Sitting quietly in Izzie's room Alex lifted the end of her bed sheet and began massaging her feet. He wasn't sure if she liked it, it wasn't something he'd normally do but he'd seen someone else doing it for a patient and it seemed like a good idea. She responded well to the touch, her stats jumped just the slightest amount.
It had been almost two weeks now since she'd been admitted, ten days since she'd been put on the vent. So far it seemed to be working she'd been getting better, slowly her body was clearing the infection from her lungs. Now they were waiting for the results of her latest blood work and chest x-ray. If they were good enough they were going to take her off the sedatives and run a spontaneous breathing test, if she past they would try to take her off the vent.
Alex hoped she'd pass the test; he wanted her off the vent so bad. Having her off it would make everything between them so much easier, she'd be able to communicate with him and he wouldn't have to keep guessing what she'd like.
The door to the room opened and Dr. Bailey came in with one of the hospitals respiratory therapists. She was smiling that was a good sign, Bailey only smiled when there was good news.
"Her lungs are almost clear." Bailey said sticking the x-ray up for him to see. "The shadow at the bottom appears to be scaring but the infection is almost gone." She smiled at him pleased to be giving him good news. "We'll discontinue the sedatives now and when she's fully conscious we'll see about removing the vent."
"Okay," Alex nodded but he could feel the excitement building up inside him. It was really going to happen, she was going to be awake, he was going to be able to talk to her for the first time in ten days and with some luck she'd be talking to him by the end of the day too.
It took several hours for the sedatives to work their way out of her system. During that time Alex wouldn't leave her side, not even for a second, he didn't want to miss the moment she'd start to stir.
***
Her head felt full, cloudy, it was a feeling she was familiar with but it still felt foreign. She couldn't remember what had happened, why she felt like this, where she was. Around her she could hear voices talking but she couldn't follow the conversation it was just noise. Then she heard a click and felt air being forced into her lungs, felt a tube running down her throat and she panicked.
***
Her heart rate suddenly started climbing, it had been completely stable for days and now it was rising fast. She was starting to stir, and beginning to panic, quickly Alex stood up and moved to the head of bed.
***
She had to get it out, the tube she had to get it out, it wasn't meant to be there. Fear started running through her joined by a rush of adrenalin. She'd been completely paralyzed but now she could move, she could pull the tube out.
***
Her arm flew up and made a beeline for the tube. Alex grabbed her hands before she could reach it.
"Iz," he said beginning to talk to her.
***
Something was holding her, stopping her from moving, she tried to pull against it, she needed to get the tube out, if she could just get the tube out she'd feel better.
***
He wasn't expecting her to have the strength she did, her arms kept pulling and thrashing against his.
"Izzie this is Alex. You're at the hospital, you've been sick." He started telling her. "You need to calm down before you hurt yourself." She kept pushing against him. "You need to calm down." He kept his voice as level as possible he needed to sooth her, stop the panic which was running through her.
***
"It's going to be okay Iz, you're at the hospital, you need to calm down."
Through the fear a voice started breaking through, a voice she could never forget. Firm, level, and completely calm Alex was soothing her.
"Iz you need to relax, stop fighting." He was telling her and because it was Alex, she did what he said.
She used all her energy to calm herself down, to relax enough to allow this horrible machine to breath for her.
***
It was working, she was calming down. Alex could feel the resistance against him decreasing. He let go of one of her arms and stroked the side of her face. "That's it." He told her and then she opened her eyes.
Her big brown eyes stared up at him, he could see in them fear and confusion. She'd stopped fighting but that hadn't taken away those feelings.
***
It took a moment for her to focus, for her to see Alex clearly. He was smiling down at her, he looked relieved and happy but behind those feelings she could see fatigue and worry. She couldn't remember what had happened but she could tell by looking at him it was bad.
***
She was still scared, she wasn't fighting him but he could see it in her eyes and on her monitors, her heart was still racing. She tried to lift her arm again he knew what she wanted, she wanted to pull the tube out but it was too soon.
"Iz you need to stop." He told her trying to keep her calm. "Don't fight the machine. It's helping you. You've been very sick."
