but whether it will is a complete different matter." Tonight? She thought. It's close to supper time. I haven't eaten all day.
Katelyn was looking at her in surprise, her brow raised with hope. "Tonight?" she queried. "That soon?"
Miranda nodded in reply and straightened up, studying Katelyn's features. "It has to," she said simply. "We'll start losing her soon enough. I have to see her when I'm done here, evaluate her progression. Mordin's theory was that the nanocytes would require time to reset themselves, to influence her brainwaves. But it's all in theory."
The alarm on Katelyn's face was so much more acute than it had been before. What happened between them? What did Samara shield me from?
"How long do you think we have?" Katelyn asked gravely and Miranda knew that there was no use in sparing her.
"I believe less than twenty-four hours," she said simply. "Her brain activity could already be stabilising." She paused, studying the woman. "How was she, when you were with her?"
The commander's features nearly turned to a grimace, her mind drifting to darker thoughts. "Probably calmer than could be expected," she said finally. "Centred. Focussed. More... Sure of herself."
Miranda didn't like the sound of it and glared at the machine. "Definitively less than twenty-four hours then," she pointed out and paused, turning to back Katelyn. "What did you two discuss?"
The commander's features went patiently blank as she shrugged, but Miranda knew her well enough to see how awkward the subject was for her. "Just..." Katelyn paused and rubbed her arm. "Coping with the aftermath." She looked away from Miranda and shrugged. "Nothing worth repeating."
Just to me?
Miranda could not withhold the chill in her voice, remembering Helena's fear and anger. "And what did you discuss with Helena?"
Katelyn's eyes snapped to her and for a moment they just looked at each other. There was definitively guilt there, Miranda decided. And regret.
But for what? That I know? That I found out? Or, about what she did?
"I stayed with her until she woke up, Kate," Miranda pushed the commander. "I tried to find out what happened, what set her off."
The light of caution in Katelyn's eyes was unmistakable as she paused to consider Miranda, trying to anticipate where the Cerberus agent was going with this conversation.
"What did she tell you?" the commander queried eventually and Miranda knew that there was something that was worth saying.
She frowned at Katelyn and crossed her arms, stepping back from the table and the machine she had no guarantee of bringing to life.
"She said that I should ask you," she said and the accusation in her voice was unmistakable. It made Katelyn flinch and look away from her for a second. When she gathered herself she sighed and nodded to herself seemingly coming to a decision.
"I demanded that she tell me," Katelyn said and sounded... lost. "Everything." Miranda's own words came back to her. Everything, everything Helena. What happened? Katelyn was still looking at her, expecting her to reply, expecting her to connect the dots.
And Miranda could, because she knew the kind of person that Helena was. She knew how closely Helena guarded her secret, her knowledge. They didn't know anything until the collectors' attack. They didn't even suspect that Helena might've had any knowledge about them. Rinn yes, her link with Kate was undeniable. But Helena had sat in the infirmary and kept her secrets.
"And she didn't," Miranda finished the sentence for Katelyn. It wasn't a question but a statement. Helena, unrelenting, who refused to bow even to the reapers demands when they promised to spare her life. Where does that will to live from come from? Habit? She studied Kate, saw her regret. Saw her doubt. It was as frightening as the idea of facing the reapers. They had brought her back because she was supposed to be humanity's hope, she was supposed to be the saviour of the galaxy yet she stood here... Broken.
"I threatened her," Kate continued. "I lost my temper and threatened her. I threatened to send Rinn to Cerberus." Her gaze moved past Miranda, like a confession of guilt. I used your organisation, your name to put the fear of God into her. "I was very convincing."
Miranda had to hold her breath because breathing distracted her, because breathing threatened to dislodge her very sanity. Katelyn? Threaten someone? Like that? Surely more had to have transpired.
"Why?" Miranda found herself asking. "Why... why now? Why... In that moment Kate? Helena can... be a bitch, but she's also sick." And I'm making excuses for her? On whose side am I on?
Katelyn's gaze was empty as she looked at her and shrugged. It wasn't exactly self-loathing in her eyes, but Miranda could see that she doubted her own actions.
"Because in that moment, she had information that I wanted," she pointed out. "Because in that moment, when I desperately needed it, she refused me salvation. She refused me. And I wanted to know. At all costs."
At all costs.
