HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE :D. I hope you had a great time with your loved ones! Here's the first chapter of 2016! Isn't it exciiiiting? :D. Thanks for reading, commenting, following me here and on facebook... Seriously, you rock!
Some of you noticed the new art cover for this story... I'd like to thank Cester Illustration for letting me use her fantastic work... And for being my wine buddy too :D. (If you read this... I send love).
"You're going to think me foolish."
Will looked at her with that expression that said 'if you're foolish, then I just lost faith in the human race.", so Helen went on, her hands gripping her teacup to keep them from shaking.
"I've had a lot of time to reflect on my life choices. I'd wake up every morning knowing exactly what would happen that day to my younger self and more broadly, to the world. I was a witness to my own life, watching it unfold according to a pattern of causes and consequences I had never had time to analyze before. Through the pain of it all, I saw the experience as an opportunity to prepare for a new kind of life."
She had not told anyone about the personal aspects of her time travel experience. Most of what she had lived through was somewhat obvious to imagine, therefore no one had dared ask her about any of it. Asking about the construction and organization of the underground sanctuary network was already enough of a torture.
Will nodded. Up to then, Magnus made complete sense to him, and she didn't need to hear his assent to go on. Actually, she felt she would stop and retract herself like a snail in its shell if she stopped talking more time than necessary for breathing.
"I resolved to stop avoiding the shadows living in my heart and take a hold of my personal life once I'd be back to my normal time-line. The resolution didn't make things easier, as I'm sure you imagine." She focused on the tea residues glued to the bottom of her mug, lost somewhere down Memory Lane. "I was surrounded by people, and yet I was awfully lonely. I would sometimes catch a glimpse of some old friend I had buried long before, in a crowded street or in a restaurant and be unable to go and greet them to hear their voices once again. I've relived the death of dear friends who died of illnesses I could have cured in no time, yet I had to stand and watch from afar. After killing Adam, I followed James' advice and left London, not knowing if I would ever get to see him ever again –" She trailed off. She couldn't tell Will. She couldn't tell anyone what it had felt like.
"You often wonder what you'd say to a deceased relative if you were given a last moment together, don't you?" She concluded.
Her gaze met Will's and they shared their first moment of deep and wordless understanding of each other in a long time. His mother. He still had a lot to say to his mother. A lonely tear ran down Helen's face, following the crease of her nose, and she caught it with her bottom lip when it touched the skin of her upper one. Her farewell to James had been one of the worst things she had been through. There had been many things she had wanted to tell him, but none of them could have safely crossed her lips in 1889. So she had leaned on him, using his body as a life buoy against the ocean of her unshed tears, trying and probably failing to hide how shaken she was to have to leave him without being able to open up and speak the same words she had pointlessly rehearsed on his grave. She had swallowed hard when he had kissed her brow - both their first and last kiss, depending on the point of view.
The simple and barely audible thank you she had let out at the time covered more than a hundred and thirty years of gratitude. He would understand, much later, in the ruins of the lost city of Bhallassam, wishing she'd stop crying. He didn't want to take this last image to his grave – he had so many beautiful sights of her to chose from...
Helen closed her eyes and another memory flooded her mind.
"Good Lord, I even played the part of my younger self to get Nikola to help me in 1902. I 'wined and dined' him. I craved the company and innocent, careless chat so much that I had to fight the urge to confess and implore him to join me on my mission." She admitted.
"But kidnapping the man who invented the twentieth century would have had a huge impact on the time-line." Will concluded gently.
Helen was surprised to notice the lack of bitterness or mockery that usually inhabited Will's tone of voice when talking about Tesla, and she felt grateful for that.
She nodded. How many times had she dreamed of throwing away her principles to tell him everything, future be damned? Hundreds. Hundreds of thousands. She had cried herself to sleep each time she had had to lie to Nikola to achieve her goal.
"I had a lot of time to rethink my life. A way to hold on was to escape inside of my own imagination..." Once again, she stopped. She was now sure Will would think she was being ridiculous.
"You created your own version of what 2012 and the years after would be like, a kind of movie to keep you going. And it turns out to be very different from what you've always imagined it would be." He summarized.
Helen looked like the deer in the headlights. That was exactly what she had done. Her heart skipped a few beats when the stupid feeling that he could see her 'movie' invaded her mind, and it took her a few seconds to get her heartbeat back down to normal. Will was perceptive, but he couldn't read minds.
Yes, she had imagined herself attending Kate's wedding, glaring at a smirking Nikola in reaction to a dubious comment about exchanging vows. She had also imagined Ashley testing the new weapons she had acquired thanks to the Praxians. Oh Ashley... She had never been happier to imagine the shenanigans she would drag Henry and herself into. She would get to drink her old friend's awful tea without any kind of complaint and let Will know she couldn't be prouder of him. She would have to find a way to make him stay knowing Nikola would probably move in with them full time. She would hire Abby if he asked for it. Everything was written down neatly in a corner of her mind. There was no way she could go into hiding underground without Nikola; he was supposed to be dead too, after all.
"This child doesn't exactly fit in the picture. Not now, at least." Helen explained.
Oh no. The little munchkin had chosen the worst moment to sneak in unannounced. It was barely the size of an avocado and yet it was a real bomb.
"You haven't imagined it because you thought you couldn't conceive anymore, and you focused on saving Ashley. But does it mean this baby doesn't fit in your life?"
Will almost regretted his sudden bravado. They had made some progress already, but he had to be cautious and take it slowly. He thought she would withdraw into herself, so he was surprised when she closed her eyes, finally putting her mug down on the coffee table to take her head in her hands instead, as if to try and order her thoughts.
