Fresh Scars
Analise was lying on her side pretending to be asleep. She could hear Spencer's watch ticking as he sat on the chair next to the bed. She didn't know what to say. She didn't want to say anything. As soon as the blood poured from the deep cut she regretted it. She could still feel through the bandages at least she knew she could feel. That's what had pushed her to it. She didn't feel. Sat in the room alone that night she felt nothing. It scared her. The feeling of utter emptiness, not pain or guilt over the lives lost. Just nothing. Only the cold water and the blade.
Spencer knew she was awake. He had read a study on breathing and knew it would be allot shallower if she was asleep. He didn't care; she would talk when she was ready. The events of last night ran over and over in his head. It was morning now and Spencer had refused the hospital breakfast the nurses had tried to feed him, he felt sick. Pulling at the skin on his hand he was horrified that the blood would reappear. He knew it wouldn't but it still frightened him. The hospital had called the office for him. Hotch would know by now what had happened, Spencer hoped he would keep it to himself. The last thing Ana needed right now was a room full of questions. Those could be faced later. She would never know but Spencer knew how she was feeling. He remembered talking to Gideon about the hardships of their jobs. That's what Ana need right now, someone to remind her that it was okay to feel something. It when you felt nothing you had to worry. But he didn't realise last night she had felt just that. Nothing.
Knowing she couldn't lay there any longer Analise turned eyes staring at the grey ceiling. Spencer sat, still. They had so much to say but no words would do. Staying in silence neither wanted to speak. Spencer was angry, he knew he shouldn't be, she was sick but he just couldn't understand why. Was she that unhappy? These were the things he could never say. They were selfish and wrong, but they were still there. He looked down at his shaking hands as a silent tear fell down her freckled cheek. Slowly standing Analise walked over to the chair placing her hand on the quivering man. She curled herself into his lap head resting on his chest. Spencer fought back tears as his fingers ran over the bandages not wanted to see the fresh scars underneath. His chest rose and fell as she listened to his heart beat. The silence was welcome not needing to be broken. Closing his eyes Spencer rested his head on hers raping his arms round her, holding her closer. He felt her tears against his shirt. They stayed like this, quiet and still listening to each other's rhythmic breathing. His eyes still closed Spencer kissed the top of Analise's head. She was still perfect. 'Spencer – I'm sorry – I' Her voice broke causing more tears to fall. 'Shhh' His voice was soft as he lifted her chin to face him. Her eyes were red as fresh tears tumbled down from her eyes. Scanning her face he counted 174 freckles, just the same. His thumb wiped away the trails the tears had left before kissing her forehead again. Their heads rested together welcome silence falling again. 'Don't every say you're sorry.' His voice was calming. Ana allowed herself to let another tear spill from her eyes.