So, here's a new chapter. Just to warn you there's a lot of emotion and angst in this chapter, because all of these characters have been through so much and I felt like it was important to stick to how they deal with things and to emphasise that. I hope you enjoy it!

Her face was peaceful.

It felt utterly strange to see someone look so peaceful, so serene.

It felt wrong.

Clarke wanted to scream, wanted to shout from the highest cliff that it wasn't fair and that it wasn't right for Lexa to look so peaceful when she was so scared. A thousand blows to the stomach couldn't have prepared her for that face.

She didn't think she'd ever see it again.

And now that she is, she wants to hit herself. She wants to shout at herself for not feeling relieved. Shouldn't she be happy? Shouldn't she be over the bloody moon? Why are her hands shaking?

Why is she terrified?

"She was lucky." Abby's voice cut her out of her longing stare. "Whoever shot her knew exactly where to shoot her."

Clarke barely nods, barely looks at her mother. She wants to thank her, she really does – but right now she is at a loss for words and no combination of letters and looks could make her feel better. She didn't want an explanation. She didn't need one.

But, her mother went on. "She was strong."

This captured a glance from Clarke. She finds herself frowning, looking at her mother in confusion. "Strong?" Clarke croaks out, "How was she strong?"

"She fought to survive." Abby clarified, "Her survival under most circumstances was impossible. Just… not this one."

A wave of admiration and affection flushes over Clarke and she feels like the eternal feeling of being lucky will never leave her. It scares the heck out of her.

"Clarke."

And she knows this tone. She knows the way her mother says her name as if it would be the last time she could hear it, she knows what she's about to say.

"I need to know what's going on." Clarke can sense the exasperation in Abby's voice and she suddenly feels guilty. She saved the one person Clarke had grown to love unconditionally and she had not said thank you. She had not given her one hint that what she did for her was so important. "Why did you leave? Why were you with Lexa? What is going on?"

Clarke knows she cannot handle the questions that are practically burning to be answered; but she also knows that her mother is completely lost. They all are.

"I need to think, mum." She knows that she is being selfish, she knows the budding frustration inside of her is wrong but she cannot help it. Too much has happened for her to endure the badgering questions she has received again and again. "I can't handle this right now."

Abby walks closer to Clarke, her face angering too. "You think I can?" She hisses and there is almost a look of desperation in her mother's eyes. It is weakening Clarke and she cannot face her mother anymore. "I had to endure over three months of having absolutely no idea where you were! Every day was a burden, I had to continue helping our people recover from a gruelling war whilst wondering where my daughter was! Every time I find you Clarke, you run away."

Clarke knows how painfully right her mother is. She can clearly imagine the pain and the discomfort of not knowing. Of barely hoping. She had felt it for the last two days and Abby had felt it for the last three months. She knows her mother's frustration is valid.

And she knows hers is too.

"I helped her because she clearly means a lot to you." Her mother's voice is now broken into a softer tone. It makes Clarke want to cry again – even though she knows she won't. Not now. "You seem to take that for granted."

Clarke looks at her mother and can't help the gloss of hidden tears that shadow her eyes as she looks at her. "I haven't taken it for granted. I'm just trying to hold it all together. That's what I've been trying to do for the last three months." She looks at Lexa for a second and back to her mother, "She's the one who made it possible for me to do that. Whatever you may think about her, she's proved to me otherwise."

Abby looks at Lexa for a second and closes her eyes. "I have given up on trying to understand why you do certain things. I have faith in you, I have faith in your choices and I will continue to have that faith in you. I just want to know why I couldn't help you." She hears Abby inhale a shaky breath, "I want to know why you felt you had to leave."

"Because I killed innocent people for all of you."

Abby looks straight at her daughter. Focusing. Questioning.

"I killed so many people because it was the only thing I could do to save you. I did it because you all mean so much to me." Clarke breaths out heavily and grounds herself. "You were all a constant reminder of that. You still are. I felt dead inside and being here only made me feel worse. You couldn't help me, no one could. It was my choice to leave and it wasn't your fault."

