Hey there! Again I´m a week earlier than intended with a new chapter but the muses have been kind to me lately and have given me inspiration to work on my two boys, so of course I had to write and well, here it is. It´s probably the longest chapter I´ve written so far and it´s… angsty, I guess, but please don't hate me! I just felt something like this needed to happen before things get even worse and… don't hate me, really. Please don't. :3 Apart from that and as always, thanks so much for reading!
Chapter 25: Breaking Point
Louis lay very still on the car seat. His spine was so straight it almost looked painful, his gaze was stuck somewhere far away, his hands were balled into fists in his lap. He´d squeezed them so hard his knuckles were white, and his arms were shaking in an almost imperceptible way.
Kazuhiko gave him a worried look, bit his bottom lip, then tightened his owns hands around the steering wheel. He thought about it, God knows he did, but in the end the words left his mouth.
"You don't have to do this," he said, breaking the silence that had reigned since he´d parked outside the Sunrise Residence almost ten minutes ago.
He´d expected some sharp retort, or some comment about how Louis felt he was being underestimated. All he got was a small shake of the head.
The brunette tried again. "Louis, you really don't have to do this. You´re staying at my place, and you have your personal stuff here. I wouldn't mind sharing clothes with you. I´m only a couple inches taller and I´m not that big, so they´ll fit you just fine. Besides, if you need money I can…"
"Stop, Kaz."
"But…"
"Don't say anything."
"Louis…"
"No!" Livid mauve eyes glared into his. The shaking on the limbs got worse. "Don't speak," Louis ordered, tone sharp.
Kazuhiko blinked in surprised. If anyone else had talked to him in such manner when all he was trying to do was help he would have gotten mad. Since it was Louis, all he felt was fear.
"We both know you don't want to go in there," he almost wailed.
The redhead lowered his eyes, shook his head. "I have to go in. I don't know what to expect, but I need my stuff, and I have to talk to them."
"Then at least let me go in with you."
"No!" Again, Louis raised his voice, making Kazuhiko recoil, and the former flinched. He rubbed his eyes with his palms.
"I´m sorry, Kaz. I´m so sorry. I don't want to snap at you. I don't want to get mad at you," he whispered, and shook his head again.
The brunette felt helpless. Here Louis was, fighting an inner battle, feeling both nervous and angry, feeling on freaking edge… and he knew nothing he did would help ease the other man. Nothing he said would help. Nothing he did would show support.
Damn it. He absolutely loathed the feeling.
So he tried to get rid of it. "What can I do to help?" he asked.
"You've already helped me through all of this hellish situation, Kaz."
"It´s not enough. I don't feel like I´ve done enough," he insisted.
The redhead gave a soft snort, unclenched his fists, then leaned across the seat to grab his boyfriend´s face between his hands. "It´s more than enough, and I´m the one who hasn't thanked you enough times," he mumbled, and touched his lips to the brunette´s.
Before Kazuhiko could get his hands on him to deepen the kiss, Louis pulled back. He gave a soft smile.
"Here we go." Without further delay, he got out of the car.
He managed to walk into the front yard, pass the tree and the three stairs that led to the door. There, his hand froze.
His breath caught in his throat. His heartbeat sped up. His hands started shaking again, but he told himself to calm down. He did his best to breathe in an even manner. Nonetheless, it took much more courage than he would have liked to admit to open the door and take the first step inside.
He was met by absolute and peaceful silence.
He let out a relieved sigh, gathered up some courage, then took the elevator. It was a Sunday late afternoon. Most brothers would either be somewhere in the city or in the fifth floor. The chances of getting in and out without being noticed were sort of good.
The elevator door opened on the third floor. He poked his head out. Empty. Calmed, he walked down the hall and into his room. More blessed silence.
Beginning to feel at home again, Louis pulled out a suitcase and began stuffing his clothes inside. He also threw in other personal items, work appliances, books and whatever else he thought would be useful. When he was finished, his lips curved upward. There. He was good for at least another three weeks.
He opened the door and peeked out into the hall. Empty. He began his walk towards the elevator with his suitcase, and managed to get back to the first floor before things started going downhill.
He´d just stepped out of the elevator when the front door opened, and none other than Ema and Subaru walked inside. They were both smiling.
Louis froze. He almost dropped the suitcase, and that little slip made the other two notice him.
