Gold and Fire – Chapter 25 – The Fear of Losing Control

I have seen it all

This is the best part, lying awake in the dark

This is the best part, hearing the beat of a heart

Life is running swift now, like a raging river, how it runs out

Please don't go

Time is old and young, glitter moments fleeting on my skin

Pause in the glow

This is the best part, here in the beat of a heart

Author's note: When you get to the third segment of this chapter and see the prompt, please listen to "Say Something" either by A Great Big World or by Jasmine Thompson while you read. I write to musical prompts and they're just so much more powerful that way. I hope that you listen to all of the musical prompts, but if you don't then please consider it for the last segment! Thank you for letting me interrupt :)

watch?v=-t39croLwG0 "The Best Part" Gungor

Nur looked up at the ceiling through the darkness, the dim moonlight coming in through the window. Fili's head lay against her bare chest, his arm across her body while their legs weaved through each other. Neither of them moved except for the soft rising and falling of their skin with every slumbering breath.

The first few minutes in the King's bed chamber had been frantic, the walls echoing with the sound of cloth ripping and hungry mouths on skin. But in the aftermath of those fiery, passionate moments the exhaustion of the last day—perhaps even the exhaustion of the last year—struck them and they had fallen into a heap on the bed.

Fili snored softly and Nur could tell he was desperate to always be touching her in some way, as though she might disappear if he did not keep a grip on her. That reassurance in this moment was his hand on her wrist, strong even in sleep.

Nur had been so tentative before this night—fearful that he might see how much she had changed, see the proofs of training and battle on her body and be disgusted, but he had shown no revulsion and murmured his approval of her every feature. Nur sensed that he understood her fear and was putting her at ease—and she rewarded him with her fervent ministrations the third time they had come together that night.

She was tired, but she couldn't sleep, savoring the feel of his warm skin against hers and the weight of his body pressing her into their mattress. Nur had been reeling with desire for her husband after being parted for so long, but she knew that more than sating her hunger, more than drinking in his delicious warmth, and more than relishing his quick and powerful movements inside of her, she had been looking forward to this moment of lying in tranquility with him and knowing he was really and truly there.

Part of Nur's desperation for Fili was due to the incident with Tauriel and seeing how close Kili had come to losing someone so dear to him. Nur couldn't fathom her husband's absence and just the thought of it was bringing on one of her rushes of panic—and in the quiet of the room with nothing to distract her from her morbid fear, Nur's breathing quickened and her head felt fuzzy, vision beginning to blur.

Fili's snoring stopped and she knew he was awake instantly. He shifted and rested his chin on her chest just below her face, looking into her eyes. Frowning, he reached out a slow hand to touch her cheek.

"Why are you crying, love?" He whispered, wiping away at the wetness.

"Happy." She lied… and then thought better of it. "Sad. Everything, all at once."

Fili propped himself up on an elbow and cupped her face with his other hand, stroking her jawline with a calming touch, as though his fingers were smoothing away the jagged sensation in her head. "What are you sad about, my heart?"

She shook her head, staring at the ceiling again. "It's nothing, I'm being ridiculous."

"Look at me," He said in a stern voice, tugging gently at a strand of hair. When she complied, he smiled at her encouragingly. "It's not ridiculous if it's causing you to be upset. Tell me what it is and I'll make it better."

Nur sniffed and took a steadying breath. "I'm agonizing over the idea that you might have died the same way Tauriel almost did. I feel so violated, that someone could come into our home and defile someone we love in such a way." She looked at her husband with teary eyes. "I can face a foe in battle, head on—but this secrecy, this unknown, lurking ghost… it's too much like before. Like Gren. And it frightens me."

With strong arms, Fili sat up and scooped her into his lap, cradling her in a firm embrace. "Don't let your mind take you down an imaginary road leading to despair. We're home, we're safe, and we're going to find whoever did this to Tauriel and bring them to light—we'll put a face to this unknown ghost." He smoothed a comforting hand over her shoulder and kissed the top of her head. "I know you're afraid; there's no shame in fearing something you can't see, but I also know how bold you are. I've fought alongside you and I know no one braver. Trust me, love, we can get through this."

Nur could feel the doubtful arguments trying to take root in her mind, but Fili tilted her head with his knuckles and pressed his lips against hers, stopping those thoughts dead in their tracks, banishing them with a prevailing, "I love you, please trust me." She felt him scoot her backwards so that she lay on her back, her head against a pillow.

With his elbows propped beside her ribs, his head on her chest, and his middle resting between her legs, Fili's fingers traced the markings on her collarbones. The feathery touches made Nur's heart race and she threw her arms behind her head to support it, watching him as he explored the black lines of the tattoos.