Under the circumstances, they were words that Miranda would've expected to hear from her own mouth. She had killed Winston because she had to protect Shepard at all costs. She almost killed Niket because she had to protect her sister at all costs. She destroyed the laws of nature and brought a woman back from the dead, undoubtedly at the cost of her own soul, because the universe had to be protected at all costs.
But, to hear them spoken from Shepard's mouth was… Alien. In context, it felt wrong.
So, I am becoming more as you were and you are becoming like myself? What happened to us?
Katelyn saw the question in her eyes and frowned at her, quietly waiting for her to gather the courage to speak it. Miranda looked at her and thought about everything. That everything they wanted to know about Helena. That everything that Rinn promised them that Helena knew what she did as well.
When did these two become everything?
"What happened to you Kate?" Miranda asked finally, barely able to articulate the words. "Since they came? What's happened to us?"
She was surprised when Kate understood, her gaze becoming desolate. "I don't know," the commander whispered and ran her hands through her hair. "I honestly don't know, Miranda." She looked away, but her face got darker. "As I told Samara, I… she just made me so angry. It wasn't justified. Or…" she frowned and sighed. "Perhaps it was. But it wasn't right the way I did it. We need to know everything, but…" Kate trailed off and shrugged.
Miranda stared at her, again taking note of that the presence of that word. She sighed and shook her head, pinching the bridge of her nose, wondering why she suddenly felt so defeated. What did we truly gain from the base? Through keeping it and destroying the collectors? Did we stop it all?
"What are you thinking about?" Katelyn's voice broke through her thoughts, her words soft and as always so inviting to be honest. How did you manage to threaten Helena?
Miranda smiled when an answer came to mind, but it was a bitter smile as she met Katelyn's gaze. "Everything," she said and sighed. "I've been thinking about everything." She looked away from the commander to the door that lead to the armoury. "I've been thinking about them, us. And I'm beginning to think that they were right, that they… weren't supposed to be here. And we're not supposed to know what they know." She sighed and pinched the bridge of her nose, wondering what the Illusive Man would think if he heard her speak now. We have to pursue every avenue, he had said to her. Do what you must, but we have to bring Shepard back the way she was!
"I don't know," she interrupted her own thoughts before Katelyn could speak. "Maybe we should just give them to the Illusive Man. Have his people deal with them. Find out what they know." She looked at the machine. "Let us be done with them."
She expected Katelyn to rebuke her statement immediately, but instead the commander considered her carefully, studying her profile, meeting her gaze when Miranda dared to look up to them.
"What do you think he'll do to them?" she asked, her voice neutral.
Miranda took a steadying breath and allowed herself to think about it. She imagined what she would've done if the Illusive Man had presented them to her as he had Shepard's corpse. To the lengths she would've gone to find out not only what the effects of Rinn's indoctrination were but also how many secrets Helena truly kept. That thought, those images, made her feel dirty and she shuddered.
"Everything," she whispered. "And nothing that would preserve them. Helena perhaps, there's no telling what is in her mind, but Rinn?" The ginger came to mind, sleeping on the bunk in the engineering deck. Her dry lips brushing Miranda's cheek, bringing with it a promise of… what? Friendship? Love? They knew nothing of each other. "No, forget I said that. We can deal with this ourselves."
She got the distinct impression that Katelyn was proud of her. "I agree," the commander said with a smile, "but, I have to wonder, where does that leave you with the Illusive Man? With Cerberus?"
The question caught Miranda off guard and she could not stop her jerk as her head snapped up to stare at Katelyn. "What do you mean?" she asked immediately. What are you implying?
Katelyn's gaze wasn't sharp, but her focus was absolute as she shrugged. "In many ways the Illusive Man and his interests are Cerberus," she pointed out.
Miranda frowned and shrugged the comment off, but found that she was unable to answer immediately. "This has got nothing to do with Cerberus," she said finally. "Or the Illusive Man. We took them on, Katelyn. They are our responsibility." And since when have I started separating myself from Cerberus?
She couldn't quite place the look in Katelyn's eyes as she shifted her position, crossing her arms in mirror image to Miranda's as she did so. "You know he knows about them?" The commander queried. "That he knows about Rinn?"
Miranda could not hide her surprise, her mind immediately flaring in a different directions. I didn't tell him, does she think that I would without her knowledge?
"No," Miranda said quickly, her gaze meeting Katelyn's. "No, what does he know?"
