A Selfless Kind of Love
Part 25
He'd seen Hazel pass by, the red roses nestled in her arm. He'd kept well out of sight; he didn't want to give her the opportunity to ask him to go to Jackson's grave with her again. He hurt both of them when he said no.
So why couldn't he bring himself to go? What was stopping him? He wasn't angry at Jackson anymore, and if he was completely honest with himself that was what had stopped him going before. He'd been scared of what he'd do; afraid he'd lose it and rant at the earth that covered him or at the marble stone that held his name... the stone! Hazel had wanted him to help her choose one, help her with the wording. He'd said no, telling her she had better taste than him and that he was no good with words.
He felt a stab of guilt, then one of regret, like a knife first piecing then twisting in his gut. How could he have said no? How could he have not wanted to play some part in that?
It seemed once Jackson had been buried all he'd done was distance himself from any tangible reminder of him, yet he'd constantly immersed himself in memories of him. He didn't understand his actions and if he didn't how could anyone else, no wonder they'd all been so worried about him.
They were still worried about him, but they didn't need to be. He was seeing things clearly now, Craig had helped him rid his mind of the black fog. The misery it clouded him in had tainted everything, his every waking moment. But he could smile now without forcing it; he could laugh and not hate himself for feeling happy. He actually wanted to live and see life, not hide from it. He was coming alive again, feeling something else other than pain, he was wanting to let all the heartache go. But he knew he'd never be able to do that unless he faced what he was so desperately avoiding.
He'd told Paddy he needed time, well that was just an excuse, well it was where the nightmares were concerned. As for Dale Head, no, he wasn't ready to face the memories that place held.
He didn't know what do about the nightmares. He kept hoping each one would be the last, but no, and they plagued him almost every night now. Maybe they were caused by guilt, for him not visiting Jackson's grave? Maybe walking through the churchyard gates would stop him seeing them in his dreams; maybe it would stop him having that nightmare over and over again. He didn't want Craig to witness another one; he didn't want him hearing him calling out for Jackson again.
He looked around him for his uncle, but Cain was nowhere to be seen so he just downed tools and made his way over to the road. Knowing if he didn't do this now he probably never would.
Just a few minutes later he was standing by the entrance to the churchyard, the gates were open just like they'd been in last night's nightmare. Was that some kind of sign? Was that meant to encourage him in?
He forced his feet forward; there was no turning around now.
He could hear birdsong, and the wind whispering through the trees. Leaves rustled beneath his feet, his every step cushioned by a carpet of countless shades of gold.
It was so peaceful here; he was surrounded by a reassuring sense of calm. All his unease, his uncertainty had now disappeared.
He might not have been here since the day of the funeral but he hadn't forgotten where he'd stood on trembling legs and silently promised Jackson to always love him.
It was just off to the left, in a secluded corner, beneath the sprawling limbs of an aging yew tree.
Hazel had looked surprised to see him on her doorstep; and she looked shocked to see him here. But she recovered quickly, greeting him with a warm smile. As he'd stood beside her, she'd tucked her arm in his, chattering on about anything and everything before cautiously bringing Jackson into the one sided conversation. He felt the knife twist in his gut again, more guilt, more regret. Hazel was expecting him to walk away at any minute, but he wasn't going to, not this time.
Talking came so easily to some people, it certainly did for Hazel. But she wasn't making aimless chitchat now, and her voice had taken on a calm reassuring tone. He was listening intently, her words were slowly sinking in, they were slowly being absorbed, reaching a part of him that up until now had been deliberately closed off
Then suddenly she was gone, leaving him alone with his thoughts, and with a new understanding.
He couldn't take his eyes off the headstone, off its gold lettering, off the sentiment it expressed so boldly. He felt emotions stir inside and gently seep through his defences... "I miss you." The words slipped so easily off his lips, spilling out as effortlessly as the tears now falling from his eyes.
"I miss you so much." He knew Jackson wasn't here, not the Jackson he loved but Hazel had said it helped having something to focus on, something solid to relate to. He understood that now.
"I just wanted you to know that, and that I love you, that I always will." There was so much more he needed to say but not now. He'd said the words he'd been so longing to say, that he'd been physically aching to say out loud. He didn't want to say something that might lessen their worth. He'd come back tomorrow.
TBC