***
Slowly Alex started telling her what happened; he began telling her how sick she'd been and how important it was that she stayed calm. He gave her encouragement the longer she was able to do it.
"That's good Iz," He told her when she finally managed to sync her breathing with the machine. He ran his hand down the side of her face and kissed her forehead. "You're doing well." He reached down and clasped each of her hands in his. "You need to do what I tell you. Okay?"
She wanted to say yes but she couldn't, she tried to nod, but she wasn't sure if she did.
"I want you to squeeze both my hands." He looked straight at her as he said the words, his eyes did not leave hers. She understood what he said, what he wanted her to do, it was just getting her body to obey which was hard. She wanted to squeeze his hands, she knew she had to if she wanted the tube out, but it was hard. She hadn't moved in days and mustering the coordination needed, her body didn't want to cooperate.
"Iz, you need to do this for me." Alex started telling her again. "I need to know you understand me and can follow instructions."
She understood him. Every word he said she could hear and understand, communicating this was her problem. "Iz?" She wanted him to know and not knowing what else to do she blinked once, after a moment she blinked again twice.
Come on Alex work it out she kept thinking, he had to work it out.
***
She understood him, he could tell she understood him but without her communicating, without her following his instructions he couldn't know. He looked into her eyes and tried to think, he watched her blink, once, a moment later twice.
"Iz do you understand me?" He asked. He watched her blink twice, two strong purposeful blinks.
"Do you know where you are?" Two more blinks. She was trying to communicate with him, yes and no, she could do yes and no.
"Are you at home?" He had to ask a no question, make sure the blinks weren't just a reflex. She blinked once.
"Are you at the hospital?" Twice.
Alex smiled, she understood him, there was no doubt in his mind she understood him, they were communicating. He bent down and kissed her forehead again. "You're doing well." He told her again. "Just a little bit more." She blinked two more times, and his smiled widened.
"Do you know who I am?" Twice.
"Is my name Robert?" Once.
"Alex?" Twice.
"Are we married?" Once.
"Are we getting married?" Twice. His smile spread and he kissed her again, he squeezed down hard on her hands. It was going well.
***
Alex's smile was warm, it made her feel safe. "You're doing so well." Told her again. "You've past the first test." He looked away from her for a moment and turned to a person behind him, he gave them a nod and she heard them move. "We're going to change the settings on the vent now." He began explaining to her. "When we flick the switch it's going to stop breathing for you. You're going to have to breathe on your own. Do you understand?"
She understood, she blinked twice. "Good. Are you ready?" She blinked twice, she was ready, she'd been ready from the moment she'd woken. "Okay." Alex reached for the oxygen mask and placed it over her face then he nodded at the person behind him.
The machine was flicked over, it stopped filling her lungs with air and even though she knew it was going to happen, she wanted it to happen it felt sudden. "Just breathe Izzie." She heard Alex tell her. "You have to breathe."
She knew that, she knew she had to breathe but she wasn't, the reflex wasn't there, she had to think about it. Concentrating she began filling her lungs with air, it was hard, with the tube still down her throat it felt like she was breathing through a straw. After fifteen minutes she was exhausted and her lungs were screaming in pain. Her eyes were starting to water and she couldn't keep going.
***
Her monitor beeped, Alex glanced up at the screen and shook his head, her stats were starting to drop, she wasn't getting enough oxygen in. He shook his head, that wasn't what he wanted to happen.
"Iz, we have to stop." He told her, "You're not getting enough oxygen. We have to turn the vent back on."
***
His words didn't surprise her, she knew she was failing the test. She was in too much pain for it to be going right. "You've failed the test." He told her, unable to hide the sadness from his voice. "We'll try again tomorrow." She blinked twice her attempt at telling him it was okay, that she understood.
He lent forward and kissed her cheek and she felt the machine start working again. She felt her lungs fill with air and the oxygen begin traveling through her body.
"Tomorrow," she heard Alex mutter, "It'll work tomorrow." She tried to nod but he wasn't talking to her anymore just himself.