Captain's Personal Log: Crescent Nebula, Tasale System, Ilium: Mourning and Solace
A/N: Special Thanks to Premier Bromanov of TCR for help with Samara.

I remembered the sky growing up. Whited out by the lights, blanked by pollution, but knowing, because the extranet told me so, that there were wonders beyond belief up there beyond the man-made towers, beyond the sun that shone like a white-hot disk in the endless blue sky. And here I stood in a ship suspended in that great nothingness, surrounded by the wonders of asari, krogan, drell, quarian, turian life, and for the moment, I wanted to tell that little girl to persevere, that she would see beyond the sky one day.

And then die there,a little voice oh, so helpfully reminded me. I stepped on its neck and threw it in a mental closet. I looked up at the permanently glowing sunset sky of Illium, the nearest asari colony. I'd offered to take Morinth's body back to Thessia or the monastery at Lesuss, but Samara wouldn't hear of us going so far out of our way. And since even funeral arrangements on this planet were exorbitantly expensive, I'd dipped into our meagre budget to buy the silken shroud and the ornate, gold funeral mask. She'd stared at the delicate filigree on the mask, her long fingers tracing one of the designs. "Shepard, this is too much."

I shrugged. "It is asari tradition, though, isn't it? I had a friend find it for me." Liara had been very helpful in making the arrangements. She'd also footed most of the bill claiming it was a privilege to assist a Justicar. As a result, the funeral services were even grander than I'd have been able to arrange. "It's supposed to fool the spirits, right?"

She smiled, sadly. "That is the purpose of the masks, yes. At least originally. But after a while they were more about wealth and power and beauty. And now... now, they're a reflection of an asari's personality."

"Did I pick the right one?" I asked. I was a little afraid I'd chosen wrong. Samara had asked me to take care of all the details, but she should probably have picked out the mask herself. Liara had emailed me pictures of several and I picked the most hedonistic-looking one in my price range - not in Liara's - I wasn't going to take advantage of my friend's wealth. I'd hoped it fit what little I'd garnered of Morinth's personality.

"Yes. I appreciate you doing this. You did not have to."

"I know, Samara." I'd glanced away from the square-jawed matriarch. "Mothers - Mothers shouldn't outlive their children."

She'd looked at me then, compassion in her blue eyes. "I understand. Thank you, Shepard." I hadn't told her. I wondered if Tali had. I doubted it. Samara was practically a mind-reader at times.

Not even my formal uniform was warm enough to keep the wind off me. The Justicar had changed her armor to black. I don't know if it reflected mourning, or indicated a new commitment to our mission, but she was no less imposing in it. It was nearing sunset, a time when tradition demanded the pyre be lit, according to what I'd read on the extranet. "Samara, do you... have anything to say?" Garrus stood next to me, Tali on the other side of him. Thane and Mordin, surprisingly, stood to the other side of Samara. More for me, I think, than to comfort the stoic asari to my right. Though I think Mordin was here out of curiosity.

She looked down at me and blinked her cold blue eyes, "Yes, Shepard. I do. Thank you." Gracefully, she walked over to stand next to her daughter's body and stared down at the mask glinting in the dim sunlight. Her back rigid and straight, her arms hanging loosely at her sides. In her clear voice, she began, "Mirala, you were the bravest and the brightest of my daughters. I wanted so much for you to have everything. I would have given you everything.

"But the Goddess decreed otherwise. I am so sorry, my Mirala. I... hope that you find peace in the embrace of the Goddess." Squaring her shoulders, she took the torch from the attendant and lit the pyre. I suppose, back in the day, it had consisted of sticks and logs and something flammable. Modern technology had improved and the gas flames produced by the hidden jets around the body ignited almost instantaneously. I looked from flames licking around the shroud-wrapped body to Samara's stiff shoulders and shrugged. If that's all she had to say, I wasn't going to object and insist on more. We stood, watching, waiting for the fire to burn itself out. Samara would come back tomorrow and scatter the ashes as her tradition dictated. That, she wanted to do alone.

I turned to Samara. Being alone right now was probably the last thing the woman needed, but it would probably be what she chose; tomorrow was soon enough to face this by herself. "It's nearly time for dinner. Would you like to join us in the mess? I'm sure Gardner's cuisine is much better since I went grocery shopping for him."

The asari turned her gaze toward me, cold, but with a layer of pain underneath that I could almost see if I squinted. "Thank you, but I - I need to meditate for a time. Perhaps later." I nodded, unsurprised.

