Author's Note: I haven't watched Glee since Big Brother (MATT BOMER! *squeals*) so I apologize to any major mistake. Spoilers to what I read of the episodes after that. However, once my beautiful and adorable wifey Ellie (hey, baby!) sent me the link to download It's All Coming Back To Me and I heard it, I immediately fell in love with it. Lea sounds amazing in it, like she hasn't sounded in quite some time. And, since I'm half-certain it won't be a St. Berry song (still, I hope it is), I decided to do it my way. Nationals, here we go!
here, there, everywhere
#25: things I'd never do again
Finn could feel Rachel growing apart from him. It was a palpable thing, like breathing and playing videogames and talking and hanging out with his friends. He couldn't pinpoint the reason – things had been going great for them, even after her disastrous audition to NYADA, with Rachel having won Prom Queen after being written in by their friends – but he could tell he was losing her, and he couldn't come up with anything to change that.
She was still as driven as ever, that hadn't changed. She was putting everything into their rehearsals for Nationals, but only into that. She was so focused into that, she had forbidden everyone but Kurt, Blaine, Quinn, Puck and Mr. Schue from watching her practice. Once, when he questioned her reason for not wanting him there, she shrugged and said it was a surprise. Then, when he tried and approach the idea of them marrying in Chicago after Nationals, she pretended she hadn't listened and changed subject.
The same thing kept happening every time he tried to talk about their approaching nuptials. Either it would fall on deaf ears, or she would tell him they could discuss it later. Kurt had assured him it was only Rachel being, well, Rachel, but Finn knew better. It wasn't Rachel being Rachel.
It was Rachel being Rachel Berry, and the memories of three years ago scared him more than anything else. The Rachel from sophomore year was madly in love with someone else, and it had taken months for him to get her to truly move on from said someone else. That someone else was still someone who haunted him, the one person Finn knew without a hint of doubt had fallen for this side of Rachel (which Finn was glad to see wasn't that dominant anymore) and could steal her away from Finn himself.
Jesse St. James.
But they were in Chicago now, in Nationals, and Rachel had gone missing. Kurt was basically an inch from throwing a major fit, and Blaine was giving his best to reassure him, but nothing other than Rachel being safe in front of Kurt would settle his stepbrother – so, Finn was sent on a search party for his elusive fiancée.
He found Rachel, indeed. But he found Rachel, standing extremely close to Jesse St. James. Finn stood still, motionless, stuck to his spot, heart shattering with fear as Rachel, obviously upset, tried to move away from Jesse, past him, towards Finn. And Jesse looked like he was going to allow her her diva storm-out, but then, frustration clear in his face, he whirled around and tugged Rachel by her arm, pulling her so that they were standing face to face. Now Rachel's face was hidden from Finn's view, but she was looking down at her feet and her shoulders were hunched.
Every instinct Finn had was screaming at him to go tear Rachel away from St. James, who was clearly working his Jedi mind tricks on Rachel's head to fuck up their chances at Nationals. But then, when Finn was about to storm up to them, Rachel looked up at Jesse, wrapped her hand around his tie and tugged at it so they were standing so close that, if Jesse just leaned a teeny, tiny bit down, they would kiss. Jesse listened attentively to her, then nodded and, sliding his hands up and down her arms for one last time, released her from his hold.
Finn couldn't move from his position fast enough to make it seem like he wasn't watching Rachel with Jesse. She looked a little surprised to see him there, but then smiled and breezed past him. "Hey. Let's go. My phone has been blowing up – I bet Kurt is threatening my entire Broadway collection by this point".
"Hold up, Rach", Finn said, following her and taking her hand so that she was forced to turn around and look at him. "What was that outside with St. Jerk?"
A flash of annoyance sparked in her eyes, but she hid it. "Nothing. Jesse is my ex, and we haven't spoken for months. We were catching up, that was all".
Finn was a little reluctant to believe her words, but by the time he finally managed to put his thoughts in order enough so that his next words wouldn't cause a major fight that would ruin their chance at winning Nationals, she had already tugged her hand free and was moving towards their green room. With a sigh, and his heart full of fear and potential pain, he followed her inside and tried to focus on the competition at hand.
They did Lady Gaga's The Edge of Glory (The Troubletones, featuring Tina and Quinn), and Rachel couldn't help but feel a little trepidation at her solo. It felt ominous that she had chosen that song to sing, especially after the conversation she had just had with Jesse. Moving quickly to her spot between Quinn and Blaine, she closed her eyes, took a deep breath and tried to block the memories from her most recent run-in with her former flame.
