*** Lunch...right. Mary really should learn from those times she's jumped in with both feet and it turned out terrible! Jinx is still a piece of work. Marshall, of course, is Marshall :) ***

"The desire of the man is for the woman, but the desire of the woman is for the desire of the man."

– Madame de Stael

Every normal man must be tempted at times to spit on his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats"

– Henry Louis Mencken

"Mary!" Raph exclaimed when she opened the door at his arrival. "You look great. So much better than the other day."

Mary was glad to see him, but couldn't help the sudden surge of butterflies in her stomach as he stepped in to embrace her. "It's just Raph. It's just Raph…" she repeated to herself as she returned his hug briefly before pulling away with a nervous smile.

"You look good too," she returned. "Uh, I've got to grab a few things so go ahead and hang out for a minute."

"Are we really going out for lunch?" Raph asked as he closed the door behind him and watched her walk down the hall. "I don't think you have ever asked me to go out to lunch before."

Mary dug a sweater out of a drawer in her room as she answered, careful to keep her tone light and casual, "Well, we're both usually running around and too busy to stop, but since you're off this week and I'm forced to be off, I thought we might try it."

She turned around to find him in the doorway, leaning casually against the doorframe with a seductive smile on his face. She knew that look, usually heated up to boiling pretty damn quickly with that look. Today, it caused her stomach to flip and she started to plan. Didn't want him to get suspicious, yet there was no way she was going to fall into bed with the man. Maybe just a little making out would satisfy him and then she could feign inability to do more due to injury. That sounded like it would work.

"So," he said in a low voice as he tugged her over to him, "is anyone else home?"

"Oh, Jesus, this is bad," Mary thought as she fought every screaming instinct to bolt. Willing herself to relax, she allowed Raph to pull her against him and settle his hands on her hips. He kissed her and she focused on returning it, but couldn't concentrate for long.

"They'll be back any minute. Just ran to the store. Yet another reason to make ourselves scarce," Mary stated, attempting to pull away.

"I know a way that only takes a few minutes," he whispered in her ear. "You taught it to me, remember?"

His hands ran up her sides to her breasts and she sucked in a breath and grabbed his wrists, her protest cut short by his mouth on hers again. Mary moved his hands back to her waist and turned her head, whispering, "Wait, wait a minute."

"We only have a few, and you hate waiting," he murmured. Raphael wrapped his arms around her more tightly, rubbing his hips against hers to let her know what he was thinking about and began kissing her neck, one of his hands tangling in her hair to tilt her head back. The things he knew Mary liked.

The feel of his arousal was disturbing enough, but the hand wrapped in her hair is what increased Mary's respirations to shallow pants and had her pushing at his chest to regain her freedom. Her thin veneer of control was slipping, her heart was pounding and she was pretty sure she was going to be sick if he didn't let go of her fairly quickly. There was no way she could separate past from present at this rate, no matter how hard her rational mind shouted.

Raph noticed her struggle and let her go with a questioning look, "Mary, what's wrong? Did I hurt you?"

Mary rubbed her face with her hands and cleared her throat, now standing across the doorway from him. "No…well, a little. I cracked a few ribs when I was kidnapped and they're still pretty tender. You hit a sore spot." Her legs were trembling and she needed a minute to regroup.

"Keep it together, Shannon," she chanted in her head, visions of the basement flashing in front of her eyes. She had been in close proximity with the man for ten minutes and she was already falling apart. There was no way she'd make it through lunch.

"You know, Raph, I guess I didn't realize how worn out I still am. What do you say we just have a beer out by the pool? Go ahead and grab a couple and I'll meet you out there in a minute." Mary offered, desperate to move the man out of her room.

He looked confused and disappointed. "Oh. Okay, I suppose that is better than me going home. I'll wait for you out there." As he exited the hallway towards the kitchen, Mary retreated to the bathroom.

"Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit…" she hissed as she looked at her reflection. She didn't know she was going to react like that to her lover. To a stranger, or someone she wasn't comfortable with, sure. But to a man who had access to her body for quite a while now? Whom she trusted enough to sleep with? She had expected some nervousness, maybe even a moment or two of fear, but not the all encompassing terror that had nearly made her run.

"This is fucking crazy!" she exclaimed to no one but the tile. She was not going to live her life like this. Splashing water on her face, Mary took a few deep breaths and squared her shoulders. Ready for round two.

Raph sat in one of the chairs under the trellis with two beers on the table in front of him. He watched Mary make her way across the yard and smiled at her as she sat next to him.

