The Greatest Thing You'll Ever Learn – Chapter 25: Heart Seams

"The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return."

A/N: Depending on who you sided with during Death Note, happy anniversary of L's death! Or the converse point of view, condolences on L's death! (Although on the basis I still put an exclaimation mark after that last one, guess who's side I was on xD I have very few friends and a fixation with Nazi medical war crimes for a reason, y'know ;3). That over, *takes gulp from hipflask* we're back to TGTYEL! Who was it that followed a flustered Iruka to the bathroom? Will they attempt to comfort our fortunate/unfortunate narrator? How will Iruka respond? Will it be completely and totally predictable? Well, on the basis that I am the author and all of this just forms in my head without all that much effort because I am an enormously perverted fangirl who is rapidly losing free time to do anything but study, train – and on the side, I am gloriously uninjured this week! Yay for small kids learning control (at long bloody last D:) although being challenged to teach the green tags their next pattern in three weeks in return for learning a high level pattern is going to be fun *sweatdrops* I hate kids – study more and write you this fanfic. This is why my coffee and tea consumption has gone from about 1 cup every two days to about four cups every two hours. Thanks, guys :3 Song of the chapter is 'Speechless' by Lady GaGa. I have a feeling I may end up repeating songs :S ah well, my repertoire of non-emo/metal/not in English songs is limited, so yeah. Oooh, just found someone's FF dot net account xD My first reaction was 'OMFG WHY THE FUCK AM I HIS OC? AND WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING?' You don't want to know O.o

This is thinking/dreaming.

"Anything in italics and quotes is written stuff…kukuku…"

This is regular story.

This is author's note.

This is title

Warnings: Uh, although I know exactly how I could put a little something in here, I'm not going to because it would be out of character. Although my characters may read porn, at some point will feature in sex scenes themselves (more so than they already have…) and have sexual fantasies, they are not about to have sex randomly. Many people would put something in here, but it isn't right! Dude!

Disclaimer: As I'm sure I've mentioned a million times by now, I'm just an innocent, naïve little fangirl who knows nothing about sex. Hell, who am I kidding? Just because I'm a virgin doesn't mean I'm totally uneducated in physical pleasure xD Oh, you meant in relation to the Naruto anime and manga? Nah, that's Masashi Kishimoto's and my own perversions generally have nothing to do with it. Unless it involves yaoi.

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That I'll never talk again,

And I'll never love again,

I'll never write a song,

Won't even sing along,

I'll never love again,

So speechless,

You've left me speechless,

So speechless

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I didn't lift my eyes from the plain white ceramic sink bowl. I knew exactly who it was standing just inside the doorway, probably leaning casually against the wall, looking at me through a lidded dark eye. I knew their tone, remembered it from before, casually caring without being overly invasive. And I knew they were the person I most wanted and least wanted to see.

Out of anyone working at Konoha High, this was a worst-case scenario. Anyone else would either tactfully leave me alone or give me a consoling pat on the back, and I would force myself to pick myself up to save face. But this was bad. Not only because I had to live next door to Kakashi, but because he confused me on every level I could possibly be confused on.

"Iruka," He repeated. I stopped myself looking up. I pushed my sleeves back, running my hands under the cold tap and then rubbing the cool water over my face, as if somehow the water could wash away my embarrassment.

Once again, the sheer obsceneness of the situation struck me. I had been sitting in morning briefing, allowing myself to fantasise about sex with Kakashi. I hadn't even tried to stop myself, or at least not very hard. I shrunk inwards again, humiliated at myself. The evidence was stacked against my complete heterosexuality, considering the recent events. Not just the sex dream, but the porn, too. And the drunken thing. And pretty much everything since Kakashi had shown up for his first day at work.

"Iruka? Are you in there?" In my identity-based conflict, I hadn't noticed Kakashi move to stand directly behind me, and I jumped a little when I felt his hand on my shoulder. Concern had leaked into his voice, but I couldn't bring myself to look at him. It was too humiliating.

"No," I said bluntly, forcing myself to look up. Immediately, I knew it was a mistake. I looked into the mirror mounted on the wall just above the sink, and got a delightful view of my cherry red face plastered with a mortified expression, and a worried looking Kakashi standing behind me. "Please leave a message after the tone,"

"You didn't do the beep," He pointed out, tugging lightly on my shoulder. I refused to meet his eyes in the mirror, staying firmly in my position over the sink.

"So don't leave a message," I replied, still using my answer-machine monotone. Despite what I wanted to portray, I definitely was home, but it was burning down in front of my eyes, and I wasn't so sure the fire department was going to arrive on time, and even if it did I wasn't sure where to start fixing the damage.