She was standing outside the theater where Nationals were taking place, trying to quell the butterflies fluttering in her insides. After her disastrous audition to NYADA, she was fighting a minor case of depression (who was she and what did she have if her talent failed her?), and it didn't help that Finn was pressuring her into marrying in Chicago. In fact, her choke-up at her audition had destroyed everything, including her plans of becoming Mrs. Finn Christopher Hudson. Finn was still bent into moving to California with Noah, and she didn't want that. She wanted Broadway and New York, and that was the one dream she wasn't willing to give up for Finn and their relationship.
Her new doubts and thoughts slowly drove her away from Finn, and she couldn't honestly say she wanted to change that. The rift between them, their differences, only seemed to become more evident. Taking a deep breath, she closed her eyes and began humming some tuneless song to try and settle her nerves. She heard with half a mind the door creaking open behind her, and suddenly the hairs on the back of her neck stood up and all her nerves vanished like they hadn't been there to begin with. Only one person caused her to react like this, and a sigh escaped her lips.
"Hello, Jesse", she whispered, but she knew he could hear her. His footsteps echoed on the small space separating them, and he came to a halt next to her – and she could feel the weight of his stare on her as he examined her.
"Hey, Rach", her former boyfriend said just as softly. "You look beautiful".
"Thanks", she replied quietly. "Wade did a good job out there. I think you guys are again the one glee club to look out for".
"He's quite talented. Unfortunately he has this knack of only feeling secure enough to perform when cross-dressed as this woman named Unique", Jesse sighed and rubbed his hand down his face. "Anyways. I heard what happened with your audition. I'm sorry. You deserve NYADA, Rachel".
There were nights when the wind was so cold
That my body froze in bed if I just listened to it right outside the window
There were days when the sun was so cruel
That all the tears turned to dust
And I just knew my eyes were drying up forever (forever)
Jesse sneaked in the auditorium, eyes finding Rachel's black-and-red-clad frame immediately. He couldn't help but feel a little deja-vu to the first time he ever saw her: in a competition, wearing a short dress and putting her impressive pipes on display with a huge diva number. Back then, it had been Barbra and her biggest hit. This time, it was Celine and one of her first major successes. The lyrics hit him like a punch to the stomach, and he couldn't avoid remembering their conversation from earlier.
After he gave her his regards towards her failed audition to NYADA and shared his belief that she deserved a spot at the prestigious institution, Jesse was shocked (and, admittedly, a little terrified) when she snorted, derisively. She shook her head as she spoke, "Clearly you – we both – were mistaken". She turned so they were face to face, and his heart clenched at the raw despair he saw in her eyes. "I'll never be anything more than a Lima loser. Just like everyone always told me I'd end up being".
She then moved towards the door in one of her classic diva storm-outs, and Jesse was tempted to let her go, too shocked to react. But his instincts – and the love he still held for her, even after last year's humiliating wound to his pride by her hands – kept him from doing as so. With a small growl of frustration, he turned and grabbed her arm, forcing her not to flee his presence. He tugged at her arms and pulled her close, his eyes burning with a little anger and a whole lot of fear for her. "Listen to me, Rachel. Shut up and listen. Remember what I told you once? You singing Don't Cry For Me Argentina is not a dream. It's inevitability. I believed it then and I still believe that now. And I have faith in you enough for the two of us. If I have to drag your ass out of Lima by force, so be it. But you're not going to end up married to your so-called high school sweetheart. You are not. You deserve NYADA, you deserve New York, and you deserve Broadway, and you will have it. We could have had it all, and we will. And that all, we will have it – together".
He had no idea what prompted that outburst, but obviously his words got through to her, and she looked up at him, her lower lip quivering. He was torn between his anger at her giving up on her dreams and his desire to press a kiss to her mouth to reassure her – and himself – that they still had a shot at their own inevitability. But the ring in her finger cut into his palm, and he curbed his urge.
I finished crying in the instant that you left
And I can't remember where or when or how
And I banished every memory you and I had ever made
Rachel was forced to bite back the overwhelming urge to cry as she started pouring all her conflicting feelings into her song. Surrounded by Blaine, Quinn, Santana and Tina, she stepped forward and closed her eyes, imagining Jesse out in the crowd, watching her. If she focused hard enough, she could almost feel him, his touch, his kisses, his breath, the whispers they had shared at their two failed relationships. The memories strengthened her, and she opened her eyes –
– And immediately managed to find Carmen Tidibeaux sitting on the crowd, an unreadable expression on her face. The sight of the woman who held her fate in her hands gave Rachel the push to focus on the performance and not on her desire to curl up and cry until she had no more tears left. She had so much riding on this song, and she wouldn't lose it.
Not when losing it meant disappointing Jesse.
Jesse's outburst rocked Rachel down to the pit of her soul. The way he spoke of her future – their future – and the deep faith he still had at her even after everything she had done to him affected her more than she would like to admit. She had gotten somewhat used to the idea of California, of being a starlet or an aspiring TV and movie actress, all because of Finn's desire to move to California.