"You never told me all of what happened with Brandi and the kidnapping," Raph began, trying to make conversation. "Do I need to worry about the FBI?"

Mary took a drink and tried to shift mental gears. Another minefield. "No, they've pretty much packed up and moved on. Brandi's going to have to deal with the local PD, and you remain completely out of the picture."

"I don't know how to thank you for that, Mary."

"By not talking about it," she quipped with a tilt of her bottle in his direction, eyes serious.

He raised his eyebrows and nodded, hint taken. "When do you have to go back to work?"

"Hopefully I get to go back soon. I'm going kind of nuts sitting around, and I'm sure I'm driving Marshall crazy with all my whining."

"Don't you have to get some medical permission or something? You said you had some cracked ribs, and I can still see bruises," Raph asked, looking concerned. "You don't look completely yourself yet."

"Yes, I have to get clearance. No, I'm not myself yet. Let's talk about something else," Mary said.

Raph looked at her hard for a minute or two. "Are you sure you are all right? I just feel like there's something going on that you're not telling me about. Other than all the things you never tell me about anyway."

Mary pointed a finger at him, "Don't start. I've been busy with this case, busy recovering and it's just tiring."

"Why doesn't Marshall help you with the case? Can't he take care of it?" Raph asked, barely keeping the irritation out of his voice.

"Marshall's been buried up to his neck with this case the same as I," Mary snapped. "Don't drag him into this discussion."

"She stayed with Marshall for nearly a week after she was kidnapped," Jinx's voice intruded on their conversation. "They've been working very closely on Brandi's case."

Mary's head whipped around to glare at her mother, "Jesus, Mom, are you hiding in the bushes and spying on me? When the hell did you get home?"

"Just now. I saw Raph's car and came out here to say hello. Can't I greet a visitor?" Jinx had been drinking, somewhere, and Mary was nervous.

"Fine. Say hi and then go inside," Mary instructed.

"You stayed with Marshall for a week?" Raph asked Mary, now looking at her with hurt on his face. "Why?"

Jinx opened her mouth and Mary jumped up to face her, wincing. "Mom, go inside. This isn't your business." Then turning to face Raph, "I had a rough time with the kidnapping. I just needed some extra support from someone who knew what I went through. Leave it alone."

"A 'rough time'? Is that what you're calling it now?" Jinx sing-songed.

Mary grabbed her mother's arms and leaned in close to hiss, "Shut. Up. I will not tolerate this today. Go inside."

"He doesn't know?" Jinx stage whispered, too loud in the small space.

"Know what?" Raph asked, leaning over to try to see Mary's face.

"Nothing, Raph. She's drunk and confused," Mary placated her boyfriend with a smile before turning back to her mother. "I've already told Raph about the kidnapping and Brandi's problems. Nothing more to say for now."

"Mary, what's going on?" Raph was standing now also and walked over towards the two women. "What aren't you telling me? I knew there was something odd about how you are acting."

"Mary, he should know. He's your boyfriend, you have to sleep with him," Jinx protested.

"Did you sleep with Marshall?" Raph asked suddenly, shock on his face.

"What? No!" Mary spun to face him, incredulous. "Why would you think that?"

"You're being very secretive, and then your mother tells me you stayed with him, and now you are trying to shut her up before she tells me something you obviously don't want me to hear," Raph trailed off with a shrug, anger on his face.

"I did not sleep with Marshall. Get that out of your head," Mary commanded, angry herself now.

"She was raped by those men who kidnapped her," Jinx announced loudly with her chin thrust in the air.

Mary squeezed her eyes shut in fury, then turned to her mother with clenched fists, "Jesus Christ, Mom! Can't you keep your goddamn mouth shut?!" She had never before felt such a desire to do violence to her mother.

Jinx sensed her daughter's anger even through the fog of alcohol. Stepping back, she placed a hand on her chest and stammered an apology, "I'm sorry, Mary! I…I just thought maybe you had a hard time saying anything."

"What?" whispered Raph, face displaying shock at the words. "Mary, is that true?"

Mary stood between the two other people on the pool deck, fuming in silence while she considered her options. There was no point in denying the statement that her extreme reaction had already shown to be true, yet she didn't want to say the words or talk about it with Raphael. All control of the situation had been stripped from her hands and she was horrified to feel tears prick her eyelids. Cursing under her breath, she spun on her heel and stomped towards the house without a word to either of them.

"Mary!", "Querida!" Jinx and Raph exclaimed as Mary headed for the back door.

She heard one of them coming after her and doubled her efforts to get inside, ignoring her body's protest. Barreling through the back door, she had cleared the kitchen when Raph caught her arm.