Katelyn frowned, studying her for a moment as if she was trying to determine whether she was lying. Then she frowned and turned away from her, her mind seeming to go to a darker memory. "He knew of her… condition," Katelyn said quietly. "Used that as part of his argument to keep the base, that we can continue our research to prevent that from happening again." She turned her focus back to Miranda. "You didn't tell him?"
Miranda struggled to imagine who would bother. EDI had subsystems programmed into her. Kelly maybe? Possibly. I'm going to have to have a talk with her. She realised abruptly that she had to answer Katelyn's question lest her silence incriminate her. "No," she said and meant it. "I present you with my reports, Katelyn. You've been in all our meetings since they've arrived."
The commander's eyes were surprisingly kind. "Reports on my state of health – having been resuscitated – aren't exactly things that would land on my desk first," she pointed out. "I know that there are stuff that are for Cerberus' interest alone. I've always known about it, Miranda. I've… come to accept that the Illusive Man would no doubt want continuous updates on the state of his investment."
Miranda looked at her and tried to imagine how she was going to continue to approach this conversation. It was… very close to a line she had not yet crossed in her mind. That line that made her lean towards being more loyal to Katelyn than to the Illusive Man himself. You know it's coming.
"We worked at completing our main mission," Miranda said simply. "Anything else was irrelevant." She paused and shifted. "I didn't tell him, Kate."
The commander's gaze was weighing as she considered her, nodding finally in what felt like completely new evaluation on her person. "It will be interesting to find out how he does know," Kate said finally.
Miranda nodded, but decided that for the time being, it didn't really matter. They had more urgent business to attend to, like getting Rinn's machine to work and Helena…
She frowned, thinking about the ginger. "What are we going to do about Helena?" she queried. "She's willing to… speak to you, Kate." And do I really want to know what's going to be said in that meeting?
Katelyn didn't look as if she liked hearing it and was quiet for a long time. "I'm going to go talk to her," she said. "Again. I'm going to have to go and talk to her."
Miranda thought of the anger Helena had shown, an emotion, she had decided, was the only one the younger woman had to hide her true fear. To hide… everything.
"What are you going to ask her?" she queried, not sure if her need for information came from concern for Helena, Katelyn or down right curiosity.
The commander didn't seem to know how to answer her question. "I don't know yet," she confessed. "All I know is that I have to decide what is more important: losing the information or losing myself." She frowned, thinking about something. "People seem to think that I should be saving the latter." People? Miranda thought. Or Samara? "I don't know, Miranda," Kate continued. "One way or the other, it's going to cost me something."
Miranda looked at her then glanced at the time, thinking that it was nearly late evening in the Presidium. What a long day. "Should I come with you?" She queried, thinking that there was no way to predict in what mood Helena would be when Kate finally returned to her. "I don't think Helena was quite herself. When I left her." But she was bitterly honest.
She was mildly surprised when Kate snorted and shook her head. "Neither am I when I am around her," she said bitterly then turned to study Miranda, her gaze searching. "What would you do Miranda? Which one would you choose?"
The question caught her off guard and Miranda could not answer Katelyn immediately. It was like asking her what she would've done if handed these two. Looking in the mirror's a bitch. "I am not a person like you, Kate," Miranda said eventually, realising that she had to answer and she had to be truthful. "My choices would be different." She grimaced and looked away, unable to deal with whatever she might find in Katelyn's eyes. There is a reason threatening Helena with Cerberus worked so well… "I have less to lose in choosing the former."
What have I lost already in working for Cerberus? In the deeds I did to try and resurrect you?
She could not stand the pity she saw in Katelyn's eyes and shifted, crossing her arms over her chest. "I can't tell you, Kate," she said honestly. "I don't know what is right anymore." She sighed. "But, I will support you in whatever choice you exercise." Regardless of what it does to Helena. Because I might not know who or what she is, but I know what you mean to me.
Katelyn looked both sad and relieved, as if she regretted not being given a clear choice, but grateful that she would not have to do it on her own. Checking her omnitool, noting the time for herself, Katelyn Shepard sighed and looked to Miranda.
"Then let's be about it," she said softly. "This day has been too long for the both of us."
Helena had expected Katelyn to arrive shortly after Miranda left, but instead, the day dragged by. Although she hadn't planned to, she drifted in and out of sleep, the medication that she was still on addling her thoughts along with the sedative that they had administered. She woke up sometimes thinking that the commander was in the room with her, but mostly it was a stoic-faced nurse who did not speak to her, but sat on the chair simply making sure she didn't hurt herself. They removed the restraints when they brought her supper and lengthened the cuff on her wrist to allow her the luxury of eating by herself. Helena didn't touch her food, but stared at it, rehearsing her story in her mind.
