Unsurprisingly, most of Jack and Cave's journey to the Lowee docks was done in silence. Cave sat in the commander's seat with a headset on, silently looking at all the switches and screens that surrounded her. Jack was driving in the seat beneath. He had a headset on, and was glaring miserably ahead at the Lowee street as the tank rumbled forward at a slow speed, so as to abide by traffic laws. There were already two police cars either side of the Challenger, front and back, so Jack wasn't worried about inadvertently crushing a Prius, both because of the police cars setting his pace, and because he didn't like anybody who drove a Prius.
After about twenty minutes of watching the man struggle and slip on ice and gradually become more upset, Cave felt sorry for Jack and helped him get onto the tank. Whilst that somewhat cheered him up, he was still pissed off that he didn't get to shoot the N-Gears out of Josh, Luke, James, Neptune, Noire, and Chaz's hands before they had recorded him repeatedly falling off an ice-covered metal-plated vehicle for almost half an hour. He was certain that video was posted to UniTube, and was probably all over the internep, by that point.
Cave couldn't help but look down at her large male companion rather sympathetically. She'd come all the way to Lowee to keep looking after him, and the first thing that happens is that she ends up needing to help him into his own vehicle after he publicly humiliated himself. Not only that, but apparently he was being forced to have a holiday by the CPUs because he'd overworked himself, banning him from fighting monsters, and meaning that he looked bored, sad, and tired, all at once.
Cave knew the feeling; She had been given similar instructions. She wasn't allowed to do any monster fighting or RRoD work for another month, but she still had the job of keeping an eye on her Earth-human charges. Thus, she decided that the best course of action would be to take their massive armoured vehicle and ram it through several cave systems on her way to Lowee. Thankfully, she arrived on time.
As the police officers guided them onto the boat that would take them to Planeptune, Cave dreaded to think what would have happened if she hadn't arrived on time.
Then she did think about it, her cold stare wandering over the many dials and levers that the operator of an armoured artillery vehicle would have to learn the functions of. If she didn't arrive on time, she wouldn't have been surprised if Mr. Glovebox had just walked to the docks to the ferry, even through the biting frost and windchill of the Lowee night.
Heck, it wouldn't have particularly amazed her if he decided to go the entire journey on foot.
But...she'd arrived on time, and that was all that really had any relevance, right?
Though she really couldn't help but feel sorry for him. At first, nobody knew who he was. Then in Leanbox, he became a household name for his heroic deeds and acidic tongue of a robbery night, and the warm heart of the speech he gave. Then, in Lowee, he did nearly nothing for his image except (allegedly) go on a rant about how his home country was awful, which a few people heard. Then, in Planeptune, he visited a public bath. Cave remembered that quite well: His normally pompous and aggressive behaviour suddenly disappeared whenever he was wearing less than normal. That, combined with the CCTV footage of him getting changed that got leaked for a few minutes, seriously began affecting his popularity.
Of course, then you had the villages that he and Uni caused some damage to, then the nightclub shootout which ended in a mass murder and her own hospitalization, and more recently was the image of him sleeping with Uni.
And now, to further smash his public image, his own friends had recorded him failing to enter a tank in icy conditions. Likely, it was already a viral hit.
Speaking of hit things, Cave decided to see if Mr. Glovebox's ego was intact. She cleared her throat, and moved the microphone nearer to her mouth. "Mr. Glovebox?" There was silence over the muffled roar of the tank's engine. Finally, a voice crackled in over the headset.
"Yeah?"
"Are you...feeling OK?"
"Physically, no. Psychologically, no. Egotistically, no. Why?"
"Mr. Glovebox, it'll be OK. At most, the recordings made by the others will only end up as memes."
"Memes are fuckin' cancerous. I hope they all up and fuckin' well die."
"Memes are images and videos on the internep. You can't kill the-"
"I meant them lot. Who the fuck do they think they are, forcin' me to have time off and then recordin' it when they see that I'm not used to it? Fuckin' cunts. Given the chance, I'd turn this tank around and turn that basilicom into a pile of rubble with everyone inside."
Everyone? Ouch. He clearly wasn't thinking straight.
Cave thought for a moment and spoke again. "But would that not hurt the Lastation CPU candidate?"
There was silence.
"...y-yeah...yeah, it...it would." After another moment of silence, wherein Cave watched the large male driver sitting behind the steering controls and rubbing his forehead, he suddenly yelled loudly and began hammering his fist on the console, eliciting loud slamming noises that rang around the cabin over the engine noise. "Chika was right! Son of a fuckin' BITCH! WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME LATELY?!" Cave removed her headphones briefly, wincing at the volume of his voice. She doubted that she even needed the headset to have heard that.
Though, as she put them back on, she didn't say a word. What could she say? He'd started acknowledging that he was being irrational and violent over things. In fact, he seemed upset by it. Was she meant to go "Well done for realizing you're a psycho?" There was nothing she would be able to say to him that would calm him down.
So what could she do?
Sighing, she withdrew her N-Gear, and sent a message to the person who knew Jack better than anybody else, and who shared a vaguely similar mindset to him in that the best solution to anything causing a problem is to turn its head into wallpaper paste.