"Don't touch me," she barked, yanking her arm away and stepping back to create space between them.

"Mary, I'm not going to hurt you," Raph insisted, stopping where he was. "I just need to know if this really happened."

She crossed her arms over her chest and blew out a breath. The tears were close. "Yes. It really happened." He would get no elaboration from her.

Raph just stared at her for a moment, as if the words didn't translate. "Why didn't you tell me? You were not going to tell me, were you?"

"No, I wasn't," she snapped, on the defensive now and lying quickly. "I can't talk about most of it anyway because of the job. No reason to upset you with that and not be able to explain."

"Did you tell Marshall?"

"Marshall knows. He pulled me out of that…he got me out." Mary checked herself.

"This is terrible! I don't understand why you would not tell me this! I have a right to know, don't you think?"

He had chosen the wrong word in Mary's mind. "A right? What makes you think you have a right to know this? You don't have any rights to me," her voice was low and full of anger.

"I need to know why you would push me away when I thought I was doing what you like. I want to know if I can touch you or not touch you. I just want to help. I want to comfort you and keep you safe."

"I didn't want you knowing because I don't need you to keep me safe or comfort me," she nearly yelled. "I don't need pity or coddling or any of those other things I know you'll offer. Now you'll treat me with kid gloves and I don't want that. I want what we had." Mary was becoming more and more upset by the whole situation.

Raph laughed humorlessly, "What we had? Sex…a lot of sex? How are you going to do that now? Grit your teeth through it? Am I supposed to be comfortable with that? I can't do that with you now."

"Why?" Mary's eyes brimmed with tears, "Because I've been used? You don't want to touch me now that you know what happened?"

Raphael's expression became pained and he reached out to gently grasp her elbows, keeping his voice low and steady, "That's not it. I can't hurt you or scare you. I don't want you to flinch and struggle. Why can't you let me just love you and be there for you?"

"Because I have that already," her brain responded silently. Mary dropped her eyes to the floor with the thought, confused.

Raph pulled her to him for an embrace and Mary stiffened and pushed back, nerves shot at this point. "I think you should really just go."

"Mary, we need to talk about this," he pleaded. She shook her head.

"No, Raph. Just leave. I need you to leave."

He reached out to touch her cheek and she flinched away, sorry to cause the look of sadness on his face but unable to control her reaction. Turning slowly, the man walked to the door before looking back at her.

"I'm so sorry, Mary," he said with true conviction, then left.

She was shaking so badly that she just allowed herself to sink to the floor; anger and anxiety reducing her to leaning against the wall and hugging her knees to her chest. Mary carefully measured her breaths, determined not to cry and fall apart. The back door slammed as her mother came looking for her.

"Mary," Jinx began as she found her daughter on the floor. "Are you all right?"

"Get away from me," Mary growled, refusing to look at the woman. "You had no right to tell him. None. That was my decision and mine only."

"I was only trying to help," Jinx whined, offended by Mary's accusation.

"You don't know how to help," Mary said hoarsely, distressed as a tear escaped and ran down her face. "You only know how to make the wound a little deeper, make it bleed a little faster. Just go away."

Burying her face her knees to hide her tears, Mary heard her mother's footsteps recede and proceeded to sob.

He made Albuquerque city limits by 6:50 pm, was out of the bar and grill by 7:10 and pulled into the driveway of Mary's house by 7:20. The house was still standing, and he didn't hear any dissonance from within, so Marshall's anxiety level receded minutely as he knocked on the door. It was opened shortly thereafter by Jinx.

"Oh. Marshall," she answered unenthusiastically as she let him in. "I thought it might be Raphael."

Radar pinging, Marshall asked the obvious, "Where you expecting Raphael?"

"I was hoping Mary would call him and apologize. That they might talk." She waved her hand in the air as she retreated back to the couch.

"Why would Mary apologize to Raph? Did they fight?" Probing. This didn't sound good.

"She was keeping secrets from him. He found out and they had a fight. She kicked him out." Jinx was only happy to share the gossip.

Marshall's eyebrows rose as he began to lay the food he bought out on the counter. "Sounds serious. Where is she now?" It was odd that she hadn't come out to greet him yet.

Jinx snorted, "How would I know? She's not speaking to me. I didn't win mother of the year award today."

"Did you ever?" he wondered, with a sideways glare at the woman on the couch. "What did you do?" he asked.

Jinx flounced around on the couch to look at him. "Did you know that she wasn't going to tell Raphael about the rape? Can you believe that? That poor man would never have known."