"Interesting." Mordin inhaled sharply as the asari retreated to the elevator that would take us to the landing pad and the shuttle back to the Normandy. "Grief is difficult for all species."

"This surprises you, Doctor?" I asked.

"Only in the similarities of expression." He followed the Justicar to the elevator, the rest of us right behind him. The shuttle was silent on the way back to the ship.

"Shepard," Tali ventured, her hand on my arm stopped me when we disembarked from the shuttle. "When you have a minute, I need to ask you something."

"Sure, Tali, come up to my office after dinner." I glanced at Garrus who was looking at Tali in concern. "Everything all right?"

"I'll tell you later." She pushed past us. "I'll be in Engineering." Garrus met my eyes. In that second I was glad we knew each other well. He followed the quarian. "Hey, Tali, wait up!"

I smiled and shook my head. "So, Thane, you hungry?" He'd had mine and Garrus' back quite often lately. Usually when we went against pirates. I quashed the sting of all those families I'd had to have evacuated when I'd only been able to disarm one missile. They hadn't been happy about losing their homes, but quit bitching when they realized I could have decided in the other direction. Course, I wasn't entirely sure why the Alliance had to evacuate them from their homes when the town could be rebuilt. But, I wasn't the one in charge.

The drell smiled. "Like all biotics at any given time, yes. Though I did want to thank you."

"Oh? What for?" I asked, moving to wait for the elevator to return from engineering.

"For helping me with Kolyat."

I met his big, dark eyes and nodded. "I - it was good to see a father try to right the wrongs he'd done. So many don't bother."

The drell bowed his head in acknowledgment of the truth. "I did not wish to be one of those. So, I thank you."

"Just don't mess it up, Thane. Be there for him. Live to see his children. Be a good grandfather." I stared at the doors, unwilling to look at him.

"Siha, did I offend?"

I relented and glanced him. He looked so concerned. One of these days, I'm going to beat that nickname out of him."No, Thane, you didn't. I'm - I'm proud of you for reaching out to your son while you still could. I - let's just say, a lot of children could use a dad as honorable as you."

"I'm guessing you did not have such a father?"

I laughed. "I didn't. You're a good father, Thane. You're at least trying."

"Thank you, Siha." We got into the elevator.

"Why do you call me that?"

"Siha?"

"Yes. Is it a title or something in your religion?"

He shrugged, gracefully, like he did most things. "You could say that."

I frowned. "Well, hopefully it's complimentary. It doesn't mean 'asshole', or 'bitch' or something."

He chuckled. "I assure you, Siha, it does not. It is quite complimentary."

"Then, thank you." We turned the corner to the mess. And stopped. I covered my mouth to keep from laughing. Jack was actually wearing a shirt. And sitting on top of the table and telling a story. Complete with, "No shit, there I was..." Hawthorne, Gabby and Ken were laughing as she gestured expansively. When I caught her grin, I had to smile back. She seemed to be far more relaxed than I'd seen her yet. Miranda was leaning on the counter, a mug in her hand, listening to the story, but trying not to seem like it since she kept her eyes on a datapad, but never touched it to change the display. Mordin was questioning Gardner about his recipes, and Kasumi sat at the mess table, leaning back in her chair, listening to Jack, a smile on her painted lips. Kelly beamed at me and gestured for us to join her on the other side of the table. Thane bowed in my direction and headed for my Yeoman. I had to admit, despite the fact that I'd had dinner with her to test her loyalty, Kelly hadn't been quite as vapid as I'd first decided she was. She'd been full of stories of growing up on Earth. And she'd had a lot happier childhood.

I walked over to stand next to my erstwhile XO. "Everything all right?"

She flashed me her perfect teeth in a small smile. "Everything's fine. I'm glad you're doing everything you can to build the crew, Shepard. It's necessary. They're really beginning to be a good team."

"Thanks." I nodded. "I think they're coming together, too. Slowly but surely." I took a deep breath. "Can I ask you a question?" Dread felt like a lead weight in my boots. I hated that I had to have this conversation, but it was necessary.

The statuesque woman shrugged and put the datapad down. "Sure, Shepard. You can even ask me in my office, if you like."

I looked at the small group gathering around Jack's increasingly animated story, and nodded again. "That's probably the best idea."

After the door closed behind us, I stood in front of her window, pushing myself to stare out into space. "What's wrong, Shepard?"

My hands clasped behind my back, I turned slightly to watch her face. "Can you think of a reason for the Illusive Man to want you dead?" I held myself still. Her reaction to this question would determine the rest of our working relationship. I had to know.

