The Q Must Be Crazy II
Part 25
Sex Ed 101 for Kathy:
Kathryn Has a Problem
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Nine days flew by yet paradoxically seemed to take forever at the same time. Kathryn was aware that Chakotay was about to disembark from Voyager. She imagined Chakotay abandoned and alone on a strange planet. An image of him, older with a wild beard and tattered clothing, haunted her. He was too gregarious to be sentenced to that fate.
She thought about the consequences of her actions: after this day she would never see him again and she would never know of his fate, except in persistent visions of a lost man.
Would she be able to live with herself if this is what she did to him? Could she look at herself in the mirror, or would she become the first Starship Captain to end up as a withered husk of her former self in some Starfleet care facility, assuming they got home. She was heading in that direction, she knew.
She sat in her quarters, running scenarios over in her mind as she had for several weeks. Those interminable weeks went by swiftly at the same time. Those fast forward times that seemed to exist in ticks of seconds.
Chakotay's words. Tuvok's recommendations. She could not bear any of it, but every word, every recrimination bubbled up in her mind and repeated again and again.
One solution would be to imprison him, to hold him on her Starship. Keep him in the brig, as her prisoner. In any case, she had to stop him from leaving. But, no one would allow her to take that action, even if she claimed that he was not in his right mind. Was she in her right mind?
She refused the Doctor's attentions outright, threatening to decompile his program herself if he tried to touch her. She had already stepped down from duty, so his holographic hands were tied. The only crewmember she allowed to see her was Tuvok; he would not defy her wishes.
She looked up and saw a woman standing above her. At first, she thought the disapproving figure was a hallucination, or projection of her own guilt. Perhaps Chakotay's visions were contagious or caused by a spatial anomaly or interstellar phenomenon, the same old same old.
The self-assured feisty red head folded her arms across her midsection, shaking her head in disgust and looking as if she was about to scold an errant child.
"Hello, Sweetie Dahhling," she said with disdain. "You are I are going to have a little discussion. Correction. I am going to speak and you are going to listen — and obey!"
"Get off my ship, Q! Or Mrs. Q," Kathryn said weakly through parched lips.
"You know, you look absolutely horrible," she purred. "So, you can be too rich and too thin, and you haven't got the first one, honey. Mmm. We have a little problem, my pet. Now let's see, where to begin…."
"Are you having man problems again, Q?" Kathryn shot.
She scoffed and laughed a fake 'ha ha ha'.
"You, my dear…what is that you do? Star something Captain or something?" she slurred. "You little Miss are in no position to make commentary about that particular issue or any issue regarding getting and keeping a man. And, yes, I did say "Miss". It's spelled S-P-I-N-S-T-E-R".
Kathryn looked down for a split second and then brought her chin up defiantly.
"Rejected him again? What is it? Protecting your virginity? Oh, mmm…let's see, can't be that one."
"Leave me alone," Kathryn resorted, her grief dulling her ability to defend herself. If there was a defense.
"Your virtue?" she asked, pulling her words like Thurston Howell, the Third. "No, can't be that one either!"
"I won't continue this discussion."
"Do you have any idea what you've put my poor husband through with your nonsense? It's ghastly!"
"Your husband? What are you droning on about?" Kathryn demanded, not interested in tackling another Q.
"Still, he did look cute in that gaucho get up, don't you think? Oh, you don't remember that! Of course not. You're so limited, what with living in only one timeline. Pity. I'll have to take a tiny moment to show you that hot little number. Priceless!" Mrs. Q oozed.
"I'm in no mood for this!"
"Yes. Yes you are!" Mrs. Q leveled. "Now, let's see. Where to begin? When my husband got involved, he thought he could do a good deed where you were concerned. He's always looking after his Starfleet pets that way. But, then, well, he, as he often does, got tempted. He does have a short attention span; only one or two millennia."
"I have no idea what you're talking about," Kathryn said, pulling a damp washcloth over her gaunt features. "Q has not been seen here since…"
Kathryn thought about her wild theory. She thought, for some reason, Q might be involved with Chakotay's odd behavior.
"Oh! Now she gets it! Yes, my husband is living inside your man. The only trouble is my dearest one, well…shall we say, he messed things up between you and Chapolee. Q simply got carried away and had a few lapses in judgment. Nothing major."
"What does this have to do with Cha-ko-tay?" she emphasized the pronunciation.
"I know you only have a flicker of existence, but do you think you could pay attention for a split second. I'm getting to that!
"So the Q Continuum decided he would live inside Chakotay until he won your heart. But, if you continued to refuse him, Q would live inside your Chakotay for the rest of his life."
"What?"
"Frankly, I don't see the point. It really is a cruel and unnecessary action! Not even Q the Terrible received such a punishment and he instantly and irrevocably turned an entire galaxy into a mirrored ornament in some garish dance establishment in your Earth's 1970's. It was pretty though."
"Your husband does have a way with people," Kathryn deadpanned.
"That he does. No argument here," Mrs. Q agreed. "Are you…" she put her hands up and shook her head, making a face. "Are you perhaps getting this now, or do I need to draw colorful pictures and put on a puppet show?"
"Poor Chakotay!" Kathryn burst.
"What? Poor Q is more like it! Be that as it may, it appears that there is only one course of action, my dear: You're getting married toot sweet! That's French, deeh-er."
"No it isn't!" Kathryn thought for a moment. "I suppose we could get married and then have an annulment."
"Do you know what 'married' means? Did you get the part about now and forever, 'till death do us part, etc. etc. Did you miss the training film that day?"
Suddenly images started flickering against a wall as if from an old style movie projector from the mid-20th century. Scratches and dust ran throughout the grainy black and white images as the rattle of the ancient projector began its sputter. Kathryn saw herself, dressed in 1950's Earth apparel, getting up from a wooden desk in a high school classroom, which bore Starfleet Academy emblems. A narrator told the story in a booming voice but with tones garbled by the age of the film.
"This is Kathryn Janeway. Kathryn is a Starship Captain for Starfleet, a position she worked long and hard to attain. She is dedicated to her ship and her crew, but Kathryn has a problem."
"This is Chakotay. Chakotay is descended from a race of humans nearly wiped out by immigrants who invaded their part of the Earth. Finally, these Native people traveled to the stars, and founded their own planet. Sadly, intruders also invaded their new home.
"Chakotay set off on a vain quest to right a wrong and save what remained of his home. Kathryn's orders were to find him and bring him to justice for defying Starfleet.
"Chakotay also has a problem.
"When Chakotay and Kathryn met, something wonderful happened to them. On first sight, they both fell hopelessly in love, but Kathryn's devotion to false ideals prevented them from the next natural step..."
"Should I stop?" Mrs. Q asked Kathryn who was stunned to silence. "I can also show you the basic training about what a man and woman do when they meet and fall in love…" she smirked suggestively. "I'm very fond of that one!"
"No!" Kathryn burst. "That will not be necessary."
"I like you, Kathy. But, you are one of the most obstinate beings I have ever encountered!"
tbc
Oh for some V'ger clipsWhat a YouTube that would all make!
Gawd, I crack me up! Thanks for your support and encouragement. I appreciate hearing from people very much! Stick around! This get's nuttier!
Oh Paramount! You didn't have a clue what you had, did you! Bwah ha!