Subaru´s face clouded over right away. Ema paled, but she rushed forward, hands extended.
Louis retreated various steps without even thinking.
Her expression fell. "Louis-san…" she began. One of her hands curled as if to grab his arm.
All thoughts and emotions came back to him in a sudden blow. The feeling of betrayal –both from her and from his family– was the strongest. He couldn't take it. He had to flee.
Without even looking at Ema, Louis sidestepped her. Her hands grabbed empty air, but she didn't stop there. She turned, her eyes already watery.
"Louis-san, can we talk?" she whispered.
Louis shook his head, kept moving forward.
"Louis-san, please! We have to talk."
No, they had nothing to talk about, and he didn't want to. He didn't want to even see her, let alone hear what she had to say. He´d seen enough the last week, and he´d had enough of what she could do.
"Louis-san!" she cried, but when he didn't hesitate she screamed, "I´m sorry! If you won´t listen to me at least let me tell you that: I´m so sorry!"
The redhead stilled.
Sorry? She was sorry?
Louis had never heard such a big, fat, ugly lie.
"I have to go," he muttered, and tried to get out the door, but Subaru stopped him.
"Don't be mean, Louis-nii. Listen to her."
"No."
"But she said she´s sorry."
Oh for heaven´s sake. Ema was sorry and Subaru of all people was repeating it? Louis felt his almost-nonexistent temper flare.
"Don't make fun of me," he said, and glared at the two of them.
Ema´s mouth dropped. Subaru blinked. Had Louis just snapped at them?
"Louis-nii," Subaru said.
The redhead shook his head. "Don't talk to me, either of you. I´m not in the mood to deal with this."
"But we have to talk!" Ema cried.
"No."
Something seemed to occur to Subaru. "You don't want to talk her because that idiot is waiting for you outside? Is he in the silver car outside the house?"
Louis gritted his teeth. He gave Subaru a deadly look. "Do you have a problem with that?"
"After what he caused, after what he did to her, you still bring him around?"
"Subaru-san!" came the feminine cry.
She was ignored. Subaru because he´d already gotten mad. Louis because he would not listen to such nonsense.
"And what did Kazuhiko do to her?" he said. "And what do you mean what he caused? As far as I know, Ema is the one who likes him, not the other way around."
"So he´s brainwashed you too!" Subaru threw his hands into the air.
"I am not brainwashed. I know what I´m talking about."
"So you´re telling me the guy loves you so much he doesn't want her."
… Subaru had never said such a stupid thing before. Ema´s umpteenth and outraged "Subaru-san!" proved it.
Louis stared at his brother. "Do you really mean what you just said?" he asked, and his tone was now acquiring a creepy emptiness. His insides were fluttering, his blood was turning to ice. What he´d just heard had brought to mind some terrible moments of his adolescence.
I wasn't loved because I wasn't enough.
"Of course I do!" Subaru said. Because in his head, why would the guy still choose Louis –his brother– when beautiful, sweet, feminine Ema liked him and even wanted something romantic to do with him.
The concept was too abstract and selfish for Subaru to understand because he was also drowning in selfishness and jealousy.
Louis fisted his hands. "I don't understand," he said. He was shaking, and those ghosts were about to take over his mind, but he would not cry, dammit. He would not spill a tear.
I wasn't loved because I wasn't enough.
Subaru was far too gone to understand what his elder said. Ema wasn't, and she asked, "Understand what?"
He turned like a whirlwind. His eyes were burning, but at the same time they held a fragility so big it scared her. She´d never seen eyes like that.
"Why?" he managed to say through gritted teeth.
"Why what?"
"Just… why, Ema?" And Louis knew he was done for. The gates had been opened, and all the things he´d thought during the weekend would come spilling out like a river.
"Why?" he repeated, and he´d squeezed his hands so hard his knuckles were white again. "Why is everyone doing this to me? Why are you doing this to me? I loved you like a sister, you know. And I thought my family would always stick with me, but now I see I´m wrong, and as much as I hate to say it, I feel like it´s your fault."
"Hey!" Subaru screamed.
The redhead ignored him, just kept his eyes on the now blushing girl.
"I´m sorry I´m causing you pain," she said, and she meant it.
"You´re not sorry, or maybe you are, but it doesn't matter," Louis retorted. "You still like Kazuhiko, and your crush caused all this."
