Just A Dream
A/N: Once I get some feedback I'll upload the next chapter
As always, enjoy!
Something was penetrating the fog in his mind, he was hoping that whatever was happening was over.
"Nick! Wake up please. Just wake up" he heard banging then and didn't know what was happening. When had he fallen asleep. How could he fall asleep while they were doing that to him? Why did Jeff sound panicked?
Suddenly his eyes flew open, revealing that he was in his dorm, in his bed, with Jeff shaking him. He blinked. It had been a nightmare. It was just a nightmare. He was fine. He was in his bed. The banging continued and he could hear worried voices on the other side of the door. Had they heard Jeff? Or had he made noise?
"Nick breath okay? Just breath, in and out, your okay, I'm here" Jeff was holding him to his chest and Nick couldn't breath, he needed to get out, he needed to get away from this, he knew he couldn't run out again, and the bathroom door didn't have a lock. He was trapped again, just like he had been that night. He started to push Jeff away, panicked and the older boy fell to the ground, he rubbed his elbow groaning but didn't reach for Nick again.
Nick didn't register Jeff going to the door or the talking, all he could think about what how sick he felt, and how his skin wanted to crawl off of him. He looked up and suddenly there was so many worried faces on him. His stomach churned. This wasn't helping Jeff, he was just making it so much worse, like he made everything.
He ran to the bathroom and hurled himself on the floor, the little amount of food he had kept down earlier leaving him. He felt a soothing hand on his back and he flinched away, shoving himself into a corner and making himself as small as he possibly could. He held his knees to his chest and buried his face in them, his forehead resting on his knees. He could hear muffled voices but he was ignoring them, trying to force his breathing to calm down.
He didn't realise that he was biting his lip until he tasted the metallic taste in his mouth, that mixing with the taste of vomit made his stomach churn unhappily again. He felt a hand on his shoulder and he threw himself back again, trying in desperation to make himself invisible. He was already backed into a corner though, he had nowhere else to go. Nowhere felt safe anymore and he realised too late that he had put himself into this position. It wasn't good to give predators a way to corner you in like this.
"Nick, its just me, its just the nurse okay? Can you take deep breaths for me? As deep as you can" He did as we was instructed, wanting the sensations in his body to go away like they had when Jeff had attacked him. "Good, just like that. Nice and deep"
"Someone get me some water" She removed her hand for a second but then it was back, rubbing circles on his skin "Your doing great sweetheart, just keep breathing like that and when your ready I want you to lift your head okay?" Nick didn't acknowledge that she had asked him a question.
"Do you think you could drink some water?" His throat felt raw from earlier and the vomiting now had just made it worse. He nodded but kept his head firmly planted on his knees, not wanting to look his friends in the eyes. They had seen him a mess for the third time today. They had seen how weak he was. They wouldn't want to be his friends anymore, they'd say he was too weak and small and that they didn't want to be friends with a girly fag like him. They'd do what everyone else did, they'd push him away, they'd make him leave like his parents had or they'd hate him like everyone else did.
His breathing was shuddering again as a sob tried to escape his chest. He was so pathetic. he took a deep, shaky breath. What was the point anymore? They had all seen him vulnerable and exposed. They'd hate him whether he sobbed or not. He felt his whole body begin to shake as his eyes stung. He wasn't going to cry. He wasn't.
"Sweetheart you need to listen to me okay? Just listen to the sound of my voice. Your okay, nobody here is going to let anything happen to you. Do you know where you are? Your on your bathroom floor at Dalton. Your safe here" Nick wasn't safe anywhere, not anymore. "Your friends are here honey, and Mr Harris is on his way, he's your guidance counsellor remember?" She moved here hands to his wrists. "I need to check to make sure you haven't hurt yourself okay? I'm just going to pull your wrists away from your legs so that I can check them and then you can put them right back" She pulled his wrists and checked them over, she ran her fingers over the bruising and chafing from before but didn't find anything else.
"Okay, good there's nothing there. Have you hurt yourself somewhere else sweetie? Or have you taken something?" Nick shook his head and the nurse released a breath.
"Good, keep working on breathing okay?" She turned to Jeff "What happened? What set him off?"
"I don't know he was asleep, one minute he was fine and the next he was pushing and kicking and screaming bloody murder, I tried to wake him up but he wouldn't and then when he finally did, he freaked out and bolted for the bathroom and got sick again" She nodded. There was a tense few minutes after that, half dressed teenage boys shuffling unsure of what to do to help but not wanting to leave their friend. Jeff and Trent were both on the floor beside the nurse, neither risking touching Nick or making a sound. Everyone else stood around, looking desperately at the situation in front of them. Nick tried to tune them out but snippets of the conversation made there way past the fog and into his brain.