"Oh, shit," Marshall thought, closing his eyes with a sigh. Sure, Raph 'found out' about the rape. The source of that information currently painting her nails yet another shade of red. There was no way this wasn't going to be a mess.

"You mind if I go and look for her?" he asked, more as a formality than permission as he was already headed to Mary's room. Jinx waved distractedly from the couch.

Mary's room was empty, so Marshall walked back the other way and checked the laundry room and the garage. No Mary. Slightly concerned now, he stepped out into the back yard and spotted her. She was cleaning the pool. Scrub brush attached to the long metal pole, Mary was meticulously scrubbing away any hint of algae along the sides and bottom. Cleaning meant aggravation.

"Give the pool boy the week off?" Marshall casually asked.

Mary froze and her eyes snapped up to meet his. He couldn't see her well in the fading light, but her posture was tense.

She couldn't describe the feeling of relief that swept through her with her partner's presence. Similar to the time she saw him come down those steps, but without all the distraction of fear, pain and exhaustion. Mary had to grip the pole tightly to keep from running around the pool to go meet him.

"You're early. Did you offer to disable the porn filter on the trooper's on-board computer again?"

"I found a shortcut," he countered.

"Liar," she drawled, one hand on her hip now. "I've driven that route too many times. There are no shortcuts."

They stood and stared at each other for a moment until Marshall waved a beer at her. "Hungry? This goes with burgers inside…from Bennys."

"Well, why didn't you say so, nitwit," Mary huffed, pulling the pole out of the water and dropping it on the deck. "No more chit chat…eating."

He waited for her to reach him and handed her the beer. Mary took it, bumped him with her shoulder and headed up the steps. Marshall smiled behind her, that bump conveying affection and gratitude. Both for the beer and for just being there. She was happy to see him.

Mary asked why there were four containers; she didn't expect him to feed her whole family. He told her it saved him from watching her give hers away when her mother and sister came sniffing for handouts. This way, she could eat as much as she wanted. As if the universe broadcast his thoughts, Brandi and Jinx wandered into the kitchen to see what smelled good. Marshall smirked at Mary and raised his bottle in a toast. She kicked him under the table.

Brandi chatted aimlessly through the meal, seemingly oblivious to the tension between Mary and her mother. Jinx asked Marshall and Brandi a few questions, pointedly ignoring Mary. Marshall felt like he was in the middle of a soap opera, wondering who would drop dead from a brain tumor in the next ten minutes. He let his mind wander on the topic, trying to remember which show had won awards this year, then snapped back to the present with a question from Brandi.

"Oh, Mary, I forgot to ask you how your lunch with Raph went."

"Fine. We didn't actually go out. Just had a beer by the pool." Mary tried to avoid the subject.

Brandi looked confused, then gave her sister a sly look. "So, he just came over? Wow."

Mary stared at her sister across the table for a moment before answering, "Nothing happened, Squish. Jesus."

Marshall watched Mary and noticed the nervous swallow and the slight tremble in her hands as she took a drink of water. Something most certainly did happen.

"Oh, no…I wasn't thinking that. Of course not," Brandi backpedaled with Mary's annoyed tone.

"They had a fight," Jinx whispered loudly to Brandi.

Mary stood so quickly her chair fell over, and everyone at the table jumped. She was glaring at Jinx, cheeks flushed with anger and slapped her hand down on the table in front of her startled mother. "You just don't know when to quit, do you?" Mary ground out.

"Mary," Marshall said softly, rising to stand next to his partner. She radiated fury. "Let's go outside." He gently laid a hand on her forearm, "Come on. Come with me."

His touch grounded her and Mary closed her eyes to take a deep breath. Pinching the bridge of her nose, she turned towards him and permitted him to lead her out the front door. Blindly following, Mary finally looked at him after they stopped by the bumper of the SUV.

"I can't seem to stop being angry, Marshall," she began, running her fingers through her hair. "It's like I have a hair trigger, more twitchy than usual, and everything sets it off. It's exhausting."

"Angry is normal right now, Mare. And you're not exactly in a stress free environment."

Marshall relaxed slightly as Mary calmed down. He was seriously concerned she was going to strike her mother for a moment there. She rubbed her face and arms and sighed as she hung her head to stare at the ground.

"Did you sleep last night?" Marshall asked, guessing at the answer.

Mary shook her head slightly, "Not really. I had a rough day and just couldn't relax."

"Sounds like you had another rough one today," he prompted.

"Nothing went the way it was supposed to. I didn't even get to eat lunch," Mary tried to make a weak joke, but couldn't muster up a smile.

