Chapter 25 - Cry
A/N: Thank you all for being patient while I tried to rewrite Age of Ultron and then gave up. Here is your reward for your support of this story. I put more effort into this than any other story that I write and I hope that it shows. This chapter is based on the song of the same name by Alexx Calise (it was performed to on Dance Moms by Maddie and later Mackenzie (I preferred Mackenzie's version). Just a little trivia for those who haven't heard the song before). I believe that it really suits Natasha and what she might have been dealing with when Bruce as the Hulk left her. Enjoy :-)
Natasha walked into her room at headquarters after another long day.
Steve had been trying to keep her busy for the last few months with training up the new Avengers so that she would be too exhausted by the end of the day to be left with her thoughts. Thoughts of the man that she had not stopped loving, even though he had left her feeling more alone than ever.
Unfortunately for his plan Natasha had been working for Fury all day and that meant she spent a lot of time in her head. Especially considering that she had been working on her own all day.
Fury had tasked Natasha with updating their employee files. He wanted all of her notes to be handwritten. He was paranoid about being hacked and had built a kind of vault to store documents in, similar to what you would see at a bank only stronger. It required handprint recognition, retina recognition, for the person to handwrite their signature, and voice recognition. He had enlisted Tony to help build it which ensured that it could not be hacked or tricked. The only people who had access were Natasha and Fury. Fury was determined not to have another breach in security and he trusted Natasha more than anyone else, she had never proven to him that she was untrustworthy, and she always put her team before herself.
So Natasha had spent the day in the vault sitting at a desk updating files, mostly those of the original Avengers. Basically listing their current whereabouts and whether or not they would be accessible if they were needed at any point in the future. She had been careful with Clint's file to write down the false address that they had come up with to ensure that his family wouldn't be found, just in case Fury's security measures for some reason failed.
Of course then she had come across Bruce's file.
That had been difficult.
There was nothing that she could write in it.
They didn't know where he was, he was untraceable.
They also didn't know if he wanted to be found or to be apart of the Avengers initiative so she couldn't write if he was available in the future if they needed him.
Natasha let out a deep shuddering breath that she hadn't realised that she had been holding in.
Her breathing was shaky and causing her to tremble.
Bruce's file was the last file that she had worked on today and it was affecting her more than she wanted to admit.
Natasha slowly slid down the back of her door as tears began to fill her eyes.
For the first time since he shut off the communications system in the quinjet Natasha realised that Bruce wasn't coming back.
For months Natasha had hoped that maybe just maybe he would miss her as much as she misses him and he would return to her.
For months Natasha had convinced herself that Bruce still cared about her.
Natasha spent months trying not to be hurt by his decision.
Natasha spent months trying to convince herself that she did the right thing by pushing Bruce into the abyss.
The months following that Natasha accepted that she had made a mistake by forcing Bruce to change to the Hulk.
After a long call with Clint only a few nights ago Natasha had been trying to convince herself that her actions saved countless lives.
After talking to Laura that same night Natasha was trying to accept that Bruce still loved her, he was just hurt by her actions.
Natasha never mentioned Bruce to anyone except Clint and Laura and no one mentioned him to her. Everyone that worked with Natasha could see that Bruce's absence was killing her whether she could admit it or not. They never questioned her about it. It was as if the mentioning of Bruce's name was taboo. No one knew for sure what happened from the moment that Bruce had found Natasha and no one spoke about that day. Any talk of Sokovia revolved around the rescue and not the destruction.
Natasha felt the tears start to stream down her cheeks, her breaths coming out as strangled sobs.
The weight of the past months finally coming down on her.
"How could he leave me? I thought he loved me. We were going to run away together. We were going to get another chance at a normal life. We were going to get to live in harmony with regular people. He was going to show me the world, all of the places that he had managed to stay in control in over the years. We were going to be together," Natasha sobbed.
Her heart was breaking with each word, each thought, each breath.
Natasha clutched at her heart allowing the sobs to wreak havoc on her body.
The tears fell faster as Natasha remembered the look of hurt and shock on Bruce's face when she forced him into that hole.
Natasha thought about their kiss and how it had meant everything to her to be able to kiss Bruce again and show him how much she truly adored and loved him.
It was a tainted memory now though. She had ruined it the moment she forced the man that she loved to become the thing that he feared.
Natasha didn't know how long she sat there allowing herself relief from months of self loathing and mental torture.
It was her fault that he was gone.
It was her fault that he wasn't coming back.
It was entirely her own fault that Bruce had left her behind.
She had broken his heart just as he had broken her heart.
When the tears and sobs ended Natasha forced herself to her feet.
She went over to her bed and sat on the floor beside it, pulling a shoebox out from under her bed.
Natasha opened the box to reveal photos of her and Bruce together and letters from Bruce. Memories of how things were before he left her the first time.
The more that Natasha thought about it, as she looked through her treasured memories, the more she realised that nothing had been the same since Bruce left her the first time.
Things hadn't been right between them in so long that Natasha couldn't blame Bruce for actually giving up on her this time. She had pushed him too far and now she was paying the price for it.
"I'm so sorry Bruce. I will spend forever trying to make it up to you. I will spend forever trying to find you to apologise properly. I really hope that you're okay. I love you," Natasha whispered, looking at a picture of her and Bruce cuddling on the couch in the old Avengers tower.
They were happy in that photo and Natasha was determined to get them back to that place.
Natasha's heart was broken but her spirit was still strong.
Somewhere far away Bruce was looking at the same photo wondering what had gone so wrong for them to go from that happy, loving couple to the separated couple that they now were.
A/N: This chapter was about Natasha trying to come to terms with Bruce absence. I'll be writing the next chapter about Bruce trying to come to terms with his decision to leave again.