"A lion and a wolf," He mused with a half-smile.

"You and Kili." She breathed, realizing that although he had seen the tattoos before this, she had never explained them. Pulling her feet along the blankets, Nur squeezed Fili's ribs with her knees. His eyebrows raised a little, either in reaction to learning the lion was a representation of him or from the teasing movement of her legs.

Pressing his lips to the lion, he kissed her collarbone, working his way along her neck and jawline and finally to the mouth that was waiting for him.

watch?v=SPjHoWWVS9g "Ships in the Night (acoustic)" Ingrid Michaelson and Mat Kearney

Tauriel had no lack of books in her secluded room as she waited for news, but she was rapidly losing interest in them as her health improved. The rashes were nearly gone and her energy was returning, but the more capable she became was the more she wanted to help with the investigation. She knew Legolas was charging through Erebor and part of her insistence to send for him was because of his ability to track anyone, as well as his extreme talent for logical deduction. If anyone could find the offenders, it would be him.

All the same, she did not like feeling useless. Her inner whining was silenced when a visitor made their way into the chamber and began making conversation. Nur, the wife of King Fili, was a difficult character for Tauriel to wrap her mind around: at some times she seemed gentle and sweet and incapable of harming anyone, but she would alternate between this and a hardened warrior, someone who had seen both grief and pain in increments that would have made anyone cower.

Though Tauriel was sure she was missing a part of the puzzle, she didn't dare ask Nur any personal questions, secretly reveling in whatever information Nur gave willingly. And it didn't dim Tauriel's mood to learn more about Kili, either.

"He ran into my chambers, out of breath and excited, announcing to me that he was going to accept, on his brother's behalf, a marriage proposal I hadn't given yet." Nur laughed, rocking backward. "And then Fili followed after and the look on his face was so murderous that I agreed to marry him almost entirely for the purpose of keeping his brother alive."

"The females are the ones who propose, then?"

Nur nodded. "There are only a few dwarf clans who don't follow that rule, but I think Thorin put them in their place when they last counseled together."

"I have been reading for days," Tauriel nodded at the books on her blankets, "and there is still so much to learn about your culture."

Nur fingered a few of the covers before raising a brow at Tauriel. "It might be easier if you asked questions—these have got to be some of the driest information…" And cocking her head at Tauriel, she grinned. "What would you like to know?"

"I am eager to learn any of your customs." Tauriel answered, hoping her cheeks wouldn't betray her with a blush.

"I'm sure that's the proper way to answer, but we're behind closed doors and I won't be repeating anything you say to anyone else," Nur said, sitting closer to Tauriel. "Truly. Tell me what you've been looking for. I'm sure I could guess it from reading the titles of these books."

"I'm concerned," Tauriel started slowly. "I am not familiar with your rules regarding interaction between males and females. I'm fearful of overstepping any boundaries I shouldn't."

Nur nodded, doing nothing to hide her wide smile. "With dwarves, that would depend on the relationship status of the male and female. We have some general rules, but…" Nur patted Tauriel's hand. "If this is concerning a certain prince then I think you're going to have to figure out what you are to each other before you can worry about how to act. Are there any Elvish customs you're ignoring while you're here?"

"Many," Tauriel sighed. "Physical touch is extremely intimate among elves and restricted to family ties … but I have never been one to agree with that custom. My parents were killed when I was younger and I have no other family, so I have had to guard my interactions with other elves."

"Hundreds of years old and not allowed to be affectionate with anyone?" Nur's eyes widened. But then she laughed, "And now you're befriending dwarves—and among them an extremely daring one!" With a shake of her head, Nur fixed a humorous eye on Tauriel. "I don't think you knew what you were getting into."

"I'm relieved to see you react with laughter," The elf-maid smiled. "I was afraid I had done him some sort of wrong and shamed him."

"He's the one being shameful," Nur declared, "every time he touches your hair. Hair is very important to us—I admit that I blushed the first time I saw you touch his."

"Was that wrong of me?" Tauriel's eyes widened.

"No, dear, don't worry about it." Nur winked. "Dwarf-men's scalps are extremely sensitive—the next time he's being an idiot and you need to subdue him, just run your fingers through his locks and watch him sink to the floor like a boneless fish."

Now Tauriel was blushing. "I had no idea I was violating him—"

"No, no," Nur waved her hand. "It's not like that. I forget that elves are so formal—remember that we're talking about dwarves. Touching a lad's hair is personal, but it's a flirtation and partly an invitation, asking him if he is interested in the lass. If he doesn't reject the affection, it means he trusts you and that he's willing to know you better. A public display of this is almost like showing everyone you have an interest in each other. Braiding is something that signifies a closure—a declaration that both are serious about a coupling—and becomes the right of a wife and a husband once the two are married."

