Chapter 25:Storm (Lifehouse)

For every one thing that was breaking around me, slowly but surely some old scar tissue was being wiped away, and I was healing.

Waking up in the hospital Monday morning was not something that made me very happy but it was something that I had to accept at this point.

One of the first things that I did as the sun began to shine in the window was to call Sue and talk to her about what had happened.

I expected her to insult me or make me feel like I deserved what I was going through but she was mainly supportive.

She told me that she would talk to all of my teachers and get my homework and if I had any tests that she would administer them at a later date, if necessary.

She told them that there was no way that she was going to let me lose out on amazing grades after I had worked so hard to get my grade point average to where it was at.

I was so grateful for the ally that Sue had turned out to be.

She may have not been the nicest person but she was definitely one of the most supportive.

Which was just what I needed in my life!

Hey S, how are you today?-Q

I'm ok, I have the beginning stages of pneumonia. My dad suggested I stay for awhile longer.-San

So he can watch over you?-Q

I think he is trying to help me get clean in his own little way, plus the doctors are scared of him so he can get away with bossing them around. He's trying I guess.-San

Nice of him?-Q

Yea, it is. Are you still coming by Fabray, I want to cuddle, please?-San

Maybe after practice tonight, the 1st game is in two days…you know how Sue gets.-Q

Wish I was there. :(-San

But you are getting better there right?-Q

Yea…hopefully! Doctors just came in for more tests. TTYL-San

Love you!-Q

Sap!-S

I was beyond bored just sitting in the hospital with nothing much to do.

I called my dad just because I could do that now, what with him trying to reach out to me.

I realized more and more that I just missed him even though his fist talked to me more then he did.

My good memories still outweighed the bad ones for some reason.

I guess absence does make the heart grow fonder and he hadn't even left town yet.

"Good Morning sweetheart, how are you today?"

"I'm good Papi, do you think, you could come down here and sit with me for a little while. I'm lonely."

"Yes. Let me close out this conference call that I'm supposed to be on…shhhh, our secret…then I will come downstairs."

"Our secret. See you soon."

In the past I would have thought that my father would have basically blown me off and shown up hours later but this time around he was true to his word.

About five minutes had gone by and here he was standing in his white coat, glasses perched on his nose.

He looked at the machines that surrounded me and then he used his stethoscope to check my breathing.

He nodded and then jotted some things down on my chart.

"Papi you know you're not supposed to be treating me, right?"

"I am just helping out, I didn't operate on you or anything! Sheesh...what happened to my little rule breaker?" he laughed as he dropped down on the chair beside me. "So what's up mi hija?"

"I wanted to talk to you about Marco."

"Oh…touchy subject…don't you think? Are we ready for that?"

His sense of humor was keeping me from exploding.

A sense of humor that I had rarely seen directed at me.

It meant that he was trying and that meant the world to me.

"Yes, I know...but I needed to talk to you while you and I are on good terms. I feel like you and I can never mend this break between us until we discuss him. Please?"

"Okay. Is this about the drugs?"

"Yes and no."

"Okay. I'm all ears. Hit me with your best shot."

"I don't love him Papi, I don't think I ever will."

"I know, you've said that before but I just could never understand why."

"Remember when I got pregnant?"

"How could I forget? I caused you a lot of pain. Accused you of lying."

"I forgave you a long time ago. Its just that... I got pregnant because he raped me, Papi. I know I denied it after telling you the first time...but it happened. Then this past summer he beat me almost everyday and he made me perform sexual favors for his colleagues. I would be insane to love him after all the pain he has inflicted on me mentally, physically, and emotionally."

My father clenched his jaw and looked at me with hurt eyes.

It hurt me to see him like this especially since he had seemed like he was in such a good mood when he had walked in but I just felt like it was now or never.

It is never easy to tell your parents that they screwed up and I hope my children never have to tell me that because I could see by the look in his eyes that it pained him to hear these things but it pained me double to hold them in.