Oracle Hakozaki's response was as to-the-point as Cave had expected from the second in command of an entire country.
Chika: ffs cave, i'm taking a shit, why are you texting me?
You: TMI. Sorry to bother you, but London is being rather miserable and he appears to be having a mental crisis.
Chika: apparently the cpus made him have a holiday and he's not taking it well. how bad is he?
You: We've taken the Challenger to ride in on the way to Planeptune's basilicom. He just threatened to blow up the Lowee basilicom using said tank, with everyone inside the basilicom dying.
Chika: k, first, remind him that if anything happens to lady vert, i'm going to violently rape and kill him in no particular order
You: .-.
Chika: second, he's already got a psychological exam lined up with miss histoire in planeptune. make sure he goes to that or he might have another breakdown and you'll be the one having to calm him down
You: Understood. Is there anything else?
Chika: yeah, there is. gimme a sec, just gonna wipe my ass real quick
Chika: k. he's apparently staying with this Nurse called Compa. I've seen a picture of her with lady purple heart, and i'll admit, she's pretty adorable. when you get the chance, pull her aside and tell her that if none of the things you say to him are calming him down, you two should run up, knock him to the floor, and snuggle him
You: OK. Why is this?
Chika: well, i hugged him when he had a mental breakdown the night he came back from the club incident. he calmed down a LOT. like, he smiled, and everything. worked then, would probably work now
You: I will try. What does this 'Compa' girl being adorable have to do with anything?
Chika: i ain't gonna lie, but i think he calmed down because he realized that something really adorable was hugging him. that means two of you would need to hug him to have the same effect that my hug did
You: OK.
Chika: alright. will that be all, cave?
She thought for a minute, checking the small window in front of her to see where the tank was. The hulking metal vehicle was just rolling onto the ship to take them to Planeptune, towering the other cars that were parked in the vehicle bay. Then, Cave remembered something.
You: Actually, Oracle, I have two more questions.
Chika: k
You: I heard rumours that Mr. Glovebox is designing an 'energy generator'.
Chika: really? i thought he said he was making something called the B.G.F.O.G 5000, or something
You: Hmm. I am unsure if it's true. Do you wish for me to ask him?
Chika: don't. he might get defensive.
You: OK. Additionally, if you do not mind me asking, why are you two so close?
Chika: what do you mean?
You: You two are near inseparable whenever he is in Leanbox.
Chika: yeah, and
You: I cannot gather information to confirm it, but do you mind if I attempt to guess why you two hang out so often?
Chika: go ahead, shoot
You: You two hang about together since both of you are incredibly like-minded individuals who wear green, find entertainment in needless violence, enjoy staring at large breasts, and are likely attempting to find the correct time at which to have discrete intercourse.
There was no response for several minutes. Cave began to worry. Had she gone over the line? Was Oracle Hakozaki considering firing her at that moment? The response finally came as her phone buzzed.
Chika: holy shit cave i'm fucking dying the 'staring at large breasts' thing
Chika: oh my goddess
Chika: this is the exact reason why we need to hang out more
Cave frowned.
What was the reason?
Naturally, being the cold, emotionless sociopath that she was, Cave decided to ask.
You: Is it so that you can stare at my ample chest?
Chika: cave no
Chika: nooo
Chika: that's not why
Chika: you are literally fucking killing me with your texts right now, holy shit
Cave stared blankly at her N-Gear as Chika continued messaging her and explaining that she was laughing very hard.
Meanwhile, in the driver's seat of the Challenger...
Jack switched off the engine, and leaned back in the leather seat, removing his headset and staring miserably at the roof of the driver's cabin.
What the hell was he doing?
He'd started out trying to get plants and animals for a government project.
He'd ended up working closely with four gods and solving international incidents.
But somewhere along the line, he'd turned into an emotional train wreck. He'd cried. He'd yelled. He'd reminisced over a world he wouldn't ever go back to. He'd threatened murder over people recording him falling over.
Maybe he was being an arsehole.
He felt like he should probably turn around and apologize to Cave...
Then, he paused straightening up in a moment of realization.
No.
This isn't what Captain Blazkowicz trained him to do for a whole year. He wasn't trained for loving, crying, or emotional breakdowns, or any of that utter teenage bullshit that those mouth-breathers on Instagram would post menial shite to their equally dim-witted peers.
It'd been drilled into his head for over three-hundred-and-sixty-five days...how could he forget his trainer's words?
"The line between a freedom fighter and a soldier is thin," the blonde man drawled in a thick, Southern US accent as he paced back and forth. "The freedom fighter is a man a' raw emotion. He fights for what he believes, and he'll scream and shout 'til his lungs dry up in the process of making his beliefs a reality. Some count him as a terror threat. Some count him as a hero for the ages. He counts himself as a third-party bringer a' justice." Blazko would change direction at this point. "The soldier, on the other hand, is the opposite. He's a fighter with a cold mind, cold heart, and no mercy. He'll keep going 'til he's either done his job, or he's dead. Feared by all, doesn't care who dies, and their duty comes first." The Captain looked at the group of men, women, and teens assembled in front of him. "That's why you fellas need to stay on that thin line. You want to mix powerful emotion, and merciless violence, all into one convenient package and all wrapped up with a nice lil' gun in your hands. Remember: Orders are orders, and in our business, they're normally not nice ones. But most a' the time, they don't mind you putting your own little spin on it so long as the job's done."