We come from another reality. You are not real and you are being taken over by the reapers.
It never went down well in her head and she became more restless with every passing minute. More frightened. She couldn't imagine that Shepard would keep her end of the bargain, would wait for her information before she turned to Rinn. The truth was Helena was still not even sure what exactly had happened. What Shepard had threatened her with.
Perhaps me telling her is irrelevant, she thought as she pushed away her food and stared out of the window, much to the silent ire of the asari nurse who silently pushed the plate in her direction again.
"If you are in trouble with Cerberus," the alien whispered, much to her surprise. "Then you must speak, for there are sanctuaries available such people. Non-human normally, those who have been targeted in the past. But I know of someone…" She trailed off when Helena looked at her, lost. She didn't speak to her, but thought about Rinn.
Even if I get out, she will still be with them.
Helena couldn't imagine leaving her friend, couldn't imagine just abandoning her after everything. Then I could just have well have let her kill herself on the base. So, she remained silent, much to the ire of the asari who finally got up, taking her food with her and a promise that she would return shortly. She had returned the cuff to its normal length although she didn't redo the straps around Helena's chest and legs, allowing her the luxury of sitting upright for a moment longer.
When this is all over, and I have that privilege, I am never seeing a doctor again. When the door opened she expected it to the be the returning nurse, but instead, unannounced and unexpected despite the fact that she had been preparing for it all afternoon, Katelyn Shepard walked through the door.
Helena felt a moment's panic rise in her chest, but she took a steadying breath and tried to push it away. I don't care, she thought and tried to draw upon the desolation that she had felt at the conclusion of the final game. That bitter, bitter disappointment that she had felt. The anger and frustration over the universe not working out as she had thought that it would.
I will tell her all of that, make her realise how futile her existence is...
Miranda Lawson walked through the door as well and cut off all thoughts. Helena looked at her in shock, having not expected her to come again. You should've been here the first time, you should've protected me...
But would you?
The distance in Miranda's eyes was too cold, too focused. She was here as Katelyn's second, not for Helena's convenience. That realisation hit Helena like a ton a bricks and the stinging bite of betrayal bit into her soul like the like the wound on her shoulder. She'll never stand up for me. She's Shepard's.
It was meant to be that way, but...
The urge to scream as Katelyn came closer came and went, the urge to leap and flee. To call the nurse and take her offer. There is no one here to help me. No one who would. Rinn might not even be herself anymore.
She bit her lip, realising that her emotions must've been written all over her features. Save me from this day. Save me from this woman and myself. She could not drag her eyes away from Miranda. Save me from what I know I can feel for you if I let myself.
Katelyn was almost at the bed now, choosing to be on the side of the window. Her features were cool, calculated. Pensive, as if she was considering every route of questioning thoroughly. The feeling of being trapped grew inside Helena and she shifted, pulling against the cuff. The movement drew Katelyn's attention to it. After a moment's consideration she glanced at Miranda, then touched the chair that the nurse had vacated.
"I heard there was an incident earlier today," she said quietly. "I trust the guards didn't hurt you?"
Their hands pushing her down. Panic. Rinn.
Helena realised that she had turned to Miranda again, her mouth dry. I wanted to tell her. Not you. She tried to find the words to answer Katelyn, but failed. She dragged her attention away from Miranda, trying to summon her anger or anything that could help her fight the sense of absolute despair that was slowly crawling over her. To Kate, she simply shook her head then looked to her lap, deciding to focus her attention on her restrained hand.
There was a pause in the room until Miranda shifted and turned back to the door. "Excuse me, Commander," she said. "I'll be right back." She left and Helena couldn't tell whether she felt relieved or dismayed. Katelyn meanwhile had pulled the chair a little bit away from the bed and sat down, leaning forward as she clasped her hands together. She looked older than she had that morning. Tired.
And, strangely enough, very unlike the Shepard Helena had witnessed in her dream and encountered in this room hours before.
"Things didn't end up as well as they could've this morning," Katelyn finally broke the silence as Helena turned back to her, meeting her gaze. "I know you don't like what I do. We're not friends, but we're on the same team." Helena bit her lip to try and stem her rising emotions, but could not look at Katelyn anymore. "Or at least, I hope so," The commander added. "I don't believe you would have fought so hard for Rinn otherwise."