"She didn't do anything. That guy did," Subaru said.
The redhead glared at him. "Kazuhiko didn't do anything! Don't blame him for this."
"Well, why did he appear in the first place?"
"Because he and I are going out."
"And you´re going to tell me you honestly don't believe he´s looked at her even once?" Subaru snorted.
I wasn't loved because I wasn't enough.
"Subaru-san, please stop," Ema begged, then whined, "Louis-san, I really am sorry. I don't want you guys to fight."
"But you still like the guy," Subaru´s said, and his face fell. "Why him? Why couldn't it be someone else?"
"Subaru-san, one doesn't choose who they end having feelings for."
Louis felt as if he´d been stabbed right through the fucking heart.
He swallowed hard, and all of a sudden he felt dizzy. At the same time the memories came back full force, and he almost felt nauseous.
"Am I your biological son?"
Miwa flinched. "Louie, darling, we don't have to…"
"Am I?"
"Louie…"
"Am I?!"
At the anguished scream, Miwa flinched again. She reached out a hand, but twelve-year-old Louis stumbled back as if she were something poisonous. He clutched to his chest the adoption papers he´d found in her studio while he was searching for some magazines he and Hikaru were going to cut out and make a collage of. He looked devastated, and his eyes already glistened with tears.
When the woman kept quiet and her expression remained somber, Louis began sniffling. "You´re not my mom." He said it like it was the biggest sin in the world.
At that outburst, Miwa did react, and she rushed forwards to cradle the small redhead between her arms.
"No, don't say that. Of course I´m your mom," she said, rubbing at his hair.
Louis stayed impassive in her arms. "These papers say you aren't. You´re not my biological mom," he whispered. And the tears spilled out. "You´re not my mom, and Hikaru-nii isn't my brother." He actually let out a sob. "No one is my brother, is it? None of you are my family."
"Oh, Louie, don't say that. Of course we´re your family."
"But… but…" He felt his throat was closing up, and he let out more sniffles. "I´m adopted."
Miwa hugged him tight. She stayed quiet.
He continued crying. "I´m adopted. I´m adopted. Please answer me, am I adopted?"
"Louie…"
"Tell me, please!"
"Honey, does it really matter?
"Yes it does!" He pushed away from her with all he had and clutched between his arms the folder with the papers. He could still see it, his birth certificate, with his biological´s name unknown, his father´s name something he couldn't pronounce, and then lots and lots more sheets which marked the adoption process, up to his last elementary school form, which said the relationship the two of them had was by adoption, not by blood. Miwa wasn't his mother. She wasn't. And that meant Masa-nii wasn't his brother, and therefore he didn't have to take care of Louis like he did. And Hikaru wasn't his family either, so they couldn't do things together liked they used to. Hikaru didn't have to spoil him and tease him like he did. And baby Wataru wasn't his brother either, so Louis had no right to hold him and play with him and bathe him like a good older brother was supposed to. And…
"Give me that." Miwa´s soft voice interrupted his thoughts. He blinked his tears away and let her take the documents from his limp hands. When they were empty, she wrapped her arms around him like she usually did. The gesture wasn't different, but Louis felt it was.
"I didn't want to tell you until you were older," Miwa said softly.
"You´re not my mom, and they are not my brothers." At that moment, he wasn't capable of thinking anything else.
"Don't say that. Sweetheart, of course we´re your family."
"But we´re not blood."
"So what? I love you very much, and you´re so special to me, Louie. You´re my son, and you´ll always be."
Though he tried, he couldn't stop crying. He felt overwhelmed, he felt betrayed. He felt he was too young to know such a thing but he was also scared. He didn't remember anything about his biological family. Nothing. It was all a blank. Though the papers said he´d arrived at the Asahina household when he was a few months shy of turning two, as far as he could remember, he´d always lived at the Sunrise Residence and he wished he could look even farther and try to remember at least a small detail about his true parents.
And then it occurred to him.
"Why did they give me up?" he asked, and the thought –though in very different words– spilled out of his mouth for the very first time in his life.
"Didn't they love me?" he asked Miwa. "Didn't I mean enough to them? Is that why they gave me up?"
