CHAPTER 25 - YEARNING

Four weeks later…..

I sat staring into space, my mind wandering again. Once more he was in my thoughts, he always was, and all I thought about and I couldn't even forget about him not even for a moment. I yawned, stretching my arms above my head in an attempt to refocus on the task in hand. Staring down at my books sprawled across the desk in front of me. But I felt completely disinterested in studying; there was a time when I actually enjoyed that, remembering …..It seemed like such a long time ago now, the person I used to be; the little bookworm, insignificant and unknown to many. Not anymore.

Everyone certainly knew who I was now

I pulled a face to myself, glad that no one was around to witness as I sat alone in the Library.

Elbow leaning on the table I rested my head in my hand and sighed, allowing myself a moment to wallow on Fred and my pathetic life, maybe if I did so then I would actually be able to concentrate on school work for 10 minutes!

I missed Fred so much, I couldn't believe it. Life's pretty ironic, especially mine. The way things twisted around making all you hate become all you love. Without Fred in my life it just felt empty and although I still had my loyal friends Sophie and Bobby forever by my side I felt desperately alone.

Four weeks had passed and Fred Weasley had still not returned to Hogwarts. Four weeks without seeing him, feeling him, arguing with him. I felt a smile cross my lips thinking of our jousts.

Many things had happened since the last time Fred and I were together. That night after he was found by George and brought to the Hospital Wing, all the Weasley siblings were sent home. Fred was still gravely ill and nobody really knew what was going to happen to him. His sister and brothers were to remain with their parents while Fred was treated at St. Enoch's Infirmary. I didn't even get to say goodbye to George, everything happened so suddenly.

The following day the whole school was a buzz about Fred and I, our secret affair and the aftermath of the broken hearted champion Quidditch player's revenge. It was all anyone wanted to talk about, each adding their own little spin on the details. Everyone finally knew the truth about Fred and I, that part was never left out. But I no longer cared, I just cared about Fred. The fact he nearly died put my worries into perspective. It was in a way a relief that everyone knew now. I could stop hiding from who I really was and face up to myself. But that didn't stop me though from avoiding the gossipers. I wasn't ready for that yet. So I decided to keep a low profile until things died down.

Apparently it was true about Ernie handing himself in….a little too late if you ask me. He confessed everything he'd done and how he protected his friends after they attacked Fred. Dumbledore was furiously angry. The Hufflepuff boys who'd all participated in the physical assault; Owen, Kevin and Zach were immediately expelled. I later discovered they had all been enrolled to the Durmstrang Institute by their families in order to straighten them out. Dumbledore had been more lenient with Ernie for not being directly involved in the attack itself and having no prior knowledge of it. He was therefore suspended until the end of the school year and would not be permitted to return until after the summer. I felt relieved that I wouldn't have to see him anytime soon but I knew I should have been honest with Ernie from the start and none of it would have happened, for that I was guilty of and it was right that he shouldn't be expelled, though I would never forgive him for letting Fred lie out in the Forest all that time knowing the truth. And I knew he would never forgive me for leading him on when I never loved him.

I had received an Owl a few days after Fred's arrival at St. Enochs. It was from George. He told me that Fred was out of danger but still had a long way to go. He hinted that it may be some time until he would be fit enough to return to Hogwarts and his family were in no rush for that. There was no mention of any message from Fred. I hadn't wanted to read too much into it at the time as he was still far from well and recovering from his injuries.

Two weeks later I discovered Ginny and Ron had returned to school, I sought them out immediately for some news. But all they told me was that Fred was doing well and was now at home being cared for by his mother. George had decided to remain with him and taken some leave from school. Again there was no message from Fred, not even from George. There were no more owls.

I was beginning to feel frozen out and it felt awful. Was it his family or Fred himself? Had all the things that had happened caused Fred to have a change of heart? Did he blame me for the brutal attack he'd received? Could he not forgive me for running away and leaving him in the Forest? Or was it Fred's family. Did they feel I was going to create more upset and drama for Fred and planned to keep him away from me to discourage him? So many questions swirled around my head these days and I was becoming completely paranoid. I couldn't think of much else. My school work had suffered and my grades had fallen; therefore my reason for being in the Library to try and do something about that.

Looking at my surroundings all I could think of was Fred, remembering what this place was to us…it's where it all began.

