Chapter 19
Trio's first impulse was to get away from that Tank as quickly as possible, and to lure it away from the base, lest Viggo use the opportunity take out Separatists as extra pickings.
But he knew if he ran away the Tank would be on him in seconds. So he ran towards it.
A turret fired and missed. Trio's mind was racing. If Viggo was in there alone, he couldn't possibly fire and reload every gun at the same time. So if he moved back and forth….
And then he noticed that the Supreme Leader was not alone in there.
"Hey!" Trio yelled, "The deal was single combat!"
"Oh, they're part of the weapon," the Don called back, dismissively.
Trio was outraged. So were all the others who heard the exchange. Viggo just chuckled at his own apparent cleverness.
The Supreme Leader's actions, however, had unwittingly triggered a violent reaction from the Separatists. Since Viggo had interpreted the challenge this way, they decided to do the same. Trio had only challenged Viggo to single combat; nobody had said anything anyone else fighting. So the Separatist pilots jumped back into their ships and took off, aiming to blast the Shattermaster into oblivion. And the Shattermaster fired back.
The people on the ground were now in a very bad predicament, especially Trio. Shot at by the monster Tank whilst dodging shells from above, he expected to be pulverized any moment. The miracle was that he somehow was not. He could hear Gobber shouting over the noise "The Torque is protecting you, my boy!" But that hardly made him feel better, and he went back to his plan of luring the Red Death away while he looked for an opening and hoped the Torque really was on his side.
Meanwhile, the Separatist who was keeping Snot pinned had lost focus due to the fighting. Snot took advantage of this to shoot lighting from his fingers for the very first time and threw the large man off. What Snot's plan was I do not know, and perhaps Snot himself had no plan in mind, but whatever it was it was made moot by Princess Astrid storming over to him, cool as ice and headless of the thousands of gunshots bursting above and around them.
"Traitor." She snarled, her electric axe pointed at him.
Snot shot lighting at her, but she blocked it.
"I did it all for you, babe!" he shouted.
"And I'm doing this for you, 'babe'!" she leapt at him, axe swinging. Such was her fury that Snot bolted, only to run right smack into the hull of the Centennial Condor.
.
General Vast was barking orders left and right. His wife was helping a gun crew to aim. The insanity of a battle had erupted in full force among the Separatists. Nut 1 and Nut 2 watched the action with growing excitement, but also impatience. "Look at all this! All this beautiful chaos and destruction! Can't we join in?"
"How?" Nut 2 asked.
Nut 1 pointed to the Shattermaster drifting sluggishly overhead. "Let's destroy that thing once and forever!"
Nut 2 grinned. "Let's!"
They grabbed each other's hands and took two steps forward. Then they stopped.
"How?" Nut 2 said again.
Nut 1 shrugged. "Get to the engines and sabotage them. Make them blow up! Or maybe we can dislocate the main reactor or something?"
"And what keeps the ship from blowing up while we're still on it? I don't wanna sound like a fraidy cat, but I don't really wanna be decommissioned now either. We've gotta see the ending of this first!"
"True. And I've gotta see my marriage to General Eret take place. I can't do that if I'm decommissioned." Nut 1 said sadly, "so who'd know how to sabotage a reactor without it going off while we're within range?"
Their eyes fell upon Doctor Ingerman, who had taken shelter behind some crates, shuddering at the explosions. They nodded to each other, sly grins on their faces, and walked right over to him and grabbed his wheel chair with him still in it.
"Hey! What are you doing?"
"Calm down, Doctor." Nut 2 replied, "Now's not the time to be afraid."
"Save it for later," Nut 1 added.
"Mein himmel! Where are you taking me?"
They dragged him screaming towards Viggo's shuttle. "You're gonna help us blow up a ship."
"VHAT! No! No! WE'LL ALL BE KILLED! THIS ISN'T PART OF THE PLAN!"
"We're improvising."
"But I'm a doctor, not a demolition expert!"
"You've got about 20 minutes to become one, then. Better start studying." Nut 1 replied, her hands trembling in eager anticipation. "Now, when we get up there, you boys go destroy the reactor while I find General Eret."