Over the years, with help of the family he´d believed he had, he´d grown out of that mentality. It had been tough, but he´d managed. And yet, the way Subaru had spoken, how Kazuhiko shouldn't love him but her just because Ema was there… a wound he´d thought was closed had been reopened in the worst possible way.
"Louis-san." Ema´s worried voice cut off his painful train of thought. He whipped his head around to look at Subaru and Ema. He must have looked worse than he thought, because her expression turned worried. Subaru, on the other hand, frowned and reached out as if to touch him.
"Don't. You. Dare."
A hand landed on Subaru´s arm before the latter could touch Louis, who blinked, then let out a soft gasp as he realized who´d stopped his brother.
"You…" he began.
Kazuhiko´s eyes flicked to him for a millisecond, then they went back to a furious Subaru.
"Get your hand off me," the raven-haired man growled.
"Get away from Louis first," the brunette snapped.
"I wasn't…"
"I don't care. Back off or I swear to God I´ll make you back off."
"Are you trying to pick a fight with me, you unscrupulous bastard?"
"I´ll be more than happy to put you in your place, and I will if you don't stop messing with Louis."
"You don't have any right to get involved."
"Like hell I don't." Kazuhiko glanced at Louis´s pained expression again. His eyes softened. "I´m sorry. I tried staying in the car, I promise, but I saw you meet these two idiots down here and you didn't come out after so long and… I got worried."
Under any other circumstances, Louis would have rolled his eyes and even chastised the brunette for being so paranoid and fussing so much. As it was, all he did was nod.
"Thank you," he whispered, and was surprised his voice didn't come out as broken as he felt.
"Ugh. You´re disgusting," Subaru told Kazuhiko, which earned him a deadly look and an obscene hand gesture.
"Oh, so that´s how we´re playing it? Fine! Bring it, caramel boy!"
The two of them were about to go at it again, but Louis´s empty, "Don't be such children," stopped them not because of the words, but because of the tone in which they were said.
Subaru looked at the redhead, and his eyes flew wide. The elder looked… well, he didn't look much of anything, really. And therein laid the problem. Louis was not that expressive in the first place, but the way he looked right then…
I wasn't loved because I wasn't enough.
I wasn't loved because I wasn't enough.
The thought was plaguing him. The memory played back in his head over and over. The wound he´d forgotten all about was wide open now, and he couldn't take it. It was too much.
It was way too much.
He had to leave. He had to get out of there and just forget about his family and that stupid complex he had. He also wanted to stop seeing Ema out of the corner of his eyes. She was the reason as to why Subaru was acting that way, and he was the reason why Louis was suddenly jerked back to that terrible part of his life.
He couldn't take it. It was simply too much.
He blinked, then gripped his suitcase and without saying anything he made his way to the door. His hand closed over the handle. He opened the door and had taken a step outside when Kazuhiko´s hands grabbed his arm.
"I have to go," Louis said. He didn't turn around.
"Where are you going?" The brunette said, and stepped in front of him without releasing him.
"I have to go, Kaz."
"But where…?" The mauve eyes looked like glass, both because of their shininess and their fragility. "Oh, never mind. Let´s go."
"No, not with you."
"… Huh?"
Louis shook his head, rubbed at his face with both palms, then kept moving forward. "I need to get my stuff from your car. Then I´m leaving."
"What on Earth are you babbling about? We´d agreed we´d go back to my apartment and…"
"I can´t. I have to go now. Please, let me get my things."
"But…"
"Kaz."
Confused, scared, Kazuhiko held out the car keys. Louis took them and went to retrieve his canvas bag from inside. He went back to return the keys, and now both Subaru and Ema stood there with the brunette.
"Here," he said hollowly, and handed them over.
Kazuhiko hesitated in taking them. "Louis, what are you doing?" he asked in an almost timid way.
"I´m returning your keys, and now I´m walking to the train station."
His face fell.
"Louis-nii," Subaru said.
There was no answer. Ema tried, "Louis-san, you don't look good."
"I don't feel good," the redhead replied, hefted his bag over one shoulder, grabbed his other big suitcase and said, "I´ll be back soon, if any of the Asahinas bother to ask for me." I wasn't loved because I wasn't enough.
Subaru finally stopped looking furious. He now looked terrified. Ema´s and Kazuhiko´s expression were almost identical. Then, to their absolute amazement, Louis walked out of the Sunrise Residence and headed for the train station he walked to every day to get to work.