This information whirled through Tauriel's head as she went through their history: the reluctance on his face over cutting her hair when she was stuck under the water in Laketown—she didn't want to think of what that might have signified in dwarvish culture—and the fetish he had with twirling a strand of her hair around his finger. It struck Tauriel suddenly that he was asking—even if he knew she had no idea of the custom and was secretly sending out the question—if she wanted to be affectionate with him. And then her shoulders felt heavy when she remembered her attempts to ease his agony in the healing tents, listening to his uncle cry out and her comfort of combing her fingers through his dark brown locks.

With a heavy sigh, Tauriel leaned back on her propped up pillows. "I wish I'd known of this sooner."

Nur seemed to be scrutinizing the she-elf. "If you had, would you have done anything differently?"

"No," she admitted with a shake of her head.

"Tauriel," Nur said with a firm tone. "Please answer me truthfully when I ask if you have feelings for my brother."

Her heart beat in her chest like a war drum as Tauriel considered what answer she might give. "I feel a great deal for him and his brother—ever since they came to Mirkwood—"

"You've got to be honest," Nur insisted with an imposing expression. "That lad has fallen for you and I will not see him waste his time on someone who won't give in to him wholeheartedly."

The comment shocked Tauriel to her core, almost as strongly as when King Thranduil had told her not to give Legolas the hope of a pledge. She was surprised that the situation was so similar, but recognized that Nur was not telling her to stay away from Kili—no, Kili's sister-by-marriage, and obviously dear friend, was telling Tauriel to make a decision of pursuit or flight.

"Don't make it a calculation," Nur said in a softer voice. "I only asked if you had feelings for him."

"I do." Tauriel said, surprising herself with how quickly—and how truthfully—the words came. "But I am afraid for his safety." She turned her eyes to the dwarf queen and allowed herself to describe her inner workings. "Elves never make these kinds of decisions quickly—we have an eternity ahead of us—but dwarves must face mortality. Kili is," Tauriel thought on the word, "precious to me because he will never exist again, and while he does, it is only for a short time."

"Would it be so terrible," Nur said with a grin creeping at the corners of her mouth, "to savor that while it lasted, then?"

Tauriel blinked. "Forgive me if I am not understanding you correctly—are you saying you would accept such a match?"

"If you were bold enough to make it, then yes." Nur nodded. "I would support you if you made such a pledge. I know Fili would, too."

A knock at the door had both of their heads turning and the conversation was abruptly ended when Kili and Legolas entered the room.

"We found them." Kili announced without ceremony. "Well, he found them. Fili is at the guard tower for their questioning, but they've already confessed it."

"Kurn?" Nur asked in a low voice, betraying her loathing of the name.

Legolas nodded. "And Murn, the delegate from the Iron Hills. There were only a few others, but he was the head of them and she was the assassin."

"That was much too obvious," Nur shook her head and crossed her arms. "She should have known I would be here, that I would recognize her." Turning her head to face Tauriel, she explained, "Kurn was a fellow warrior trainee. She attacked me and two others and proved that she has no regard for the value of life. She was the guard at Kili's room on the night of the party."

Tauriel was flooded with gratitude when Nur referred to it as "the night of the party" and not "the night you accidentally fell asleep in a dwarf prince's bed". She was still stinging with embarrassment from having to relay the story to Legolas.

"But I still don't understand why they did it," Nur said with a shake of her head, turning to Legolas for more answers.

"Council-member Murn wanted to hurt the alliance with the elves and plotted to keep Kili away from an important vote to happen the morning after the celebration. But he did not anticipate that the one he hired would take things as far she did, and so he allowed us to think it was an extreme act of prejudice."

"Why would he protect the assassin?" Nur snorted.

"She is his daughter."

Nur's face fell and she sat on the bed beside Tauriel again.

"He was unaware of her murderous intent—just as he was unaware that Tauriel fell victim to it instead of Prince Kili."

Tauriel's heart stuttered. "The poison was meant for Kili?"

Legolas nodded. "Kurn belongs to a clan of dwarves who declare that all elves are enemies. She admitted to strengthening the poison when she saw how… affectionate the Prince was acting toward an elf."

Tauriel had trouble listening to the rest of the conversation after that, losing herself to an overwhelming stream of thoughts. Nur had just asked Tauriel to make good on her intentions toward the dwarf prince, but she was also facing the reality that his own people were ready to kill him for associating himself with her. How could she act on her desires now that she knew it put him in danger? Kili had declared himself impervious to the opinions of his kin, but it was Tauriel's conscience that would bear the guilt if anything happened to him…

watch?v=-2U0Ivkn2Ds "Say Something" The Big World & Christina Aguilera

"Tauriel," Kili spoke her name.

