Author's Note: Sorry, I've been neglecting this story as of lately. I've been working on something original for the last few weeks and it's been taking up most of my time. Anyways, I'm glad you guys are still interested in this story. Thank you all for reading.
She was blinded for a moment. For a moment, a brief moment, she saw pure light, white, unchanging, all consuming. How long she stood there she wasn't sure but it felt like an eternity. The hall was empty, it was a late Tuesday afternoon and there were only a few tourists when she walked in. The sound of her heels resonated through the perfect halls where thousands of years before her a countless multitude of voices sang their praises to the most high.
Here in the loneliest of places, where the soul was laid bare before the majesty of both man and the divine she stood silent, staring up into the window that poured light upon her, watching her, cleansing her. Here, a thousand miles away from everything she had ever known, her cellphone, her shoes, her clothes, her perfect hair meant nothing.
And finally, she began to understand.
She sat at the dinner table alone. She hadn't seen Dan all day. She tried to call him but she knew that he was ignoring her calls. The door opened and her head bolted and turned towards the direction of the sound. She was hoping that it was Dan but it wasn't. It was Blair. Her face carried an expression of pity. She had heard.
Blair sat down on a chair next to her best friend and reached out to hold her hand. She initially said nothing. It was always better to wait for her to say something first.
Finally she did.
"I thought I was doing everything right…" Serena said with a lifelessness in her voice.
"I know S…" Blair said to her friend. "It's not you."
"Then what is it?" Serena said as she lifted her eyes to Blair so that she could see clearly the tears that had flooded her cheeks.
"It's him." Blair replied.
Serena's head dropped once again.
"Do you know what he said to me before he left?" Serena asked. "He said that he didn't want to go back to where we were happiest. He said that he couldn't ignore who he had become and who I had become."
Blair said nothing.
"How is that not me?" Serena cried out softly.
"Sweety…" Blair said as gently squeezed Serena's hand.
"How is that not me?" Serena whispered again.
As one arm hung gently in his sling his other lugged a large backpack around in the airport terminal. It was grinding away at his shoulder as he watched as the never ending sea of airplanes passed him by. He looked for his gate but realized it was further than he had realized. He checked his phone for the time. Two hours until departure. He was early as usual, but this time he didn't want to be. If he had any time alone to himself he was going to think about it. And he did not want to think about it.
He would have to deal with the fact that Serena would eventually grow to hate him. He would have to deal with the fact that he may not come back at all. He would have to deal with the fact that in his heart he knew this was an incredibly selfish decision but one that was also necessary.
He couldn't continue trying to love Serena the way that he had. It wouldn't be fair to him or to her.
She walked into the penthouse of the Empire. She hadn't been here in a while. This place, where she had lived for a few months, brought back memories, memories of that year between high school and collegiate, of Chuck and Blair, and of course of Nate.
They had been in love and as much as she's tried to put it all behind her she knew that this was not over.
He appeared from his room with an expression of genuine confusion on his face.
"Serena, what are you doing here?" He asked.
Serena opened her mouth but then took a second to think about it.
"Isn't Dan leaving today? Why aren't you at the airport?" Nate continued with his questions.
"This… this is more important." Serena said with a confident voice.
The hours passed but not without difficulty. Dan had managed to sleep through most of it but not before a very futile attempt at leaving the airport. Now he stood in front of the gate, waiting in line as the other passengers in front of him boarded the plane. With every step he drew closer to his destination but further from her. It hurt him more than he was willing to admit.
He thought it made him weak.
And he didn't want to be weak.
He handed the flight his boarding pass and other documentation, she checked it over and wait a bright smile she handed it back to him and said "you may enter."
There was a pause and in that pause Dan said to himself, that's what I was afraid of.
Serena stood there, her gaze fixed upon Nate. Her eyes revealed a determination that neither Nate nor Dan had ever known of Serena. Indeed it was something that was completely new to herself. But there she was, certain and unafraid.
"I know… that, I haven't treated you fairly." Serena said with genuine remorse in her voice.
"Serena, you don't have too—" Nate said before being cut off.
"Not ever." Serena continued, "The way I left for boarding school right after the Sheppard Wedding… the way I avoided you after I came back… the way I treated you when we were going out…" Serena said.
"You don't have to do this." Nate said.
"Yes I do." Serena said again with her new found conviction. "I'm sorry Nate. And I know that doesn't make up for anything I've done to you over the last six years but you have to know that I never meant to hurt you…"
"I think I do." Nate said.
"But that's not enough is it?" Serena said. "I've hurt you and nothing changes that. Not good intentions, not my apology."