"And the drugs?" His voice was hard and raspy, yet another trait that I inherited.

I could tell he was boiling over with rage but I knew that it was directed at Marco and not at me for once.

"He liked me that way, high. He says that I am more malleable, more like the woman that he wants as a wife. Like his personal whore. I was becoming addicted to the coke but Quinn and Sandra helped me before I got too far and then…"

"What there's more?"

"Yes...Papi, I was stupid, I got drunk and had sex and don't remember it. I got Chlamydia and gave it to him. He flew in and he forced me to do the lines and then he basically raped me again. I am so sorry Papi!"

I was crying into my hands, I was ashamed but I felt relieved at the same time.

I peaked at him through my fingers and I could see his head bent low and his body shaking.

He raised his eyes to me, they were bloodshot and sad.

He seemed to be holding in so many questions but he knew that there were only certain ones that would give him the answers that he needed.

"What about the money?"

I took a deep breath and looked him straight in the eyes, remembering the last time he and I had discussed this issue.

I had walked around with a bruise the size of his fist covering my face for a week.

He deserved the answer to this question as much as I needed to give it to him.

He was searching my face and I left my expression open.

This was not the time to build any walls, I had to be 100% truthful.

I had to get through all the pain of the last three months.

God has it only been three months?

Shit!

I shook my head to regain my focus and answered him the best way that I could

"Marco never offered me a corporate job. I worked as an escort and stripped at private parties because he forced me to. I spent each night high and drunk. I made on average $500 to $3000 a night. Marco kept half of everything I earned...probably more than that. I hated myself for it but when I worked he didn't hit me and the sexual favors stopped. He forbid me to talk to you or anyone about it."

"I'm sorry, I did this to you. I forced him on you time and time again. You had finally been rid of him and I went searching for him right before your birthday. I thought it would be a great surprise now that you were both of legal age. I have failed you."

"You didn't know Papi."

"It's my job to know these things, Santana. I have been a father for more than half my life and I have failed all of you in some way but you, I have failed the most. Lo siento, querida bebe!"

"I forgive you."

My dad held me close to him after I told him everything.

He looked at me differently but it seemed like it was in a different way, a better way.

The only thing that I didn't talk to him about was being gay…I thought I would cross that bridge a little later.

I dealt with what was most pressing to me, I also knew that by telling my father about all the abuse that I had suffered through the years that he would do his best to keep Marco away from me.

And at the end of the day that mattered to me more than anything.

I stayed at the hospital for two more days with constant treatments and tests to observe my lung function.

I was given specific instructions and a list of things that I was explicitly not to do.

Most of the things on the list were things that I enjoyed like smoking, drinking, running, dancing, and sex.

I had to refrain from everything on the list for one month and continue outpatient therapy.

My dad was really hard on his staff and wanted to make sure that when he left I was in capable hands.

He appointed Dr. Malek Jindahl as my primary physician and gave me his personal number so that I could call him anytime and he would answer.

It was nice to have my own doctor to call even if it was a little weird.

But of course, Dr. J insisted that it was fine with him.

He idolized my father and so I trusted him.

My parents closed up the house and moved from Lima almost overnight.

My mom had wanted to sell the house but my father refused.

He said that it was my inheritance and that he would never sell it.

I was happy that he had taken that stand because I didn't want to move my tree house and I didn't want anyone else to have it either.

The week after they left I walked through the house taking things that they had left behind like their flat screen TV, pictures, and money that I had stashed in various places.

It was almost haunting that the house really seemed no different than the lonely days I spent there as a child.

All the kids at school thought I was so cool because I had that big house to myself but in all reality, I was scared and neglected.

In many ways that hasn't changed and even though my dad and I have mended things between us, I still feel like they left me the first chance they could.

The walls that I built around myself, keep me safe from the pain of being alone and someday I hope to not need them anymore.