"The Torque have mercy." Dr. Ingerman said, miserably resigned to his fate.
.
Trio rolled aside as another missile missed him.
"Can't you people aim properly?" The Supreme Leader yelled at his Tank crew.
"Sorry, sir, but he's so small he's evading our turbo cannons!"
"What's the matter?" Trio yelled from his position, "Don't they train you guys to shoot in military school?"
Actually, none of the Tank crew had gone to military school. There was only one military school in the Federation (reserved primarily for training officers), and there was no money in the budget for another.
"Well if you can't shoot him, run him over!" the Supreme Leader ordered. "You can do that, can't you?"
"I used to operate a bulldozer, before I was drafted," the driver remarked.
"Good! Then run him over and leave him flatter than cheese!" Don Viggo de Cappuccino cried maniacally.
"Then old Viggo will become the Universe's biggest cheese!" the gunner mumbled to the man who was loading.
The Supreme Leader came partway down from the Tank's hatch. "What was that?"
"Nothing!" the gunner shrieked.
Trio, crouching behind a block of cheese, smiled to himself. He could not hear what was going on in the Tank, but he saw it speeding towards him. He retracted the blade in his sword and flipped the hilt around so that the end pointed at the Red Death. With the pressing of a button, a grappling hook shot out from the hilt and imbedded itself in the Tank's metal hull. Trio pressed the button again and the cable retracted, pulling him right into the side of the Tank. Without hesitation he climbed onto the top.
The Supreme Leader gaped. "How the—"
"Can your weapons do that?" Trio retorted before slugging the man in the face.
A crewman chose this as the time to pop his head up and see what was going on. Trio kicked the Don so that he landed right on top of him and the crewman fell back into the belly of the Tank with a loud CLANG!
"Oh my head!" the poor man yelled.
"Your weapon of choice is hurting your own people," Trio smirked.
"Trifles," the Supreme Leader replied with a dismissive wave of his hand.
"Trifles!" the crewmen cried indignantly. The Don ignored them.
.
Snot was swinging his own (stolen) weapon of choice around like a lunatic, so Astrid backed up the Condor's ramp to get a better position. Snot followed her into the ship itself, which was just what the Princess wanted. In the narrow passageways of the ship, he was forced to reduce the swinging. Nevertheless, he struck many panels and sparks flew from them.
"All I've ever wanted was for you to love me!" he yelled.
"Blah, blah, blah, and all I've ever wanted was for you to leave me alone!" she snapped back. "Ever since you met me you've acted like an obsessive jerk!"
"Hey! I wasn't acting!"
Astrid looked at him in mock amazement. "I've just heard a miracle take place! For once, you're actually right!"
Snot's face went red. "It's because you think I'm not good enough for you, huh? Like that Trio's any better!"
"He's worth a hundred of you!" she shouted. "You're not fit to lick his boots!"
"Boot, you mean," Snot sneered. "And I'll show you how 'fit' I am!" He pulled a grenade from his belt, bit the pin with his teeth, pulled it out, and spat it away. His triumphant grin turned into a mouth of gaping horror when he realized what he had just done.
"Ast, could you—"
"Yeah, sure," she darted over to where the pin lay and very carefully put it back in the grenade. They breathed again after a few deathly tense seconds. Then she tore the grenade out of Snot's hand and struck him in the head with it. "You IDIOT! You dirty little son of a bilge rat! Did your brain get left behind when you exited the birth canal, you piece of snail vomit?"
"I never thought I'd live to hear such language coming from a princess!" Snot said, "I'm shocked! Shocked!"
"You could've blown us up!"
"I wasn't thinking!" Snot squealed. Death was still fresh on his mind.
"NO KIDDING!" She pointed to a floor panel. "Now stand right there."
Snot took a step back and waved a finger. "Oh no you don't! I know what'll happen! If I stand there, you'll pull the lever, and out the ceiling flying go I! Well, sorry my love, but I'm not falling for that trick this time!"
She pulled the lever. The panel rose and Snot with it and out the ceiling flew he. His screams followed right after.
"I knew you wouldn't. That's why I pointed to the wrong panel," Astrid said smugly.