I fought for her because I care about her.
Her friend's name gave her the strength to speak, her fear for her rising. What have you done to her? "Where is she?" Helena whispered.
The commander's features didn't change as she considered her. "On the Normandy," she said calmly. "With Samara and Legion." Still?
Helena licked her dry lips and tried to clear her throat. "Did you speak to her?" She tried to imagine how that conversation would've gone and failed. There was no telling in what frame of mind Rinn was at the moment.
Katelyn nodded slowly, making Helena's stomach turn to ice. If you hurt her...
"I did," the commander said and glanced up at Miranda who returned to the room. The XO met Helena's gaze, but showed absolutely no emotion at all. Still, she came to the bedside and undid the cuff. Helena could not stop herself from clenching her first and withdrawing it immediately bringing her wrist to her other hand so that she could rub it. Miranda studied her for a moment, then moved back to her position by the door, her eyes on Kate.
What are they playing at?
"Right after I left here," Katelyn continued. "It..." Her smile was rueful. "Didn't quite go as expected."
Helena swallowed, trying to steel her nerves as she looked between the two women. She remembered the first day she saw them in what felt like a lifetime ago. They had stood together in the mine as they did now, a unit. She was the intruder and they were deciding how to deal with her. Helena closed her eyes for a moment then turned back to Katelyn.
"How did it go?"
Kate smiled sadly and glanced at Miranda. "We argued," she stated. "But, she sorted me out." She trailed off and sighed, leaning forward, her one hand briefly reaching out as if she wanted to touch Helena, but then immediately deciding against it.
"I pushed you too hard earlier," Katelyn said. "I see the evidence of it..." She sighed and motioned to the cuff but her gaze became harder. "I have a lot of questions, but... there is one thing I need to know from you first."
Helena glanced at Miranda again to try and see if the woman could give her any hint as to what Katelyn might end up asking, but she immediately got the impression that Miranda too didn't quite know where the conversation would go. Still, her body language was clear. She was here for Katelyn, not her. Helena had expected it, but it still hurt. She felt alien and abandoned.
Katelyn was still studying her and, when she returned her attention to the commander, the woman spoke up quietly. "We know you can see things no one should," she pointed out. "That you know of events of the future. Why do you deny it? Why do you keep that information from us? What's the reasoning?"
Why do I keep my secrets in a world that isn't mine?
Helena bit her lip, feeling as if every nerve in her body was shaking. She looked at Miranda, then back to Katelyn and finally out of the window. I can lie, she thought. I can deny it again. But, what's the point? They know. And denying Katelyn her information the first time was what had gotten me into this. Gotten me here.
She sighed and closed her eyes, deciding to be honest.
"Because we weren't supposed to be here," she said. "Because I was telling the truth when I said that the outcome is impossible to predict. You think I just see things, but it doesn't work that way. It's not... It's not a gift. It's just... knowing. But... also knowing that it's not my place to say." If Rinn was meant to say something, she wouldn't have forgotten it. "And because I am scared. Because I have never been as scared in my entire life as I am now of failing. Of doing the wrong thing."
She could feel Katelyn's gaze boring into her and expected the change. Expected her to turn on her again and demand the truth. She could feel that need in the woman yet glancing at Miranda, Katelyn held it back.
"Because everything hangs in the balance?" the commander queried. "Your future? Ours?"
Helena was very hard not to start panting, to keep herself focused and in control, but the fear that she was feeling was back tenfold. She could find no words, but nodded, not looking at either of the women. A part of her couldn't believe that she was having this conversation with these two women. I am just an author. I am just a scientist. They want to make me out as if I am some sort of clairvoyant, but I am not. I just... know because I played a game in another world.
The silence between them stretched and, although she didn't look up, Helena got the distinct impression that Katelyn was looking at Miranda. "Helena," she finally said then sighed and was silent for a few more moments. When she spoke again, her voice was softer. "I am intimately acquainted with that fear. It is why I am sitting right here now..." She's going to ask me, Helena thought and looked up, only to see Katelyn hold up her hand, stalling whatever she had thought Helena would say. "But the road I took today to get here," she paused and glanced at Miranda. "Was the wrong one. We can only do what we know is right." She turned her attention back to Helena and looked sad. "The problem is that the cost is so high. All we have is on the table and we only have the cards we're dealt with." She shook her head, her eyes bitter. "And at the moment, it looks like a pretty bad hand."