"Maybe we should call an ambulance again" He shot up at that, using the wall behind him to support himself.
"No!" He looked around frantically, taking in his surroundings for the first time. Most of the faces that stood there had been in his nightmare but none of them had the same look, he was met with looks of concern instead of the sneers he had been met with before.
He slid back down the wall and took a deep breath. He didn't rest his head against his knees again, instead leaning it against the bathroom wall. Maybe if they saw he was trying to calm down they'd let him be.
Mr. Harris arrived then, in sweatpants and a t-shirt looking like he had just woken up. Nick looked up at him, seeing the grey fabric cling to his body and he felt sick again. Thats how Jeff was able to rape him, he'd been wearing sweatpants, if he had his uniform on there would have been more layers to get through, it would have given him more time to fight. The garment just brought back the memories of Jeff attacking him and he had to push Trent out of the way to get to the toilet in time for him to vomit again. The bathroom was small and with all 5 of them in it it was cramped. Especially with Wes, David and Hunter standing in the doorway looking down at him. He continued to gag even though there was nothing in his stomach to come up.
Suddenly he could feel Jeff's cum leaking out of him again, he could feel the rough material of the tie on his wrists. All the sensations and feelings he been ignoring and blocking came to the forefront of his mind and he couldn't stop the sob that wracked through his entire body. He hadn't wanted it, no matter what Jeff had said, he didn't want it and he didn't want this. He didn't want his friends staring at him, he didn't want to have to wake the nurse up twice in one night because he was a little bitch who couldn't handle a nightmare. He didn't want the hand that was caressing his back to be there. He just wanted to be left alone, to calm himself down so that he could be there for Jeff. That was what he needed to do.
He was dizzy and exhausted again and he couldn't think straight. He heard the talking again and he tried to focus on what was being said.
"I know Nurse Washington said that you don't want us to call an ambulance but your getting sick Nick, and your shaking, we need to make sure your okay, they'll be able to help. And we'll have to call your parents"
Nicks head snapped up to look at the councillor. "No! My dad will kill me if he has to come down here!" The nurse looked concerned again and it was then that he remembered she had spoken to him earlier.
"What did you tell him earlier? He said we needed to talk about something you said" He was panicking again, but this time for a whole different reason.
"I just told him about the tests, your a minor, I had a legal obligation" He stared at her, face pale. She had told him about the STD check. Which means he knew that Nick had sex, with a boy, and hadn't used a condom. Now his dad knew that the people from his old school were right, that he was a slut and a whore. What would he do? Was he going to make him leave Dalton? He already didn't like that it was an all boys school, he had told his mother it would just make him more of a fag, but the fact that it had an enforced zero tolerance bullying policy and that it was a boarding school had won him over. Nick's parent had all the money they could ever need but they weren't going to waste it on their fag of a son if they didn't have to. Especially not if he was just at the school to get fucked.
"We need to call them Nick, whatever's going on, they need to know" He thought of his options and decided on the lesser of the two evils.
"Call my brother, he's a guardian" Mr Harris didn't look happy but nodded "I'm going to do that now and if your not calmed down when I get back I'm calling an ambulance". Nicks legs gave out then and he fell to the ground, burying his head in his hands. He couldn't calm himself while all those eyes were on him, he needed to pretend they weren't there.
It took him a few minutes but eventually his breathing was back to normal and the dizziness and nausea had passed slightly. His eyes were still prickling with unshed tears but he felt a little better.
"I know your concerned boys, but now that Nick's well enough to talk I'm going to have to ask you all to leave" He looked pointedly at Jeff and Trent "And that means all of you" Jeff glanced to him but got up without a word.
"We're right out here if you need us Nick" David smiled at him before leaving.
There was another tense silence before Mr Harris broke the silence. "Do you know what caused what happened?" Nick shook his head but decided to speak.
"I had a nightmare" That wasn't a lie, ha had, he just didn't want to tell them it was because of Jeff.
"About what?" Shit.
"About a monster" That wasn't a lie either, Jeff had been a monster in his nightmare.
"What type of monster?" He was still on the floor and he rubbed his wrists absentmindedly, he didn't miss Mr. Harris looking at them. He stopped self consciously.