.
Dagur gritted his teeth as he looked for an opening. Suddenly he darted forward and struck Heather on the leg. "Your kneecaps are weak, young lady!"
Heather gritted her teeth too. "You can't win, Dagur. Do that again and I'm going to be angrier than you can possibly imagine."
"Ooooh, I'm soooo scared."
"You should be. You should not have come here." She swung her shield. She missed, but Dagur still had to back away from her.
"If you'd just given me the Stone I wouldn't have to be here any longer."
"Poor brother of mine. Being a man you don't have the intellectual capacity to see all the harm people like you bring to this universe."
"What's that supposed to mean?" he demanded, trying to strike her again.
"It means that you're a real pain and shouldn't be in power." She observed several buttons on the shield and, curious, she pressed one. One of the spikes shot out of the shield and imbedded itself in a mound of cheese. "Whoa." She held the shield horizontal, aimed it at Dagur, and pressed the button again. Another spike shot out, like a crossbow bolt, and another, and another. Dagur jumped frantically to dodge them. She smiled sweetly. "That Trio's really got some cool toys, huh?"
Even while dodging flying death Dagur felt jealous. "And to think…he could've been my brother!"
"No, that's not—wait what?"
"I said he could've been my brother."
Heather cocked her head to one side. "He isn't…right?"
"Of course not! I said he could've been my brother!"
"Our brother, you mean,"
"No, just mine. You don't count anymore."
Heather fired another bolt at him, but there were only a few left now. "Oh, I don't, do I? Well then, if Trio isn't your brother, than what is he?"
"MY ENEMYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!"
.
The circuits in 2TH-LS were nearly overheating as he watched his human battle that monstrous Tank. The relief felt each time he saw Trio scored a gain was offset by the anxiety of what might happen next. But worst of all was the feeling of not being able to do anything to help Trio. After all, this was supposed to be single combat.
"Then again, the odds are poor that the Supreme Leader will care about fairness whether he wins or loses…and what Trio doesn't know won't hurt me."
So he rolled onto the Condor (and nearly exploded with fury when he beheld the damage Astrid and Snot had done to its interior) and went right over to the gun controls.
"Let's see now…here I am, aiming to shoot down ships flying above me, to help my homo-sapiens comrades in arms…annnnnnnd…" he took aim and fired at the Red Death, landing a direct hit on its rear. Thick black smoke burst from it. "Oops! I did not mean to do that! Something must have caused the turret to change direction. Clumsy me. Oh dear, whatever shall we do? Poor Supreme Leader's weapon of choice just got damaged—too bad it can't be helped now!"
He chuckled at his feigned innocence and readied another shot. But then he saw Trio climbing onto the Tank and held his fire.
"You idiot! I could blow that iron beast to pieces, but you just had to do the smart thing and get on top of it!"
The robot remained where he was, in case another opening came up.
.
Others were watching the battle as well. These would be Gobber and the Terrible Terrors, who were chanting:
"Trio, Trio, he's our guy!
Kill that dude and make him die!"
Gobber shook his head. "You're Defenders of the Torque. You're not supposed to be so bloodthirsty!"
"We're also called Terrible Terrors, remember?" one retorted.
"Besides, is it not the Will of the Torque that the nasty Supreme Leader should lose?" another added.
"True," Gobber was forced to acknowledge. Then they saw Trio take a blow to the nose, stumble, and nearly fall off the Tank. "Are you sure the Torque chose the right guy?"
The Terrors were outraged. "ARE YOU QUESTIONING THE TORQUE?"
Gobber quickly raised his hands, real and fake. "No, no, no!"
"Good!"
Their gazes drifted to the battle raging about the Shattermaster. It was like flies buzzing around a cape buffalo. No matter how many times the Shattermaster fired, the enemy ships kept right on firing back, as if their pilots were driven by a single purpose.
"Wish we could do something," one Terror mumbled.
"Like what? We can't fly fast enough to dodge those blasty things," by which she meant the lasers the Shattermaster was madly shooting, "and we'd have to get close to use fire."
"Bummer,"
"Bummer indeed."