"I think I have to, if we don't want a repeat performance of the other week," He said softly, other hand coming up to rest on my unoccupied shoulder. The weight of his hands was somewhat comforting, but distracting at the same time. He was the object of my misguided fantasies, and physical contact wasn't exactly making things easier. "And I think you need to talk,"

"Talking will make it worse,"

"How do you know until you try?"

"Because it's you I'm talking to,"

"I could get someone else in here, or you could go to see the counsellor or something if it's me that you can't talk to,"

"Talking to someone else would be worse,"

"Then why me?"

"Yes, why is it you? Why is it always you?" I turned around sharply, weight on the balls of my feet as I stared up into his covered face. "I haven't been able to stop thinking about you since you walked late into the staffroom with your stupid excuse weeks ago, and nothing I do can make it better. Hell, everything else is making it worse, and it's getting bad. I can't be normal like this,"

"Like what?"

"Like this," I gestured wildly with one hand, waving to every part of my body. I still wasn't exactly sure what this was yet, but I would be damned if I didn't work it out eventually. "I'm not supposed to be like this,"

"Maybe not, but no one has a choice about that," Oh, that. Like. Romance. Love. Emotion. Stuff girls gossiped about and boys generally avoided, mass-marketed through television, the internet and literary fiction across the world. The subject of more books, poems and plays than one could count.

Wait, was that what I felt? Love? No, love was supposed to be overpowering, birds singing and bright lights coming from nowhere. You were supposed to be swept off your feet and run off hand in hand into the sunset together. It was supposed to be obvious and romantic and special and passionate.

I did feel overpowered, but there wasn't birdsong and the only light was from the overhead bulbs. I felt sort of swept away, but it was the morning so there weren't any sunsets to run off into. It certainly wasn't obvious or romantic, and was questionably special and passionate. Did that qualify?

"God, how childish are we? We're talking like schoolboys discussing who the hottest girl in the class is," I smiled depreciatively, looking to the side, suddenly nervous to look at his face. Had I just admitted to myself that I liked Kakashi?

"Hmm, I always preferred the teachers," He admitted. My gaze snapped back to him.

"W-what?"

"When I was about thirteen, there was this one teacher at school I idolised. He is still one of the people I respect most, even today. I had a bit of a crush on him," He elaborated, the muscles in his face twitching into a small smile. This close, I could see the skin move enough to exactly read his expression, even if I couldn't see his features. It was actually quite nice having that kind of insight into the mystery.

"Huh?" I said blankly.

"I wasn't the only one, though. Everyone really liked Minato-sensei, and he was happily married. I think he had a kid, too, before he died, though I don't know what happened to the kid. And then I grew up too fast, went to university, got a flashy yet unemployable physics degree and a teaching qualification and ended up here. But I still prefer the teachers. Anyway, it was because of him that I learned that you don't get to choose who you like," One hand had returned to my shoulder some time during the speech, and was slowly working its way down my arm. My skin tingled wherever he touched, even through my clothing. Not enough to make me feel uncomfortable, but just enough to feel unsettled. "See, you've got me doing it now,"

"So it's-" I started.

"It really isn't that bad,"

"Why did-"

"Just agree to one date with me, and you can decide how you feel after that. I won't make you do anything you don't want to, I won't make you act like a couple, and I won't force myself on you. Just one date and you can completely ignore me for the rest of your life," His voice was quick and somewhat more cheerful than usual, eye radiating trustworthiness that I felt hypnotisingly compelled to believe. "Also, I won't take no for an answer," His hand met mine, my eyes widening impossibly further as he laced our fingers together.

"But-"

"I'll pick you up at three on Saturday, okay?" His visible eye curved up into its trademark happy arch before he dropped my hand and walked quickly from the bathroom.

"Uh-"

The bell signifying the start of registration rang, but I didn't leave the bathroom. I stood there, not entirely sure of what had just happened. Had I just agreed to go on a date? I hadn't had any kind of date literally in years. More to the point, it was with Kakashi.

So what exactly did that mean? Did it mean that I wasn't alone in my like thing, if I was admitting there was a like thing going on? And what did that make me?

First, I was pretty sure that any kind of like thing was mutual, what with the asking me on a date, the hand holding and the other, more unmentionable things that had happened before. I had a date. An actual, human to human date. People who liked each other went on dates. Did that mean I had admitted liking him?

So, theoretically, if I did like him what did that make me? Was I bisexual or something? I wanted to believe liking – falling in love, lust, whatever – wasn't a choice. I wanted to believe it wasn't my fault if I was about to let my parents down.

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A/N: A little briefer than I would have liked, but it got across what I was going for…a breakthrough! Sort of. No outward admission, no rainbows and pride parades, no sex…ah well, just give it a bunch of chapters and stuff happens. Anyway, stuff kind of did happen. So tell me about what you think in a review! Yay!