I sighed deeply and glared at my undone work. I felt tired and alone. I was beginning to retreat back into that shell of mine. Avoiding everyone was becoming a routine I was very comfortable with. The Great Hall being the one place I avoided above all others. Resorting to eating at weird times so I didn't have an audience, seeing people point and whisper at you does nothing for your appetite. The fact my clothes were a little looser these days told me that. It also didn't help that lots of the boys, especially the Slytherin boys had been giving me lots of double looks these days as they passed me. Being known to have been involved with Fred Weasley meant in Hogwarts that you were no virgin. He'd had a long list of conquests and all of them popular girls. So you can imagine their curiosity when it came too little old me. The rumours surrounding our secret affair meant their imaginations were running riot. What had this girl done with Fred for him to declare his love for her? You can imagine their sordid little minds…I of course was mortified. Nobody was going to ever believe that I was a virgin. Even Victoria Verona was giving me questioning looks.

"Ugh" I moaned.

I screwed my face up at the books before me. Slamming one shut dramatically.

"I can't concentrate on anything" I whined aloud.

Then I pushed a book away from me and it slid across the polished wood, fell off the end and landed with a thud as it hit the floor.

"Good one Claudia" I lectured to myself and then sighed again.

I went rigid suddenly and straightened up. I had the overwhelming feeling I was being watched and I turned my head quickly to survey the empty Library. …. There was no one, looking behind me suspiciously to discover nothing, not a soul.

I felt weird. I didn't feel alone!

"Is anyone here?" I asked out timidly. I waited for a response….but there was no reply just silence.

Feeling stupid and spooked I decided it was time to gather my belongings and head back to my dormitory. As I approached the door I had one last look. All was quiet. I shook my head thinking I was going mad.

Arriving back at Hufflepuff I climbed the stairs from the common room and reached my room. Opening the door I got the biggest shock at the sight that lay before me. Sophie was with Bobby, on her bed….making out! I stood there with my mouth hanging open and dropped a couple of books. Both looked up in surprise and when they saw me they scrambled to their feet.

"Oh Claudia, oh….I'm so sorry ….I …didn't want you to find out like this" stuttered Sophie as I watched her adjusting her top and running her hand through her hair.

"Your…..you both are …..Together?" I asked a little confused. "Why didn't you guys tell me?"

"Sorry Claudia, it's not that we didn't want you to know" cut in a sheepish looking Bobby.

"It's just that we didn't want to rub our relationship in your face while you were missing Fred, is all" finished Sophie.

'Already finishing off each other's sentences' I thought to myself as I raised my eyebrows.

"Don't be silly you guys" I said as I sat on my bed staring at them both. "I've always thought that you two should be together, I just never imagined that you actually….. would" I admitted slightly amused.

Sophie looked relieved at my reaction. Walking over she sat next to me on my bed.

"Thought you'd be mad" she nudged. "For not telling you"

"Hey I'm the last person who should be mad at people for keeping secrets" I confessed and nudged her back.

We both smiled at each other.

"Guess I'll leave you too to talk girl things" shrugged Bobby.

"Hey Bobby" I called out after him as he headed for the door. He turned his head back to look at me.

"Now this is more like it"I smiled as I pointed to Sophie who started giggling. "Definitely the girl for you"

He gave me a grin and left abruptly with a red glow to his cheeks.

"Hey you, how you doing, you didn't stay in the Library too long?" queried Sophie.

"Yeah I know"I joked as I pointed towards her messy bed. "When did this all start?"

"The weekend we stayed at my parents, we had a heart to heart one night and stayed up really late, somehow a hug turned into a kiss. When we got back we decided to start quietly seeing each other. So much was happening with you, we didn't want to complicate things by being couplely when you needed us" admitted Sophie.

"Look, I'm fine. Don't let my sucky life ruin your love life. Its time I started to get on with things and start facing people. I can't carry on like this. My grades are suffering!"

"Well come to breakfast in the Great Hall with Bobby and I like we used to. Let's just forget about everyone else. Hardly anyone's spoken about what happened in ages."

"Okay" I agreed. "Time for a fresh start I can't live in limbo forever"

The next morning was a bright sunny Saturday. The thought of a day without classes was an instant pick me up. Sophie was up early and had ordered me to meet her in the Great Hall at 10am for breakfast. She was off to canoodle with Bobby no doubt for a couple of hours. So I lay in enjoying my long lie.