Gobber smiled at them. "My friends, if it is the Will of the Torque, you will find a way to help. And if not—"
A ship exploded right over them. They immediately leapt over a bank of cheese as the burning wreckage fell with a crash precisely where they had been sitting.
"—well, if it's not the Will of the Torque, I'd say discretion is the better part of valor!" Gobber finished, his face paler than usual as he stared at the smoldering wreckage.
The Terrors nodded vigorously, and then went back to cheering on Trio. They figured providing moral support was helpful enough.
.
Dagur was roaring like a lunatic. He charged forward and almost sliced Heather in two, but she managed to block it just in time. He slammed his sword against her shield, and pushed with all his might. Heather felt her arm yielding under the weight. Unfortunately for her, arm strength was one area where Dagur was her superior, and he was clearly (and furiously) determined to press her to the ground and finish her off.
She shook her head, as if ignorant this. "Tsk, tsk, you should be careful, brother. That kind of anger can't be good for your blood pressure."
If she had wanted to get a rise out of him she succeeded spectacularly. He broke off his attack and began screaming. "WILL PEOPLE PLEASE STOP BRINGING UP MY STUPID BLOOD PRESSURE? MY BLOOD PRESSURE IS PERFECTLY FINE!" "I AM PER-" He forcefully jumped up and down in sync with each syllable, "-FECT-LY FINE!"
Heather had been started by the outburst, but now she laughed. "I wonder. Perhaps you should read up on it sometime. You might learn something."
"Learn something from a book! While I'm still alive? HAH! That'd be like reading those stupid stories by that Cressida Cowell!"
Heather gasped.
"Or those worthless Fanfictions by that idiotic Threni!"
"You did not just say that!" Heather said hoarsely.
"I did! Haha! And just what are you going to do about it?" he jeered.
You should know that I, the Author, was originally going to have Dagur scream about how healthy he is and then have him suffer a stroke brought on by high blood pressure. But that joke seemed a bit weak, and I, the Author, decided to go for something else. And since I am the Author, yes, the idiotic Author of 'worthless Fanfictions', I can do anything I like with this story and nobody can stop me! So…
Dagur suddenly found himself no longer on Eren'dor. He was not there any longer because I, the Author, say he was not, because I, the Author, can write it however I want! He was now sitting on a small boat that was following an underwater track. At first he could not see where he was, but then light appeared and he saw and heard, very much to his horror.
He saw dolls. Dolls up on little platforms, on all sides of him. Dolls depicting every kind of culture and ethnicity on Earth. Dolls wearing all kinds of clothing, from silks to furs. Dolls dancing and singing in every known language. And they were all singing the same song:
"It's a world of Laughter, a world of Tears,
It's a world of Hope and a world of Fears"
No, not that, Dagur thought, not that song!
"There's so much that we share—"
He started shouting "NO!"
"—that it's time we're aware—"
"CEASE!"
And then they started the chorus. That infamously catchy chorus that infallibly gets stuck in the head and never leaves; the one that goes on and on over and over and over and over…
"It's a small world after all!"
"SHUT UP!" Dagur pressed his hands against his ears, but all in vain. And then he saw something even more horrifying, if that were possible.
"NO! NOT THEM!" he screamed.
Yes, it was them! Remember those Ambassadors he shot in his very first scene, way back in Chapter 1? Probably not, but you can always go back and reread it. The Ambassadors from that scene were here too, wearing white robes, angel wings, and halos, and holding harps in their toad-like hands.
"We-sa warned you you-sa in big doodoo!"
"Now we-sa gonna sing for you!"
"It-sa worlds of laugh-laughs, a worlds of—"
Dagur screamed loud and long, but not as loud or long as the singing. This was the absolute worst torture imaginable for him. He, who had sent so many into comas by forcing them to watch bad movies, could not stand to hear such a catchy and cheery (and exasperatingly cheesy) song. Why, he was in a waking nightmare! Dolls singing, dancing, singing, dancing, singing, dancing, all of them so happy, all of them so buoyant. On and on it went, without end! And suddenly his blood pressure could not take it any longer, and his head exploded.
The moral of this story is: never insult the Author.