After two whole minutes –Kazuhiko felt it was only two, but it had to have been much longer– he was the first one to react, and he did so by turning to glare at the two idiots behind him.
"What did you say to him?" he demanded, and he was shaking with anger. He wanted to kick Subaru´s butt to the curb so bad, and even break Ema over his knee because whatever they´d said or done, they´d hurt Louis down to his very core.
How did he know? The look in the soft mauve eyes he adored had told him all he needed to know.
"I didn't say anything," Subaru snapped, and he was back to fighting mode in no time.
"Don't give me that crap. Either you or the girlie did."
"Don't call her girlie!"
Kazuhiko was about to reply –and kill Ema in the process– but then he remembered Louis had more or less run away a little while ago and he was still there with the two worst persons in the world when he should have been going after Louis.
"Whatever. I´m getting Louis back," he muttered, and ran off in the direction the redhead had gone.
After exchanging glances, Subaru and Ema went after him.
.-'¨'-..-'¨'-..-'¨'-..-'¨'-..-'¨'-..-'¨'-..-'¨'-..-'¨'-..-'¨'-..-'¨'-..-'¨'-.
I wasn't loved because I wasn't enough.
Louis rubbed his face with both hands and leaned against the column inside the nearly empty train station. He tried to chase the thought away, he tried to forget, but he couldn't. Subaru´s words had ripped him open. If it had taken him almost a year to get over the fact he was adopted the first time he´d learned about it, he figured this time wouldn't be any different. Maybe it would go sooner, but in the end…
"What the heck do you think you´re doing?"
He jumped, then turned. Kazuhiko stopped running a few feet in front of him. His face was flushed, his breathing fast.
"Why are you here?" he answered, but he felt numb, not really aware of what he was saying.
Brown orbs glared at him. "I came to get you, of course."
"I told you I´m not going to go to your apartment."
"And where do you plan on going? Why did you come to the train station?"
Why was he there? It was a good question. He had a good answer.
"I want to get away for a little while, Kaz."
"… They said something to you, didn't they?" the brunette breathed.
"Maybe."
"No, don't 'maybe' me. If they hadn't you wouldn't be doing this." Kazuhiko moved forward, trapping the redhead against the pillar. "You´re not okay, are you?"
Louis found it hard to lie. "No."
"I´m sorry I didn't get there sooner. I had a bad feeling from the beginning but I know you have a limit when it comes to how much I coddle you, and…"
"Stop it. You don't have to apologize for anything."
Kazuhiko gave him a panicked look. "But you´re about to run away because of something those two idiots did or said. I can´t let you do that."
I wasn't loved because I wasn't enough.
"I need to run away, Kaz, as cowardly as it sounds." His voice came out empty. He was still feeling numb.
"It´s not cowardly!" The brunette took Louis´s hands between his own. He looked anguished. "Tell me what happened. I want to help you."
"You've already helped me enough."
"Stop saying that. I don't care if I helped you before. I want to help now."
"Then I´ll see you soon."
Kazuhiko let out a frustrated growl. "Louis, do you know what you´re saying?"
The latter gave it a thought, then nodded. "I need some time alone," he said, "but none of this is your fault, and I´m sorry you´re worried about me."
"Where are you going to go?"
"I don't know."
Silence.
Louis sighed, then retrieved his hands before wrapping them around the brunette´s neck.
I wasn't loved because I wasn't enough.
Did he really believe that? Did he believe Kazuhiko didn't love him, didn't he think enough of himself for Kazuhiko to love him?
No. He didn't doubt Kazuhiko´s love. He didn't doubt his own love for the brunette, and he did not doubt their relationship, but, and yet the queasy feeling in his gut, the terrible memories, it was all coming back on full force. He felt haunted, and he wanted to get rid of all those feelings on his own before he faced his boyfriend or his family again.
"Louis," Kazuhiko whispered his name, and the former didn't allow any more words. Their lips touched, and they kissed deeply, sweetly. Their mouths parted, their tongues teased each other, they clutched at each other.
When they separated, Louis let his hands fall to his sides.
"I need a little time alone and away from Tokyo, away from everything," he said.
"I don't want you to leave."
"I know, but I´ll be back soon."
Kazuhiko took a deep breath. "I´m not going to talk you out of this, am I?"