The silence between them is not a comfortable one. The air is still full of tension and as much as Clarke wants to continue their conversation, she knows that right now her mind is only aware of one thing. That one thing is lying on a bed, breathing rhythmically – like clockwork and utterly peaceful. She needed to focus on that. She needed more information about that.

Clarke clears her throat, "Will she be okay?"

Abby nods slowly, "I'll leave you alone for a bit."

Clarke smiles weakly at her mother and waits for her to leave. She still feels guilty, but reminds herself to brush it off. The word 'guilty' can be eradicated from her vocabulary for all she cares – now is not the time and not the place.

She doesn't think she can handle being closer to Lexa, but she moves closer anyway. Clarke sits on the side of Lexa's bed and thinks about touching her. She wants her to wake up, she wants to speak to her – to hug her, but her face is too peaceful and something tells her that the way Lexa is resting now might be a rare instance.

Clarke knows she cannot ruin this.

She retreats to grabbing a chair from behind her and resting her head close to Lexa's hand.

And Clarke is still terrified.

Horrible, spluttering coughs wake her up.

Clarke rises up immediately to see Lexa struggling to breathe.

She rushes to Lexa's other side and makes her sit upright. "Lexa." Clarke attempts to calm Lexa down but it is to no avail.

"Lexa calm down." Clarke tries again, rubbing her back slowly. "You're okay. You're fine."

Clarke looks to the other side of the room and sees a glass of water perched on the table next to her. She figured her mother had placed it there for her when she woke up. She ran over to grab it and give some to Lexa.

"Drink." Clarke orders, "You'll feel better after you drink."

Lexa obeys her and gulps the water down so quickly that she leaves Clarke staring quite awkwardly at her.

Her breathing is still uneven and Clarke's hand is still rubbing her back to calm her down. "I'll explain everything, just calm down a little."

It takes Lexa a while to adapt to her surroundings, her hand is reaching for Clarke's free hand and she holds on to it for dear life. Eventually, she does calm down and Clarke sits on the bed next to her, finally able to hug her and hold her like she has wanted to for the past two days.

"You were shot."

"Yes."

Clarke's fingers are so tightly intertwined with Lexa's that she feels like the thought of letting go is no longer a possibility.

"How do you feel about that?"

"I don't know."

She is still at a loss for words and doesn't know how to handle this situation. Lexa almost died. Clarke was devastated. How does she even attempt to explain how she was feeling? How could she tell Lexa that the minute she knew there was a chance that she could be lost from the world forever, she was ready to give up her own life?

That she didn't want to live in a world that didn't have Lexa in it. That she couldn't even think about it.

Clarke takes her other hand and caresses Lexa's face. "I was so scared."

Lexa tries to avoid her gaze but finds that she cannot manage that for more than a mere couple of seconds. "I know. I saw you."

"I took you here because my mum was the only person I know would be able to help you." Clarke breathes in heavily, feeling the weight of everything she was about to tell Lexa – remembering how fragile and frail life was. "I thought you were as good as dead."

Lexa's eyes creep onto Clarke's and there is something in the way Lexa's lower lip wobbles that makes Clarke completely break down.

"I'm sorry." The tears are spilling down Clarke's cheeks faster than expected. "You've just come back from something utterly horrible and I'm making this about me."

Strong arms are wrapped around her waist and she feels Lexa's warmth press up against her. She feels her wince slightly as she does this, but relaxes as she shifts into a less painful position. "I thought-" She cannot finish any of her sentences, her sobbing has become loud and uncontrollable and she hates how the thought of Lexa brings her to tears.

"I don't know what happened." Her shaky breaths are nowhere close to stopping, "It came out of nowhere. You were smiling and-"

Lexa cannot be brave anymore either. She feels like giving herself to Clarke has taken away a certain endurance around her. A tear spills down her cheek and soon enough the two of them are holding each other tightly, both crying, both terrified, both wondering how something so strong and beautiful makes them weak.