Her eyes widened and she turned pale beneath her makeup. "Why would you even ask that?"

I turned more fully to face her. "Because he has reason to want every single person on this ship dead. They're either a threat to him, to Cerberus, or to Humanity in general. You're the only sticking point. The only angle I can't see. So, Miranda. Are you a dupe, or a sacrificial lamb?" My stomach twisted, waiting on her response. She wasn't that good an actress that she could turn pale on cue, though. But would she think Ol' Blue Eyes' logic was sound?

She sat down heavily in her desk chair. "I - I hadn't thought of it that way."

I smiled humorlessly. "That's because you're not nearly as big a ruthless bitch as you think you are."

A short laugh escaped from her perfectly proportioned lips. "Apparently not. He wants Jacob dead?"

I shrugged. "I dunno if it's quite that active an intent, but he certainly wouldn't weep if Jacob ended up in a casket."

She pinched the bridge of her nose. "I really hope you're wrong."

"Me, too."

"Do you plan to tell anyone?" I looked at her out of the corner of my eye. Did she know how bad that sounded? Apparently, because she continued. "I just think that it would be bad for morale. Some of your crew actually do have faith in Cerberus and the Illusive Man." I resisted the urge to pick at the "your crew" part of her statement.

I sighed. "I know. And that's the truly shitty part. That he'd throw them away just to get rid of me and a few other pains in his ass."

"And stop the Collectors, Shepard."

"Honestly, Miranda, at this point, I wonder if that would just be a happy coincidence for him."

Leaving Miranda as disturbed as I felt, I went below decks to see what had bothered my chief engineer so badly that she hadn't wanted to talk to me at the first opportunity. Since Gabby and Ken were in the mess listening to Jack, her area would be deserted except for us and Garrus.

I stepped off the elevator. "Your people are idiots!" Garrus' dual-toned voice nearly hit me in the gut. What the hell happened now?I rushed through the double doors to find him pacing in front of Tali who had a tight grip on her engineering console. His voice lower he continued as if he hadn't heard me come in. "If they actually think you're a traitor, they've already turned their back on you!"

The way he dropped his voice usually gave me the good kind of chills. This tone sent a warning note straight down my spine. "Traitor!" The word exploded out of my mouth before I could stop it. Garrus spun on his heel and Tali's head jerked up from where she was studying the deck plating. "Tali, what the hell is going on?"

Her shoulders slumped. The whole story tumbled out of her mouth about her father and defunct geth parts and treason to the quarian fleet. I felt my stomach twist as she told me everything. Garrus stopped pacing and came to stand beside me. Oddly, I felt a little more solid with him there, my stomach more stable. I filed that observation away for later. We both leaned on the railing, our arms touching, listening to our friend describe the hell she was in. I held up a hand and interrupted her. "Tali, there's no question about it. We'll find the fleet and get this taken care of. You are not a traitor. You don't have it in you. At all." I tried to put every last bit of my faith in her in my voice. It rather sucked to be declared a traitor. And delusional. And crazy. And easily-manipulated.

"I-" She took a deep breath. "Thank you, Shepard. I was prepared to try to book passage on the next available ship, but... I'm glad you'll be there to help me." She looked at Garrus. "Both of you."

Garrus glanced down at me and then over at Tali, "That's what friends are for, right? Helping each other through crap like this?"

She gave a sound suspiciously like a hiccup and nodded. "You're right. Thank you both."

Garrus ducked his head. "Don't look at me. I'm just here for moral support." I think he blushed.

Tali and I both chuckled. "Maybe you can yell at the Admiralty board for me."

He shook his head. Did he shift so he was closer to me? I resisted the urge to lace my fingers with his. Mustn't be obvious."Nah, that's Shepard's job. Look, everyone's upstairs eating, you want to join us?"

She shook her head. "No, I've got some work to do and I wouldn't be very good company anyways. I'm too worried."

"I hate being the only dextro at dinner."

I couldn't really track her eyes, but I got the feeling she looked pointedly at where we were touching along the sides of our bodies. "Somehow I don't think that's actually a problem for you anymore."

To my surprise, he didn't actually move away. His neck was definitely turning blue, though. I nudged him with my elbow and grinned at Tali, nodding my head in her direction. "Feeling tense?"

He rubbed the back of his neck. "Heh, um. I'll -" I raised an eyebrow. "I, um. I'll save you a seat in the mess. I need to talk to you anyway." Tali laughed as he beat a hasty retreat out of engineering. I didn't laugh, just smiled bigger and shook my head. I wondered what he needed to talk to me about.