He waited a minute, leaning against the bumper and watching her. "So, are you going to tell me what happened with Raph, or do I have to start playing twenty questions?" he finally asked after she kept her silence.

"I didn't know it was going to be so bad," she murmured, leaning on the car next to him and playing with the tie on her sweatpants.

Marshall swallowed, her statement making him nervous, "What did he do?"

She huffed in exasperation, "Nothing he wouldn't normally do, but I couldn't…I thought I would be able to let him touch me and…I didn't expect…" she trailed off, not even able to finish a sentence.

Seeing and hearing her distress, Marshall slowly put his arm around her shoulders and drew her closer to him. She came willingly, sighing in relief with the gesture.

"The minute he walked in the door I was nervous. That's crazy, Marshall. I thought I'd be able to handle some low key stuff, you know, but it seemed like anywhere he put his hands triggered a memory. And then he had my hair and I just lost it. Had to send him out to the pool so I could keep from flipping out." Mary cursed under her breath before continuing.

"Then my mother. Jesus, she's a piece of work. Drunk. Stupid. Comes outside and blurts out the sordid details. I just about ripped her apart. Raph corners me back inside and wants to talk about it, of course. I'm barely holding it together, trying to be civil about the whole thing, and he wants to pet me and be all nice and crap. I don't want nice, Marshall, I want normal. I want to go to his apartment, fuck like rabbits and sleep like the dead." She was on a roll now, words coming fast and sentences run together. Marshall wrinkled his nose at her last statement, but remained silent as he suspected there was more.

"He said he wouldn't be able to do that now. Great. Doesn't want to touch me. Says it's because he doesn't want to hurt me. I don't know if I believe that."

"That seems like a valid reason, given the circumstances," Marshall offered quietly.

She snorted in dismissal, flippant in her reply, "Maybe. More likely that I'm damaged goods now."

Marshall reached around to turn her to face him, his brow furrowed. "No. Don't say that. That's not true."

She wanted to believe him, saw the truth in his eyes, but what she felt in her gut led her down another path. She fired questions at him without thinking first, "What if I can't let anyone touch me again? What happens to me then? Who's going to want that?"

Mary immediately shook her head in frustration, pulled out of his grasp and waved her hands in the air as she paced. "Forget it. Forget I said that. I'm just talking out of my ass now. I'm tired and mad and I'm rambling."

He knew she'd been thinking about that for a while. Thinking she was undesirable now. Not only wondering if she'd be able to return to accepting a man, but worried that none would accept her. It caused his stomach to burn in anger.

"Hey," he said, and she stopped to look at him. "Come here."

Mary stepped over to him with a quizzical look, "What?"

Marshall took her hands and tugged her closer, slowly crawling his hands up her arms until her forehead nearly touched his chin. "Are you scared right now?"

She looked up at him oddly, "No. Why would I be?"

Smiling slightly, Marshall slid his arms around her until she rested against his chest, her hands grasping his shirt at his waist. "Now?" he asked.

Mary chuckled dryly into his shirtfront, understanding the point of the exercise and conceding, "No, idiot. I get it. You're a man...you're touching me…and I'm not freaking out."

"Let me just add, then, that you are a very desirable woman, Mary Shannon. Any man who would think otherwise doesn't deserve you. Got it?" He breathed in the scent of her hair while he had the chance.

His statement caused warmth to suffuse through her body and Mary leaned into him a little more just to prolong the contact. She wanted to go back home with him. Back where she wasn't on edge every second.

"You need to get some rest," Marshall said, echoing her thoughts, rubbing her back reflexively.

"I will," she answered, unable to ask for more.

"Come back to my house?" he asked hopefully.

The offer hung in the air for a few minutes while they stood silently. Finally, Mary pulled back and looked up at him with a grin.

"I'm not sick, and I'm not a mess, so I don't think I qualify to be hauled back to your place and lectured." She reached up to push a lock of hair off his forehead, noting the look of disappointment on his face. "I need to stay here and acclimate to the real world."

Marshall stared at her for a long minute, then tilted his head forward to kiss her on the forehead.

"Be good," he whispered.

"Go home," she replied, gently pushing him towards the driver's side.

He watched her walk back to the front door, square her shoulders and disappear into the house.

*** Okay...who wanted her to go home with him?? Raise your hands!! Yeah...that damn, stubborn woman. At least she talked to him...probably said more than she wanted to but it had been building up for a bit. Wow, Raph really got blindsided...poor guy. And the next poll: who wants to draw and quarter Jinx?? Me me me! Stay tuned...more to do, more to do. Please REVIEW!! ***