And you can't fold, Helena thought, imagining a poker game. You either bluff or try and get a better hand... She shuddered and rubbed her brow, aware of the fact that her hand was shaking. She could not manage to speak in more than a whisper.
"What do you want from me?"
Katelyn's sigh was softer this time and her look more intense as she focused on her. "I want you to help me," she said honestly. "But not for the reasons I presented earlier today." She waited until Helena met her gaze before she continued. "I used your fear against you. I was so angry and frustrated and..." She paused and tried to smile. "We don't gel. We really don't." When Helena didn't return her smile she sobered up and continued, motioning behind her. "I've had this conversation with Rinn and Samara and Miranda and..." The commander hesitated, glancing back at her XO. "In this, I have to trust the judgement of those I trust. I have to go with who I am and threatening you might get the job done, but..." She trailed off, glancing at Helena's hand which she had unconsciously clenched in her blankets.
"I am also afraid, Helena," Katelyn confessed. "I am afraid that I should know what you know to win this thing. Instead of trusting you with the choices of when to interfere and when not to. I don't know where we go from here. I don't know what's going to happen next. Whether we save Rinn or why she is so important to me. Why her opinion of me matters. I don't understand it and it scares me." Helena had to breathe very quickly to stem the sob that had burned in her chest, hearing her own words, her own frustration echoed back at her. She experienced the strangest sensation for a moment that, as Rinn sometimes acted as a mirror to her own emotions, Katelyn as doing the same. She was showing her a segment of her own fears and insecurities, only she held it in her own hands and it resonated. It resonated so clearly that, when Helena blinked her cheeks were wet and she had to struggle not to cry.
Katelyn was still talking, but her gaze had become more intense as she focused on Helena, sadder. "We will try," she said simply. "You and I. To make this work. To save her." Her eyes became kinder. "I am not going to hand her over – I used that against you, but... I can't do it. It's not who I am, it's not who these people trust me to be. And if that is the price of your cooperation, I won't pay it. Do you understand?"
She almost didn't. It was almost beyond her comprehension, the framework in which her addled mind allowed her to think. Helena had to take a moment and think. To gather herself. She had anticipated that Katelyn would just come in and get the answers out of her. She had anticipated that Miranda was there to act as witness. She had not expected Miranda and Samara to stand up for her. Rinn, yes. But against Katelyn? After she had all but promised that Helena could help them?
The devil is in the details, Helena thought and nodded slowly. She didn't know what else to do, she didn't know what to say. She could almost swear that Katelyn would be able to hear her heart, the terrible rhythm that it thundered in her chest.
Katelyn studied her for a moment, perhaps surprised by her silence, perhaps expecting more. When she saw that Helena would say no more, she leaned forward, once again meeting the woman's gaze. She held it until it felt as if it were only the two of them in the room. Watching her, Helena could see that her breathing wasn't normal either, that her hands were tense, her eyes a little whiter. Perhaps in fear, perhaps tension. This wasn't easy for her, but she was trying.
"I need to know you will step up when the time comes," Katelyn pointed out. "I have to trust that Rinn's trust in you is not misplaced. I have to believe that I am not making the kind of mistakes you're afraid of. That makes you doubt me."
"I don't..." Helena didn't know what to say. "Commander, I... I promise. With all I have. I promise." It felt like the only thing that she could say, the only thing that she could promise. And, Katelyn accepted it.
The commander nodded slowly, held her gaze for a moment longer then slowly turned back to Miranda. Seeking approval. When Helena turned to the XO, she saw the woman's nearly unseen nod, the brief smile that played across her nearly stoic features as she considered Katelyn. It made the commander smile and, however briefly the look was, it made her look younger, almost beautiful.
Helena closed her eyes and blew out a breath she didn't know that she had been holding. The world faded for a moment and she leaned forward, placing her hand over her face to gather herself. She heard the chair shift, felt Katelyn move away from her and then... then when she opened her eyes again, they were gone.
"Dr Petri wants to speak to you tomorrow morning," the hard faced asari was saying, her arms crossed over her chest as she faced Miranda down. "He says it's rather urgent."
Miranda looked at her and simply nodded, too tired, too drained to think of anything to say in return. The nurse had cornered her the moment she stepped out of the room. She clearly had something to say, some fight to pick. It is about Helena of course. After the day we've had?