For a moment, Jack basked in the legendary status of the incredibly long quote that he had somehow remembered for over a year despite hearing it only once. He closed his eyes, smiled slightly, and inhaled.
Yeah. He could toe that line, just like his mentor had said he should.
Exhaling, he opened his eyes, and sat up slightly. "Fuckin' aye-aye, Cap..." he chuckled. Just then, his N-Gear buzzed in his pocket. Shifting in his seat in order to access it, he withdrew the small pink device and turned on the screen.
A message from Chika? Must have been important.
He unlocked the N-Gear as the ship's horn sounded outside, signalling that they were about to get going. That meant that he and Cave now had fourteen hours to fill, and he knew from experience that he would not try and spend that time shaving. Thus, he would probably see what Chika had messaged him over. Must have been really important for her to have sent him a text at that time of day.
Chika (Bae): holy shit dying r/n
You: what happened
Chika (Bae): i was texting cave
Chika (Bae): and she had a theory as to why we both hang out so much
Chika (Bae): hold on lemme forward it to you fuckin goddess this killed me
Chika (Bae): "You two hang about together since both of you are incredibly like-minded individuals who wear green, find entertainment in needless violence, enjoy looking at large breasts, and are likely attempting to find the correct time at which to have discrete intercourse." - Cave, Today at 21:43PM
You: AHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAH
You: HOLY SHIT
You: MAD BANTER
You: "YOU BOTH ENJOY STARING AT LARGE BREASTS"
You: MY SIDES ARE IN FUCKING ORBIT
Chika (Bae): ikr, holy shit
Chika (Bae): and lay off the fucking caps lock
You: OK, sorry. But holy. Fucking. Shit. Cave dropped that bomb harder than the ones that ended World War 2.
Chika (Bae): does she have any ground to it, tho?
You: Eh?
Chika (Bae): do you enjoy ample funbags?
You: What the fuck do you take me for, some kind of flat-chest loving degenerate?
Chika (Bae): lmao
Chika (Bae): and that's why vert is your favourite CPU, right?
You: Chika, don't start this shit again.
Chika (Bae): :(
Chika (Bae): but fam
Chika (Bae): did you not listen to her fire mixtape while you were here
You: No.
Chika (Bae): it's fucking fire
Chika (Bae): you know that one maid that normally serves us when we're on the balcony? jenny?
You: Yeah, Jenny's cool. Why?
Chika (Bae): lady vert gave her a bonus to her weekly wage if she did a whole track set
Chika (Bae): we recorded jenny on an n-gear and she started spitting mad bars in the grand hall to the tune of MC 5pb
You: No fucking way. Jenny did that?
Chika (Bae): yeah, she did a whole track where she roasted lady blanc for no fucking reason
You: kek
You: Where can I download it?
Chika (Bae): lmao, knew you'd ask
Chika (Bae): you'll have to wait, vert's getting it edited
You: Bugger. Anyway, I'm on my way to Planeptune now.
Chika (Bae): i know, cave told me
Chika (Bae): just try and find something to do in the city, planeptune's capital has a lot of stuff to see and do and buy and stuff
You: Like?
Chika (Bae): if you want my advice you should try the grand mall, they sell everything
Chika (Bae): dungeon crawling items, guns, swords, bows, spears, tech parts, consoles, games, etc.
You: Sounds great. If she's got time off, I might go with Compa.
Chika (Bae): but you never take me anywhere, tho
You: Because I'm quite frankly terrified that you might destroy your public image by accident. Plus, people are already curious about what the Oracle of a nation does behind closed doors, so if we were wandering about in town discussing memes then you'd probably get in shit.
Chika (Bae): i already get shit from local papers
You: why tho? Who would bully you?
Chika (Bae): the leanbox daily mail
You: OH OK, THAT KIND OF MAKES SENSE. We had a Daily Mail back in England and they were all pretentious arseholes as well. What do they say about you?
Chika (Bae): they keep banging on about an incident years ago where some bitch that looked like me was caught smoking a whole load of censored plants from r-18 island
Chika (Bae): when they found this woman she was high as the sky and gave my name instead of hers and nearly destroyed my political career
You: So she got caught with weed?
Chika (Bae): i think it was weed maybe but it was censored
Chika (Bae): this is a family friendly story you know, we can't just go around promoting violence, drugs and drinking
Chika (Bae): even though i feel like my dearest vert might have a huge stash of censored material in her room including hentai and weed which i discovered when i was looking for her used panties to sniff
Chika (Bae): *pandas
Chika (Bae): lmao autocorrect am i right
Jack frowned.
See, that was ANOTHER mention of it being a story. Was his entire adventure just a story?
If so, he hoped that they'd move on from the fucking filler chapters and let him shoot stuff again.