But to see someone she had hurt so deeply, intentionally and unintentionally, filled her with renewed hope, and the look in Jesse's eyes gave her a dose of boldness that she normally wouldn't have. Wrapping his tie around her hand, she tugged at it, pulling him close enough that she could feel his minty breath on her face, and that made her shiver and fire to race inside her veins, turning her blood into molten lava. Looking up, she bit her lower lip and whispered, "If you're certain of what you're saying, Jesse..."
"I am", he interrupted her, and she felt like standing up on her tiptoes to kiss him, but fought it off.
"Then I want you to listen very closely to my solo". Her gaze locked with his, and her next words caused her a deja vu feeling, but she knew this boy – this man – would understand what she was implying. "I mean every word".
But when you touch me like this, and you hold me like that
I just have to admit that it's all coming back to me
When I touch you like this, and you hold me like that
It's so hard to believe, but it's all coming back to me.
Jesse felt tears threatening to fill his eyes. Onstage, singing her heart out to one of the world's most beautiful love songs, with a spotlight illuminating her and a fierce look on her face, Rachel never looked more ravishing. She was singing to him – that much was certain. She had told him as such, when she asked him to listen closely to her song.
A tear trickled down his face and he made no move to wipe it away. It wasn't the first time he cried because of Rachel singing – but it was the first time she had sung to him without pain and heartache from both sides. The song was a love statement from a person to their former lover, a plea for a new chance.
And, if Rachel allowed him, he wanted another shot at their love story.
It's all coming back, it's all coming back to me now
There were moments of golden, there were flashes of light
There were things I'd never do it again, but then they'd always seemed right
There were nights of endless pleasure
It was more than any laws allow (baby, baby)
Carmen Tidibeaux was a close friend of Claire St. James, and she had known Claire's son Jesse since he was a baby. She had accompanied – from far away, but still – his life, and, when he called her to ask for a favor, she had promised she would make it happen if she could. Once he told her he wanted her to come to Chicago for the Show Choir National Competition, to watch someone perform, she had been reluctant to accept.
Said reluctance increased when she learned the person he wanted her to watch was Rachel Berry. Carmen then proceeded to tell him she had seen Rachel perform, and the girl had failed to impress her. But Jesse, being a St. James, managed to cajole and persuade her to give Rachel another chance. Incapable to say no to the boy she had seen grow into a dashing, talented young man, Carmen agreed, but made no promises.
She was glad that she had come. The young woman singing onstage in no way reminded her of the shaking, anxious mess she had seen try her hand at Don't Rain On My Parade just two weeks ago. Rachel's performance was a mixture of fierceness and frailty, her voice powerful and haunting as she sang to a lost lover about how memories of their broken relationship came crawling back to her. Carmen caught sight of Jesse not far from where she sat, and the smitten look in her face told her just how important Rachel was to him.
The NYADA dean knew Rachel had seen her, but apparently her presence hadn't rattled the young prospect. Carmen wasn't a person to lie, not even to herself, and she had to admit that Jesse had had a good idea when he invited her to come to Chicago. Rachel Berry was someone worthy of being in NYADA's rows of freshmen the following term.
She smiled softly at the young woman, and sat back to enjoy the rest of the performance.
If I kiss you like this, and if you whisper like that
It was lost long ago, but it's all coming back to me
If you want me like this, if you need me like that
It was dead long ago, but it's all coming back to me
It's so hard to resist, and it's all coming back to me
I can barely recall, but it's all coming back to me now
But it's all coming back
"She sounds beautiful!" Finn heard Kurt breathe next to him, tears brimming in his blue eyes and threatening to roll down his cheeks, and his heart sank. Yes, Rachel sounded beautiful – but that song wasn't from her to him. No – they were on a good place, or so he thought, and this song was about memories of a past, broken relationship.
And the only broken relationship Rachel had memories to, no doubt, cherish...
Finn bit his lower lip so strongly he could almost taste the coppery blood flowing into his mouth. She was singing to Jesse – in front of a packed audience. In front of Jesse himself – and Finn knew his rival would recognize the song for what it was.
Suddenly, Kurt gasped and grabbed Finn's arm, squeezing it tightly. "Oh, dear sweet Gucci!" He whisper-shrieked, jumping up and down, pink blossoming in his cheeks. "It's Dean Tidibeaux! From NYADA! She's on the audience!"
Finn's heart sank even deeper. Rachel was escaping between his fingers like sand, and he couldn't do anything to keep her. If he pulled a stunt like he had done last year, it would only cause her to hate him – she had, several times, told him not to do that this year – and Santana to probably castrate and then kill him.
But you were history with the slamming of the door
And I made myself so strong again somehow
And I never wasted any of my time on you since then
Leroy Berry was speechless. Sitting by his side, his husband Hiram was weeping openly in pride.