"No. I´m really sorry for all the trouble I´m causing you, but what Subaru said… I can´t deal with it while I´m around them, or you." He needed space, and peace.
The brunette looked both hurt and livid. "What did he say? I´ll kill him."
"You won´t. You´re not a yandere, remember?"
"But he…"
"Louis-nii!"
"Louis-san!"
The couple turned and saw Subaru and Ema making their way to where they were. Kazuhiko cursed under his breath.
"They followed me," he muttered.
Louis averted his eyes. "It doesn't matter. The train is coming anyway." And it was. It had to be less than a minute away from the station.
"You don't need to leave for who knows where, Louis."
"I do, at least for a little while, and I expect you to stay here in Tokyo and out of jail while I´m gone. Ryoko-san would never forgive me if you did something dumb because of something I did."
Translation: stop fussing over me, give me some breathing room and don't kill anyone while we´re apart.
Kazuhiko fisted his hands. Dammit all. If Louis was really going to leave and not even the man in question knew where to head…
"Call me, okay?" he said.
Louis shook his head. "It would defeat the whole purpose of my cowardly fleeing."
"I won´t be able to sleep if I don't know where you´ll be and when you´ll come back."
"I´ll be back soon, and I´ll return safe and sound. I promise."
The train stopped. Ema and Subaru were almost to them.
Louis picked up his suitcase and kicked himself internally. What he was doing was something cliché. He was acting like he was a character in a freaking manga, but he did need to flee until he´d patched up his own wounds, and until all thoughts had ceased to plague him.
With a deep breath, he waited until all the people had gotten out and went in.
"I love you. Don't forget it," Kazuhiko said so soft he almost missed it.
But he didn't, so he turned . "Thank you so much. I love you too," he said, and tried to smile but couldn't manage it. While most of him did believe the words another tiny part of his brain kept saying:
I wasn't loved because I wasn't enough.
He had to get over it.
.-'¨'-..-'¨'-..-'¨'-..-'¨'-..-'¨'-..-'¨'-..-'¨'-..-'¨'-..-'¨'-..-'¨'-..-'¨'-.
Kazuhiko didn't wait to see the train leave. As soon as he lost sight of Louis, he whirled and stomped out, fighting the urge to get on the train so the two of them could go together. He didn't because Louis had specifically said he wanted to go alone.
Oh, he so wanted to commit violence against those two idiots, who followed him back outside, bombarding him with the expected questions all the way back to the Sunrise residence.
What happened?
Where was Louis going?
Why had Louis left?
"Stop asking me stupid questions. Why don't you just screw each other to find out the answers to? You provoked this anyway, so it should be easy," he retorted, and the other two stopped cold in their tracks.
Kazuhiko gave them his best glare. At the moment, it was an excellent one given how he felt.
"Hey, Kazuo! Good to see you! Did you just arrive? I only saw you a few second ago," Hikaru cried in a cheerful tone as he came out of the building. He ignored Subaru and Ema and walked up to Kazuhiko, but hesitated when he felt the tense air. His smiled vanished. He looked around. "Is everything okay? Where is Louie-chan?"
The brunette didn't have enough manners left, so all he did was say, "Louis is, at the moment, on a train heading somewhere out of Tokyo."
The redhead looked confused. "Huh? Are you serious?"
"Dead serious." And boy, did he sound it.
"… What happened?"
"Why don't you ask those two?" Kazuhiko motioned to Subaru and Ema, glared at them again, then walked to his car. He had to leave now. He had to, because if he didn't he wouldn't be able to do what Louis had asked him to do, which was to stay out of trouble.
Let Subaru and Ema tell Hikaru what happened. Let the Asahinas deal with what a stupid girl´s crush had done.
Let them. Kazuhiko couldn't care less at the moment, and proved it by revving the engine and speeding away as fast as he could.
He tried driving to his apartment, but fast-forward twenty minutes and he was standing in Ryoko and Isao´s doorstep, waiting for his sister to open the door.
And then his phone beeped. For a split second he thought it was Louis, but it wasn't Louis. It was a text from, surprise… Masaomi.
Akiyama-san, please meet me at eight tonight.
There was an address below the message and that was it.
Kazuhiko nodded. He´d be there, no doubt about it.
To be continued…
Ta-da! So now the story has officially become a mix between a shoujo manga and a soap opera. *sigh* ;)