"It's good to see you smile, Shepard." I looked back at her and tilted my head. "You haven't done that a lot lately. Garrus said you hadn't really laughed since Horizon. I'm glad he made you smile." She sighed. "I understand why Kaidan did what he did. I'm no fan of Cerberus either, but I gave you the benefit of the doubt."

I felt the smile fall off my lips thinking about Kaidan and how much he still made my stomach hurt. "Sometimes, Tali, no matter how much two people care for one another, they just can't resolve their differences. If you couldn't bring yourself to join me, I'd have understood for the same reasons. If Garrus had gotten off at the first port after we patched him back up, I'd have understood. I'm in bed with the Devil to stop Hell from taking over the galaxy. Had you told me before I died that I'd do this, I'd have broken your jaw. But those colonists. Freedom's Progress scared me and Horizon really opened my eyes. And terrified the hell out of me. And not because of Kaidan. Those people were aware of what was happening to them, Tali."

"I know. Veetor said pretty much the same thing when we took him home. But to see that and to accuse you of being a part of it? I - well, I can only think Kaidan didn't know you very well."

I smiled, sadly. "I'm not sure either of us knew the other well."

She jerked her head in the direction Garrus had disappeared. "Just don't break this one's heart. And he'd better not break yours. I don't want to be in the middle of some messy extranet vid soap opera."

"Is that an order?" I laughed.

"You bet your ass, Shepard." She turned back to her console. "Now, go have dinner. I can hear your stomach growling from here. I'll grab something later. I promise."

I walked over and put my hand on her shoulder. She turned her head toward me. "You'd better. I can't have my chief engineer fainting from hunger."

"Is that an order?"

"You bet your ass."

I wandered back up to the crew deck and found Kasumi actually telling a story this time, and Jack actually paying attention. Thane met my eyes and smiled briefly at me before looking at the thief again. I didn't see Garrus at the table, so I headed for the main battery. He'd said he'd wanted to talk to me. I put my hands to my stomach, suddenly terrified he would turn me down. Well, then, Shepard, you'll put your big girl panties on and remember he's your friend and an alien and a rejection of sex isn't the end of your friendship. Just means he couldn't figure it out, either. Oddly, that didn't make me feel a whole lot better.
I guess he heard me on the metal walkway because the door cycled open. He stood in front of his console, leaning against it, waiting on me. I nearly jumped at the sound of the door closing behind me. "Shepard, I -"

"Garrus, we -" We were apparently going to try to talk at the same time. We both laughed and I went to stand next to him.

He looked at me, waiting. "What if the Illusive Man gave me all the dossiers he did because he either wanted you and the others dead or saw you as a threat to humanity or to Cerberus itself." I cleared my throat. "You went after Cerberus a time or two on Omega, right?"

"Probably." I could see he was thinking. Analyzing variables, calculating strategies and tactics. "I don't really see how it matters, though. We don't intend to oblige him by dying anyway, right?"

"Good point. Just thought I'd let you know what I was thinking." He nodded. "We were going to have dinner?"

He glanced away. "I, um, couldn't eat. Not after that. And I've been thinking about our conversation. Blowing off steam, easing tension. I've.. never considered cross-species intercourse." He paused and shook his head. "And damn. Saying it that way doesn't help, now I feel all dirty and clinical."

I crossed my arms and raised one eyebrow. "You're making me feel like a cat in heat." And now we get to what was really bothering him. I tried not to brace myself for the rejection.

He blinked. "I don't even know what that means. But I gather it's not good. And that's not what I wanted to do." He sighed and started pacing. "Are we crazy to be thinking about this? Look, Shepard, Meghan... I know you can find something a little closer to home. I mean... what about you and... Kaidan? Unless you just want a one-time thing?"

My stomach twisted. I resisted the urge to punch a bulkhead. "I'm pretty sure he dumped me on Horizon, Garrus. Even if he didn't, I can't have a relationship with someone who doesn't trust me. Who I can't trust. I don't want someone closer to home. I want you."

His cheekplates flicked out then pressed back against his jawline. "I - You're sure?"

I stared at him. Did he not trust me after all? Trust that I knew my own heart, or what I wanted? Or was this Omega backing up on him, making him doubt himself? I pointed to the crate in the corner. "Sit." He looked from me to the crate, shrugged one shoulder and sat. He put his hands on his thighs and looked at me with one eyebrow ridge raised, challenging me.

I walked over and put his hands on my hips, watching his face, carefully. He looked at his hands, his cheekplates fluttering uncertainly, and looked up at my face. "This would be easier without your armor." I told him, straddling his hips and sitting on his lap, facing him.