Katelyn's exit was a few seconds after her. They had not needed to say anything to each other, but left Helena, her face in her hand as she tried to gather herself. Miranda couldn't explain it to herself, but she was relieved at the way Kate handled this. She was proud of her because she knew how difficult it must've been.
"Is there a problem?" Kate asked behind her, moving in beside her so that they could face the nurse's ire together. The asari turned to her, assessed who she was and frowned.
"Not at the moment no, Commander," she said. "But I was informing Dr Lawson that Dr Petri wants to see her urgently tomorrow morning. First thing." She glanced at Miranda then moved back to the nurse's station. "See to it that she's on time."
Miranda sighed and glanced back at Katelyn who looked tired, but amused. "And here I can't find my flight schedule without you," the commander pointed out. "And she wants me to remind you to be up bright and early. Who will we implore to wake me?"
Smiling briefly, Miranda shook her head. "Well, we have an AI with no shackles," she said under her breath. "We can put her to good use." She shrugged and glanced at Helena's door, fighting the urge to go to her and see if she was alright.
Of course she isn't.
Grimacing, Miranda turned back to Kate to find that the commander was studying her. She didn't like that look as it was the same one that she had had in Mordin's lab when they were discussing what to do with Helena. Unable to stand it again, she shifted and returned the commander's scrutiny.
"Are you alright, Kate?"
The commander's gaze immediately became introspective as she shook her head and glanced back to Helena's door herself. "I shouldn't be doing this," she said but it sounded half-hearted. "I should go back there and get answers out of her…" She trailed off, running her fingers through her hair. "But you know, I'm tired of second guessing myself so fuck it." The words surprised Miranda because she didn't often hear Kate swear. She was about to comment when Kate once again turned that look on her. "Do you want to stay with her for a bit? See if she's alright?"
Yes, Miranda thought, but sighed. "I shouldn't get involved, Commander," she pointed out. "And she's going to need time to gather herself. Recharge. It's been a rough day and… she's not well."
Kate's look was unreadable as she shrugged and started walking. "I shouldn't be leaving it in her hands either," she pointed out. "But it's been one of those days. If you feel that you should go back then go, Miranda."
She considered it for a moment, but sighed and touched Kate's elbow. "No," she said quietly. "Not tonight. Not now." She paused and tightened her grip on the commander's arm for a moment. "You did the right thing, Kate. I… trust Helena, if that makes sense. She'll keep her word. Do things her way. Sometimes… with people like her that's what you need to do. Hand over the reins and see where she takes the horse."
Kate blinked at the statement, giving her an amused look. "Learned that in the outback?" She queried dryly to which Miranda smiled embarrassed and shrugged.
"Let's go back to the Normandy," she said. "You should get to bed. It's been a long day." And I still have to try and get that machine of Mordin working. She wondered if she had time to quickly stop by the salarian's room when Kate briefly and unexpectantly put an arm around her middle.
"I'll go if you go, Ms Lawson," she said and her voice was surprisingly teasing. "To separate rooms of course." Her voice became a bit more sombre. "It's been a long day and tired as you are, I can't see you doing any more good with that machine. As you said, we have time." Her eyes were dark, but determined. "All of this," she motioned to the hospital then back to Helena's room. "They can wait one night. Eight hours. We have that."
Miranda nodded, but was mildly relieved when Kate drew away, her features sobering again. "Miranda, I don't want you to wave this off, but listen to me. I haven't thank you as much as I should have. Not from the start, not with them. I owe you." When the XO started to protest, Kate quickly held up her hand.
"No," she said. "That's an order, Officer Lawson. You'll just have to endure listening to praise this one time."
Miranda closed her mouth, cutting off all protests. She sighed and considered Kate's words for a moment, trying to find a way to alleviate what she felt pressing against her heart.
"I believe in you, Commander," she said finally and looked away. "I have never believed in anybody, but I believe in you. Because of what you can do in there. Because of what you are capable of." She felt herself beginning to blush and breathed quickly and deeply. "That's why I would've supported you in whatever you chose. Because I know that it's the right thing. And certainly the better choice to what I would've made."
She was surprised when Kate smiled at her and shook her head. "I'm not so sure about that," the commander pointed out. "Come on, Miranda, let's go to bed. Tomorrow, the morning and the future will take care of itself. We can take the night off."