"Just a monster" He needed to get out of this conversation, he didn't want to mess this up, he couldn't do that to Jeff
"Was it a monster that did that too?" He pointed to Nicks wrist and he shook his head.
"No that was my bo- That was Jeff" He caught himself, not ready to call Jeff his boyfriend, even if thats what others were calling him.
"Why did Jeff do it?" He was looking at Nick concerned still and Nick knew this conversation was the same as the one he had in the hospital.
"Because we got carried away" Mr Harris eyes were boring into him now.
"Carried away doing what?" Nick flinched.
"Having…Doing stuff" He didn't want to say that they were having sex, because they didn't, Jeff had raped him, but he couldn't say that to Mr Harris.
"Were you having sex?" Nick flinched again but nodded and the councillor continued. "Did you want to have sex with him?" Nick hesitated then but took a breath and continued.
"I do" That still wasn't a lie.
"But did you when it happened? Did he ask you if you wanted to" Nick figured he could tell the truth a little here, he could say that he hadn't asked. That wouldn't be too bad, that wasn't rape, because he wasn't going to say that he had said no.
"No, he didn't"
"Okay, did you let him do it?" Nick nodded. "Did you want him to?" He stayed silent, not sure what to do. He was going to have to lie, and he didn't want to do that. He didn't want to get Jeff in trouble. He felt sick saying yes, it felt like he was admitting it to himself, not just other people. Other people didn't matter, but admitting it to himself felt so wrong. He gulped and nodded. Mr Harris nodded too.
"Okay good, I know doing that with someone can be scary, especially if it was your first time but if you ever need to talk about it- or anything else- my door is always open. Even if your worried you'll get in trouble or I'll be upset, I won't. I'm just here to make sure that your okay and that you have someone to talk to if you need to. I know you had a hard time before you came here, and that it made you do things to yourself when you got here, but we worked through that and I know that whatever is going on can be worked through too, your so strong Nick, you can get through anything when you put your mind to it" He finished his little speech and then nodded affirmatively.
"Are you okay now?" He nodded at the nurse who spoke for the first time.
"And don't forget what the doctor said, about always using protection. I'm not going to lecture you right now but you need to use them every time. And if you ever need to talk about protection or your sexual wellbeing the medical centre is always open" The nurse smiled sweetly and he nodded again, mortified at what was being said.
"So now that all of that is out of the way, your brother is going to come down tomorrow to check in with you, and Nurse Washington is going to make an appointment with the doctor so you can talk through the panic attacks and how you've been feeling. I'm going to write you out as sick on Monday and I want you to go to the medical centre in the morning okay? She's going to check that your okay and eating" Nick nodded again, still staying silent. He really didn't have anything to add and was just glad that they seemed to be finishing up and leaving.
"Do you want to come to the medical centre for the rest of the night? You can sleep there in case something happens again and I can keep an eye on you" He nodded, grateful for the chance to get away from Jeff and the bedroom. He hadn't expected her to ask but he was glad she had. He just needed to sleep and then eat in the morning and he'd be fine. He'd feel better. He shakily got to his feet and took a breath.
"Good" She smiled brightly at him "Do you need help walking?" He took a hesitant step forward, swayed a little but didn't fall. He figured that was a good sign.
"I'm okay" She nodded "I just need to brush my teeth again"
"Okay, I'll go out and tell your friends whats happening while you do that and then I'll be back and we can walk down together." Mr Harris moved to stand but didn't leave as Nick made quick work of getting the taste of vomit out of his mouth. He wondered if they didn't want to leave him alone in case he did something.
She returned, this time with Jeff in tow. Nick watched in the mirror as Jeff hesitantly walked over to him, he didn't touch him but he was so close he may as well have been. He didn't miss the look Mr Harris and the nurse shared.
"The nurse said your going to sleep downstairs tonight?" He nodded not trusting his own voice around Jeff right now. "Do you want me to come down with you? She said it was alright if you wanted me to" Nick panicked slightly again and turned to face him
"No, thats okay. You stay here, theres no point in us both having to sleep down there" Jeff didn't look happy but nodded anyway.
"I'll come down in the morning to see if your able to go to breakfast with the guys, they're all gone to bed, Trent said that he knew you wouldn't want them all standing around staring at you." Nick nodded relieved that Trent knew him so well, he knew that either way he would have to go to calm his friends.
He followed the nurse to the medical centre and fell into another fitful sleep, none of his nightmares being quite as bad as when he had been in his dorm with Jeff. He was glad that the medical centre was in his dorm block and not the main building, he wasn't sure he could have handled walking so far.