Eventually dragging myself from bed, I got washed and dressed and slowly made my way to meet my friends. Walking up to the huge double doors I could smell juicy sausages, smoky bacon, pancakes and waffles…my tummy rumbled as I realised how hungry I was. I entered and glanced around the room at all the students. Their familiar collective little groups, gathered together like packs all over the hall. Noticing Sophie and Bobby in their usual spot I began making my way over to them. But as I strolled across the hall I noticed people stopping half way through their conversations to stare at me.

"Guess they've not forgotten after all" I thought.

I was still very much the topic of gossip. I tried to shrug it off because I was determined to have breakfast with my two best friends. Approaching them I was confused to see them both staring at me the same way as everyone else. Quite alarmed, I sat down next to them swiftly to ask them what the hell was going on.

"What is it?" I whispered frantically to Sophie as people nearby turned around to give me quick stares.

Sophie leaned in close to whisper in my ear but before she did so she grabbed my hand and held it.

"He's back….Claudia…Fred's returned to Hogwarts!"

I didn't react at all, just stared at her blankly. Turning I glanced around the room to see people analysing me.

"What?" I asked her as if nothing she'd said had been heard.

"Fred's back! He returned with George last night. The whole school has been talking about it."

I felt my stomach start to go and the familiar feeling of somersaults began, as it turned over and over, my heart started to beat faster and faster and all I could do was stare at Sophie with my eyes wide and my mind tried to process what she was saying.

"You're sure?" I asked my voice a little squeaky.

"Yes, I'm a hundred percent sure Claudia" She gave me a worried look. "Are you alright?"

"No, I'm not okay..." whispering

I felt suddenly overcome with nerves. "He's back?" I asked again.

She just nodded at me.

"Why hasn't he come to see me? He didn't even let me know he was coming back?" I freaked as quietly as possible.

"Maybe he's not had a chance Claudia, you don't know, it could be a number of reasons…."

"No, he…..he, doesn't like me anymore. I know it. He's back and I've heard nothing. It's going to go back to the way it was before with us, he hates me" overcome with panic.

"Claudia, pull yourself together, you know nothing, I know nothing…..nobody knows nothing!" Bobby lectured.

"No, I …..I have a feeling. I just know it. He doesn't even know how I truly feel about him. The last time we spoke we were fighting. When I told him my true feelings he was lying unconscious in a fucking hospital bed!"

"Okay, okay" said Sophie trying to hush me. "Deep breaths Claudia, your just having a little panic attack because you're nervous. Stop being paranoid and have some heather tea" shoving her mug towards me.

I stared at it and tried to do as she asked, trying to calm myself down. Rubbing my face with my hands I looked at Sophie who patted my back reassuringly.

"This is a good thing…." she said."He's back Claudia. He's well. You'll get to see him again and sort everything out. George will have told him what happened and how you feel about him"

"If that was the case then why hasn't he been in touch?" I asked her pessimistically.

"Uh oh" muttered Bobby under his breath and we both turned to look at him but Bobby's eye's were focused on the entrance. Sophie and I followed his gaze and I took in a sharp breath when I saw him.

Fred had entered the Great Hall with George by his side. They were both surrounded by a small huddle of his friends, all making their way to a nearby table. I sighed and my heart leapt at the sight of him. He looked well, his beautiful face was free of the awful swelling and bruises that had marred his skin when I last saw him. I think I'd actually forgotten how handsome he really was, his soft, long red hair hung around his face reaching just above his shoulders, noticing that it seemed to have grown a little longer. His full lips I longed to kiss, his chiselled cheekbones, his strong shoulders and athletic body. He looked so healthy, like none of it had ever happened. They all sat down at the table and all I could do was stare at Fred. Then George caught my eye, he was looking at me but gave away nothing. He didn't seem to acknowledge me but instead leaned over to whisper something in his brother's ear.

Fred raised his head to look at his brother, then he turned slowly and his deep dark eyes fell upon me and he stared right into mine. His gaze so penetrating that I felt he could read my thoughts in that moment. His face was blank of expression but his eyes bore into mine and all I could do was give him a questioning look.

"Oh Fred, Fred, Fred" I thought. "Oh I love you, I want you….what's going on?" my mind raced.

But he just continued to stare at me. He didn't smile, didn't acknowledge me, and just stared. There was no sign of him coming over either. I began to panic again and unable to hold his gaze any longer I broke from it and turned to Sophie.

"I can't do this….he hates me!" I sobbed and I jumped up and ran out of the Great Hall as fast as I could.