I felt his gloved hands twitch against my hips. "I'd be cold in here without my armor. What are you doing, Shepard?"

"Making a point." I put my hands on either side of his face and pressed my lips to his. They were firmer than human lips, but not as hard as they looked. He froze, but then I felt his hands slide up my back, holding me closer. I touched my tongue against his lips and it was hard to tell through the armor, but I think he shivered. I leaned back to look at him. "How was that?"

He gave me the turian version of a grin. "That was a kiss?"

"Yes." I looked at him sidelong, waiting.

"I don't know, Commander. I may need another test. For science, of course."

I grinned back. "Of course." He tightened his arms around me and I touched my lips to his again. I jerked a little in surprise when I felt his rough tongue against my mouth. But I smiled a little and touched mine to his. I shivered at the shock that ricocheted throughout my system. I'd never felt anything like this before. I had to avoid his teeth, true, but he was gentle and helped keep them away from my tongue. He tasted vaguely sweet, but dry. He pulled me closer and I ended up on my knees on the crate, his hands supporting my ass, all to get around the cowl of his armor.

I finally pulled back, needing air and feeling my thighs objecting to the awkward position. I tried to ignore the fact that I was trembling from more than muscle fatigue. "So, did you get enough data?" I think his neck had turned faintly blue.

"Spirits! Shepard is all human kissing like this?"

I grinned and sat back down on his lap. I didn't comment on the fact that he hadn't moved his hands from my ass. "Usually. Lips are one of the most sensitive places on our bodies."

He looked puzzled at that. "Really? What else -?" He caught my steady look. "Oh." The grin was back.

"Feel better now?"

"Yes. Much. I'll um, find some music. Do some research to figure out how this should work."

I shrugged. "I'm sure we'll figure it out, Garrus. I think we just demonstrated that."

He laughed. "It'll either be a night to treasure, or a horrible, interspecies awkwardness thing."

I cupped the side of his face without the bandage. I didn't want to hurt him. "As long as we're still friends, no matter how it turns out."

He nodded. "Of course. And, if it goes terribly wrong, fighting the collectors will be a welcome distraction. A win either way." I had to laugh.

I rested my hands on his shoulders and everywhere but at his face. "You know, Garrus, if you're not comfortable with this, it's okay. I'm not trying to pressure you." Considering his hands hadn't moved from my ass, I didn't figure I was pressuring him in any way he didn't like, but I wanted to be sure.

He lifted my chin and gave me a frank look from under his eyebrow ridges. "Shepard, you're about the only friend I've got left in this whole screwed up galaxy." His hands moved up to my waist, almost tentatively. Was that an erogenous zone for turians or something? I wanted him to keep them on my ass. "I'm not going to pretend I have a fetish for humans." One of his hands reached up and twined a lock of hair that had escaped around his fingers. And I could have sworn his eyes went to my breasts. Yeah. Right."But this isn't about that. This is about us." That hand still on my waist moved to my lower back. He kept twisting the lock of hair around his fingers, not pulling, just threading it through, gently. "You don't ever have to worry about making me uncomfortable. Nervous, yes... but never uncomfortable."

"I make you nervous?"

"Constantly." He sounded almost absent as he watched the curl curve around his fingers. I smiled and pulled the hairpins out and put them on EDI's shelf. My hair fell down halfway to my back.

"On the battlefield, or in here?" He yanked his glove off.

"Both." He trailed his fingers through the ends of my hair. This somehow now seemed more intimate than kissing him had. I fought hard to repress a shiver. He tilted his head up to meet my eyes.

"When should I book the room?" I asked.

"Now?" He let out a breath and stopped playing with my hair. He dropped his hands back to my hips and held my gaze. "Actually, I'd wait. If you're okay with it. Disrupt the crew as little as possible. And take that last chance to find the calm just before the storm."

"You really want to wait?" I asked, raising up to press my lips against his again.

"My professionalism says yes. The rest of me is telling me I'm crazy." He shrugged. "But, you know me. I always like to savor that last shot before popping the heat sink." I pressed my lips together to keep from giggling again. His eyes widened. "Wait. That metaphor went somewhere horrible."

I collapsed against his cowl and laughed helplessly. "Nah, that wasn't horrible. I needed a good laugh." The situation with Tali hung unspoken between us. I gave him another quick kiss and climbed off him. "You going to come to dinner?"

He glanced at his console then at me. "Might as well." His voice turned wry. "I'm in a great place to optimize firing algorithms right now."