"Serena stop." Nate cut in. "You can't beat yourself over what happened years ago. I've forgiven you."
"But…" Serena tried to say.
"But nothing." Nate cut in again. "I've forgiven you, that's all there is. That's all we can do. We can't change the past but we can make our futures. That begins with forgiveness."
"So where does that leave us Nate?" Serena asked.
"Do you still love me?" Nate asked plainly.
"No, Nate." Serena answered with that same confidence. "I don't. That's the truth, and it is long overdue. At first, I didn't want to hurt you but I ended up doing that by not being honest with you anyways."
"That's all I needed to hear." Nate said.
"Are you mad?" Serena asked.
Nate smiled. "No, Serena. I'm not mad. I'm glad you were honest with me. But a part of me will always be in love with you."
"I'm sorry Nate…" Serena said.
"I'm not. You were honest with me. I just felt like you deserved the same." Nate replied.
The air smelled of salt water. It needed only to look to up to see the Bosphorus but instead he looked down at his feet as he made his way up the steps. Every step brought back memories that he had long since suppressed. But he was drawing closer to the place where it all happened.
He could hear their voices again.
He could almost hear her words as he made his way towards his destination.
He lifted himself up onto the last step.
He looked up.
He froze.
He tried to move but he couldn't. It was like seeing an angel. It was always like seeing an angel. Seeing her. She approached him with the grace of something divine. Indeed he was so sure that she actually was. It was her, unmistakably but why was she here? Why were her golden locks glowing in the salty Turkish air? Why were her heels walking on Byzantine stones?
But the biggest question Dan kept thinking to himself…
How did she find me?
"You didn't think I actually believed you when you told me you were going to South Africa did you?" She said with a warmth in her tone.
"How?" Dan managed to ask in his speechless state.
"Blair told me." Serena answered his half question. "She told me about what happened inside the room the night of the shooting."
Serena stepped closer.
"She told me you weren't over it." Serena said. "Why didn't you tell me?"
Dan looked down and in these instances he always tried to make sure that his words came out perfectly.
"I thought…" He began. "I thought I was. But when finally, when you started to make an effort, and you forced yourself into dealing with everything that had happened in your past. I realized…"
Dan stopped.
Serena waited.
"It wasn't you." Dan finally said. "It was me. It was me the whole time. Whatever was happening to us. All that drama, all those fights… I kept… I kept blaming you, but I could never just tell you. Now I know why, because deep down I knew it wasn't your fault."
"Dan." Serena cut in.
"It was mine." Dan continued. "I never dealt with the guilt of losing Anthonio and Vicky. I never forgave Edmund. And it all came out… and I hurt you and made you think that it was all your fault. It wasn't, and I'm sorry."
"So, why couldn't you just tell me that?" Serena asked as she laid her hand on his cheek.
"Because I saw you and watched you better yourself. And I wanted to be better…" Dan answered.
"Why are you always so hard on yourself?" Serena asked.
"You ask me this…" Dan started to say. "As if I have an answer."
"You look at me, with those eyes, with that expression…" Serena said. "It's like you're looking into my soul, into a place that no one else can even find. And then you tell me you love me. I'm starting to begin to understand; that you'll never be able to see what I see in you."
"And what is it that you see in me?" Dan asked.
"A man, the most complete man I've ever known, the strongest man I've ever known. The one who risks his life so that others may be heard, the one who gives up everything in his life to save me, that one who steps into the line of fire simply because it is the right thing to do. And when that man tells me he loves me? What else can I do but try to love him back with a fraction of the love that he has for me." Serena announced to him.
Serena's hands traveled down and gently brushed against his.
"But I also know, that I'll never see in me what you seem to see in me." Serena continued. "And funny it seems, how sad it is. But it doesn't have to be."
She neared him and her voice became softer, as if to meld into the noise of the city so that when she speaks the whole city speaks with her.
"I love you." Serena said with her new found confidence. "And I finally know what that means."
Her fingers intertwined with his.
"I'll never know you completely." Serena whispered. "But I'm willing to spend a lifetime figuring it out."
She leaned in and gently kissed him.
"And whatever you need…" She whispered. "I'm right here. I'll always be… right here."
And as if to remind him, her hand clinched and tightened around his. Dan silently sighed in relief. Long has Serena leaned on him. It was time for her to be his rock, to be his comfort. They turned around to face the church of the emperors of old.
Here, he stood, in the presence of man and the divine, to confront his past, his guilt, his demons…
…with her by his side.
End