They had always known their daughter was a talented young woman, but they had never – not once in Rachel's nearly eighteen years of life – witnessed such a powerful, raw performance. Rachel was glowing, seemingly torn between pain and defiance, talking (singing) about a lost love like a woman older and more experienced than herself.
"She sounds amazing", Hiram said as he blindly groped for a tissue, tears falling down his face. Leroy nodded mutely, looking at the same direction Rachel had focused, a knowing smile curving his lips as he recognized the tall young man with dark curls. Suddenly everything made sense.
Only Jesse St. James was able to bring the diva out of his little girl. And, given the taken look on the younger man's face, this time everything would go smoothly for the two youngsters. Timing had never been right for them, in Leroy's opinion, and the motives behind their coupling were, at times, faulty.
But this time Jesse wasn't approaching Rachel to follow someone's orders, and Rachel wasn't using Jesse to make Finn jealous (if Leroy was right – and he prayed he was – Finn was a thing of the past for Rachel now), so maybe – hopefully – they had a fair shot now.
"Leroy?" Hiram squeezed Leroy's hand, startling his husband out of his musings, and, with a soft, tearful small smile, Leroy squeezed his hand back.
"Yeah... She does, doesn't she?"
When you touch me like this, when you hold me like that
It was gone with the wind, but it's all coming back to me
When you see me like this, when I see you like that
Then we see what we want to see, all coming back to me
The flesh and the fantasies, all coming back to me
I can barely recall, but it's all coming back to me now
Rachel was pouring everything she had into this song. She was aware just how much she had hanging on it: her future, her happiness. NYADA. Jesse. The two things she wanted more than anything, and she'd be damned if she allowed it slip through her hands without a fight. No, not this time.
She knew she had many things to put in order before taking up with Jesse again. She had to talk to Finn, to call off their wedding (one less mistake for her, she knew that now) and break their engagement. She had to talk to Dean Tidibeaux and find out her opinion about what she had just witnessed. She had to go through graduation, the following week.
But there was one thing she could do now, and so she did. Finding Jesse amongst the audience, she looked straight at him and smiled softly. A thin sheen of tears had pooled in her eyelids, and everything was blurred, but she managed to spot him. She allowed her voice to soften and wrapped up the song with a tender look at the man she loved more than anyone else.
If you forgive me all this, if I forgive you all that
We forgive and forget and it's all coming back to me now
It's all coming back to me now
The audience jumped up to their collective feet in a standing ovation and, by the looks of it, there wasn't one single dry eye in the house. Rachel closed her eyes, feeling two tears roll down her cheeks, before opening them and smiling brightly at the applauding crowd. Suddenly Quinn rushed to hug her, also crying, followed by Tina, Blaine and an obviously touched Santana. "You were awesome, Rachel", Blaine whispered, his voice thick with the tears that shone in his eyes. Huddled together, the sextet left the stage, and Rachel was wrapped in a collective hug, Kurt in the middle, clinging tightly to her, his tears wetting her shoulder.
"Dean Tidibeaux was here!" He squealed, and then lifted his hand to his eyes. "I bet all my Prada she came to check you again! New York, here we come!" Then he pressed his mouth to Rachel's in a clumsy kiss, a blush exploding in his cheeks when he pulled away. He opened his mouth to speak, but she just hugged him tightly, smiling the entire time.
Everyone broke apart, celebrating a smooth performance – Santana commented loudly just how "fucking awesome it was to finally go through a competition without Finchel drama", making everyone laugh – when Rachel felt someone standing behind her and closed her eyes, taking a fortifying breath. She turned around, coming face to face with Finn, who was looking sadly at her. "I'm so sorry, Finn", she said quietly, discretely pulling her ring off her finger and pressing it into his palm. "It would be a mistake to go through with it".
"Why, Rachel? Out of everyone, why is it always him?" Finn had come to resign to the fact that there would always exist something between Rachel and Jesse. And he was tired of losing her always for the same dude. He watched as Rachel's face changed from the sad, apologetic mask to a glowing peace.
"I love him", she replied simply. "I always loved him, I guess. It was just the timing was never right for us".
Finn nodded, understanding for once what she was saying, and he pocketed the ring in his hand. He put a hand of her shoulder and squeezed gently. "You were amazing, you know?"
Rachel smiled thankfully. "Thanks, Finn". He nodded at her and left her, and she smiled. A few moments later, a strong pair of arms hugged her waist, and she smiled more widely. "Hello", she whispered.
Behind her, Jesse chuckled, kissed her shoulder and sang softly, "Is it me you're looking for?"
Laughing, Rachel turned within his embrace and hugged him, pressing her face to his neck. "You're all I've ever wanted", she whispered in his ear, and felt him smile against her skin.