"I'm not ready. I'm still mourning two of my old friends. I've recently faked my death and I still have to get used to this status. Some of the abnormals I evacuated before the explosion have troubles adapting to their new home, and the other heads of houses are completely lost when it comes to work with technologies they have never seen before; so they are constantly consulting me whereas I was careful to hire specialists born and raised in Praxis." Helen stopped abruptly when she realized she was nearly yelling. It all made her angry as hell. She had worked very hard for a hundred and thirteen years to create those infrastructures and plan for her independence, and no one would let her rest before everything was working fine. She sighed and threw an apologetic glance at Will who smiled shyly. He knew she was going through difficult times with the other sanctuaries, and he was doing his best to manage theirs with Declan while she was solving the diplomatic and organizational problems. How glad he was that she had survived! Managing one sanctuary was enough. He'd gladly give up on being the head of the network if she ever died and left him in charge.
"Why don't you send Tesla on a lecture tour of the sanctuaries? Or ask him to take care of answering questions dealing with Praxian tec?" He suggested earnestly.
He knew instantly he had put his finger on something when she lowered her gaze, clearly avoiding his.
"I can't send him away now. We've got too much work on our hands here and Henry is nearly as lost as the others." She said bluntly.
She was not lying. She needed Nikola here to make sure everything was under control.
"That's not the only reason you're keeping him around, is it?" Will stated, sensing there was more to it.
He was far from stupid. Something had clearly happened between Magnus and Tesla and neither of them knew how to cope with it and go forward.
Helen breathed in deeply. She would probably have to tell Will about everything, so she figured she could start gradually.
"Nikola and I have never been gifted with words when it comes to settling our disagreements." She paused and looked at her protégé. She finished her thought when it was clear he was not getting it. "One way to avoid confrontation is to flee. Sending him on a tour would be like holding the door for him."
Now they were getting somewhere.
"It's been about four months since he moved in. He's still here, but I can count on the fingers of one hand the times I've seen you in the same room not arguing. And by arguing, I also mean glaring silently at or even properly ignoring each other. There's got to be more to it than the impact of your faked death. I just don't buy it."
How could someone as young as Will understand any of it? They had known each other for way more than a century, even two if she counted her side of the story. They were the last of the Five – the last of their era, they needed the other to protect what remained of their sanity. She was his center of gravity, and him, hers.
"James died four years ago now, and John is probably dead too. Nikola and I are the only one of the Five to still be alive. Making him watch my faked death and believe it for two months was a cruel thing to do." She paused, sighing. "But you are right. He guessed I had lied to him in 1902, and he confronted me about it shortly before I destroyed the sanctuary. Yet, I didn't let him in on my plan. He gave me one chance of coming clean and I didn't take it. He thinks I don't trust him." She explained with a sad smile.
"He is a genius. But trustworthy? Come on." Will rolled his eyes.
Helen resisted the urge to snap, and let an amused smile creep up on her lips. Of course it sounded funny to imagine she could trust the sneaky vampire.
"We all know he can be a constant pain in the neck. But he has always been on my side. Despite his hidden agenda." She reminded him softly.
"What exactly are you saying?"
"I'm saying that I trust him with my life. But I had to do this alone. It took me a hundred and thirteen years to plan all of this. I couldn't let anyone in just a few days before the end. I buried my loneliness with the explosion, it was symbolical for me – the end of seclusion."
"You trust him with you life, but you question his ability to become a good parent." Will noted.
Helen sighed, biting her lip, eyes closed. The cat was out of the bag. She was both afraid the rumors would reach Nikola's ears before she could tell him herself and relieved that her protégé had done the math on his own.
When she looked at him again, he shrugged.
"You said you were sixteen weeks into your pregnancy, and Tesla arrived here sixteen weeks ago. I guess the warm welcome was not on the agenda. It made a mess of things that were already messy and now that you know you're pregnant, you are afraid it's going to be even harder to deal with the situation."
It was a simple observation, really. And it tore Helen's heart to detect that, just as James had always done, Will was not passing any kind of judgment. She closed her eyes. It didn't mean Will approved of the situation.
"Yes." She sighed. "You'd think I'd be wiser in my old age." She half-joked, feeling the bitterness of it fill her mouth in the same places Nikola's tongue had visited four months before, kissing her senseless against the wall of a tunnel in the midst of their desperation.
Her young friend leaned in, catching one of her hands in his, kindness radiating off him in a way she had rarely felt before.
"What I think is not important. You deserve to have someone in your life and if you feel that Tesla is able to stand by you, then I'll assume you know what you're doing." He said, softly running his thumb on the back of her hand.
She smiled earnestly, moved by Will's support.
"I have no idea what I'm doing." She confessed, chuckling uneasily, tears invading her eyes once again.
"Magnus, we never really talked about this, but do you believe in fate?"
She chewed on her lip. Before following Adam into the breach back to 1889, she would have said no. But history had repeated itself regardless of what she had done or not done, making it obvious she was only a pawn in the vast game of chess played by the galaxy. What happened once in the past is deemed to repeat itself insatiably. Strange how this rule applied to herself and Nikola... How they collided every once and again like a comet crossing the path of a planet every few decades.
She didn't have the opportunity to answer Will's question though, as her cellphone rung, announcing the security systems had detected some unusual activity in the protocols. She apologized and took the phone out of her pocket. When she saw that one of the biometric scans had recognized a certain Archibald, she jumped to her feet, feeling as if her heart was about to rip her thoracic cage to fall to the ground, fed up with her exacerbated sensitivity.
"What is it?" Will ask, mimicking her movement, preparing for an emergency.
"Jolly good news, I hope." Helen answered, wishing to God she was right. "I'm sorry Will, I'm afraid that will be all for today."
With that, she stormed out of the office, leaving her friend to wonder what was so important.
Did I just add a new mystery? Hmm... Oh yeah, you bet your arse.