Blinking, she realized he was the only one left in the room with her. "Where did Legolas go?"

"I asked for a moment alone," Kili smiled, sitting down on the bed where Nur had been only moments ago. Had it been moments or hours? Tauriel's mind was having difficulty processing time… "I have a confession to make." He said and Tauriel waited numbly while he looked at her, as if waiting for a prompt to continue. "I heard some of your conversation with Nur."

"You have a penchant for eavesdropping." Tauriel said without humor.

"It hasn't ended badly for me yet," he said with a wink, but his face began to droop when he saw that she was not reacting with her usual playful banter. Clearing his throat and looking at his hands, he fidgeted with the cuff of his sleeve. "And I also confess that I've been meaning to ask you a few of those questions myself."

Tauriel shifted uncomfortably, overwhelmed with a mind full of thoughts and wondering what to say to the dwarf who so clearly wanted her to say something. When she continued to think in silence, she watched his hand slowly reach out for the tip of her hair, winding the thin strand around his index finger.

Again, he was asking her for a response, but this time she knew what the action meant. She hated the way she was taking pleasure from watching her red tresses wind around his tanned flesh—it made her feel sick that she had entertained the thought of a relationship with him when now she understood the consequences of what that meant.

"Please, don't do that." She begged in a small, wavering voice. His eyes darted to her face and a look of horror played over his features.

"I…I'm sorry, I didn't realize—" he pulled his hand back to his lap.

"You didn't realize that I understood you were publicly asking me if I wanted to be with you?" Though the words were harsh, the voice that ushered them spoke hurt. Kili winced. "I wish I had known earlier, I would have put a stop to it." Tauriel said unevenly. "I wish you hadn't kept me ignorant of what I was doing."

"What you were doing…" Kili snorted as he repeated the words. "Were you doing anything you didn't want to? I've embarrassed you and now you're angry with me—"

"I'm not angry," Tauriel said. "You're just so… blatant, so bold. So reckless. It nearly got you killed."

"It wouldn't be the first time." Kili said with a roll of his eyes, capturing her hand in both of his.

"But what you risk your life for is not on behalf of your uncle or his quest," Tauriel reminded him, considering pulling her hand away, but leaving it there for the moment. "Any suffering of yours would be on my account."

"Tauriel, do you love me?"

Tauriel's fingers trembled. "Yes."

The glow of the dwarf prince's face was bright enough to illuminate the room.

"But I am returning to Mirkwood."

Just as quickly as Kili's face had lit up, his features fell and he seemed to reel as though he might fall over. "I don't understand."

"I need to speak to Legolas." Tauriel suddenly insisted with quickening breaths, barely resisting the tears filling her eyes.

"Please, don't leave." Kili begged, his grip on her hand tightening. "You don't need to leave."

A crack opened in Tauriel's heart and she began to question if she had the willpower to resist the dwarf who so affected her. Her hands flew to her eyes, covering them as if blocking her view of Kili might lend her the strength to do what she had decided was necessary—to leave Erebor for good.

"We'll figure this out," He pleaded, his fingers on her wrists, gently trying to coax her from her hiding place. "We can make this work, please don't leave. Tauriel, look at me."

"I can't," she moaned. She would lose her resolve if she did. "Please, go."

"Tauriel, you just told me you love me and you expect me to let you walk away?" He asked in a loud voice as he stood, but she refused to answer. "Maybe you're ready to do the noble thing and set aside what you want for the sake of keeping me safe—as though by leaving you can make everything right again—but I'm not ready for that!"

Gritting her teeth and peeking through her fingers, she watched his heated and desperate expression.

"I'm selfish enough to want to live a life of extremes, even if it ends quicker than it should. You would rather condemn me to a long and dull life instead?" He shook his head, sneering at the floor. "You know, that sounds like something Fili would do: trying to keep me safe by taking something away…"

At first, Tauriel hoped the comparison would help Kili to see that she was only doing what she thought was right, perhaps giving him a chance to accept it with a little more grace, but when he glared at the floor with contempt, it began to dawn on her that it was not a good comparison at all. It was just another person trying to take care of Kili as though he couldn't take care of himself—and she knew he hated it.

She heard the shuffle of his steps as the dwarf walked away. After the click of the door served as evidence that he had truly left, Tauriel dared to lift her hands from her eyes, but jumped when she heard something in the halls crash to the marble floors, followed by an animalistic roar. She could only imagine that a dwarf's temper, when incited, was as formidable as their ferocity in battle.

Last few chapters, decided to upload whenever they're ready instead of uploading on a specific day :) Next chapter coming either tomorrow or the next day