"I'm still so scared." Clarke's breath hitches, "I feel like I can't let you out of my sight. Like I need to protect you. I was ready to die for you."

Lexa tries her very best to stop crying, but finds it hard to stop crying when the girl she's holding makes her feel things she knows her father warned her against. She can't find it in her to care about what he says anymore. "I don't want you to ever do that. You need to live, even if there comes a time that I won't be anymore."

"I don't care." Clarke sniffles, "Just promise me that you won't leave me again."

"You know I can't do that." It hurts Lexa more than anything to say that.

"Please, Lexa."

Lexa sighs and tries to hold Clarke tighter. "I wish I could, Clarke. I really do."

"Promises aren't things we can hold on to. Not people like us. You are a leader of your people and I am a leader of mine. You belong here, Clarke and I belong there. There isn't anything that either of us can do about it." Lexa still has tears running down her cheeks and as much as she hates it she knows that she is saying what needs to be said. "I have a duty and that duty is to my people. We both knew this was going to happen."

Clarke cannot handle any more of what Lexa is saying. "Why are you saying this now?" Her eyes are red and bloodshot and the way she looks at Lexa makes her heart clench. "What has changed so much that you're thinking this way again?"

Anger has now clouded Clarke's fright and she cannot help the last few words come out of her mouth, "Why are you acting like a coward?"

Lexa shift uncomfortably and frowns. She is weak, exasperated and downright too overwhelmed to have such accusations thrown at her. "Because I love you." The admission leaves Lexa once again breathless, and she doesn't think she can deal with all that she is feeling.

The words are simple and Clarke hears them so clearly that it shoots a deep pain in her stomach. The words that Clarke had repeated in her head so many times were now being said to her and she could almost understand the gravity of what Lexa was trying to tell her.

"I love you too." Clarke pleads, "Is that what you want me to say? Because I do, Lexa. I want you and I need you and I can't have you do this to me again.

"It is dangerous for us to do so." She ignores Clarke's statements and continues. "I have hurt you far too many times and I will hurt you again."

Clarke feels like she could be sucked into a deep whole and never come out of it. "I thought we moved passed this." She whispers, no longer having enough energy to fight back.

She slips away from Lexa's touch.

"Clarke." Lexa pleads.

Clarke shakes her head, determined to leave. The rollercoaster of emotions she had tucked so deeply inside of her had become draining and insufferable.

Enough was enough.

"You said you were willing to die for me." Lexa reminds her, "I can't have you do that."

Clarke turns round, looking at Lexa directly. "Then tell me something. Would you not have thought the same? If you believed me to be dead, would you not have been prepared to do anything? Is that why love is weakness Lexa? Because you are fully ready to do things against your beliefs?"

Lexa closes her eyes and sighs, she clasps her chest in pain and sobs. "I cannot fight Clarke, please. I was so close to death that I could feel it. I could feel it everywhere – I thought I was dead. I looked up at you as you took me to your people and I thought it would be the last time I saw your face." The desperation in Lexa's voice is one that Clarke had never heard before. "I was fine knowing I could be faced with the reality of death. I was fine when I believed that my time was up. I wasn't fine when I knew I would have to leave you, Clarke. I was terrified of what you would do after."

"You are so much more than just what we have and you don't deserve to die because I wouldn't be here anymore." Lexa's attempts to catch up with her shaky breaths, "You are strong, Clarke. You can survive without me, just as I can survive without you. I won't let my demise be yours."

Clarke bows her head down and tries her best to stop crying. "I just couldn't bare it."

"I know."

And Clarke knows that she does.

"Whatever we have, Lexa." Clarke looks back up at her, "I won't let you end it."

Lexa has no reply, no words to back herself up anymore. "Just like you won't let me die, I won't let us die. We've been through too much."

Clarke makes her way back to Lexa and wraps her arms around her, "I'm not letting you go."

And Lexa finds that she can't either.

See? She's alive! You can vow not to kill me now :D